A text conversation with my sisters

A text conversation with my sisters:

Tina Fey: “Look at my FB timeline. I had to kill a snake this morning. Nearly threw up.”

Me: [runs to Facebook and finds several pictures of a severed snake head, mouth agape, eyes dead, laying across a rock]

Me: “OMG. You need to move home. Nice and cool and we don’t have to kill snakes here.” Side note: this happened before Friday when the mouth of hell opened and unleashed hellfire into the air.

Tina: “I was so freaked out. I had a 25-minute cardio workout without moving anything but my stabbing arm.”

Princess Aurora: “What kind of snake was it?!”

Tina: “I have no idea, but it was pissy and reared up in defense the whole time I was mutilating it.”

Me: “Where was this snake and why did you have to kill it and was it poisonous and do you think chopping its head off was a bit overkilly?”

Tina: “I had to chop its head off. I initially severed it in half but it continued to hiss at me with its tongue protruding. So I chopped off more of his body and he just got angrier. Then I hacked its head off and it writhed with mouth agape for 10 minutes! The only way to kill a snake is to overkill it!! It took two shovels and a hoe!

Me: Where was it?

Tina: “It was right off our back porch. No idea what kind it is. Probably just a grass snake, but they’re all Satan’s creatures and must die regardless of their potential to poison you.”

Me: “Well that snake is the deadest dead snake I’ve ever seen.”

Tina: “Yep, that’s how I roll. I hope it suffered greatly. And I’m pissed at my cat now because the only reason I have a cat is to kill things. Why have her if she’s not going to do her job? She’s lucky I didn’t whack her with the shovel too.”

Me: “If I was a cat, the biggest thing I would kill would be a mouse. I don’t blame your cat. You need a hawk. Or a falcon. Or a pterodactyl.”

Tina: “Our pet store stopped carrying birds of prey and dinosaurs. I’m going to have to get a bigger, meaner cat. Maybe a mountain lion. Or just a lion.”

And the lesson we should all learn from this text conversation is that Texas is stupid, cats are useless, and having a pet pterodactyl would be AWESOME.



  1. redram1
    June 29, 2012 8:37 pm

    Tina Fey needs to get a rat terrier. We had one when was a kid. Her name was Trixie. We lived in the country and she would hunt down snakes all the time. When one of the neighbors would have a snake under their porch or in their basement, they would call my mom and she would take Trixie over to their house to seek and destroy. She was one bad-ass dog!

  2. Ginny's Dad
    June 29, 2012 8:41 pm

    Tina Fey, you are my daughter. I kill spiders and centipedes that way. I keep smashing them until legs, antennae, body parts are scattered all over the wall or floor. Then I wipe up the remains with a paper towel and flush them down the toilet. Mom thinks I go a little overboard. If I confronted a snake that was still hissing at me after I chopped it in half, I would have to get my chainsaw.

    • Tina Fey
      June 30, 2012 8:38 am

      D wanted me to get a machete out of the garage, but I wasn’t entirely confident that I wouldn’t accidentally behead myself in the process of killing the snake.

  3. Ginny's Dad
    June 29, 2012 8:52 pm

    At least it did not grow two more heads like the Hydra of Greek mythology.

  4. BillG
    June 29, 2012 8:53 pm

    Sweet! I like the chainsaw idea.

  5. Laura
    June 29, 2012 8:55 pm

    Hey! ::jumps on soap box with fists on hips::

    There is nothing wrong with Texas. At least there aren’t bears roaming about in people’s back yards there.

    ::hops off soapbox::

    Ok, I’m done. :D

  6. Pens Fan
    June 29, 2012 9:06 pm

    When you mentioned the pterodactyl I think of the Laverne and Shirley episode where they are dressed as cave women and the pterodactyl attacks them. One of my favorite episodes

  7. empirechick
    June 29, 2012 9:09 pm

    I also applaud the chain saw, except you have to get too close to the snake.

    BTW, that is a terrible pic for a snakeophobe like me, especially when you aren’t posting as often and it’s going to be stick there for awhile.

  8. Doug Belkofer
    June 29, 2012 9:18 pm

    Ok – funny story! But what about the Texas reference? Is your sister in Texas? I lived in Pittsburgh for almost ten years, but I live in Texas now… And I’ll never move back North… Snakes or not… :-)

  9. Lynne
    June 29, 2012 9:25 pm

    At my house Marc catches bugs, spiders, etc in a bug catcher and releases them into the wild. Not sure what he would do with a snake.

  10. Mis
    June 29, 2012 10:10 pm

    I have been having a snake problem too. They are
    Under my porch. I poured boiling water on one and killed it. Saw another one and tried to do the same and it came after me. My husband has chopped up three more.
    I need Billy the Exterminator!

    • PA Girl in VA
      June 29, 2012 10:30 pm

      Maybe once Billy & his wifey resolve their recent legal issues he’ll be able to make it over to your house.

  11. Lynne
    June 29, 2012 10:12 pm

    Ok. I take that back. With the exception of the carpenter ant that must be an inch long that Marc just caught in Ethan’s room. It will meet a horrible death!!

  12. Julie
    June 29, 2012 10:15 pm

    The thing I appreciate most about this conversation is that it is a texting conversation and it is actually in English – complete sentences and punctuation!

    • empirechick
      June 30, 2012 1:17 am

      +1 Good grammar is a lost art – just ask Butcher’s Dog…

      • Butcher's Dog
        June 30, 2012 6:52 am

        Amen to that, sister! Except they all may lose their texting licenses for using proper English.

  13. PA Girl in VA
    June 29, 2012 10:34 pm

    We bought our son a small corn snake a few months ago and I absolutely adore it. As a matter of fact, the darn thing seems to have taken a liking to me, too. It will crawl along my arm and curl up next to my body. I don’t mind reptiles or rodents (not that I want to encounter a wild one in or near my house, mind you) but don’t get me started on bugs. Ew. It is my husband’s job to deal with them. I wonder if my little buddy “Scales” would eat them…..

  14. BeckyS
    June 29, 2012 10:35 pm

    Can’t stop laughing…..

  15. bucdaddy
    June 30, 2012 1:23 am

    All that texting? I’m puzzled. Why didn’t one of you just call the other? Wouldn’t that whole conversation have taken about 1/10 the time?

    Jesu Christi. I don’t know what you call a doctor who repairs the ligaments and tendons in people’s ruined thumbs, but I wish I’d become one of them, because in the next10 years I’d make a freaking fortune.

    Also, when your sister has mice in her basement, don’t blame the cat. That’s what snakes DO.

    • Tina Fey
      June 30, 2012 8:51 am

      In a normal situation, I’d agree that calling is quicker. But I wanted to tell all four sisters at the same time. It’s entirely possible that my phone has the ability to call four people at once, but I have no idea how that would be accomplished. So in this instance, texting was much quicker and it didn’t require me to repeat the same story four times.

      And we don’t have basements in Texas, so mice may completely overrun my yard, but I’ll just get more cats! I believe that all snakes must be considered poisonous and must be destroyed. If they don’t want to be killed, they need to make sure I don’t see them.

  16. Butcher's Dog
    June 30, 2012 6:58 am

    Well, bucdaddy, yes and no. I grew up on a farm in Mercer County and the seasonal flow usually went something like…snakes in the house in summer, mice the other three seasons. Never had a cat while living there. I don’t think the snakes kept the mice away; I think the mice preferred the outdoors and its bounty of goodies that summer had to offer. The house, on the other hand, offered a nice warm place to stay the rest of the time. Snakes do kill and eat mice, of course, but I don’t think they consider it their job or anything.

    By the way, the old wives tale that a snake’s tail doesn’t stop twitching until sunset on the day it’s killed is pretty accurate. That may explain the post-truncation movements. Still, better get it by the head early on in the game and then stay away from the snapping head for a while.

    See…not all learning takes place in school!

  17. bluzdude
    July 1, 2012 11:04 am

    “Two shovels and a hoe?” Who was the hoe? (Ba-dump bump!)

    TF should see if her local pet shop will sell her a mongoose.

  18. Robin
    July 2, 2012 9:36 am

    Why, oh why did I read this post? @Butcher’s Dog – snakes in the HOUSE?!?!?! I saw a snake last week and it disappeared under the siding in my house. It took the boyfriend and neighbor three hours to convince me that the snake would leave. Please, dear GAWD, don’t tell me they were wrong!!!!! I’m moving.

    • Butcher's Dog
      July 2, 2012 12:05 pm

      Um….Robin? Breathe. If you’re not in a rural area, you probably don’t have much to worry about. As for them getting in under the siding, I don’t know. Do you have drafty rooms in the winter time? Your siding should be pretty tightly secured to the house, I’d think. I lived in a ramshackle place that was over 100 years old when we moved into in in 1951. There were bats in the attic, among other things.

      As for the snake leaving, it will if there’s nothing to eat. Hopefully you don’t have gerbils as pets. Or mice, for that matter.

      • Robin
        July 2, 2012 12:19 pm

        K……we live in Bloomfield, but the backyard oversees the busway. We get all kinds of things in the yard. The dog actually saved me from picking up an 8 foot rat snake one night that I thought was a downed branch. Eek……our house is over 100 years old, too. I’m sure there is a mouse or two, but we also have four cats.

        • Butcher's Dog
          July 2, 2012 3:23 pm

          Sounds to me like you’re pretty well protected with animals. Just got one of those Passed-Along-to-Everyone e-mails from a friend that touted the benefits of wasp and hornet spray as a self-defense object. At the end it said the stuff will kill snakes and mice. Might be something to think about.

          • Robin
            July 2, 2012 3:29 pm

            Hate to kill the snakes….only doing their job. But we can’t share a home and they must let me know they are around. NO SURPRISES!

  19. StacyfrPgh
    July 2, 2012 9:45 pm

    Do you know what a skink is? It’s kind of a cross between a small lizard and a snake. When we lived in Alabama, *shudder* we had one in the house. I hated that thing! I always thought it would climb my bedcovers at night and get me. One day I caught it with a Cool-Whip container while I was on hold with the electric company. One a corded phone! Hey! I might be as badass as the terrier from the first reply!

    (I took a lot of time and tries to make sure the comma after Alabama was in the right place and I didn’t seem too effusive with the exclamation marks.)

    I talk to my sister all the time with texts and instant messaging. Good grammar and all.


    • redram1
      July 3, 2012 7:25 pm

      Did you grab it with your teeth and thrash it about until it was dead? Sorry Stacy, but you’re not as badass as my Trixie, but I like you anyway! :)

  20. Duncan
    July 3, 2012 10:01 am

    You should teach your cat to kill pigeons.

  21. CityMom
    July 4, 2012 11:58 am

    One day I was watering my herb garden in Texas and a nasty looking snake slithered out. I went in the house, told my future husband that I was moving home and hoped that he would join me. I started sending resumes to Pittsburgh companies the next day. 15+ years later and still snake free here on Mount Washington.

  22. bluzdude
    July 5, 2012 4:44 pm

    Where’s St. Patrick when you need him?