Random n’at

1. My cell phone wouldn’t charge on Wednesday and that meant leaving my phone at the Sprint store for a day and I went without a cell phone for more than 36 hours and I tell you this because I deserve a cookie for not shriveling up and dying from the withdrawal.

[runs to get a cookie]

It got so bad at one point that I grabbed my husband’s iPhone and I was all, “I just want to smell it.”

2. It occurs to me that I have yet to name my EVO (Android, son!), but my old phone had a name (Saucy Carmiesha Juicy).

I wonder what would happen if I plugged “Saucy Carmiesha Juicy” into some random online name generators?

Stripper name: Sapphire Glitzsizzle Lustytower.

Pirate name: Frownin’ Gertrude Straw

Gangsta name: Butt-Jugglin Forty Sippa

Hobbit name: Ruby Brownlock of Overhill, which I think has a decidedly fancy cat name feel to it.

Viking name: Osk Madhawk

Sexy Christmas Name: Baby Doll the Sexy Reindeer (hmm. How are reindeer sexy?)

Star Wars name: Nightrider Salk a Jedi Knight from Fondor [awkward lightsaber moves]

Rapper name: Slo Saucy J Fresh Curves a.k.a. Serious Momma

Mexican Wrestler name: El Vigilante sin Pantalones

I’m leaning toward the Star Wars name or Butt-Jugglin’ Forty Sippa.

What do you think?

Also, I have no idea how the Mexican Wrestler Name Generator knew that Saucy is a huge slut.

3. Dear KDKA, write your headlines more better-er-er:

Bold move to do drugs right in front of a judge.

4. The Pirates are so cursed it’s not even funny anymore.

Pirates pitcher A.J. Burnett will undergo surgery on Friday to repair a fractured right orbital bone.

There is no immediate timetable for Burnett’s return.

I hate that phrase so much, you just don’t even know.

UPDATE: The timetable is now set: 8 to 12 weeks. Gross.

5. The police have released a composite sketch of the man who allegedly attacked a South Side woman in her shower:

Well, this has been SUPER DUPER HELPFUL and doesn’t look at all like every fourth person on the planet.

That could be anyone from my female bank teller to my mail carrier to YOUR MOM.

6. Well!

I hope it was ravioli, because that’s just how we roll in Pittsburgh.

7. Headline:

 

Me:

I hate concussions.

8. Luke Sossi of Microsoft sent this picture of the first of the Mario Lemieux Foundation Make Room for Kids XBOXes that have arrived for installation in the cancer unit at Children’s Hospital and the pediatric unit at Allegheny General Hospital. These XBOXes were made possible by donations from Microsoft employees and corporate matches from Microsoft:

We are going to have a really good day come mid-April, you guys.

9. Thanks to a bunch of readers who sent this to me, “Personality Test” with my smartest self-united husband Matt Lamanna!

The star who would play me in the movie version of my life and why:

Woody, the cowboy from the “Toy Story” movies, because many members of my family think I look like him.

Wow. He TOTALLY DOES!

Step off.

10. The owner of DiFiore’s Ice Cream and the Grand Brew coffee shop has a big milestone coming up:

He will mark 2000th consecutive day at work on May 3rd.

“Twelve to 16 hours a day, actually comes to 13.75 years of 40-hour weeks.”

I didn’t check the math on account of MATH IZ HARD, but 2,000 days of work in a row? No day off for being sick or to head to the beach?!

As a person who fully believes in “mental health days” and “personal I have my period and it has made me beyond bitchy and emotional days” and “It’s the Buccos’ Opening Day days,” I just can’t fathom this.

Is there an award for eating 2,000 days in a row, or sleeping 2,000 days in a row? Because I would win that shit.





14 Comments

  1. WI Mom
    March 2, 2012 11:22 am

    So how did AJ get a fractured orbit and did the Pirates know this before they signed him?



    • empirechick
      March 2, 2012 11:37 am

      He bunted a ball into his eye at practice on Wednesday.



      • AngryMongo
        March 2, 2012 12:28 pm

        Pitching in the AL for nearly 7 years will do that to your game.
        Being signed by The Pirates will do that to your career…

        or what’s left of it.



        • Aileen
          March 3, 2012 3:52 pm

          I’m sure this has been suggested already, but can’t he wear a black eyepatch?



  2. LB
    March 2, 2012 11:40 am

    You have to try the furry name generator too! http://rumandmonkey.com/widgets/toys/namegen/11835/



  3. bucdaddy
    March 2, 2012 11:49 am

    1. “Sapphire Glitzsizzle Lustytower”

    Sounds about right for Snooki’s baby.

    Oh … you didn’t know? Sorry to ruin your day.

    5. Is that a full-body condom?



  4. Jim W.
    March 2, 2012 12:03 pm

    Couple things:

    1) Sprint?? In Pittsburgh?? What. . . what are you thinking?

    2) I saw the composite sketch. it looks like my 10 year old daughter before we go sledding. So I turned her in.



    • bucdaddy
      March 4, 2012 11:24 am

      Heh, that reminds me that when bin Laden was still alive and there was a $25 million bounty on him and nobody knew where he was, I amused myself with the notion of turning in random clerks at 7-Elevens because, well, you never know …



  5. Z
    March 2, 2012 2:11 pm

    Thank you for number 4. I thought the same thing about number 5. I agree with you on number 10.



  6. JMetheny
    March 2, 2012 2:19 pm

    So there are cone-heads in Pitttsburgh?



  7. KGC
    March 2, 2012 6:37 pm

    Re #5.. Got me to thinking.. Just *how* do they identify criminals that wear a burqa?
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    .
    Runs out to buy a burqa on the way to the bank…..



  8. bluzdude
    March 2, 2012 6:53 pm

    Either that’s Geno Malkin under the hood, or the Penguins are seeping into my subconscious.



  9. Tony
    March 3, 2012 5:30 am

    #5 is South Park’s own Kenny McCormack



  10. Woy
    March 4, 2012 7:57 pm

    #5: Look like Beldar’s gonna get deported to Remulak.