50 Shades of BDSM

How’s THAT for a title? My spam is going to be off the charts with terrifying awesomeness in about ten seconds with incredible offers to enlarge my penis to help me make big boom in bedroom during super happy sexy fun time!

Also, my butler and good friend Woy has come up with the best word in the world to describe terrifying awesomeness. Ready?

FUNSTURBING!

I’ll use it in a sentence. “The magnitude of my baby’s farts is positively funsturbing.”

Here’s a word my brother-in-law Ginny Slims (as his wife Tina Fey calls him on her blog) made up years ago for a bodily function that to this day in 2012 has no associated word. Ready?

Agillitation: The bowels’ sometimes growling, groaning, bubbling, gurgling process of forming feces.

In a sentence. “We need to hurry home. I’m agillitating something.”

Isn’t that perfect? Not quite yet to the point where you need to poop, but your body is flicking the warning switches that things are really solidifying down there and you might want to get near a human waste receptacle at your earliest convenience.

All that to say this. WHAT IN THE EVER-LOVING HECK IS FIFTY SHADES OF GREY?!

A text from my sister who shall remain nameless but her name is Princess Aurora of Wexfordshire.

PA: Okay. Don’t judge. But have been reading Fifty Shades of Grey … AND LOVE IT!!!! Can’t put it down! Get the sample and tell me you don’t want to continue to read!!! I have had a smile on my face all day just thinking about the book.

Tina Fey: I’m judging. I’m judging so hard I can feel my temple vein throbbing with a near stroke.

Do you see what a worry wart she is? It’s comical. I bet she Googled, “Am I having a stroke?” not three minutes after she typed that and then she determined that she did indeed suffer a mini-stroke and then she probably ate a hundred mini-Three Musketeers bars to comfort herself.

Princess: REALLY?! You didn’t like it?

Tina: Are you kidding!!!!???? Did you not read my blog review of the sample? I wanted someone to kill both characters. I HATED IT! You need to read my post about it. I wanted someone to pay me for the 45 minutes of my life I wasted reading it!

Princess: I love it! Like a crazy soap!

Tina: I’ll forgive you since you were not an English major who learned to appreciate things like character development and believable dialogue. 

Princess: I have a lesser class taste for literature. I’m not as cultured as ya. I like the mommy porn. ;) Also, who do you know is into that????? As I read it, I think, “Who in their right mind would agree to that!?” But I still can’t put it down!!

Tina: [Name redacted] She’s a big ole BDSM junkie.

Pens Fan: Princess is addicted to Mommy Porn!?

Princess: Pens Fan, you will love it!!! Muchacho will thank me that I gotcha to read it!!!! Many steamy nights ahead for ya, girl!!!!

Let me pause here so that I can find some more question marks and exclamation points because they’ve used so many that all I’ve got left are some schwas and half an ampersand.

Tina: How are we related?

Pens Fan: Princess, I have no clue what you are talking about. I probably wouldn’t understand any of it.

Princess: Tina, it’s like wine. I can drink two buck chuck and love it whereas a wine aficionado (yea took me 2 min to spell correct word) would think it is crap. That is crazy about your friend! I had to wiki what BDSM even was.

Pens Fan: Princess and I have simple literary minds. We aren’t smart like you and Ginny. :)

Tina: You are smart. You just have hideously crappy taste in literature.

Princess: Pens Fan, read it. TRUST ME!!!!

Pens Fan: K. I will.

Tina: I’m hanging my head in sorrow.

Somewhere, my poor father’s brain just exploded and he has fifty shades of grey matter on his computer screen.

Somewhere, Tina Fey is Googling “Could my head literally just explode without warning?”

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