What They’re Really Thinking: GIF edition

Two of my sisters have the great misfortune of being married to men who are fans of football teams most of Pittsburgh would like to see wiped from the Earth. Tina Fey is married to a Cowboys fan and Pens Fan is married to a diehard Raiders fan, Muchacho. His iPhone cover is Raiders branded. He owns a multitude of Raiders apparel. He has Raiders ornaments on the Christmas tree and I’m pretty sure that’s an affront to the baby Jesus Himself.

If a Raiders ornament even touched my Christmas tree, I would kill it with fire.

So you can imagine how much fun yesterday was for Pens Fan and Muchacho. Wait! Have we watched Muchacho catch the only foul ball in the history of foul balls ever in all of baseball? Let’s do that first before we go any further:

 YouTube Preview Image

 Good job, Muchacho. Next on your list … a cure for cancer.

Muchacho does this thing that’s just super annoying and I think I’ve told you about this before. It’s the Loud Clap. He does it whenever something good happens to any other team and something bad happens to the Steelers.

It’s deafening and it’s slow and deliberate and it’s like a golf clap took horse steroids and it’s meant to just be all up in your face like a clap has no business being. This is what it looks like.

It sounds like bombs going off in Beirut. It’s enough to make a girl turn her hearing aids off.

We heard a lot of that clap during yesterday’s loss to the Raiders. Did I just type that? Excuse me.

Yeah, we lost to the Raiders. Let’s discuss?

1.The game started out fine enough, especially when we got to see Shaun Suisham make a tackle.

This was me:

2. Our running game just sucked every donkey omelet on the planet yesterday and then they went to Mars and sucked all of their donkey omelets. Just over 50 yards in rushing total? Is this the Haley era?

And Jonathan Dwyer lost a fumble, probably because the ball was not sticking around for that shit:

This was me:

But with more cowbell.

3. Antonio Brown, who I noticed has hazel eyes and I wonder if they are contacts iloveyouwillyoumarryme, fumbled twice. Once in the end zone, which he was lucky enough to miraculously recover:

Step off, pigskin, because my sister Pens Fan already self-united to Antonio Brown because when Antonio fumbled again and didn’t recover it, her husband Muchacho was like this:

And she’s thinking about divorcing him and staying imaginary-married to Antonio and his hazel eyes.

4. I can’t really say anything bad about the Duke of Fug. He threw four touchdowns and that should have been enough to win the game had our defense stepped up in James’ and Troysus’ absence. God I hope I got the apostrophication right on that. God I hope apostrophication is word.

Speaking of the defense, Cabbage Patch Doll Baby Cici Donna Casey Hampton might have seen Jesus:

RIP Casey. May your heaven be filled with fluffernutter-flavored belly button lint.

5. We interrupt this WTRT to ask, “What in the hell is this?”

6. The penalties kind of killed us. Brett Keisel’s crucial fourth-quarter penalty and Antonio also ran in a punt return for a touchdown that was negated by penalties and this was Muchacho:

This was Pens Fan:

This was their divorce lawyer:

7. It was up and down and up and down and I couldn’t believe the Raiders were hanging in there with us. I mean, the Raiders! I bet people write that about the Pirates all the time. Heath and Mike Wallace were spectacular. Benny was hitting numbers and scrambling and being Benny. And up and down and back and forth and the score is just too damn close and I’m stress-eating like this.

You think I’m joking but there is wing sauce up my nasal cavity that proves otherwise.

8. Late in the 4th quarter, Tomlin decides to go for it on the fourth down but not before one last look at his balls:

It worked. There is celebrating and whooping and this is Steeler Nation

But that drive fizzles out. The Raiders have the ball and they are just freaking marching down the field as the clock ticks down and I am literally saying again and again, “I can’t believe this is the Raiders.”

It all comes down to this. A field goal. And not a rather long field goal.

We are crazy-rocking and biting our nails and stress-eating wings like Oprah when …

I kid. Where is Batman when you need him because Janikawhatever nails that bitch and the clock strikes zero and I am all:

While Muchacho is all:

And Pens Fan is all:

And Steeler Nation realizes we are 1-2 because we lost to the Raiders and Carson Palmer:

I’m horrified too. I’m ill. I’ve been sneezing out chicken wing sauce for a day.

Next week we take on the Eagles and I think you know how I feel about the Eagles:

May God have mercy on their souls.





22 Comments

  1. Goob
    September 25, 2012 7:49 am

    Are you familiar with the work of Jan Švankmajer?

    Jan Švankmajer is a Czech animator and filmmaker. Among other things, he made an excellent version of Alice in Wonderland that was largely animated with raw meat.

    Thought I might mention that.



  2. philmatt24
    September 25, 2012 8:30 am

    Two things:

    1) While Mike Wallace was pretty good, he did fumble and got hella lucky to get it back.

    2) While I am a proponent of never punting unless it’s fourth-and-at-least-7, that steel-balled conversion also showed that Tomlin had no faith in his defense. Justifiably so, because they were horrific once the drive fizzled, and all game before that.

    That is all.



  3. rose
    September 25, 2012 9:24 am

    this is awesome, although the animation is giving me seizures. ;)



  4. bluzdude
    September 25, 2012 9:39 am

    This whole post is good and all, but I’m strangely fascinated by that last gif. I mean, why does the guy take off his shirt before cracking the guy behind him? Is it that he’s wearing his best plain white t-shirt? And is that why they’re worn so big, so they can be yanked off in a split second.

    Perhaps if someone invents a reliable way to get blood out of a white t-shirt, that whole move will become unnecessary, thus saving valuable time for our nations punks.



    • Dave
      September 26, 2012 3:20 pm

      Dude I thought the same thing. I’ve seen the random you tube fight where both noble knights remove thine wife beaters to prevent unneccesary soiling of said white shirts. I have never seen the bitch a** smack down preceded with a single removal of said white shirt. It couldn’t have been his first time either because it was an instinctual reaction. Maybe he evolved that way?



    • Virginia
      September 26, 2012 3:28 pm

      This comment killed me, Bluz. You win!



  5. red pen mama
    September 25, 2012 10:46 am

    I will be directing my husband to your sight shortly because you have brilliantly captured all the emotions he had during that game (including that balls of steel comment), and then was SO PISSED he spent 4 freaking hours watching that game when he should have been mopping my damn kitchen floor.

    I may have digressed right there.

    Thanks, as always, for the LOLz.



  6. Erin
    September 25, 2012 10:47 am

    That was comedic genius; thank you.
    Antonio Brown’s kids go to the same day care as my son. I am so hoping I see him carrying one of them this week so I can be all, “Don’t drop her!!”



  7. bucdaddy
    September 25, 2012 11:03 am

    SteelerS Nation.

    Unless you only mean one Steeler.



  8. Dweber77
    September 25, 2012 12:44 pm

    Well it could be worse, I am sure the Green Bay fans feel a lot worse than we do right now. I’m going to boil all of this down to lousy officiating. My wife and I were calling more penalties than the replacement refs were. I hate to say this, but I want Hochuli back.



  9. facie
    September 25, 2012 1:24 pm

    I am not sure how a marriage survives when sport allegiances diverge. It could be worse though; your BILs could like the Patsies or Ravens.

    I think Suisham’s tackle was one of the few bright spots of special teams. I could find almost no bright spots with the running game/OL and defense. Big Ben and Heath can share the game ball in my world.



  10. Vivian
    September 25, 2012 3:01 pm

    I was about to send out an APB on you.



  11. Vivian
    September 25, 2012 3:13 pm

    Casey is useless. I saw an opportunity for him to run and get a sack but his fat behind just didn’t move fast enough. Ugh!!!



  12. tw
    September 25, 2012 6:27 pm

    Oh my goodness… too funny Ginny!!!!



  13. Amy
    September 26, 2012 8:16 am

    Okay, you officially have the best .gif’s. The ones from Psych and the IT Crowd made my day even though the results of the game did not.



  14. Butcher's Dog
    September 26, 2012 1:47 pm

    When a word/name ends in one “s”, the possessive is “s’s”. So it would be “James’s”, for instance. Not to, you know, go all English teacher here or anything.

    Believe it or not, I watched the last half of the game on Prince Edward Island via Canada’s Sportsnet/Pacific channel on a satellite. Didn’t make the ending any easier to take.

    Also, seriously? Your sisters couldn’t fall in love with black-n-gold wearers? Or at least someone trainable? Trainable would work, I think. Shows the decline of Western Civilization here near the end of the Mayan Calendar.

    Finally, rpm…if it would have taken four hours to mop your kitchen floor, you have far too large living space. Just sayin’.



  15. Butcher's Dog
    September 26, 2012 4:55 pm

    And, technically, next week is a bye. The Eagles are the week after that.



  16. Renee
    September 26, 2012 9:26 pm

    Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but Antonio and his hazel eyes and his amazing smile are already spoken for.



  17. Lisa
    September 27, 2012 10:28 am

    I am not usually a “laugh out loud” sort of person, but this post seriously had me chuckling the entire read. I don’t know how you come up with this stuff, but it is epically hilarious. Makes swallowing a tough loss a little easier.