I know you don’t watch America’s Got Talent because it’s not exactly “quality” television unless you think trying to figure out what the hell Nick Cannon is thinking when he chooses his pants is “quality” TV.
But my husband LOVES the show so I tolerate it with him. There was a contestant in the top 48 named Horse and Horse’s “talent” was getting violently smashed, bashed, kicked, and punched in the huevos. The balls. The nuts. The junk.
He did this without wearing a cup and he called it his superpower and Howard Stern just thought it was the best thing that ever happened ever in America ever ever.
As we watched what would be Horse’s final performance because the good voting people of America realized that getting smashed in the junk repeatedly is not really talent, my husband cringed and groaned and grabbed his own personal huevos in sympathy pain.
Me: “How bad does it REALLY hurt to get kicked there?”
Him: “Bad. BAD. So bad. SO SO SO BAD. Oh, so bad. Makes you want to puke.”
Me: “Give me something to compare it to. Like another pain. Is it like breaking a bone?”
Him: “Worse than childbirth.”
Me: “YOU’VE NEVER BIRTHED A CHILD.”
Him: “Okay. Have you ever had a pain so bad that it just knocks you to your knees?”
Me: [blink] [blink] “I BIRTHED A CHILD.”
Him: “I still don’t think it’s as bad as getting kicked in the balls.”
Me: “Do you not remember that the epidural didn’t work? Do you not remember me screaming so loud that the nurses thought I was possessed? Do you not remember me saying the F word to the nurses’ faces and MEANING IT? Do you not remember me dry-heaving over and over again? Do you not remember me throwing medical supplies to the floor in blinding pain? Do you not remember ME STANDING IN THAT DELIVERY ROOM PUNCHING YOU OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR GETTING ME PREGNANT AND MAKING ME GO THROUGH THAT?!”
Him: [blink] “Okay. Maybe they’re comparable.”
Me: “You can say that if you ever grow a uterus and birth a baby. No way is getting kicked in the balls worse.”
Him: “You can say that if you ever GROW BALLS AND HAVE THEM KICKED.”
Me: “Say ‘focus’ for me.”
So there is really no way to know which is the worse pain, birthing a 8 lb. 6 oz. baby without an epidural or getting kicked in the nuts.
But it’s the baby. My God, trust me, it’s the baby.