Jesse Reviews Five Things

I love Jesse Landis-Eigsti. I love his name. I love the faces he makes. I love his writing style. I love his brain. 

I’ve never met Jesse Landis-Eigsti.

I’ve posted about his blog, Jesse Reviews the World, before and here is Jesse, in all of his glory, reviewing some things for you. I bet you’ll love him too soon.

____________________________

At Jesse Reviews the World, the creative process is very standardized. I awake in the morning, being Jesse. At some point in the day, some noun I encounter catches my eye due to its adjective-ness (Eg: Cabin in the Woods for its awesomeness; Cosmopolitan Magazine for its depressing-ness; the Pittsburgh road system for its dysfunctional-ness). I then sit down and manically write about that thing until I have properly explicated, say, Reeses Puffs. To cap off the review, I give the subject an arbitrary letter grade, just like in Elementary School. Two days later, my mother “likes” my review on Facebook. I repeat these steps every two to three months.

When I was given this chance to post on a blog that people actually read, though, I decided I didn’t want to blow it all on a single review. Instead, here are five Quickie Reviews in ascending grade level.

JESSE’S QUICKIE REVIEWS

People Who Talked Loudly Through An Entire St. Vincent Concert

I have a proposal. At the doors of concerts, the bouncers give every patron a questionnaire. It is filled with such questions as:

Do you think other people at concerts want to hear the music maybe? Y/N

Are you capable of taking a break from telling your own stupid stories for thirty frigging minutes? Y/N

Do friends and relations describe you as “a frustrating, self-centered poop-wad?” Y/N

If there are too many warning signs in a patron’s answers, the bouncer wedgies the guilty party and sends them on their way.

Dear People Who Talked Loudly Through An Entire St. Vincent Concert: I hope somebody farts non-stop during your wedding.

GRADE: F

“Chu” Graffiti

Man, Chu, your tag is just not that cool. A friend suggested that we write “Pika” before every instance of “chu” written on our fair city, so we’re all thinking about a cuddly Japanese cartoon character rather than your jagoff* graffiti. It’s tempting, but I’m not sure it’s possible to make lemonade out of these particular scribbly lemons.

GRADE: D

*Did I do that right? I’m new here.

Taco Bell

Taco Bell food is much like wine in a box. In college, it was deemed necessary, due to Low Funds, Irony, and the Pursuit of Fun Times, to ingest these things regularly. After graduating, however, imbibing either tends to fill you with intestinal regret…which turns your Fun Times Snack into a Somber Reminder of the Disintegration of Your Mortal Body. I still eat the Teeb (as we affectionately called it) from time to time, but it’s mostly for nostalgic purposes, and my guts always pay the price.

GRADE: C-

Call Me Maybe

I might feel differently if I worked in an environment where I heard it all the time, but I like this ubiquitous pop song. The chorus has those syncopated violins and cheery guitar squiggles, and the melody and lyrics were clearly written for good-hearted tweens to memorize upon a single listen. It gets demerits for its tendency to embed itself in my brain…in fact, it’s lodged in there now, ever since I wrote “syncopated violins.” It’s probably stuck in your head too, now. Crap! Sorry.

“Call Me Maybe” gets Bonus Points for the Cookie Monster parody: Share It Maybe.

GRADE:  B-

Comic Book Wizard

This one guy who works at the wonderful Copacetic Comics in Polish Hill has some sort of algorithm that lets him predict exactly what sort of graphic novel you will like. “I liked Habibi pretty well,” you might mention, and he’ll quickly supply you with twelve works similar in tone, content, or drawing style. Unlike some with encyclopedic knowledge, Comic Book Wizard doesn’t sneer when you look for something campy, nor does he ever try to show off. He just uses his powers for good, and I’m all the more literate because of it. Dear CBW, I don’t know your real name but you are my hero.

GRADE: A

Blam! Five things, all reviewed. You’re welcome, Pittsburgh; now you know what you should like.





8 Comments

  1. inBrookline
    July 17, 2012 5:27 pm

    I’ve always wanted to make black t-shirts with big white block letters on the back that say “SHUT UP. I AM TRYING TO HEAR THE F*CKING BAND”.

    I would sell them at a stand outside of Club Cafe.



  2. bluzdude
    July 17, 2012 7:01 pm

    Love the Pica-CHU idea. Everybody should get right on that. Bonus points if you draw a picture too.



  3. Bram R
    July 17, 2012 8:09 pm

    Love these pieces. I’d give Call Me Maybe a B+. Thanks for the tip on Comic Book Wizard in Polish Hill. I need to track down primary source material on Batman’s relationship with Commissioner Gordon and his predecessors and successors in Gotham — but I’m also excited for what dude’s algorithm comes up with for me.



  4. red pen mama
    July 18, 2012 8:25 am

    I thought my husband was going to kill someone at the Wilco concert a few years ago.

    Pikachu! Love it.

    I cannot remember the last time I ate Taco Bell, and i thank God for that after reading your review.

    My 5-year-old memorized Call Me, Maybe after one listen. I get a kick out of that song, but I also don’t listen to the radio, so I’m not innundated with it.

    Thanks for the post!



  5. bucdaddy
    July 18, 2012 10:34 am

    Wine isn’t in a box because it’s good, it’s in a box because it’s convenient for me to take on the train and get blotto before we reach Johnstown.* And carrying beer in an overnight bag is … problematic.

    *–Of course, that’s what the pint bottle of Jack Daniel’s is good for too.



  6. Janelle
    July 18, 2012 5:47 pm

    That concert questionnaire needs to happen right now.



  7. Virginia
    July 18, 2012 9:45 pm

    Just wanted to point out that “the Teeb” would also be a great nickname for tuberculosis.



  8. Randy Landis-Eigsti
    July 18, 2012 10:51 pm

    Your dad likes your reviews, too. He just doesn’t “like” them.