Gosh darn you, Kip Kay!

I know you don’t know who Kip Kay is, and up until a few months ago I would have thought Kip Kay was a swanky beach resort on the coast of Rhode Island.

Kip Kay, RI.

The Euro Sticker would be KKRI.

No, Kip Kay is actually some sort of gadgety electronic guru super-genius who can build a rocket ship out of a disposable camera and a rubber band, and who makes MacGyver look about as handy as a trunk of elephant poop.

I have no idea how my son discovered Kip Kay’s website, but I think he must have been Googling “FART MACHINE.”

You think I’m kidding, but one of the first things my kid built from a Kip Kay video is an archaic fart machine made from a rubber band, a washer, and a paper clip. MacGyver never saved a damsel with a fart machine, that’s for damn sure.

Since his joy at the fart machine and making one for all of his friends at school (YOU’RE WELCOME, MOMS AND DADS!), he has also, with his father’s supervision, turned a lighter into a mini-motorcycle. On his own, he pranked my husband into thinking there was a huge scratch on his car, put fake blood inside the bristles of my toothbrush turning my entire mouth and lips red for five hours, took apart his electronic Incredible Hulk toy to see what made it work, and used the gel balls inside a diaper to turn a glass of water into a towering mass of goo.

Needless to say, we’ve had to hide the tools from him lest we find him behind the washing machine with an important looking part in his hands and a look on his face that says, “Shit.”

Now, my son is only allowed to watch the videos on KipKay.com because if he watches them on YouTube, the comments are terrible at times, and the “Related Videos” thing is just a scourge that once led him to watching the Challenger explode. Talk about an unexpected plot twist.

One day a few weeks ago I sat next to him on the couch while he was watching videos on KipKay.com, when I heard the words “condom hack pack.” And my ears went RUH-ROH! My kid has no idea what condoms are, but he was watching KipKay talk about five awesome things you could make with a condom including a fun shooter. I quickly leaned over and clicked away from the video and said, “Why don’t you watch this one instead?” Because really, the last thing I need is to be in Target one day and have my nine-year-old son loudly say, “Mom. I need some condoms.”

Hiya, Mister Child Protective Services. I swear he’s not sexually active. 

Fast forward to a few days later when we took the kids to Smokey Bones for my birthday dinner (I let the kids pick the restaurant). The waitress arrived with our drink order and also plopped down some appetizer plates topped with a four-pack of individual hand-wipes. You know? Square hand-wipe packets that you tear into?

And my son, very loudly because he has two volumes and they are “loud” and “sonic boom” picked up the wipes, waved them around and asked, “WHAT ARE THESE?! CONDOMS?!?!?!”


I looked at my husband.


He looked at me.


We looked at the waitress.


We looked around at the judging eyes of the other patrons in the now-silent restaurant.


Then my daughter who is five and who repeats everything her brother says, shouted at the top of her lungs out into the quiet, judgy air, “WHAT ARE THESE?! CONDOMS?!?!?!?!?!? HAHAHAHAH!”

And then my husband and I shriveled up and died right there.

May we rest in peace.

Until Child Protective Services comes and takes them both away.

Gosh darn you, Kip Kay. Gosh darn you to Kip Kay, RI.



  1. MrsCrappy
    June 21, 2012 11:37 am

    I love your life! So entertaining!

    • matt
      June 21, 2012 1:36 pm

      I’m going to have to argue that this is so funny not only because of her “entertaining” life, but her excellent writing…

  2. Kristen
    June 21, 2012 11:38 am

    Ohhh nooo. I’m blushing for you right now!

  3. Jill M
    June 21, 2012 11:39 am

    I am wiping the tears from my eyes! Kids are hilarious – especially when they are other peoples :)

    My daughter was in 1st grade when we were staying at a hotel for a dance competition with 5 other families. We left the kids (with older kids as sitters) and the adults went down for drinks.

    3 weeks later, she brings home a paper on the 5 senses. “Hearing: the sound of the bar when I called my mom” Yep…I waited for days for CPS – decided to skip the parent teacher conference that year too…(thankfully she was my youngest…)

  4. AngryMongo
    June 21, 2012 11:52 am

    Happy Birthday, BTW….

    Did they (Smokey Bones) run out of chicken? We stopped going there because of that.

    My brother once lit a bride’s hair on fire, at a wedding reception in Galitzin, from 15 feet away using only a small piece of foil from the party favor and a match from the bar. He was only 16 at the time.

  5. Noelle
    June 21, 2012 12:25 pm

    I taught my 2 year old niece to scream “Jag-OFF!” in the middle of church. If any of you attend Calvary Episcopal on Shady Ave, say “hi” to Lily!

  6. Josh
    June 21, 2012 1:19 pm

    So I was having a bad day at work and that story totally made my day : )

  7. red pen mama
    June 21, 2012 1:30 pm

    Happy belated.

    Kids are fun. If you kept some condoms in your bedside drawer for your children to find (along with the lube), then he wouldn’t have to ask. Or so says a friend of mine.


  8. Magus Patris
    June 21, 2012 1:34 pm

    A couple of years ago, my then 6 year old shouted out loudly at PNC Park, “Daddy what does KKK mean?”
    “Is the KKK good, because they have a sign up there.”
    I explain that the KKK is very bad (like when I tried explaining Nazis while watching “Indiana Jones”) and where did he hear about them.
    He pointed to left field at the Kennametal Strikeout board, “See? KKK!”
    I could not wait for the Pirates to get the fourth strikeout.

  9. jann
    June 21, 2012 1:40 pm

    Wasn’t it Steve Jobs who said his mom was so good about letting him “experiment” with stuff in the kitchen when he was a kid? He attributed his success to that.

    Let me know when I can buy stock in your kid’s company!

  10. Jen
    June 21, 2012 3:35 pm

    On the brighter side, kids who do those kinds of things are one thing when they grow up: Engineers (who make tons of money from the amazing inventions they come up with)

  11. Steelertom
    June 21, 2012 6:42 pm

    He may never mature you need to know that. I have never matured. Once back in the 90’s when I was still active duty, my parents came to California for a visit a little side trip to Walmart, and I dropped a pack of rainbow colored trojans in mom’s basket when she wasn’t looking. Hilarity ensued when she got to the checkout! Yep sometimes we never mature…..

  12. Suzie-Q
    June 21, 2012 9:44 pm

    OMG…this is simply HILARIOUS!!! I think it will be one of those family stories that gets passed down from generation to generation…..depending of course on staying away from the condoms so further generations CAN be born!!!

  13. KGC
    June 21, 2012 10:04 pm


    In 1272, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat’s lower intestine.

    In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea, by taking the intestine out of the goat first.

    I hope you appreciate this historical information.

  14. Dash66
    June 22, 2012 1:38 am

    It could have been worse. When I was a wee little boy, my family and I were living in Germany. One day my church was having a dinner at a local restaurant and all of the families gave their kids a few coins to go play the slot machine. Well, my dad was giving me a hard time about getting money from him, so by the time I got my coin, there was already a line of kids a mile long (or maybe it was just 5 kids, but at that age, that was close enough to a mile).
    Well, I also had to use the restroom, so, since I was going to have to wait so long for the slot machine, I figured that I might as well go there first. Well, lo and behold, there was a slot machine in the bathroom as well. I put in my money… AND I WON!!!!!
    So I come running out of the bathroom waving my prize (a condom) yelling, Look dad, I won this in the slot machine in the bathroom! Even the preacher was rolling on the ground with that one!
    My dad took the condom away from me and gave me a whole pocket full of change, with explicit directions to ONLY play the other slot machine.
    To this day, any time someone mentions being embarrased by their kid, my dad mentions this story!

  15. Kipkay
    June 22, 2012 7:35 am

    That story is far funnier than any of the comments I get on my videos! I never thought that Handi-Wipes resembled c*****s! See, I can’t even bring MYSELF to say that word now!

  16. Bojack
    June 22, 2012 9:01 am

    A lad after my own heart……. :-)

  17. bluzdude
    June 22, 2012 9:23 am

    I totally made that same fart machine when I was a kid. We didn’t have the videos though… the “technology” was passed around from friend to friend as a highly guarded secret.

  18. Butcher's Dog
    June 22, 2012 12:12 pm

    See, you’re soon coming to their age when your entire purpose on earth seems to be to embarrass them. Be sure to capitalize on any and all opportunities when they come, remembering scenes like the one described if you need motivation. Or if you’re keeping score.

  19. Pensgirl
    June 22, 2012 1:09 pm

    After brilliantly spilling balsamic viniagrette on myself at lunch, I got out a Shout wipe and then I started to laugh wondering if it would have elicited a similar response from your son. My brain is now set to forever call up “WHAT ARE THESE?! CONDOMS?!?!?!” every time I see any product in a little tearaway packet.

  20. bucdaddy
    June 23, 2012 10:19 am

    You could have stood up and shouted, “Damn liberals, infiltrating the school system and distributing their communist condoms to kids as young as 8 and 5! That’s it, we’re home schooling from now on! Let’s go, RIGHT NOW.” and marched them to the car.

  21. Butcher's Dog
    June 23, 2012 1:30 pm

    We used unlubricated condoms (not the easiest thing in the world to find, by the way) over the transmitter packs for wireless mics on stage at my school. They keep the sweat and oil from getting into the body pack. Anyway, a favorite memory is having my 15-year-old Cat in the Hat for Seussical (a girl) standing in the middle of the stage about 10 minutes before we let people into the seats loudly proclaiming, “I need a condom! I need it now!” You know you can’t pay for entertainment like that.