Monthly Archives: February 2012

UPDATED: Our Penguins are better than your whatever

This is not a post about the playing, which, HOT LIKE HELLFIRE (This goal is absolutely Mario-esque. Chills!), but this is a post about the players, which, HOT LIKE HELLFIRE.

Hiya, Sexhair and Sexgoal. Do you want a self-united card?

The first part of this Montreal Gazette article is about how awesome former Penguin Hal Gill is, which is cool in its own right, but the SECOND half of this article is about our Penguins being our Penguins, that is to say, above and beyond reproach:

And Saturday night and Sunday morning they saw a few of the Pittsburgh Penguins, who followed the Habs into the same hotel for a Sunday matinee against the Sabres.

“Would you believe that (Penguins head coach) Dan Bylsma took more interest in us and where we were from and what we were doing in Buffalo than anyone else?” Merson wrote. “A really nice guy.”

Merson bought a Penguins jersey in Buffalo as a gift for his 7-year-old son, William, a few players stopping to sign it.

“The best one was from Pascal Dupuis,” he said. “I had given my Sharpie (marker) to a kid who was waiting at the players’ bus and I went to get my car.

“Then I saw Pascal in front of the hotel and asked him to sign the jersey, but all I had was an ink pen. I ran back to the bus to get my Sharpie, but by the time I returned, Pascal had gone into the lobby and found one to use.

“Seeing (some players) walk past kids like they don’t exist, then seeing someone like Pascal who makes the effort for the fans, really puts things into perspective.”

Talk about a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Also, speaking of the Pens, The Knitting Lady used enough yard to run a strand down 17 football fields and knitted this 11-foot scarf for Iceburgh and presented it to him at a recent game!

(from @PensKnittngLady on Twitter)

Rock it to the fullest, Iceburgh!

UPDATE: Check out the scarf for Little Iceburgh too! THE CUTE!

(h/t Matt P.)


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Oh. My. Back.

Would you look at these?!

ARE YOU LOOKING AT THAT?!

5 1/4-inch suede Steelers heels that are so popular you can only by them on pre-order for $100.

My thoughts:

1. WHO ARE ALL THE WOMEN ORDERING THESE THINGS AND UNDER WHAT CIRCUMSTANCES WOULD YOU WEAR THEM AND NOT LOOK RIDICULOUS, AND IS JEFF REED INVOLVED IN ANY OF THEM?!

2. I would say that 50% of the time these shoes are worn, a thong will be visible. I’ll need to do research to confirm my hypothesis. Where can I get me a grant for that? I’ll call it, “How the heel-height of and skankiness quotient of suede Steelers-branded pumps directly correlate to the likelihood of intentionally visible floss-like underwear: A White Paper.”

3. *I can’t walk in heels higher than four inches. In fact, four inches is when I start walking like my knees don’t work. 4 1/2 inches is when I start walking like a drunk platypus in 4 1/2-inch heels. I imagine 5 inches is when my back gives out, my knees lock, and then this would happen.

YouTube Preview Image

4. Here’s one outfit I can see those shoes with:

That girl would totally rock those shoes to the fullest of their rocking potential.

*There are so many “that’s what she said” jokes in there it’s not even funny.

(h/t @lls_1219)


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SADD

As you’ve heard, it was revealed yesterday that Pirates President Frank Coonelly was arrested in December near Christmas time for drunk driving, driving with a suspended license, careless driving, and driving the wrong way, which is how you drive when your blood alcohol content is .16.

TWICE the legal limit. You’d have to drink about FOUR double on the rocks in an HOUR to get that kind of BAC.

The driving with a suspended license charge was dropped, but he’s still on the hook for all the other stuff and has issued a lengthy apology for his actions.

My actions that evening were irresponsible and wrong,” Coonelly said in a statement. “I take full and sole responsibility for them. There is no excuse for ever driving under the influence of alcohol. My wife and I have preached to our children about the dangers of driving while under the influence of alcohol, not only for themselves but for the innocent drivers, passengers and pedestrians on the road.”

Now, drunk driving is no joke, but the Pirates are a 20-year joke and therefore THERE ARE JOKES.

I’m going to hell for laughing at Randy’s tweet. No, I’m going to hell for STARRING Randy’s tweet.

Also, Pirate’s Flagship radio The Fan 93.7 was at first prohibited from speaking of the arrest, but that changed and Mark Madden will have you know that it was all because of him, but Deadspin is also taking a bit of credit.

Does anyone know the zip code to Mark Madden’s ego, because I have a flaming bag of poo I need to mail.

P.S. Also, an update on the Hines Ward DUI arrest.

P.P.S. As the 1992 recording secretary of Norwin High School’s SADD club, I would like to remind you to NOT DRINK AND DRIVE, JAGOFFS.


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My hug wish list

This is not satire. This is not a fake news story. This is not The Onion. This is REAL:

Pittsburgh, the World’s Most Huggable City

The City of Pittsburgh has  been voted the most liveable (sic) city, the top ten Best in the World for tourism among many awards  and now PositivelyPittsburghLiveMagzine.com (sic) and Pittsburgh City Council have teamed up to prove that Pittsburgh is the Most Loveable, Most Huggable City!  Using the model of the international phenomenon of the “Free Hug Campaign” PPLMag.com plans to create a spectacular event on September 6, 2012 with preview events leading up to it.   The goal is to create an event that brings attention and prominence to “Pittsburgh’s best asset, the friendliness of its citizens.”

What’s Happening When and Where!

  • February 14th Proclamation declaring September 6th as Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Day.  There will also be a group hug with City Council Members.
  • Hug Ambassador Events are open auditions to be huggers at the Hug-A-Thon Events of September 6th.
  • Hug Ambassador Auditions will be held in the City Council Districts of Darlene Harris, William Peduto, and Theresa Smith.
  • Hug Auditions scheduled during the months of March, May, July and August
  • Hug Ambassador Categories will include, but aren’t limited to: Best Granny Hugger, Best EMS Hugger, Best Sports Hugger, Best Entertainment and Media Hugger
The Hug Ambassador Event Winners will be determined by Facebook contributions and donations raised at the event for four area charities.  Hug Auditions are scheduled during the months of March, May, July and August.  These will be preview events to the September 6,  Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh™
September 6, 2012 Outdoor Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Event and Gala

  • The outdoor event will be held in five locations in downtown Pittsburgh.  These Hug locations are the City County Building, Market Square, Katz Plaza, underneath Macy’s Clock, and the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown.
  • Times to get a “free” hug and make your optional donations:  2:30 PM to 5:30 PM at these locations
  • There will be signage and entertainment to draw attention to the Huggers.
  • The hugs will be free.  Donations will be accepted and the donations will benefit four local charities.
  • The Presenting Sponsor is Wyndham Grand Downtown and the first official Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Gala will be held in the Wyndham Grand Ballroom. Celebrity Hug Stations will be set up around the room.  Celebrities will include local sports figures, media personalities, and entertainers. Local musical and variety entertainment has been engaged for both the lobby of the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown and the ballroom from 5:30 PM to 8:30 PM.

“I am proud to be a part of this great campaign and to show how much Pittsburgh cares about its local charities.  Pittsburgh is hands-down the World’s Most Lovable City!” Bill Peduto.

Thoughts:

1. I can find the minutes to the meeting, but I cannot find any pictures of the February 14th City Council group hug session! THIS IS A FIRST-WORLD TRAVESTY! What if there is a picture of Lukey hugging Bill Peduto?!

2. I’m happy it’s for charity because otherwise this would be the most ridiculous thing since Gus the Groundhog’s birth.

3. How does one judge a hug audition? Too much squeeze? Limp squeeze? Too much breast pressure? Not enough breast pressure? Too handsy? Not handsy enough? Too much butt grabbage? Would it be like American Idol auditions? “I’ve had five-week old lettuce firmer than your hugs.” Would it be like Dirty Dancing with Johnny? “Look at your arms — Spaghetti arms. You gotta hold your frame.”

4. I miss Patrick Swayze.

5. This event is BurghBaby‘s worst nightmare. That girl HATES hugs.

6. My celebrity wish list for hugs … David Conrad, Mike Wallace, Randy Baumann, Jim Krenn, Daniel Sepulveda, AJ Burnett, Wendy Bell, Sally Wiggin, Matt Lamanna, Mike Tomlin, DAN BYLSMA, DAN BYLSMA, DAN BYLSMA, Sexhair, Sexgoal, Gina Cerilli, Elena LaQuatra, Patrick Jordan, Mario, Fort McKenry, Troysus and DAN BYLSMA.

What? Tell me you don’t believe Dan Bylsma would give the best hugs ever.

We won’t know until we try. To grab his butt.

(h/t Summer)


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Not one to be proud of

In addition to sites like Match.com and um … I can’t think of any others but you know … dating sites?

Oh, I remembered another!

Craigslist! The “People of Walmart” of dating sites, really.

There’s a site called Ashley Madison, which is a dating site for married people. Their tagline? “Life is short. Have an affair.”

Classy. I think if we’re talking truth in advertising, it should say, “Life is short. Destroy your family.”

Anyway! According to KDKA, Pittsburgh is the 6th worst city in America for cheating per data from Ashley Madison. Meaning we’re the 6th most infidelitous (not a word, but it works for me) city.

Meaning … CHEATING DOGS. Tsk.

Keeping in mind that we’re the flirtiest city in America and the city having the third most casual sex, it would appear a lot of Burghers are having trouble keeping it in their pants.

We might need an intervention.

And widely and readily available STD meds.

Somewhere Jeff Reed is hastily Googling “Ashley Madison,” if he doesn’t already own stock in the joint.


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