If you haven’t read my sister Tina Fey’s expose entitled “Six Things About PittGirl,” you’ll want to do that first as this post is a rebuttal of her untruth-filled piece of libel.
1. When she was pregnant with her first child, she Pringle’d her way to high blood pressure.
If I had my OB/GYN’s file on me, I would write, “The record will show …” but I don’t, so you’ll have to take my word on this. Tina Fey is LYING. The truth of the matter is that I did not Pringle my way to high blood pressure; I Pringle’d my way to dangerous levels of water retention brought on by my gross and voracious intake of sodium, thus resulting in me gaining 12 pounds in two and a half weeks, causing my doctor to almost fall out of his chair.
Also, if I had my OB/GYN’s file on me, it would probably say, “This bitch is clearly trying to break some sort of record for weight gain. Her ass grew an inch while she was in my office and her ankles are fatter than her calves. Research ‘pregnancy-induced elephantitis’ for a future medical paper.”
I was put on a no-sodium diet because the low-sodium diet failed. NO, I didn’t fail; the diet failed, you guys. Let the record show.
2. She has peed in a peanut can.
My rebuttal to this true statement is this: CHILD. ABUSE.
Not providing proper bladder evacuation facilities in a timely fashion is outright child abuse. Enduring the repeated singing of “Ginny Peed in a Peanut Can” from Georgia to Florida to 2012 is outright child abuse. I bet they even made sheet music for that song, because in our family, it became the new “99 Bottles of Beer.”
Also, why we had an empty economy size Planter’s Mixed Nuts can in the station wagon will forever be a mystery to me, but I can not see that stupid monocled peanut-man without hearing that song in my head.
Also a mystery … did they just toss the pee out of the window when I was done or did my mother have to hold it in her lap until the Dictator of Bladder Evacuation Scheduling determined it was a suitable time for a pit stop?
If they tossed it, did it hit a car behind us and the driver was all, “Is … it … RAINING PEE?!”
But still, my rebuttal … CHILD ABUSE.
3. In her household which consists of two drivers, one of whom is her husband who grew up in Mexico where the only posted driving rule is “Don’t run over it unless you’re sure it’s already dead,” she is not the safer driver.
There are many errors in this portion of the post, so I assume Tina Fey had begun hitting the sauce midway through the second point.
First, it was not a do-me boot, it was a flip-flop.
Second, I did not pin her knees because I couldn’t figure out forward and reverse. I pinned them because I was pulling my father’s car into the driveway, where there was already another car parked. Tina Fey hopped out of the passenger seat to guide me forward to let me know when I had reached the closest I could to the car in front of me. She motioned me forward. A foot and a half away from the other bumper, I gingerly touched the gas pedal as if it would explode under too much pressure.
The car didn’t move.
Tina waved her hand and motioned me forward. I pushed a tiny bit harder.
The car didn’t move
Exasperated, Tina motioned me forward again. I ever so slightly increased the pressure on the gas pedal, worried that I would push too hard and the car would jerk forward to hit the other car’s bumper.
The car didn’t move.
Fed up, Tina said, “Oh, LET ME!” and she walked in front of the car I was driving intent on taking the wheel from me. And I said, “Oh, HELL NO. I AM DOING THIS!” I put my big girl panties on, quit being a sissy, stepped on the gas just a bit harder and GREAT NEWS! The car moved! Pinning Tina Fey at the knees between the two bumpers.
Also good news? I didn’t hit the other car!
I only sat there stunned, my sister squirming to free herself, for about five seconds before her cries of “BACK UP! BACK UP!” encroached upon my brain’s paralysis, at which point I sheepishly put the car in reverse and freed her from her prison.
So to sum up my rebuttal to this point … I DO SO know the difference between forward and reverse.
4. In her teens, she fancied herself to be quite the artist.
Tina Fey has conveniently left out one very important detail. These fantastically drawn eyes were not disembodied orbs floating on a blank sheet of paper, watching your every move. These eyes, every single one of them, were peering intently at you through holes in expertly-drawn wooden picket fences.
BOOYAH, BAZINGA, AND THANKS FOR PLAYING, TINA!
5. No one in our family can sing, but her singing is life-threatening.
As a teen, I went to a summer camp in the woods of Minnesota, and one of the many activities was recording a song in a real recording studio. Me and three other female campers were to sing The Greatest Love of All, which was already a strike against me because of all the gosh darn SANGING in that song. But I put on the headphones, which I assumed were given to me to drown out the hideous sound of my own voice, and I SANG.
The GREAAAAAAAAAA-TEST LOOOOOOOVE OF AAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL, IS EASY TO ACHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVE …
Standing there in the studio listening to the playback, I thought we all sounded fantastic, while the three other campers and the recording studio counselor listened with a look on their faces that indicated they were at that moment … smelling feces.
Maybe someone pooped in a peanut can.
Whatevs. Here’s my rebuttal: Deafies can’t sing.
6. And lastly — the one she’s probably most embarrassed about — she really does rock her Hittsburgh gear to the fullest.
If you got it, rock it.
Now, I wish I could tell you six embarrassing things about Tina Fey, but here is the problem … she’s a cool cat and she’s been a cool cat forever. She hasn’t ever peed in a mixed nuts container in a moving station wagon with wood paneling. I don’t recall her having any embarrassing car mishaps. Other than a few unfortunate photos in her tween years, she’s always looked good and put together. She’s always been popular and fun and normal. So undorky.
If I had to say one genuinely bad thing about her, I can say this: She married a Cowboys fan.
Peeing in a peanut can isn’t sounding so bad now, is it?