Did you hear what Dottie did?
That, my friends, is the start of a great story simply because when one of my sisters or my father refers to Mom as “Dottie,” something hilarious has happened. My mom has two personalities. Donna, the classy, generous, hospitable, friendly, selfless mother and wife who comports herself with great dignity and pride. And she has “Dottie” the awkward, clumsy, slightly clueless dork who can’t eat corn on the cob without getting kernels stuck in her eyelashes and who to this day cannot get to my blog without going to Google and typing in “That’s Church.”
You think I’m joking, but I’m not.
So when I sat down on the couch at my parents’ house on Easter to await dinner, and my sister Princess Aurora plopped down next to me and asked with a gleam of amusement in her eyes, “Did you hear what Dottie did?” I bopped up in down excitedly and clapped my hands like a kid about to open a new toy. Tell me tell me tell me! What did Dottie do?!
Out of the corner of my eye, I saw my mother who was seated on the other side of the room, slowly shake her head and then bend it down to rest it in her hands. Clearly this was a doozy. A Dottie doozy. A delightful Dottie doozy!
“You know how mom bought that iPod Touch a few days ago?”
How could I forget? Since she had purchased it, I had been bombarded with questions like, “How do I put music on this? Can I play that music while I’m in Texas if I put it on the thing while I’m in Pittsburgh? Where can I buy a cover for this? It’s running out of power but how can I charge it up if all that came with it is this wire for the computer? What do you mean by [fingerquotes] U-S-B?”
So I said to Princess, “Yes. I’m aware.”
“Well, she called Pens Fan this morning freaking out and said, ‘My iTouch had some fingerprints on it, so I got a wet wipe and wiped it down and NOW IT HAS WATER BEHIND THE SCREEN AND I CAN’T GET IT OUT AND YOUR FATHER IS GOING TO KILL ME.'”
At this point I should tell you that spending money is not only my mother’s job, it is her other religion. She’s THAT good at it. So I don’t know why she would be worried if she broke her iPod. She’d just go buy another one and Dad would just roll his eyes and take her to Aruba.
“Go on,” I said to Princess.
“Then when I got here this afternoon, she immediately corners me and she says very very seriously and direly, ‘Princess, your dad is going to kill me. I bought an iTouch and I used a baby wipe to wipe the fingerprints off of the screen and now there is water behind the screen and it won’t come out! I even put it in a bowl of rice for HOURS and it did nothing! But Molly [my niece] said she once dropped hers in a bowl of soup and it was fine after it sat in rice, and all I did was wipe mine down and the water won’t come out and it’s been in rice for hours and your father is going to KILL ME,’ and she was just freaking out.”
“So what did you do?” I asked Princess.
“I told her to get me the iPod so that I could see what was going on with it.”
Princess Aurora then reached over to the coffee table and picked up my mother’s iPod Touch to show me the “damage” that had freaked my mother out to the point of burying the thing in a bowl of rice for hours.
Yes, that is a standard iPod Touch wallpaper and my mother apparently never noticed it until she thought a baby wipe somehow got that much moisture lodged behind the screen.
The saddest part of this story is that we never thought to play a trick on her and send her to the Apple Store to see if they could “fix it” for her. We would have followed her with a camera, put that shit on YouTube and it would have been the viral-esty things since Rebecca Black.
We’ll get her next time, probably when she asks us why her iTouch isn’t receiving any phone calls.