[headdesk]

There are so many many many ways to die. The Grim Reaper must have an entire library of them organized by the Dewey Decimal System.

Bus.

Brain-eating amoeba. (Right now my sister Tina Fey is all, “I HAVE ONE OF THOSE EATING MY FRONTAL LOBE AS WE TYPE.”

Cancer. (Ugh.)

Riptide.

Brain aneurysm.

Blood clot. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is Googling, “I think I have a blood clot. What now?”)

From cute. (Pretty sure it could happen if I looked this picture of a baby hedgehog long enough.)

Plane crash. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is all, “I HAVE CALCULATED THAT MY ODDS OF DYING IN A PLANE CRASH ARE 2 to 1 EVEN THOUGH I WILL NEVER STEP TOE IN A PLANE AGAIN.”)

Riot.

Ebola. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is writing on a Post-It, “Avoid Africa at all costs. Also, check daily for bleeding from eyeballs.”)

And there are a lot of ways to intentionally put yourself right in the path of the Reaper. Everest. Suicide. Suicide by Everest. Drugs. Gaining 700 pounds. Posting Facebook or Twitter updates all, “Sigh.” or “YES!” or “I’m over it.” or “Hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.” or any other vague, cry-for-attention words or phrases. I should be allowed to kill those people, right?

But to put yourself in the path of the Reaper in such a bold fashion as these two young teenagers from Butler, is a new brand of spitting in the eye of the Grim Reaper.

Police say two teenage girls who fell asleep while sunbathing on a rural road have been struck by a car.

The Beaver County Police Department told a local TV station that Samantha Schermanhorn and Kaylie George, both 13, were hit by the vehicle Sunday afternoon.

Two of Samantha’s cousins told the station that their 19-year-old brother had stopped at a stop sign and made a turn before striking the girls with his car.

Nicole and Nicholas Beck say the girls were conscious and told them that they had fallen asleep while suntanning.

Was there no other spot of sun anywhere in all of Beaver than in the middle of a road?

Now, the girls will survive, thank God, so I feel confident in using this time to teach them a lesson that really will take them far in their lives from this point on:

The only beings that should sunbathe in the middle of a road are snakes and Vaguebookers.

Makes it easy for me to rid the world of both of those scourges.

Also, someone needs to get these girls some shirts that say, “I bitch-slapped the Grim Reaper, and won.”





22 Comments

  1. JustCele
    April 30, 2012 1:01 pm

    Amen!! How did they ever get the idea that sunbathing in the middle of a road was even remotely related to a good idea???



  2. 123Nick
    April 30, 2012 1:05 pm

    I think I saw some pigeons sunbathing on my road the other day…



  3. bucdaddy
    April 30, 2012 1:08 pm

    Vaguebookers? Vaguebookers … oh, I think I get it.

    Well, maybe it was one of those country roads like where somebody stole the bridge last year and it took everybody a week to notice.

    Not well-traveled, is what I’m saying.

    And I could have guessed it was a relative who hit them, because any other teen boy in a car would have come to a screeching halt and been all “LOOK! BOOBIES! ON GIRLS! IN THE SUN! I DON’T CARE IF THEY’RE 13, I’M GONNA OGLE FOR AWHILE” and just sat and ogled.

    The cousins’ brother was probably like, “Ew. Relative girl boobies, ew ew ew ew ..,” and closed his eyes.



  4. bluzdude
    April 30, 2012 1:09 pm

    The important question is, “Is Tina Fey ever going to go near a roadway again?”



  5. Ex-Pat Pittsburgh Girl
    April 30, 2012 1:14 pm

    Stories like this place my in fear for the future of society.



  6. Rebeccah
    April 30, 2012 1:17 pm

    That rushing water sound you hear is the future of our country swirling down the toilet.



  7. SteelCityMagnolia
    April 30, 2012 1:29 pm

    This is a whole, brand-spankin-new, very special brand of stupid.

    Is it awful of me to hope they never reproduce? The gene pool is obviously contaminated enough without adding more stupid to the mix!



  8. jenn
    April 30, 2012 1:46 pm

    Did you see when they did the report on kdka the reporter actually made the comment

    and i precieved it as remember folks it’s ok it’s a rural road no one drives on it.

    what!!!!!!!!$$$$%%%%%&&&&&&&!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    almost like they were saying hey it’s ok to do this. my driveway is basically a rural road. know what people get lost and drive on it. I’m not going to sleep in the middle of it! DUH! But then again if it was me a hawk or vulture would have pooped on me and I would not have been able to fall asleep!

    jenn



  9. Josh
    April 30, 2012 2:02 pm

    Sorry Ginny, but I may or may no have vaguebooked in the past…



  10. Magus Patris
    April 30, 2012 2:36 pm

    More fine products of the Ambridge Area education system. (I can say that caws I iz one two).



  11. Butcher's Dog
    April 30, 2012 2:46 pm

    If they’re 13 they’re probably eighth graders. As anyone who has taught knows, eighth grade girls are the planet’s most predatory creatures and hence too mean to die, even from terminal stupidity. Most grown out of this phase, so the hope that they never reproduce may be a bit hasty.

    And Ginny…a word of warning. Your daughter’s not to this age yet, but she will be before you know it. No amount of chastity-belt-wearing or GPS-tracking or good old-fashioned parenting will prevent her from doing something preternaturally stupid. Just have plenty of wine nearby for when she does.



  12. lmax
    April 30, 2012 3:20 pm

    That’s why God invented the roof… so you wouldn’t have to sunbathe on the street!



  13. Margie
    April 30, 2012 3:25 pm

    Are the girls from Butler or Beaver County? If they’re from Butler, I am ashamed to say I grew up there. If they’re from Beaver, I’m happy they weren’t from Butler.



  14. spoon
    April 30, 2012 3:27 pm

    Waiting for the follow-up story where the parents sue PennDOT for not putting up signs to watch out for sunbathers in the road.



  15. johnaz6312
    April 30, 2012 3:50 pm

    When I read this article all I could think was “STUPID”

    I told my girlfriend about this.She has never been to Pennsylvania before. She wanted to come visit and see what it is like. After reading this article she is having second thoughts at this point.



    • Noelle
      April 30, 2012 4:24 pm

      Oh honey, there are morons in every corner of the planet.



      • MN
        April 30, 2012 6:30 pm

        I second that! I have lived in 10 different states ranging from Alaska to Pennsylvania…stupid lives everywhere!



  16. Ginny's Dad
    May 1, 2012 10:08 pm

    My first thought was “What were they sniffing or drinking?”



  17. Erin
    May 2, 2012 12:19 pm

    Oooooh, I can’t stand a Vaguebooker. I have defriended many a Vaguebooker. Great name!



  18. JennyMoon
    May 3, 2012 12:46 pm

    Now that I’m a regular reader of your sister’s blog, this post was extra funny! :)