There are several reactions you can have to your fourteen-year-old son stealing a Jeep from a driveway, taking it for a joyride, being pursued by police, and flipping the Jeep on the Parkway East, totaling it. The Jeep. Not the Parkway East.
I’d like to total the Parkway East. And the tunnel. And the mountain through which the tunnel runs. And replace it all with a 12-lane highway with a speed limit of 105 mph.
Why am I not yet mayor? Or the head of the URA? Or PennDot? Or America?
Where were we?
a. Anger at your son.
b. Biblical anger at your son manifest in the very bats of hell flying out of your mouth as you scream with such rage, the temperature in your house rises ten degrees and Voldemort is all, “Chill pill!”
c. Anger at the jerk who dared leave a Jeep around to be stolen by your son.
If you chose C, congratulations! You’re the next Annoying Burgher!
What? You don’t think any parent in their right mind would choose C? Think again!
“It was an opportunity that, in a 14-year-old’s eyes, was at the perfect time and at the perfect moment,” said the boy’s mother.
The boy’s mother said she’s not letting her son off the hook, but feels the owner of the vehicle should have been more responsible.
“I’m not downplaying my son’s role in taking something that didn’t belong to him, but I am saying they actually left their keys in the car and the vehicle could have been taken by anybody,” she said.
She said she also blames the Jeep owner’s boyfriend for following her son and calling police.
“He had no right to chase my son, which it could have been a situation. Maybe it could have been just a joyride down the street. Maybe he wanted to go farther than he felt like walking,” she said.
I … I don’t even know where to begin. I’ll start by picking the brain matter off of my monitor because my head just exploded.
First, he didn’t just “take something that didn’t belong to him.” He didn’t walk out of CVS with a Snickers bar he didn’t pay for. He didn’t take a bicycle from the neighbor’s porch. HE STOLE A CAR. A CAR. He is 14! He shouldn’t even be driving! And he stole a car! And led police on a high-speed chase! IN A CAR. So that right there is the pesky “downplaying” you just said you weren’t doing. Play down, playa.
Second, yes, she left her keys in her purse to run inside quickly. But the vehicle wasn’t “taken by anybody.” It was taken by your FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD SON! A THIEF! WHO STOLE A CAR!
And the car owner’s boyfriend? Had no right to chase your son and call the police? He should have instead said, “Well, let me just stand here and watch this kid drive away in my girlfriend’s Jeep because maybe he just needs to head a mile up to the CVS to buy some milk and it’s just too far to walk, and maybe he’ll bring the car right back as soon as he’s done with his shopping. Under no circumstances should I call the police and report that A FOURTEEN-YEAR-OLD KID JUST STOLE A CAR.”
Because God forbid kids these days do any sort of walking to a destination further away than their desired walking distance when there’s a perfectly good car that can be stolen. God forbid you place 100% of the blame on your son for STEALING A CAR. God forbid you hold him accountable for his crime.
So what should you say to the news media when they ask you about your14-year-old son stealing a car?
It’s a trick question! You shouldn’t be physically able to say anything on account of all THE HELL-BATS FLYING OUT OF YOUR MOUTH.
You’re the next Annoying Burgher and your crown is in the mail and by “crown” I mean this gif: