The finalists

I cannot decide, Internet. I’ve narrowed it down to these:

Finalist #1: Katy

When I was 8+ months pregnant with my first son, I rode the bus to Pitt’s campus in my very best maternity dress. I walked 2 blocks down 5th Ave, strutted across the Cathedral lawn full of undergrads, rode the elevator to the 5th floor, and was halfway to my office before a timid undergrad informed me that the back of my dress was tucked into my enormous maternity underwear.

Why I picked it: Do you have any idea how large an ass gets when that ass is eight months pregnant? If I showed the world my butt in maternity underwear at eight months pregnant, I would have ran to the end of the Earth and flung myself over it.

Finalist #2: Magnus Patris —

I was on Carson Street last Saturday trying to look as cool as a balding 48 year old balding fat guy could while wearing his stylish Harbor Bay shorts when I heard a voice yell out from a passing car, “Sir, you have a huge wedgie!” Welcome to my world.

Why I picked it: Because that’s just hysterical. The next time I get into an argument with someone and I can’t think of a witty comeback, I’m just going to shout, “Sir, you have a huge wedgie!”

Also, gotta love Magnus’ other entry about the snot on the inside of the windshield. 

Finalist #3: Pa-Pop — 

My embarrassing moment: Thirty years ago I was working a weekend shift at a small radio station in the Finger Lakes region of New York, WECQ in Geneva. It was Labor Day weekend and there was not a lot of news to report, it was all “rip and read” from the clackity-clacking United Press teletype wire.

Being the consummate professional announcer that I was, I never pre-read my copy. You could give it to me cold and always count on me to nail it. So with that kind of misguided confidence, I proceeded to read my first international headline. It was about a group of terrorists who had hijacked an airport shuttle bus in London. The last sentence was supposed to have said “Witnesses reported that one of the gunmen blew himself up.”

Except they left out the word “up.”

I am nothing if not the master of the ad-lib. Sharp enough to recognize something was missing from the news copy, I substituted a short phrase. Instead of saying “up” I said “… um, to death.”

Not coincidentally that was the last time I was ever paid to be on the air.

Why I picked it: Blew himself … to death.

Rolling on the floor laughing over here, Internet.

Finalist #4: Margaret —

I was at my cousin’s son’s first holy communion party at her house. All the extended family and friends were there. After eating, I suddenly urgently had to go to the bathroom. I had to wait a few minutes because the bathroom was occupied. By the time it opened up I really had to go. I went in and let loose. And it stunk. Really bad. I looked for a vent fan switch, but there wasn’t one. The bathroom was smack in the center of the house, no windows to open. I hear a knock on the door. ‘Just a minute!’ I panic. This room needs to be fumigated!! What did I eat? I realize that there might be a room freshening spray in the medicine cabinet, so I grab the side of the mirror and pull. But it was just a mirror, no medicine cabinet. The force of my panicked yank noisily pulled the mirror right off the wall with a huge clatter as it fell into the sink, leaving a gaping hole in the drywall & breaking my cousin’s new soap dispenser that she had earlier shown off because she was so happy to have found a dispenser that exactly matched her wallpaper boarder. How to recover?? I somehow shoved the mirror hardware into the scarred wall and re-hung the mirror, but it dropped at an angle. The soap dispenser was history, so I had to explain that somehow. I reluctantly opened the bathroom door to face a line of people who needed to pee. I just ducked my head and ran out of there, my stinky fumes finally released to the horror of the guests. Later I told my cousin that I noticed that her mirror was crooked so I tried to adjust it but it had somehow fallen off the wall and broke the dispenser. I think she knew my story was fishy. I hope she doesn’t read this blog!! And ‘Margaret’ is not my real name.

Why I picked it: Just the idea of ripping someone’s mirror off of their bathroom wall … the HORROR. As Ace Ventura once said upon exiting the restroom, “Do NOT go in there.”

Finalist #5: Pittsburgh Pita —

This story will always haunt me, but I learned a very important life lesson… I never use the work retarded – ever – even as some say “innocently”

I was in college and had worked with Circle K (Kiwanis college volunteering club) and the Special Olympics for 3 years. My senior year I was college chairman of the track and field event. Everything had started off great, I was so proud, and then just as the college president was coming over to welcome everyone I dropped the microphone. So I bend over to pick it up, and say off-handedly, into the MICROPHONE… “why am I so retarded??” Into a microphone. At a Special Olympics event. I wanted to die. I just left. I handed him the microphone and left.

Other friends told me later that parents came up to them and told me not to worry. That they knew my background and knew I would never use the word in a derogatory fashion, but it never made me feel better. I still cringe even thinking about it.

Why I picked it: Dear. God.

Finalist #6: Emme Kay: 

I once went out for dinner with That Annoying Friend. Everyone has a TAF, right? That person who annoys everyone and can’t take a hint but you’re too nice to say no to? Well, we went to a tiny Japanese restaurant on a 100+ degree day in Australia. No airconditioning. Even better, communal tables so you sit crammed in with strangers. Mid-meal, I passed out from the heat… and face-planted into my sushi. The nice woman next to me (didn’t know her) apparently grabbed me, got me head out of my food, moved my food down the table, and then splashed her drinking water on my face to wake me up. I came to to find the whole place staring at me and my table freaking out (also with food stuck to my face). And then… I threw up, my default reaction after passing out. I realized I was going to barf all over the table, so I grabbed the only thing within reach to throw up into- which happened to be my friend’s bowl of noodles. That’s right. I passed out into my food and then threw up on my friend’s food. He got me out of there and home to my fiance, but he never contacted me again. To this day my friends tease me that I am the only person to manage to drive TAF away. He won’t even show if he knows I’m going to be there.

Why I picked it: Passed out in her food and then threw up in her friend’s bowl of noodles. I’m surprised she didn’t take a poop in the water glasses.

You guys, I love you for sharing these amazing stories. All of them in the comments were fantastic, from the photographer who tripped in front of Amy Grant to the woman who fell in front of Bill Clinton to all the ladies who strutted their stuff with their skirts tucked safely up in their pantyhose and to all the men (and some women) who stunk up the bathrooms to high heaven.

Group hug.

Now, tell me in the comments, which one do you think is the best, most embarrassing moment?


  1. James
    September 7, 2012 12:26 am

    pittsburg pita

  2. Dave
    September 7, 2012 12:28 am

    #5 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    all i can say O.M.G.

  3. Sue
    September 7, 2012 9:30 am

    #4. Stink that won’t leave, broken soap dispenser AND knocking things off the wall. Just one of those would be bad enough, but all of that happening at once? Yikes!

  4. Elaine
    September 7, 2012 9:47 am


  5. Lindsay
    September 7, 2012 10:47 am

    How can “Margaret” NOT win?!?!

  6. SK
    September 7, 2012 11:30 am

    As much as the visual of a self-described balding fat guy rocking a Harbor Bay wedgie made me snort, I’m going to have to say that Margaret’s was truly the most embarrassing. If I was in that situation I think I’d actually want to die just to avoid explaining things.

  7. Pa-pop
    September 7, 2012 3:15 pm

    It was an honor just to be nominated as a finalist, but I will throw my support to “Margaret’s” story for its excellent Ben Stiller-esque quality. I’m also happy “blew himself … um, to death” continues to make people laugh and keep me humble.

  8. Emme Kay
    September 7, 2012 4:03 pm

    I’m still giggling over these. Whenever I’ve been frustrated over the past day, I just wander back and reread. Laughter does wonders. (And originally being from Western NY State, I’m now thrilled to know that at least Pa-Pop would get some of my lake effect snow and geography references. You think it’s hard being a Pirates fan? Try being a Pirates and Bills fan!)

  9. Debbie
    September 8, 2012 2:18 pm

    #4 made me almost roll off my chair laughing, with #1 coming in a close 2nd…thanks for sharing !