Batshit versus Batshit

In the Rich People Going Batshit Over Domestic Matters Wars, Highmark’s CEO Dr. Ken Melani said to Richie Scaife, “I see you your running in heels through a yard to chase down a maid who was walking the dog that your husband ‘kidnapped’ during your divorce and then beating an elderly assistant by kicking her in the hip when she came to the maid’s aid, and I raise you my showing up at the house of my 28-year-old employee/live-in mistress to barge in, confront her husband and to call her a slut while accusing her of cheating on me and using me for my money, and then making threats about killing people and then not taking my creepy, stalker eyes off of her as she stood 75 feet away the entire time I talked to the cops about the can of whoopass I opened on her husband and about how the relationship means everything to me.”

I gotta give this one to Dr. Ken.

Sorry, Richie. You’ll need to up your batshit crazy a bit.

P.S. Ken? She’s a gorgeous 28-year-old employee. You’re 58.  OF COURSE SHE’S USING YOU FOR YOUR MONEY, YOU OLD SAGGING SACK OF FLESH!

P.P.S. Calling your mistress a slut for cheating on you with her husband is the best thing I’ve ever heard in the Batshit Crazy Rich People Wars. BRAVO!


  1. JMetheny
    March 30, 2012 10:44 am

    Another egotistical,better than you,laws don’t apply to me,i am God,treat you like shit, CEO Jagoff.Surprise.Surprise.

  2. T
    March 30, 2012 10:53 am

    Well written. I read this story this morning twice thinking it sounded like a Lifetime movie.

  3. bucdaddy
    March 30, 2012 10:54 am

    This could only be better if it happened in Fayette County.*

    … It didn’t, did it?

    *–OK! OK! Mercer County too.

    • Butcher's Dog
      March 31, 2012 12:34 pm

      bucdaddy, 15 yards, unnecessary roughness. We got UPMC up here in Mercer County; they close hospitals just like everywhere else. Not all at once, of course, but they close ’em. No birthin’ babies in my town anymore, so the Amish (among others) have to travel some 20 miles to the nearest place that WILL deliver. Of course, the Amish aren’t driving cars to get there.

  4. Julia
    March 30, 2012 11:07 am

    I’m sorry, but this is hilarious. Just goes to show you that money can’t buy class.

  5. Steverino
    March 30, 2012 11:08 am

    Just another vintage Bentley all wound up. Honestly, what is it with these old guys who feel that they need to have a young girlfriend to prove their masculinity? And he really should lay off the Just For Men – his hair looks like it was dipped it in a vat of dye.

    Evidently this has been an open secret for months downtown at Highmark and has been causing a lot of chuckles.

  6. PA Girl in VA
    March 30, 2012 11:50 am

    That’s a hell of a story. I think, though, he was calling her a slut based on the information gathered through his private investigation. But who knows – maybe it was a plot by the Mylers to extort money out of Melani and they never intended to break up/divorce. Crazy stuff – please keep those of us living outside of da ‘Burgh posted!

  7. Joe K.
    March 30, 2012 12:10 pm

    Facebook is great, now I know to avoid her if I’m out on the town. Not that I have enough money to interest her, though.

  8. PicaU
    March 30, 2012 12:37 pm

    Evidently, she must have an older man fetish, because according to the Trib, her estranged husband is 49. Hmmmm…a pattern perhaps?

  9. MN
    March 30, 2012 12:40 pm

    The whole story just gives me hives! Gee, she’s only 21 years younger than her “husband”…I guess being the mistress of a guy 30 years older isn’t that much of a change! Sickening on so many levels…can all three of them be thrown in jail for general stupidity?!

    • SteelCityMagnolia
      March 30, 2012 12:46 pm

      the jails are overcrowded as is. We start throwing all the stupids in there, and they’d be better off putting us normal, sane, smart people behind bars. There’d be more room that way!

  10. TripleC
    March 30, 2012 12:58 pm

    Can’t believe that “$lut” was cheating on her sugar-daddy with her husband. What nerve. Society is truly on the express train to hell.

  11. Northside15212
    March 30, 2012 1:23 pm

    So good, on so many levels. Melani is a classic dipshit thinking this grifter was intereted in anything other than his cash. Old men of the world, listen up: there isn’t an attractive young woman in the world, 30 years your junior, who wants to post up on your pair of saggy grandpa balls. By all means, pursue your dreams, but don’t become Dr. Shane Manwood, MD, in a Lifetime ‘Movie of the Week,’ whom Melani has now proven himself to be. As a customer of Highmark, I’d like to know if Mrs. Myler’s position was created for her, or, was it ‘prematurely vacated’ for her, or, was it just an open position. In any case, Grandpa Saggy Balls sure showed a remarkable amount of interest in the candidate search for a relatively mid level position, especially for someone who is running a $16 billion enterprise, AND, locked in a pitched battle with the Death Star, UPMC. I think for purposes of the Lifetime Movie angle, I hope he created it. I also hope Mrs. Myler and her hubby are in cahoots and she just grifted Highmark out of a six- or seven-figure settlement. I can see the closing scene now: back view of two chaise lounges (one with a Slippery Rock sweatshirt hung over the back) on a tropical beach, sun setting, champagne glasses clinking together. Michael Douglas plays Melani.

    In all seriousness, after reading the police report and seeing the impressive amount of completely unnecessary detail about his affair, provided to the police by his mistress, Melani must know his tenure is over.

    • bucdaddy
      March 30, 2012 1:50 pm

      Thanks a hell of a lot, Northside, for that endorsement of life after 55.



      (Still damn fine looking, ladies)

      (Also, not a grandpa)

      (Also, just one-balled, but not at all saggy)

      (PSA: Check your sack, Jack)

      • Noelle
        March 30, 2012 1:56 pm

        I have to ask, were you born one-balled or did you wind up one-balled? Sorry, but I must know.

        • bucdaddy
          March 31, 2012 1:09 am

          I lost my right-hand man a few years ago. He had a peanut growing on him and the doctor said he had to go. Did you know they pull it out through the abdomen? Yes! So now I have new friends in my oncologist and my urologist.

          However, if you’re about to say, “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that” or some variant, please save it for people who have REAL cancer, not the kind that can be dealt with by yanking a ‘nad out. I wouldn’t insult those brave people by comparing what happened to me with what they go through.

          Couple other things:

          1. All the infrastructure and the plumbing work just fine, as Mrs. Daddy can attest, or as fine as they’re ever going to work given my age, and:

          2. Seriously, if you’re a guy, check yourself out, and if you feel something that doesn’t belong there, get it dealt with. I can tell you it’s not the end of the world. Or better yet, have your ladyfriend check for you, and … go from there.

      • Sam's Dog
        March 30, 2012 4:29 pm

        Bucdaddy, not gloating but I am glad I still have at least 5 years left. No grandkids- does that have anything to do with you being 50% off? On an unrelated reply, I haven’t been AARP avalanched, I’m chalking it up to my childlike (ish) demeanor. While I may be growing old, nothing says I have to grow up.
        On the subject at hand, one has to wonder how in the hell these people rise to such heights in business, society, or whatever, and then do some of the most jaw droppingly asinine things imaginable? Maybe it’s just a small gift from God to the rest of us.

        • bucdaddy
          March 31, 2012 1:11 am

          Weirdly, Bucdaughter got an AARP application in the mail the other day. Bucdaughter is 26.

          Wow, did THAT make me feel old.

    • Noelle
      March 30, 2012 1:55 pm

      When I read this at first I was all BLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL but then when we got to the part about the Slippery Rock sweatshirt I was all *snort!*. Awesome.

    • hello haha narf
      March 30, 2012 3:03 pm

      Northside15212, i can’t stop giggling over “post up on your pair of saggy grandpa balls”

    • Dan (Not Onorato)
      March 30, 2012 7:53 pm

      Saggy Grandpa Balls would be a great band name….just sayin

  12. Northside15212
    March 30, 2012 2:33 pm

    Bucdaddy, I wholeheartedly endorse your pursuit of 20-something tail, I’m just saying don’t go down the rabbit hole like Dr. Dipshit did. He actually started believing all the sweet little nothings she was whispering in his ear (over the din of his CPAP machine, mind you, and the burning sweetness of Vick’s Vapor Rub hanging in the air). Plus, there are scores of age-appropriate babes who WILL post up on your uni-ball.

    • bucdaddy
      March 31, 2012 1:12 am

      One of the few good things about getting older is that every year there are more women I can call “girl” and they’ll love me for it.

    • Dr Kevlar
      March 31, 2012 12:50 pm

      Not sure where the sarcasm line and the what you really think line may be converging at, but being from the over 50 set I assure you that: 1) I only use Vicks when I have a cold. 2) I do not now, nor have I ever used a CPAP or BiPAP, nor have I had one suggested or prescribed. 3) I may be a bit heavier, but I am not “saggy” nor do I have bits that I describe or think of as “grandpa-like.”

      Suffice it to say that I am a trifle annoyed at your apriori assumption that once one reaches 50 than all of a sudden one looks in a mirror and sees Wilford Brimley staring back at him, if that indeed is what you are positing here.

      Now, so far as Dr. Ken is concerned, one can make a complete ass of themselves at any age when it comes to this sort of behavior. Is he acting like a maroon? Absolutely. Is his behavior more ridiculous because of his so-called prominence in the community? Certainly. Does this somehow prove that anyone over 50 should never be allowed to mingle with anyone under a certain age? No. Each person is free to go out and find the relationships that (so long as it is not harmful to themselves or others) are most beneficial to them. I get a distinct sense that somehow you believe that there is a demarcation based on age that should be happening in any realationship. If two adult people find themselves in a place where they are in a positive relationship, then it should not matter if there is or is not an age difference.

      Of course, I think the whole lot of ’em are acting like buffoons, but that is just me.

  13. sillywalter
    March 30, 2012 2:35 pm

    I can’t believe this girl plans to stay with the doctor. I feel bad for her being branded the harlot in this situation. Even though she cheated on her husband with this creep, I think she deserves a little compassion for now being drug through the mud. These guys will probably go on to live semi-normal upper-crust white-guy lives, while she’ll probably be forever the gold-digging slut who cheated on her much older husband with a much older psychopathic Bond-whannabe.

    • Dr Kevlar
      March 30, 2012 11:06 pm

      The good doctor pulls in $4 million per annum. Staying with him is probably not a real difficult decision for her. They seem to deserve each other…

      • Kay
        April 3, 2012 2:52 pm

        If I’m Melani’s wife, I’m taking him for everything and there won’t be enough left over for the slut. And yes, that’s a good word for it. She was married and she knew he was, too.

        Note to the guys: If a 20 something woman finds you hot and you’re 30 years older than she is, she’s out for your money, especially if she’s not that pretty. Melissa Myler sure isn’t. But if you want to be made a fool of, you just go right ahead.

  14. pat
    March 30, 2012 2:59 pm

    Dear PittGirl,
    I noticed your banner offering ad space on your site…
    I don’t think you’ll be hearing from Highmark anytime soon, but it might be work giving UPMC a jingle.

  15. hello haha narf
    March 30, 2012 3:06 pm

    i love batshit crazy people. just wish they lived further away!

  16. Emilie
    March 30, 2012 3:14 pm

    see – this is much funnier than what I posted on my blog….I need to be wittier. Hmm…as always, you crack me up ginny!!

  17. KGC
    March 30, 2012 3:19 pm

    Let’s see if I’ve got this right… she married 3 years ago and started boinking Melani shortly after joining Highmark in October 2011.. ~2-1/2 years after getting married. Classy broad, she is. At least she waited. :)

    Curious though.. What was her position at Highmark (besides being on her back)? She’s shown in a P-G photo as attending some event where Melani was present and not so many others, implying she was *important* to Highmark.

    She is kinda hawt, though.. probably just as bat-shit crazy too.

  18. Northside15212
    March 30, 2012 3:23 pm

    Sillywalter, I certainly have compassion for MRS. Melani and MR. Myler, neither of whom asked to have their personal lives thrust into the glare of PittGirl’s substantial media empire. I even reserve a small measure of compassion for Mrs. Myler and Dr. Melani. We all make mistakes and no one wants to see them splashed across the pages of the local paper. But make no mistake, Mrs. Melani is a grown woman who is married, and her account to police leaves little to doubt about the terms of her employment or the nature of her relationship with Dr. Melani, who is also an adult who is married. So while I don’t necessarily want to see anyone held up to public scorn gratuitously, I refuse to cast Mrs. Myler as a rube or an innocent pawn in this developing Shakespearean tragedy. To the contrary, I’ll reserve those roles for their respective spouses.

  19. bluzdude
    March 30, 2012 4:21 pm

    Geez, Pittsburgh’s executives are so much more interesting than the ones in Baltimore. I’m definitely retiring to Pittsburgh one day, just for the entertainment.

  20. suzie-Q
    March 30, 2012 8:33 pm

    I’m sure his wallet was very attractive….

  21. Dan (Not Onorato)
    March 30, 2012 10:53 pm

    OK everyone say it with me….money doesnt buy class…but it does get a$$ (there…I said it for you)

  22. Dr Kevlar
    March 30, 2012 11:09 pm

    Jeff Romoff has probably been in a state of guffaw since Thursday.

  23. Kathy
    March 31, 2012 6:29 am

    No one has mentioned his first wife and stewardess mistress…(another pair of marriages broken up). What a prince.

  24. Ginny's Dad
    March 31, 2012 9:22 am

    “…Dr. Melani showed up uninvited and accused her of cheating on him,….”

    Just shows you that you can be “smart” enough to be a CEO but can’t recognize the blatant hypocrisy if it smacked you in the face.

  25. Butcher's Dog
    March 31, 2012 12:42 pm

    OK, earlier I thought this guy was UPMC. Shows I need to read more closely. Also, while it shows money can’t buy class, it also validates our age-old Mercer County understanding that you can’t polish a turd.

    As one of my heros, Gene Collier, says, No need to thank me.

  26. LisaB
    April 1, 2012 1:24 pm

    Highmark just terminated Melani. Losing a $4 million-a-year job because he thought with the little head instead of the big one. Now THAT was some expensive nooky. Wonder if the young chippy is going to stick around now that he’s unemployed?

    • KGC
      April 2, 2012 9:43 am

      She should be fired today. Boinking someone like this in a major organization is a big no-no and should be dealt with quieckly and cleanly… for BOTH parties.

      Now, she can spend more time with him as they both look for jobs.