There are so many many many ways to die. The Grim Reaper must have an entire library of them organized by the Dewey Decimal System.
Brain-eating amoeba. (Right now my sister Tina Fey is all, “I HAVE ONE OF THOSE EATING MY FRONTAL LOBE AS WE TYPE.”
Blood clot. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is Googling, “I think I have a blood clot. What now?”)
From cute. (Pretty sure it could happen if I looked this picture of a baby hedgehog long enough.)
Plane crash. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is all, “I HAVE CALCULATED THAT MY ODDS OF DYING IN A PLANE CRASH ARE 2 to 1 EVEN THOUGH I WILL NEVER STEP TOE IN A PLANE AGAIN.”)
Ebola. (Right now, my sister Tina Fey is writing on a Post-It, “Avoid Africa at all costs. Also, check daily for bleeding from eyeballs.”)
And there are a lot of ways to intentionally put yourself right in the path of the Reaper. Everest. Suicide. Suicide by Everest. Drugs. Gaining 700 pounds. Posting Facebook or Twitter updates all, “Sigh.” or “YES!” or “I’m over it.” or “Hardest decision I’ve ever had to make.” or any other vague, cry-for-attention words or phrases. I should be allowed to kill those people, right?
But to put yourself in the path of the Reaper in such a bold fashion as these two young teenagers from Butler, is a new brand of spitting in the eye of the Grim Reaper.
The Beaver County Police Department told a local TV station that Samantha Schermanhorn and Kaylie George, both 13, were hit by the vehicle Sunday afternoon.
Two of Samantha’s cousins told the station that their 19-year-old brother had stopped at a stop sign and made a turn before striking the girls with his car.
Nicole and Nicholas Beck say the girls were conscious and told them that they had fallen asleep while suntanning.
Was there no other spot of sun anywhere in all of Beaver than in the middle of a road?
Now, the girls will survive, thank God, so I feel confident in using this time to teach them a lesson that really will take them far in their lives from this point on:
The only beings that should sunbathe in the middle of a road are snakes and Vaguebookers.
Makes it easy for me to rid the world of both of those scourges.
Also, someone needs to get these girls some shirts that say, “I bitch-slapped the Grim Reaper, and won.”