The winner of the Lights, Glamour, Action! tickets was Jagoff with comment #33. He has been contacted and has accepted his prize. You can get tickets to the event here!
In case you hadn’t heard, on the night of February 15, a group of about 50 bandana-clad anarchists descended on East Liberty, wreaking havoc, running amok, jumping on cars, trying to break windows, littering, destroying property and generally just being asshole nuisances like some anarchists can be.
P.S. I said “SOME.” Please don’t send me threatening emails claiming Anonymous is going to hack my computer and spill my secrets to the world. Let me do it for you … I watched a solid hour of Whitney Houston videos last week and then another solid hour of Kevin Costner videos and then I decided I had a new crush on Kevin Costner and then I spent about five hours trying to find the best deals for a trip to Mexico and then I went cross-eyed so I started checking out Craigslist for cool local finds and then I paid some bills and watched a Debbie Gibson video and then I realized what a loser I was and I ate a fistful of sheet cake and went to bed. Now you know my secrets.
OMG. Biggest digression ever.
Where were we?
Right. So here’s the statement from the police:
“It was reported that many of the people were affiliated with ‘Occupy Everything’ and were celebrating their escapades in The Shadow Lounge. There was info that some of the individuals may be occupying a vacant/abandoned building nearby on S. Highland where a sign was hung. The building was checked after access was gained through an unlocked door on Penn Circle. The building was found to be uninhabitable but there may possibly have been people staying there. Officers found computer generated notes inside which stated ‘ATTN: PLEASE FIND AN ALTERNATE LOCATION TO SLEEP: 2/14 – 2/16 This building may not be safe. Thank you.’ Miscellaneous literature was found scatter on the street.”
Now, before you assume that everyone involved in “Occupy Pittsburgh” would support “Occupy Everything,” the person who brought this to my attention was an “Occupy Pittsburgh” protestor. There may be some crossover, but I don’t imagine much.
So, who is “Occupy Everything?” Surprise! Asshole nuisances! AKA “Children of the Damned.“
Man, I bet their parents are LOVING that moniker. Let me try to decipher this drivel for you:
What they said:
It would be exultant to hear the indistinct sounds made by the distant whispers of our detractors, to repulse in the fetid smell of the reporting that is produced and reproduced across the bourgeoisie media outlets, or to directly encounter the faces of the people who are behind the ever-increasing entanglement of wireless communication devices, profile pages, and the virtual personalities that abstractly connect us.
What it means: “We want to hear ourselves talked about! We want attention for the illegal and childish crap we do in the name of anarchy! MEMEMEMEME! Even though we pretend we don’t want the attention, we crave it. We bask in it. We adore it.”
What they said:
But this is where we are, capitalism has left us with these detached words written on some web pages. We hope that you can forgive us for continuing this ineffectual medium. On the night of February 15th we chose a departure from the flat and barren void of normality. We chose to clamor in a field of one another’s bodies and have experiences that moved beyond the static script of our controlled psychology. We chose to express ourselves in the tiniest of all ways – with a toss in the air, a confetti like flurry of words fell in to our hands and from the thunderous roar of the crowd, a banner dropped from a building: “occupy everything”. This is how it started.
What it means: “We use all of the products that our evil capitalistic society has generated, but we don’t like being forced to use them. But WE ARE FORCED! Our skin burns each time we turn our iPods on; our eyes water each time the glare of our iPads reach our irises; we pray our cellphones give us brain cancer as punishment. We hate our MacBooks and our clothes and our shoes and our cars. We really really do. So we chose to party like assholes because we had nothing better to do and because we needed attention and because EFF YOU.”
What they said:
The silly fun of bouncing caution cones off of Starbucks windows, dragging signs and dumpsters into the streets, pushing each other in shopping carts down Centre ave while listening to some weird unknown genre of music on a loud speaker provide some of the lighthearted pleasure needed to turn East-Side into our play-thing. Years of development, gentrification, and social devastation have eroded what was once the diverse and magnificent community of East Liberty into a few square blocks set back behind the monstrous endgame of urban planning.
What it means: “PARTY PARTY PARTY IN THE USA! GET HIGH! GET WASTED! ACT LIKE ROTTEN CHILDREN OF THE CORN! DESTROY THINGS! FOR NO REASON. EFF EVERYONE WHO EVER WORKED TO BUILD ANYTHING! EAST LIBERTY IS FULL OF SUCCESS! WE HATE SUCCESS! THROW A CONE AT THAT STARBUCKS WINDOW WHERE I ORDERED MY VENTI SKIM DOUBLE SHOT CARAMEL LATTE THIS MORNING!”
What they said:
We did not act on behalf of others, we acted on our own behalf, and we acted in solidarity with others near and far. The consequences of our actions may not have carried the same gravity as the dignified struggle at claiming a social center in Oakland, CA or as the hundreds of hurled Molotov cocktails on the streets of Bahrain and Athens these past few weeks, but we look to these movements as inspirations. We chose to interrupt the dominantly held position that “we are victims” and that “nothing matters” and instead try out possibilities and at least have some stake in living.
What it means: “ME ME ME ME ME. ME ME ME? ME ME ME. ME ME ME ME ME. ME? ME ME. LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEE!”
What they said:
In this estranged society we choose to manifest a commune and we will continue to develop, learn, and grow as we always have. Our strikes at the state, capital, and society will spread for we are the children of the damned.
What it means: “This is as mature as we will ever get until one day the money runs out and we ‘succumb’ to capitalism, make a living, make a life, make a family, cut the cord from our ‘damned’ parents who dared to spawn us into this evil evil corrupt world. But until then, LOOK AT ME ME ME ME ME ME! Look at my hate for you and your life! Look at my hate for money! Look at my hate and bask in it the way I do. And then let me know what time I’ll be on the news so I can set my TIVO.”
P.S. This post is in no way directed toward Occupy Pittsburgh. This post is entirely directed to Occupy Everything.