Rebut.

If you haven’t read my sister Tina Fey’s expose entitled “Six Things About PittGirl,” you’ll want to do that first as this post is a rebuttal of her untruth-filled piece of libel.

1. When she was pregnant with her first child, she Pringle’d her way to high blood pressure.  

If I had my OB/GYN’s file on me, I would write, “The record will show …” but I don’t, so you’ll have to take my word on this. Tina Fey is LYING. The truth of the matter is that I did not Pringle my way to high blood pressure; I Pringle’d my way to dangerous levels of water retention brought on by my gross and voracious intake of sodium, thus resulting in me gaining 12 pounds in two and a half weeks, causing my doctor to almost fall out of his chair.

SO. THERE.

Also, if I had my OB/GYN’s file on me, it would probably say, “This bitch is clearly trying to break some sort of record for weight gain. Her ass grew an inch while she was in my office and her ankles are fatter than her calves. Research ‘pregnancy-induced elephantitis’ for a future medical paper.”

I was put on a no-sodium diet because the low-sodium diet failed. NO, I didn’t fail; the diet failed, you guys. Let the record show.

2. She has peed in a peanut can.

My rebuttal to this true statement is this: CHILD. ABUSE.

Not providing proper bladder evacuation facilities in a timely fashion is outright child abuse. Enduring the repeated singing of “Ginny Peed in a Peanut Can” from Georgia to Florida to 2012 is outright child abuse. I bet they even made sheet music for that song, because in our family, it became the new “99 Bottles of Beer.”

Also, why we had an empty economy size Planter’s Mixed Nuts can in the station wagon will forever be a mystery to me, but I can not see that stupid monocled peanut-man without hearing that song in my head.

Also a mystery … did they just toss the pee out of the window when I was done or did my mother have to hold it in her lap until the Dictator of Bladder Evacuation Scheduling determined it was a suitable time for a pit stop?

If they tossed it, did it hit a car behind us and the driver was all, “Is … it … RAINING PEE?!”

But still, my rebuttal … CHILD ABUSE.

3. In her household which consists of two drivers, one of whom is her husband who grew up in Mexico where the only posted driving rule is “Don’t run over it unless you’re sure it’s already dead,” she is not the safer driver. 

There are many errors in this portion of the post, so I assume Tina Fey had begun hitting the sauce midway through the second point.

First, it was not a do-me boot, it was a flip-flop.

Second, I did not pin her knees because I couldn’t figure out forward and reverse. I pinned them because I was pulling my father’s car into the driveway, where there was already another car parked. Tina Fey hopped out of the passenger seat to guide me forward to let me know when I had reached the closest I could to the car in front of me. She motioned me forward. A foot and a half away from the other bumper, I gingerly touched the gas pedal as if it would explode under too much pressure.

The car didn’t move.

Tina waved her hand and motioned me forward. I pushed a tiny bit harder.

The car didn’t move

Exasperated, Tina motioned me forward again. I ever so slightly increased the pressure on the gas pedal, worried that I would push too hard and the car would jerk forward to hit the other car’s bumper.

The car didn’t move.

Fed up, Tina said, “Oh, LET ME!” and she walked in front of the car I was driving intent on taking the wheel from me. And I said, “Oh, HELL NO. I AM DOING THIS!” I put my big girl panties on, quit being a sissy, stepped on the gas just a bit harder and GREAT NEWS! The car moved! Pinning Tina Fey at the knees between the two bumpers.

Also good news? I didn’t hit the other car!

I only sat there stunned, my sister squirming to free herself, for about five seconds before her cries of “BACK UP! BACK UP!” encroached upon my brain’s paralysis, at which point I sheepishly put the car in reverse and freed her from her prison.

So to sum up my rebuttal to this point … I DO SO know the difference between forward and reverse.

4. In her teens, she fancied herself to be quite the artist.

Tina Fey has conveniently left out one very important detail. These fantastically drawn eyes were not disembodied orbs floating on a blank sheet of paper, watching your every move. These eyes, every single one of them, were peering intently at you through holes in expertly-drawn wooden picket fences.

BOOYAH, BAZINGA, AND THANKS FOR PLAYING, TINA!

5. No one in our family can sing, but her singing is life-threatening.

As a teen, I went to a summer camp in the woods of Minnesota, and one of the many activities was recording a song in a real recording studio. Me and three other female campers were to sing The Greatest Love of All, which was already a strike against me because of all the gosh darn SANGING in that song. But I put on the headphones, which I assumed were given to me to drown out the hideous sound of my own voice, and I SANG.

The GREAAAAAAAAAA-TEST LOOOOOOOVE OF AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, IS EASY TO ACHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE …

Standing there in the studio listening to the playback, I thought we all sounded fantastic, while the three other campers and the recording studio counselor listened with a look on their faces that indicated they were at that moment … smelling feces.

Maybe someone pooped in a peanut can.

Whatevs. Here’s my rebuttal: Deafies can’t sing.

6. And lastly — the one she’s probably most embarrassed about — she really does rock her Hittsburgh gear to the fullest. 

If you got it, rock it.

Now, I wish I could tell you six embarrassing things about Tina Fey, but here is the problem … she’s a cool cat and she’s been a cool cat forever. She hasn’t ever peed in a mixed nuts container in a moving station wagon with wood paneling. I don’t recall her having any embarrassing car mishaps.  Other than a few unfortunate photos in her tween years, she’s always looked good and put together. She’s always been popular and fun and normal. So undorky.

If I had to say one genuinely bad thing about her, I can say this: She married a Cowboys fan.

Peeing in a peanut can isn’t sounding so bad now, is it?





52 Comments

  1. hello haha narf
    March 29, 2012 5:01 pm

    you peed in a can by force.
    she CHOSE to marry a cowboys fan!



  2. Butcher's Dog
    March 29, 2012 5:18 pm

    Second that comment, hello haha narf! Not even close once compulsion vs. free will is factored in.



  3. Cole
    March 29, 2012 5:21 pm

    Put that in the burn book



  4. Monty
    March 29, 2012 5:35 pm

    Does the noise you’ve been struggling with sound anything like this?

    http://www.hark.com/clips/kwrwmrspvn-water-hose-fill-garbage-can-slow-01

    If so, perhaps you have a conversion disorder triggered by the repeated trauma of your years of abuse from your so-called family.

    I hope this solves your problem. ‘Cause I’m a muthafuckin’ docta up in this beyatch.



  5. Brett
    March 29, 2012 5:54 pm

    So to paraphrase your post … Tina Fey is prone to artistic license in her writing endeavours, feels constrained to blame you for some of her “OOPS’s”, and above all with no compulsion married a Cowboys fan? :)



  6. suzie-Q
    March 29, 2012 6:16 pm

    I think you should sell tickets to your next family get together….. think of the money you could raise!!!



    • red pen mama
      March 30, 2012 8:47 am

      I second this. I would pay to go to this family reunion. Make Room for Kids would be swimming in cash.



      • Ginny's Dad
        March 30, 2012 9:44 am

        Red Pen Mama

        It does get a little crazy when they are all together and talk and laugh about past memories that I have long forgotten either because of old age or a selective memory. Add 12 grandkids running or crawling around and you have pure mayhem.



        • red pen mama
          March 30, 2012 10:45 am

          Ginny’s Dad, I come from a big extended family. Sometimes I like to stand in a corner when we’re all together and figure out who is talking to whom. We all talk at once. It’s pretty amazing. Or appalling, depending on your POV, I guess. :)



  7. redram1
    March 29, 2012 7:33 pm

    I used to live in the great state of North Dakota. It’s a rural state that has rest areas few and far between on the wide open plains.
    They had to pass a law making it an offense to throw a pop bottle full of pee out of your vehicle.
    The reason… it sits in the ditch and ferments for months and becomes a “piss bomb” and when the highway workers are mowing, they hit it with the brush hog and get sprayed. Not too fun. :(



  8. Tina Fey
    March 29, 2012 8:07 pm

    I’m going to have to rebut your rebuttal. This is a re-rebuttal.

    First, my husband is not now and has never been a Cowboys fan. He is, however, an ass who likes to play Devil’s Advocate just to irk me, and he rooted for the Cowboys one time when they played against the Steelers in that one Super Bowl. He is a die-hard Houston Texans fan. And before the Texans were a team, he was without a favorite team. He was a football orphan.

    Second, before you backed the car off of my knees, you went forward one more time (I’m assuming it was out of shock and not out of some deep-seated desire to incapacitate me) and then when I screamed in absolute pain and horror, you realized you were still in drive and only then did you put it in reverse.

    Third, let the record reflect that except for the vacation when you were an Orca and were unable to wear regular footwear, I have never seen you in flip-flops. Even at the beach you wear 3-inch wedge sandals. I question your honesty.

    Fourth, I do remember those ridiculous fences now that you mention them, but they did not remain with me because I was too horrified by the demonic eyes. So I absolutely rebut your rebuttal to this one. Also, even my 2-year-old can draw a wooden picket fence, so I think “expertly drawn” is a gross exaggeration.

    Fifth, with little to no effort, I can think of 10 make-fun-able things about me from our childhood. And my utter lack of coolness has stayed with me well into adulthood. I believe my statement was once, “If cool people are cats, I’m a chihuahua.” I’m sure our parents and sisters could easily fill in the gaps in your memory regarding my being an even dorkier dork than you. However, I’m pleased to say that as uncool as I am, I’m still not the dorkiest sister. I won’t tell you all which one that is, but she knows and right now she’s reading this and she is pissed.

    Lastly, it is totally unfair that you have all these minions sticking up for you.

    I have got to get me some minions.



  9. Pens Fan
    March 29, 2012 8:50 pm

    Gin – you don’t remember the time she went shopping and bought those clothes were the belt turns into a headband, the shirt can be a skirt, the pants become socks? That crap was RIDICULOUS and she was so proud of herself. ;)

    Love ya both semi equally!



    • Tina Fey
      March 29, 2012 9:39 pm

      Ah, yes, the modular clothing. That stuff really was awesome. I like to think that I was incredibly fashion-forward and the rest of the world just never caught on. How can something that is both a wide belt and a headband not be fabulous? Remember how every piece was either purple or green? So I went through my teens looking like either Barney or Gumby. Or Barney wearing Gumby as a belt.



      • Amanda
        March 30, 2012 8:38 am

        My sisters had those clothes! I think they were from Beneton, does that store still exist? They were too “cool” to let their younger sister try to wear it.



        • Tina Fey
          March 30, 2012 9:05 am

          I can assure you that had the generic knock-off. There’s no way my mom would have forked out money for the brand version.



      • StacyfrPgh
        April 1, 2012 11:44 am

        OMG–had those too! Totally forgot about them. My mom must have cringed when I brought those home. Awful!



  10. Rich D
    March 29, 2012 9:01 pm

    What tune is “Ginny peed in a peanut can” sung to? I’ve been singing it to “Campton Ladies” It’s even funnier if you think about the scene from Blazing Saddles when Slim Pickens and the other cowboys start dancing around singing…



    • Dr Kevlar
      March 30, 2012 8:33 am

      I think they would have to sing it to the tune of “Grandpa got run over by a reindeer.”



    • JMetheny
      March 30, 2012 10:20 am

      I would say “London Bridge”
      Ginny peed in a peanut can,a peanut can.a peanut can.
      Ginny peed in a peanut can,all the way home !



  11. Ginny's Dad
    March 29, 2012 11:08 pm

    Tina Fey is actually a pretty good driver now, but I remember some close calls with mailboxes when she was learning to drive. Also she had the habit of turning the wheel to the left when she turned her head to the left to check her mirror or blind spot. Also wasn’t it Tina Fey who spun out on an icy overpass in Arkansas when you were driving back to college? The Mercury Tracer was never the same after that mishap. I don’t remember the peanut can incident nor the song. I guess I was too focused on reaching our destination in record time. I miss those days as Dictator of Bladder Relief In The Wee Wee Jug.



    • Tina Fey
      March 30, 2012 9:04 am

      Yeah, Dad, I wasn’t the best driver. I knocked over that mailbox and came home and told you and mom, “I think I may have knocked over a mailbox.” You and mom were like, “You think?!” Then I had to drive back to the house and tell the lady that I knocked over her mailbox. My very first hit-and-run. Then there was the time I drove away from the gas pump with the gas nozzle still in the car. Of course, I was 30 when that happened so I really don’t know that that’s helping my case for being a safe driver now.



      • Ginny's Dad
        March 30, 2012 9:37 am

        I forgot that you actually hit a mailbox. I was with you during the gas station incident unless you have had more than one. You were so concerned about a stray dog near the gas station that you forgot that the dispenser was still connected. I can’t be too judgmental. I seem to recall leaving church with my briefcase on the roof. Passers-by probably thought, “That poor guy has so many kids he has to put his brief case on the roof rack of that snappy, wood-paneled station wagon.”



        • Virginia
          March 30, 2012 9:41 am

          Um. Excuse me. But didn’t you guys almost leave ME at church in McKeesport one time? Or is that a fake memory?



          • Ginny's Dad
            March 30, 2012 10:01 am

            You are correct. It was the first time all seven of us went to church after the twins were born. We just lost count. We only drove a couple blocks before we realized you were missing.



            • red pen mama
              March 30, 2012 10:48 am

              This comment stream wins the internet today! BWHAHAHA! I am peeing my pants.

              Of course, as a mom, I shouldn’t laugh. I nearly left my second daughter home when she was an infant to go shopping. Thank goodness my dad was there to remind me that I HAD ANOTHER CHILD. I don’t even have the excuse of having SEVEN.



            • bucdaddy
              March 30, 2012 11:09 am

              A likely story.

              Was this “church” perhaps an orphanage?

              Did you tell Ginny’s mom, “Look, we’ve got plenty of others, nobody’ll miss her”?

              Did you begin to regret what you had just done to some unfortunate foster family?

              Did you fear she might track you down with an ax one day?

              That, I might believe.

              “Lost count”? You have to do better than that.



              • Dr Kevlar
                March 30, 2012 11:14 pm

                If I had any sense, I would have been more diligent about losing the ex and keeping track orf the kids…



          • Sam's Dog
            March 30, 2012 4:41 pm

            Got you beat Ginny. I remember my mom waking me up in a church pew one Sunday night (yes, night- twice on Sunday and also Wednesday nights) in an empty church-everyone left including my mom and sisters.. I don’t know why my dad wasn’t there, I think he would have remembered me. i also don’t recall how far they got from the church before realizing someone was missing. Does help to explain a few things to me now, though.



  12. Pensgirl
    March 29, 2012 11:57 pm

    Ginny, you should have been part of my family. My dad may have been driving, but bladder relief was most definitely dictated by my mom, a/k/a Our Lady of Massive Coca-Cola Consumption. We hit pretty much every rest stop between home and our destination. Dad ran the show about a lot of stuff, but to this day he doesn’t dare defy Mom on a pit stop order.



  13. histortweet
    March 30, 2012 9:52 am

    Cup of pee out the window — Kathy Ireland, right?

    http://www.oocities.org/hollywood/8129/hjayleno1.htm

    Kathy: We’re in the car, and Erik says, “Mommy, I have to go pee.” And i said, “Really bad, or could you wait like just a couple of seconds?” And he said, “Really bad, really bad.” So it’s like, okay. I get a cup, and he pees in the cup, and I roll down the window, and I throw it out the window. And, we had a walkee-talkee on the front seat, and uh, Jerry the guy that was driving us…he was sitting next to my dad…and they hear on the walkee-talkee, uh, the police saying, “I sure hope that wasn’t pee in that cup because it just went all over me.” So uh…

    (The audience is grossed out.)

    Jay: You know, who else? Now imagine, I’m trying…imagine any guy here: you’re driving down a street. You throw a cup of urine in a cop’s face. Are you dead? Are you in jail?

    Kathy: He, he, he was a good sport.

    Jay: Yeah, oh, oh, yeah. Cops, you know…cops really love that.



  14. JMetheny
    March 30, 2012 10:27 am

    More stories! I’m thinking reality show.What could we call it?



  15. johnaz6312
    March 30, 2012 10:45 am

    My father insisted on driving everywhere when vacation time rolled around. The man would NOT fly if his life depended upon it. So that meant a lot of time sitting in the back seat of the car. Mom sat is the passenger seat. She had a bladder “problem” . At least you had a peanut can. My mother,she had to walk into the woods and take of care of her business there. And the bears did not provide TP either. Consider yourself fortunate.



  16. red pen mama
    March 30, 2012 10:50 am

    I want Ginny’s Dad to guest post someday.



  17. Jen
    March 30, 2012 5:11 pm

    Ginny, glad you are back. Also, I need you to know that you are not alone. I was also forced to pee in the back of a station wagon as a child. My mom and her best friend were involved in Parents Without Partners and they used to go to conventions trekking along with 4 kids. My mom’s friend refused to stop and had a “pee pot” in the way back of the wagon. Yep, a pot specifically set aside to hold our pee during road trips. It was on one of these trips that I came to the awful and probably forever damaging realization that if I could see people in their cars they could also see me in ours. Needless to say the laughing from passersby still haunts me to this day. Having said that, my family didn’t make a song so at least you have that going for you…



  18. BunkinPA
    March 30, 2012 9:11 pm

    Those who had cans should not complain. We drove manymanymany long days with nary a pitstop. We too had a Dictator of Bladder Relief and he was “driving past this rest area and on to the next one” (but NOT stopping. Ever). I stop every time my daughter needs me to. Doesn’t matter if we just did that 20 minutes ago.



    • bucdaddy
      March 31, 2012 1:29 am

      Wow, some serious child abuse situations here. NOT good for the kidneys. As the official Driver Everywhere in the ‘daddy family, I’ve been known to sing out:

      “Rest stop, one mile. Speak now, or forever hold your pee.”

      But there are worse things than peeing in a can. Oooooh yes there are.

      I was never going to tell this story to anyone, but …

      Last year a friend and I went to a concert in a city about two hours from my home, and we hit the highway and were on our way back through the dark country of West Virginia, when …

      See, sometimes people my age … well, we get sudden indications that a bowel movement is imminent, and by imminent, I mean YOUGOTTAPULLOVERTHECARANDGORIGHTNOW.

      So I tell me friend, “I gotta find a restroom, immediately.” And as luck would have it, the next exit has a BP station. And, as luck would have it, at 11 p.m. on a Sunday, that BP station is closed. As were, I assumed, the restrooms. Who would leave a restroom open at a closed gas station in the middle of the night? Well, I figure I have no choice. And fortunately, we had stopped at Wendy’s before we hit the highway, and there were some napkins left. I pulled to the side of the building, threw open the door, grabbed the napkins and raced for the edge of the woods nearby.

      I won’t bore you with the particulars. I’ll get straight to the punchline.

      When I came back to the car, my friend said, “Um … the restroom is open.”

      “It … it what? It’s open?”

      I looked. I checked the men’s room door. It was open.

      So what the hell, I used it for the second surge.

      Good thing, too. We were out of napkins.

      Every word of this story is true.



  19. LaReina
    March 31, 2012 10:42 am

    Now I have “It’s raining pee, hallelujah, it’s raining pee, amen!” a la The Weather Girls running through my pea (or is that pee) sized brain.



  20. Butcher's Dog
    March 31, 2012 12:31 pm

    So of course the day I spend on the road coming back from Myrtle Beach is the day this most entertaining of threads gets rolling! I greatly enjoyed reading it all, though. Now back to reality for a while for me.



  21. Jen
    April 2, 2012 10:47 am

    We are heading on a long road trip later this week, and I’ve been inspired by this post to bring along a can, “just in case” for my boys. I’m with Ginny’s dad – no stops unless scheduled and I can multi-task and fill up the gas tank. Thanks to the peanut can tip, we should make better time on our trip this weekend.




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