Monthly Archives: August 2012

Random n’at

1. I watched only some of yesterday’s Steelers game because I have never cared much about preseason football. Many of you have asked me about What They’re Really Thinking in light of my scaled back blogging as of late and while I don’t know if I’ll write one for EVERY game, I’ll certainly write them for as many games as possible.

Just not preseason games.

2. WPXI’s Rob Johnston fronts The Switch Kids and their new song is catchy as hell.

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You’re singing it in your head now aren’t you?

It’s better than having Onward Christian Soldiers stuck in your head like I did last week. I blame my sister. And alcohol.

3. New Raise the Jolly Roger shirt over at the Fresh Factory!

And the Jagoffs Make Me Stabby and I Brake for Tunnels shirts are back in stock too! The proceeds from the sales of those two shirts go to Genre’s Kids With Cancer Fund. 

4. 24-year-old IUP grad and current Pittsburgh resident Joe has a great Kickstarter project up to help him raise the funds to publish his first children’s book which he has begun illustrating in beautiful fashion.

Check it out here and throw him a few dollars if you can.

5. When you’re accused of killing a dog by slamming it against a car and then reaching in the car to choke the dog’s owner, there are some things that you shouldn’t say to the media:

“I ain’t killed nothing, I ain’t killed nothing man,” he said. 

You shouldn’t say this because it is the worst kind of double negative. It’s the double negative that uses a non-word.

You should also not say this:

“I mean, like, why are they making a big issue of this?” Graham said. “Here he is a police officer killed a dog, and now they’re trying to make an example out of me because I’m black?”

You should not say this because you basically just admitted to killing the dog you moments ago denied killing by using a non-word double negative.

So much to [facepalm], I don’t know where to start.

6. “Ten Things You Probably Don’t Know About Pittsburgh” is my column for the City Guide over at Pittsburgh Magazine. Some of them you guys probably know because I’ve discussed them on my blog. They are about the following:

  • Andrew Carnegie’s height.
  • Mister Rogers’ name.
  • Roberto Cemente’s wife.
  • The Aviary’s hauntings.
  • AIP’s famous grads.
  • The Rooney’s Steelers sale.
  • The EZ Moves invention.
  • The inclines’ speeds.
  • Kennywood’s name.
  • The Racer track.

Go have a read!

7. If you’re a fan of baseball’s Sean Casey, you’ll want to read about what I discovered he’s been doing on a volunteer basis over at the Light of Life mission on the North Side. 

What an Awesome Burgher.

8. Pro tip: If you’re being robbed and the robbers tell you that you’re starring in a new reality show called “You’ve Been Robbed” … you’ve been robbed.

Related, I’m going to start punting pigeons and telling them, “It’s okay! You’re starring in a new reality show called ‘You’ve Been Punted!'”

9. I have no idea why this is news, but awwwwwwwwww.

Also, here’s hoping my 15-minutes-of-fame never includes me being on the local news with the words “Found baby squirrel” displayed under my name.

I’d much prefer it be something like “David Conrad’s best friend” or “Rocks her Hittsburgh gear to the fullest.”

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Dennis. Not a menace. Yet.

This is Dennis, the new Montanez family pet and yes, I’m going to keep that picture up there until I write a new post and you’re going to probably get all [shudder] about that and I’m going to be all MWAH-HAHAHAH about that.

Dennis gave me heebie jeebies the entire first week he lived in the house. I’d obsessively check his terrarium to be certain he couldn’t lift the lid off and scurry away in the cover of night to crawl up on my sleeping person and into my ear canal where he would lay eggs (dare you to click that). My husband is convinced Dennis is a female. I don’t know how he could know that. Maybe Dennis got bitchy with him and then refused to tell him what was wrong, instead answering with the dreaded, “I’m fine,” or the even worse, “I’m going to my mother’s.”

When we first got Dennis, the lady at Petco said, “And be sure to latch the lid because they often crawl up the glass–” and I said, “HE CAN CRAWL UP THE GLASS?!” The Petco lady looked at me like a tarantula just crawled out of my ear.  My husband said, “Did you not get the Spiderman movies at all?”

I had nightmares about Dennis regularly. Dennis escaping. Dennis crawling up my chest like that episode of the Brady Bunch where they go to Hawaii and a tarantula crawls on Peter’s chest. That’s all I remember about that episode. The tarantula. And the screaming. Oh god, the screaming.

I gave myself several feet of leeway around the terrarium every time I entered my son’s room to clean. His room would be spotless except for a three-foot radius around the tank. A rat could have made himself a nest in that three-foot radius and I’d have been all, “Well, maybe we’ll luck out and Dennis will eat the rat. Otherwise, welcome to your new home, rat.”

I couldn’t make direct eyes-contact with Dennis. I only looked NEAR Dennis. To his left. To his right. Over his shoulder. At his feet. Looking Dennis in one of his eight eyes meant Dennis would see my fear and find a way to burst through the glass of the terrarium and eat my face off like he was on bath salts.

I couldn’t be in the room during feeding time. Dennis likes to stalk the crickets. Lets them get away at first to give them tiny cricket hope, and then when the cricket says to itself, “Whew. I think I lost him,” Dennis leaps across the tank with the element of surprise and the cricket looks up and is like, “Motherf–“.

Dennis is an asshole to the crickets.

Now that it has been two weeks and forty shots of tequila, I kinda like the little guy. He’s cute. Fuzzy. I care that he has the right humidity in his tank and so if it gets low, I give his tank a little squirt of water and Dennis comes out of his log to feel the rain and he smiles at me … his Goddess That Brings the Rain.

I check on him each night, not to make sure he hasn’t escaped, but to make sure he seems healthy and happy. AND to make sure he hasn’t escaped.

I remind my son to feed him because I don’t want Dennis to be hungry.

I no longer run from the room when Dennis decides to do something terrifying, like move one of his legs.

I’m not completely over my fear of him though because yesterday I went to check on him and when I walked in the room, there resting on the carpeted floor in front of his terrarium was a giant rubber spider my daughter had left there and I thought Dennis had escaped and that he was lying in wait for me so that he could leap up and eat my face off. I screamed and I did not stop shaking for a good thirty minutes and then I was like, “I’m going to my mother’s.”

I still haven’t looked him in the eyes. Or the mouth. [shudder]

And God help me when he molts. (I double dare you to click that link.)

Because there will be screaming.

Oh, God. the screaming.

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Some new Pittsburgh shirts!

That are THE shit.

1. I am SO over those “Keep Calm and…” posters and stuff, but this is one I can really get behind:

Especially since they tore away the roof of the Squirrel Hill inbound side and everyone is slowing down to look at it like they’re on a leisurely safari through Africa. “Ooooh. Look at that. Let me stop and take a picture and then maybe we can rest for a spell and have a picnic lunch!”


2. This one is a take on the Zoltan sign, but it benefits the Animal Rescue League:

Not going to lie. I’ve been practicing the Zoltan because I am deathly afraid of somehow making an S instead of a Z.


3. Yeah. I’m going to need this:

4. And this:

 5. And don’t forget this one, which benefits Genre’s Kids with Cancer Fund!

I sure hope David Shribman is okay with being my spokesmodel.

It’s for sick kids!

Anyway, seeing all these shirts got me wondering if there’s an AJ Burnett shirt I don’t know about, so I Googled “AJ Burnett shirt” and this is the picture that popped up.

Dude stole the outfit I had planned for the next game!

I wonder if this Sharpie’d “We Are Family” will ever come off of my chest.

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