A text conversation with my sisters:
Tina Fey: “Look at my FB timeline. I had to kill a snake this morning. Nearly threw up.”
Me: [runs to Facebook and finds several pictures of a severed snake head, mouth agape, eyes dead, laying across a rock]
Me: “OMG. You need to move home. Nice and cool and we don’t have to kill snakes here.” Side note: this happened before Friday when the mouth of hell opened and unleashed hellfire into the air.
Tina: “I was so freaked out. I had a 25-minute cardio workout without moving anything but my stabbing arm.”
Princess Aurora: “What kind of snake was it?!”
Tina: “I have no idea, but it was pissy and reared up in defense the whole time I was mutilating it.”
Me: “Where was this snake and why did you have to kill it and was it poisonous and do you think chopping its head off was a bit overkilly?”
Tina: “I had to chop its head off. I initially severed it in half but it continued to hiss at me with its tongue protruding. So I chopped off more of his body and he just got angrier. Then I hacked its head off and it writhed with mouth agape for 10 minutes! The only way to kill a snake is to overkill it!! It took two shovels and a hoe!
Me: Where was it?
Tina: “It was right off our back porch. No idea what kind it is. Probably just a grass snake, but they’re all Satan’s creatures and must die regardless of their potential to poison you.”
Me: “Well that snake is the deadest dead snake I’ve ever seen.”
Tina: “Yep, that’s how I roll. I hope it suffered greatly. And I’m pissed at my cat now because the only reason I have a cat is to kill things. Why have her if she’s not going to do her job? She’s lucky I didn’t whack her with the shovel too.”
Me: “If I was a cat, the biggest thing I would kill would be a mouse. I don’t blame your cat. You need a hawk. Or a falcon. Or a pterodactyl.”
Tina: “Our pet store stopped carrying birds of prey and dinosaurs. I’m going to have to get a bigger, meaner cat. Maybe a mountain lion. Or just a lion.”
And the lesson we should all learn from this text conversation is that Texas is stupid, cats are useless, and having a pet pterodactyl would be AWESOME.