My sister Pens Fan went to the doctor today and was told she needs to gain weight.
So I ate a cinnamon roll this morning and told her to absorb the fat through osmosis.
I am nothing if not a giving person.
Also, I wish my doctor would tell me I need to gain weight. I’m so good at it! He’d give me an A+ for sure and would probably write a medical journal article about my superhuman ability to pack on the pounds using only Little Debbie and Starbucks.
What does that have to do with yesterday’s Steelers game? Not a damn thing. But I guess we gotta talk about the game?
I watched the game at home with my husband, who had this to say about Ben Roethlisberger on more than one occasion: “He’s such a moron.”
1. The big story was Peyton Manning. The commentary was all about Peyton Manning. Cris Collinsworth loves Peyton Manning. So does Al Michaels.
I hate Peyton Manning.
In fact, I wrote a song about him. It goes like this:
I hate Peyton Manning with the Colts.
I hate Peyton Manning with the Broncos.
I hate Peyton Manning …
Jump in when you know it.
2. Officiation (spellcheck says … NOT A WORD. Don’t care. Using it.) of yesterday’s game was brought to you by replacement refs, who seemed a bit confused at times:
3. They went so far as to let Mike Tomlin challenge a play that happened prior to a new play being run. This didn’t sit right with the Bronco’s coach who started challenging things that didn’t even happen to his team:
4. We interrupt this WTRT for the first stripey throwback sighting of the season!
5. The Steelers seemed … blah? Like blah. Nothing awesomely incredible happened. Other than Antonio Brown’s game face:
That’s the face of a man who could kill a diplodocus with his bare hands.
6. Jonathan Dwyer seemed to be the go-to rusher in Rashard’s absence, almost scoring a touchdown at one point, but it was negated because his knee was clearly down. Even Vladimir Putin was like, “Nyet!”
I guess the ball guys are on strike too?
7. The Steelers were in it right up until Ben had the game in his hands with three minutes left and I said to my husband, “This is the part in the game where Ben either throws a touchdown pass or he throws an interception. There is no middle ground.”
From my lips to the Karma Boomerang’s perfect ears (I always say the phrase “perfect ears” like Wesley in the Princess Bride.) because …
And Coach desperately tries to stop what’s happening, but not even I Dream of Jeannie can help:
8. With that interception returned for a touchdown, nothing could save us short of a miracle or a superhero.
If only, Hines. How’s retirement? Prune juice doing it for you?
But seriously, if I were a man who wore a business suit to work, I’d ONLY wear Superman undershirts. That’s just common sense.
Printer is jammed again? [Rips open shirt, popping all the buttons] I got this.
9. Again, it was all so blah. Troysus didn’t save us, nor did he damn us. Haley didn’t amaze us, nor did he greatly disappoint us. We just didn’t do enough and Peyton Manning did more, because he had something to prove.
10. Next week, we take on the Jets, again with Haley’s offense which includes a fullback which is apparently a big deal according to my husband, except I don’t know what a fullback is. Or a halfback for that matter. I assume it has something to do with … backs?