Babies versus balls

I know you don’t watch America’s Got Talent because it’s not exactly “quality” television unless you think trying to figure out what the hell Nick Cannon is thinking when he chooses his pants is “quality” TV.

But my husband LOVES the show so I tolerate it with him. There was a contestant in the top 48 named Horse and Horse’s “talent” was getting violently smashed, bashed, kicked, and punched in the huevos. The balls. The nuts. The junk.

He did this without wearing a cup and he called it his superpower and Howard Stern just thought it was the best thing that ever happened ever in America ever ever.

As we watched what would be Horse’s final performance because the good voting people of America realized that getting smashed in the junk repeatedly is not really talent, my husband cringed and groaned and grabbed his own personal huevos in sympathy pain.

Me: “How bad does it REALLY hurt to get kicked there?”

Him: “Bad. BAD. So bad. SO SO SO BAD. Oh, so bad. Makes you want to puke.”

Me: “Give me something to compare it to. Like another pain. Is it like breaking a bone?”

Him: “Worse than childbirth.”

Me: “YOU’VE NEVER BIRTHED A CHILD.”

Him: “Okay. Have you ever had a pain so bad that it just knocks you to your knees?”

Me: [blink] [blink] “I BIRTHED A CHILD.”

Him: “I still don’t think it’s as bad as getting kicked in the balls.”

Me: “Do you not remember that the epidural didn’t work? Do you not remember me screaming so loud that the nurses thought I was possessed? Do you not remember me saying the F word to the nurses’ faces and MEANING IT? Do you not remember me dry-heaving over and over again? Do you not remember me throwing medical supplies to the floor in blinding pain? Do you not remember ME STANDING IN THAT DELIVERY ROOM PUNCHING YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR GETTING ME PREGNANT AND MAKING ME GO THROUGH THAT?!”

Him: [blink] “Okay. Maybe they’re comparable.”

Me: “You can say that if you ever grow a uterus and birth a baby. No way is getting kicked in the balls worse.”

Him: “You can say that if you ever GROW BALLS AND HAVE THEM KICKED.”

Me: “Say ‘focus’ for me.”

So there is really no way to know which is the worse pain, birthing a 8 lb. 6 oz. baby without an epidural or getting kicked in the nuts.

But it’s the baby. My God, trust me, it’s the baby.





19 Comments

  1. kim
    July 26, 2012 10:20 am

    My epidural didn’t work so well either, so I would say baby is worse. Also, labor can take forever, so the pain is lasting. Getting kicked in the balls does sound agonizing, though. (shudder)



  2. bucdaddy
    July 26, 2012 10:42 am

    1. When I was in junior high, we had gym class in the swimming pool one day. Somehow I jumped off the low dive at just the right angle and smacked my sack on the water. I seriously thought I was gonna drown. I managed to hold my breath until I floated back to the surface and then struggled the 10 feet to the edge of the pool, where I just sort of hung until class was over.

    2. In high school gym class (sensing a pattern here …) we were playing basketball and I was guarding the guy with the ball. He faked to throw a pass and I jumped spread eagle to block it. He crouched underneath me and I landed (or rather, my sack did) on his back. I crawled (not exaggerating) to the bleachers and took the rest of the class off.

    I doubt those incidents had anything to do with the fact I’m now half the man I used to be. That was due to the mother%&$&*$ cancer. But I often use such opportunities to remind my friends on blogs such as yours to check your sack, Jack. Guys at the age I was (near 50 at the time) aren’t supposed to get testicular cancer, but here I am. So grab the jewels from time to time, fellas (we know you’re usually fiddling around down there half the time anyway), and if you feel anything you know shouldn’t be there, get to a doctor. I’m here to attest that your life doesn’t end (in ANY way) if you go down to one. It’s why nature gave you two in the first place.

    And ladies, if you want to impress your man with how much you really care, you could give him a good feel-up and tell him it’s for his good health and you love him, and see where it leads from there. You might get lucky. Unless it’s me you really love and care about, in which case you’ll have to get Mrs. Daddy’s OK first. Go ahead, I’ll wait.



    • bucdaddy
      July 26, 2012 11:15 am

      Oh, one other thing: The pain of childbirth, apparently, is not so bad that women swear off ever getting pregnant again after the first kid. Either it’s not as bad as you make it out to be, Virginia, or you have a short memory, or … you just really, REALLY like the focus.

      Several of my female relatives were sitting around the living room one day, talking about their periods. “Oh!” they were saying, “Sometimes I even forget when it’s time for it to come around! Haha!”

      I listened to this for awhile and then said, “If I knew that once a month some guy was going to come to my house and kick me in the balls, I’d sure as hell remember which day it was.”



      • Amanda
        July 26, 2012 1:02 pm

        Just because we sometimes have more than one kid doesn’t mean the pain isn’t excrutiating (although a good epidural can work wonders), it just means the payoff is really great, your very own personal baby. :) I don’t think you get anything back for getting kicked in the nuts (most of the time).

        But I can settle this matter. I’ve taken care of a lot of women in labor and a lot of men and women passing kidney stones. Most women will say the stone is worse than labor, although just barely, and most men will say the stone is the worst pain they’ve ever experienced (although I haven’t specifically asked them about when they’ve been kicked in the balls). Therefore, stone pain trumps all, and babies are worse than balls. :)



        • Butcher's Dog
          July 28, 2012 11:36 am

          I’m with Amanda here. I’ve had two of the three…stones and nut shots. Even my mother, standing beside the hospital bed during the stone incident, said she’d heard the pain was worse than childbirth. By the way, the spinal they gave me before the roto-rooter for the stones (only to learn they’d been passed anyway) grazed a nerve which sent a shock from one ball clear to the arch of my foot on that side. No fun in any case.



  3. MissChris
    July 26, 2012 10:55 am

    In my opinion, kidney stones were more painful than childbirth.



  4. AngryMongo
    July 26, 2012 11:02 am

    Maybe, in a few years, Horse will have his own show… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wAg1r6zw7Bg

    Yeah, my wife and I have had the same argument…

    But I’ll go one further. Most guys will attest that getting full on kicked in the “huevos” is nothing compared to a “ball tap” That is like birthing full grown Casey Hampton at the start of training camp.



  5. Mimi
    July 26, 2012 11:16 am

    I have only caught bits and pieces of America’s Got Talent, but I did see the guy with the theater-sized harp, or whatever he calls it, and how completely AMAZING he was, and how he was followed up by Horse, who apparently has not one, but TWO talents: getting kicked in the nads repeatedly and defying medical odds to father children (because he gets kicked in the nads repeatedly). So glad to read that Horse has been sent back to the stable.



  6. Cassie
    July 26, 2012 12:32 pm

    When I was at the beach, this poor kid, had to be at least 15, got his balls smacked by a wave and he was flopping on the surf like a fish. His mom just sat there staring at him. The kid tried to stand, then fell, tried again, fell again. I looked back between the mom and the kid until I finally got up, walked up to the kid and said, “I understand this is a sensitive injury, but let me help you walk back to your mom.”

    He was appreciative and his mom was, too, but I wanted to ask her, “Um, why didn’t you help him?”

    But yah, child birth is painful. Word.



  7. red pen mama
    July 26, 2012 12:36 pm

    While bucdaddy has a point about short-term memory loss or repression vis-a-vis labor, at least afterwards you get a baby to take home (the majority of the time). Which is certainly not something you can say about getting a shot to the twig-and-berries (mostly berries). Also: guys are wimps about pain, and if they had to do the birthing, the human race would’ve ended way before blogs existed to have this kind of discussion.



  8. Monty
    July 26, 2012 12:51 pm

    My guess is that the women win this one, largely because:

    1. My wife has never bought me a new watch or earrings following a nut shot, and

    2. I’d rather get kicked in the balls than crap out a 7 lb watermelon (which is the best parallel I can think of to pushing out a baby).

    That said, it was a real pain in the ass to have to stand by the delivery bed for several hours while my wife got to sit the entire time.



  9. Ginny's Dad
    July 26, 2012 1:34 pm

    The guys are not going to like me for this, but I have to agree with Red Pen Mama. If men had to give birth, it would be the first and last one. But I believe God created women with a special ability to tolerate pain, especially in childbirth. I think men tolerate pain pretty well in most parts of their bodies, but when it affects the “family jewels” we can’t compete with the women. Just my humble opinion … no scientific facts to support it.



  10. JoelWeasley
    July 26, 2012 3:23 pm

    I think what women don’t understand is the stinging lingering pain that comes from damaging the huevos They can be sensitive for days after the smack/kick/tap. You can always notice when a guy have been recently hurt in his “neuters” as my 13-year-old brother refers to them.

    While a woman gives birth maybe on average 3 times in her lifetime, a fella can get a swift kick to the balls frequently, depending on how large of a douchebag he is and how many women (sorry gals you’re usually doing the damage) he’s wronged.

    Not to mention, as bucdaddy pointed out, it’s a public pain then for everyone to witness. You can’t write it off as a stomach cramp or something because everyone just saw you get headbutted in your balls by that toddler as he ran full force towards the train at Idlewild Park which you happen to be driving.

    No matter what they say, those denim overalls did nothing to protect the boys.



  11. BeckyS
    July 26, 2012 5:41 pm

    Birthing the baby is definitely worse but the pain is worth the gain! Junk abuse? There is no reward.