Prison Break 101. Grade F.

Everything I know about successful prison escapes, I learned from the movies.

And what I have learned is that after you escape prison, your first goal is to get out of your prison uniform and into something that will allow you to better blend into the general non-criminal public. A track suit. Some dockers, a t-shirt and a ball cap pulled low over your eyes. Your goal is to look like every single person around you so that you can simply blend in and disappear like cream being stirred into a cup of coffee. That is a fantastic metaphor. I’m going to use that in my forthcoming book Prison Breaking for the Epically Stupid.

Conversely, here’s guest lecturer David McFadden from Goshdarn Fayette County to give you a lesson in what NOT to do upon your escape from prison:

McFadden was taken into custody late Tuesday afternoon after he jumped from a counselor’s office window at the Fayette County Prison in an escape attempt that was over almost before it began.

Police said McFadden leaped from the window and landed 20 to 25 feet below on the street.

Then, it was off to the races. But it was a chase that went only for a few blocks.

Several blocks from the prison, McFadden ran into a parking garage where he took off his prison uniform and emerged from the structure wearing only his underwear, socks and shoes.

Has this man never seen a prison-escape movie scene in his life? Quite possibly the only thing more conspicuous than exiting a parking garage wearing a standard-issue prison uniform, is exiting a parking garage wearing only underwear, socks, and shoes.

At the very least, if he wanted to blend in in Fayette County, he should have been carrying a confused and slightly offended sheep.

That way when he exited the garage and the locals told the police, “Just saw a dude walk out of here wearing only underwear, socks, and shoes,” they’d be all, “That’s our guy!” But if the eyewitnesses said, “Just saw a dude leave wearing only underwear, socks, and shoes. And he was carrying a sheep,” they’d be all, “Nothing out of the ordinary here. Keep searching.”

God bless you, Fayette County. Fly your freak flag.





6 Comments

  1. Butcher's Dog
    May 10, 2012 4:02 pm

    And the Internet just posted that the Mayan Calendar doesn’t end in 2012 after all. So we, and all our decendents forever amen can look forward to more cutting-edge stuff from Fayette County.

    Here in Mercer County we continue to chortle.



    • bucdaddy
      May 11, 2012 1:50 am

      Oh frabjous day! Calloo! Callay!

      He chortled in his joy.

      (That’s just for you Doggie)

      I think our hero was imitating the scene from “Shawshank” when Andy Dufresne (SPOILER!) escapes down the sewer pipe and into the creek, and rips off his shirt and stands with his arms to the sky in the rain. Except he forgot to bring the pack of the (SPOILER!) warden’s clothes with him to change into, so he could )SPOILER!) …

      OK, I’ll stop.



      • Butcher's Dog
        May 11, 2012 10:09 am

        Aw, thanks,’daddy! Don’t forget to shun the frumious bandersnatch.



  2. empirechick
    May 10, 2012 4:17 pm

    Until I started following this blog, I had no idea of all the freakness Fayette County has to offer. It’s stunning, really.

    And I’m glad that spider is finally off the top of the page.



  3. bluzdude
    May 11, 2012 9:18 am

    Failing to find any suitable replacement clothes, he should have at least tried to hot-wire a car. According to the movies, anyone should be able to do this in about 12 seconds.

    Obviously that will lead to an extended and bumpy car chase in which many other cars and street vendor carts will get smashed up but carry zero consequences.



  4. Janelle
    May 15, 2012 12:46 pm

    Actually, you’d think he’d blend in pretty well in his underwear. Because this one time in high school on our way home from the county fair, we found a drunk guy passed out in his underwear along the road…




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