Keeping up with the Montanezes

On Saturday my husband and I were invited to the Shake Your Booties event honoring Franco Harris and benefiting The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh. While we didn’t have to purchase tickets, the price of them made us very aware that this would be yet another event where most of the people in attendance drove up in Benzes and Audis and Land Rovers and BMWs.

About a mile from Heinz Field, we suddenly realized the event could be valet parking and the two of us began frantically trying to straighten up my car as we rolled past PNC Park. My car is a 2006 Saturn Vue AKA The Momdorkmobile.

We hurriedly dumped out the window the water from half-empty bottles and began shoving into a Target bag a huge swath of candy wrappers, yogurt containers, church papers, school papers, receipts, gum wrappers, banana peels and other trash that would make you think my car doubled as a compost bin. He brushed the food crumbs and random fishy crackers from the back seat while I used a month-old Kleenex to wipe the thick dust off of the dash.

We looked like trailer people who learned the Queen was on her way to inspect the double-wide.

Imagine our relief to realize the event was park-on-your-own.

As we pulled into the parking lot with me behind the wheel, this conversation happened:

Him: “We need to get a new car for you. I hate coming to these things in this car.”

Me: “There is nothing wrong with this car. It is in great shape, mostly clean, drives well, and most importantly, it is paid for.”

Him: “Thank God it’s not valet.”

Me: [peruses the huge Heinz Field lot with tons of empty spaces and very deliberately pulls the Vue into a space right next to a the biggest blackest shiniest Mercedes you’ve ever seen] “Let’s park right here and make these people feel bad about their car.”

Him: [mutters various Spanish swear words under his breath]

Me: “You forgot ‘focus’.”

I will drive that Momdorkmobile until the doors fall off and my feet poke through the rusted floor like Fred Flintstone.

Need I remind you that David Conrad’s butt has been in that car?

I may donate it to the Smithsonian one day.


  1. red pen mama
    April 2, 2012 2:27 pm

    mom cars get the dirtiest and dustiest don’t they? Since David Conrad has not sat in my car, I am looking forward to trading it in for a bigger momobile. Anxious about the money, of course, but my children are going to start drawing blood if they have to sit that close to each other much longer in the back seat (I have a Camry). I vacuumed it out Saturday — it was disgusting — and threw away a bunch of trash, and I *still* have a tootsie roll stuck to one of the carpets.

    Oh dear god, I hope it’s a tootsie roll.

  2. Butcher's Dog
    April 2, 2012 2:57 pm

    Well, cheer up moms everywhere. Soon now, sooner that you think, those children riding in the back seat will be driving. Alone. With their friends. On dates. Your nightly prayers will probably include returning to the tootsie roll/fish cracker days. As always, just sayin’.

  3. Cassie
    April 2, 2012 3:10 pm

    I drove a green mini van to high school with gold rims.

    Trust me, your car is not a dork-mobile.

  4. KGC
    April 2, 2012 7:03 pm

    When I was married, I thought about just putting the garbage into her car instead of out on the street… don’t think she would have even noticed. Pig. Pen.l

  5. Cindy T.
    April 2, 2012 7:50 pm

    Our first car as a married couple was a 1974 Volkswagen “La Grande” which we drove until the floor rusted through on the passenger side. Good times.

  6. suzie-Q
    April 2, 2012 9:10 pm

    Went to a wedding once at Fox Chapel Country Club (or some fancy schmancy place out that way). Pulled up in my two door lime green Geo Metro (stick shift mind you)…..and said to the valet….”Can you park a shift”?

    Proudly handed the lucky driver my keys and trotted on in to rock the reception~!!!!
    Don’t you dare trade in that car….!!!!!