The Children of the Corn have run amok

The winner of the Lights, Glamour, Action! tickets was Jagoff with comment #33. He has been contacted and has accepted his prize. You can get tickets to the event here!

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In case you hadn’t heard, on the night of February 15, a group of about 50 bandana-clad anarchists descended on East Liberty, wreaking havoc, running amok, jumping on cars, trying to break windows, littering, destroying property and generally just being asshole nuisances like some anarchists can be.

P.S. I said “SOME.” Please don’t send me threatening emails claiming Anonymous is going to hack my computer and spill my secrets to the world. Let me do it for you … I watched a solid hour of Whitney Houston videos last week and then another solid hour of Kevin Costner videos and then I decided I had a new crush on Kevin Costner and then I spent about five hours trying to find the best deals for a trip to Mexico and then I went cross-eyed so I started checking out Craigslist for cool local finds and then I paid some bills and watched a Debbie Gibson video and then I realized what a loser I was and I ate a fistful of sheet cake and went to bed. Now you know my secrets.

OMG. Biggest digression ever.

Where were we?

Right. So here’s the statement from the police:

“It was reported that many of the people were affiliated with ‘Occupy Everything’ and were celebrating their escapades in The Shadow Lounge. There was info that some of the individuals may be occupying a vacant/abandoned building nearby on S. Highland where a sign was hung. The building was checked after access was gained through an unlocked door on Penn Circle. The building was found to be uninhabitable but there may possibly have been people staying there. Officers found computer generated notes inside which stated ‘ATTN: PLEASE FIND AN ALTERNATE LOCATION TO SLEEP: 2/14 – 2/16 This building may not be safe. Thank you.’ Miscellaneous literature was found scatter on the street.”

Now, before you assume that everyone involved in “Occupy Pittsburgh” would support “Occupy Everything,” the person who brought this to my attention was an “Occupy Pittsburgh” protestor. There may be some crossover, but I don’t imagine much.

So, who is “Occupy Everything?” Surprise! Asshole nuisances! AKA “Children of the Damned.

Man, I bet their parents are LOVING that moniker. Let me try to decipher this drivel for you:

What they said:

It would be exultant to hear the indistinct sounds made by the distant whispers of our detractors, to repulse in the fetid smell of the reporting that is produced and reproduced across the bourgeoisie media outlets, or to directly encounter the faces of the people who are behind the ever-increasing entanglement of wireless communication devices, profile pages, and the virtual personalities that abstractly connect us.

What it means: “We want to hear ourselves talked about! We want attention for the illegal and childish crap we do in the name of anarchy! MEMEMEMEME! Even though we pretend we don’t want the attention, we crave it. We bask in it. We adore it.”

What they said:

But this is where we are, capitalism has left us with these detached words written on some web pages. We hope that you can forgive us for continuing this ineffectual medium. On the night of February 15th we chose a departure from the flat and barren void of normality. We chose to clamor in a field of one another’s bodies and have experiences that moved beyond the static script of our controlled psychology. We chose to express ourselves in the tiniest of all ways – with a toss in the air, a confetti like flurry of words fell in to our hands and from the thunderous roar of the crowd, a banner dropped from a building: “occupy everything”. This is how it started.

What it means: “We use all of the products that our evil capitalistic society has generated, but we don’t like being forced to use them. But WE ARE FORCED! Our skin burns each time we turn our iPods on; our eyes water each time the glare of our iPads reach our irises; we pray our cellphones give us brain cancer as punishment. We hate our MacBooks and our clothes and our shoes and our cars. We really really do. So we chose to party like assholes because we had nothing better to do and because we needed attention and because EFF YOU.”

What they said:

The silly fun of bouncing caution cones off of Starbucks windows, dragging signs and dumpsters into the streets, pushing each other in shopping carts down Centre ave while listening to some weird unknown genre of music on a loud speaker provide some of the lighthearted pleasure needed to turn East-Side into our play-thing. Years of development, gentrification, and social devastation have eroded what was once the diverse and magnificent community of East Liberty into a few square blocks set back behind the monstrous endgame of urban planning.

What it means: “PARTY PARTY PARTY IN THE USA! GET HIGH! GET WASTED! ACT LIKE ROTTEN CHILDREN OF THE CORN! DESTROY THINGS! FOR NO REASON. EFF EVERYONE WHO EVER WORKED TO BUILD ANYTHING! EAST LIBERTY IS FULL OF SUCCESS! WE HATE SUCCESS! THROW A CONE AT THAT STARBUCKS WINDOW WHERE I ORDERED MY VENTI SKIM DOUBLE SHOT CARAMEL LATTE THIS MORNING!”

What they said:

We did not act on behalf of others, we acted on our own behalf, and we acted in solidarity with others near and far. The consequences of our actions may not have carried the same gravity as the dignified struggle at claiming a social center in Oakland, CA or as the hundreds of hurled Molotov cocktails on the streets of Bahrain and Athens these past few weeks, but we look to these movements as inspirations. We chose to interrupt the dominantly held position that “we are victims” and that “nothing matters” and instead try out possibilities and at least have some stake in living.

What it means: “ME ME ME ME ME. ME ME ME? ME ME ME. ME ME ME ME ME. ME? ME ME.  LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!”

What they said:

In this estranged society we choose to manifest a commune and we will continue to develop, learn, and grow as we always have. Our strikes at the state, capital, and society will spread for we are the children of the damned.

What it means: “This is as mature as we will ever get until one day the money runs out and we ‘succumb’ to capitalism, make a living, make a life, make a family, cut the cord from our ‘damned’ parents who dared to spawn us into this evil evil corrupt world. But until then, LOOK AT ME ME ME ME ME ME! Look at my hate for you and your life! Look at my hate for money! Look at my hate and bask in it the way I do. And then let me know what time I’ll be on the news so I can set my TIVO.”

P.S. This post is in no way directed toward Occupy Pittsburgh. This post is entirely directed to Occupy Everything.

(h/t Bram and also to City Paper’s Chris Potter on Twitter who found the statement)





10 Comments

  1. AngryMongo
    February 21, 2012 10:56 am

    Some people need to put the thesauras down and get an effing clue.



    • Megan M.
      February 21, 2012 11:24 am

      Yeah, this is definitely the kind of writing where you just know this person’s friends always tell him “dude, you’re such a good writer! you should do it professionally!” because they don’t understand that using a lot of descriptive words doesn’t necessarily make it “good.”



    • unsatisfied
      February 21, 2012 12:10 pm

      a “blue’s clue”, perhaps?



      • Dan (Not Onarato)
        February 22, 2012 10:23 am

        Perhaps the people who were rocking it to the fullest were members of Occupy Hittsburgh?



  2. bucdaddy
    February 21, 2012 11:06 am

    I had occasion a year or two ago to communicate with some anarchists who had been in one of my town’s seminal punk bands 20 years before (the occasion was the rerelease of their entire recorded legacy). They seemed pretty good guys, not the kind to launch this sort of stuff. At least one of them had moved on into something closer to capitalist life, but at least one still considered himself to be an anarchist. I wanted to communicate more with him about his choice of … politics? Lifestyle? Maybe both … because it seemed to me that anarchism is one of the many things that seem like a great idea when you’re 18 and selfish as all hell but like a moronic idea when you’re 38. I wanted to ask him about that, and why it still seemed like a good idea, just for my own curiosity, but interestingly enough for your point, he declined. Maybe he’s gotten into one too many arguments about it, I don’t know. In any case, I let him be. He’s not hurting anyone or anything.

    Point being: At least one anarchist alive isn’t about the MEMEMEME.



  3. Hawki
    February 21, 2012 11:47 am

    Is it possible for anarchists to organize while remaining true to their credo??? I’d think a group of 3 more more would begin to smell of hypocrisy.



  4. Washpa
    February 21, 2012 12:40 pm

    Run-On Sentences of the Damned.



  5. Monty
    February 21, 2012 1:40 pm

    I can’t read it without putting it in William Shatner’s voice in my brain.

    Mein Douchepf.



  6. Butcher's Dog
    February 21, 2012 9:38 pm

    Controlled Psychology would be a kick-ass band name. But only because Clamor in a Field of One Another’s Bodies is just too damn long.



  7. Butcher's Dog
    February 22, 2012 12:07 pm

    Also, this post could serve as the explanatory note to “Jagoffs Make Me Stabby”.