What They’re Really Thinking: Fresh Hell Edition

RUN, PIGGY! RUNNNNNN!

You there. With the face.

Are you blaming Shaun Suisham? Have you said to yourself something like “stupid Shaun Swissmiss?”

Have you put any substantial weight for that loss on Shaun Suisham’s up-until-last-night-perfect shoulders?

(And now I’ve said that in my head with an English accent and went straight to my Princess Bride happy place where Westly is all, “… will echo in your pehr-fehct eee-ahs.”)

Did you say, “Man, bet Jeff Reed would’ve nailed that?”

Well, you stop it. Right now, you stop it.

The only thing Jeff Reed would have nailed yesterday would have been the slut with Jeff’s face tramp-stamped on her lower back, which would have gone along nicely with the picture of boobs Jeff probably has tramp-stamped on his.

1. If however, after the blocked punt that eventually led to a Titan touchdown you said, “Man. Bet Daniel Sepulveda never would have let that happen,” then to you I say, “That’s freaking church.”

First, it wouldn’t have been blocked.

Second, if by some power of Satan and a legion of pigeons it was blocked, Daniel would have DESTROYED the Titan who attempted to retrieve it, grabbed the ball from the ground, and wailed that mother to the end zone 98-yards away where Mike Wallace was, by some football miracle, standing there wide open, and that touchdown, that one right there and ONLY that one right there? Would have been worth 13 points.

What?

YOU shut up.

2. I need to calm down. Let’s look at something beautiful.

Soothe me, Ed.

3. Ike Taylor enrages me sometimes. Like, real rage. Like choke a bitch rage.

First, when he successfully defends a pass near the end zone, why does he then get in the Titan’s face and knock helmets with him? Does he realize this is not MMA? That he’s not going in for the lights-out, Chuck Lidell punch?

I don’t care what that Titan said about “yo mama” or “yo sister” or hell, even Myron Cope. You shut up and get back to your team and stop taking the stupid, stupid penalties, you sack of –

I need to calm down again. Hang on.

All better. Thanks, Ed.

Probably I shouldn’t call Ike Taylor a sack of shit.

WHOOPS!

4. The big story of this game, other than the fact that we lost to the Titans (PUKE!), is the injuries. Everyone got injured yesterday.

Maurkice on the first play. Rashard who knows when. And down they went like toy soldiers being trampled upon by a T-Rex. It got so bad at one point that Ed Hochuli invoked the pee-wee football rules for borrowing players:

5. The Duke of Fug had a pretty good game, with over 300-yards passing, a beautiful long bomb to the waiting hands of Mike Wallace who suddenly remembered he could catch long balls, and the surpassing of Terry Bradshaw for the most yards thrown by a Steelers quarterback over the course of their time with the team.

But all of that of course overshadowed by the fact that we lost. To the Titans. By a field goal.

PUKE.

6. We interrupt this WTRT to say, “This is what football in hell looks like.”

7. With all of our running backs out, Baron Batch got his chance to shine, finally. And he didn’t disappoint.

Do you know how much it takes for me to unfollow a Steeler on Twitter? But being a jerk to pretty much everyone that dares disagree with you and then telling an overweight fan to start working out will pretty much do it.

8. We interrupt this WTRT for an angry bird.

9. So we lost a lot of players, our defense shit the bed like a diaperless newborn, Coach Haley wants to make love to the bubble screen, and the Steelers are faced with a Shaun Suisam 54-yard field goal attempt to win the game. He nailed a 52-yarder earlier in the game.

But 52 yards is less than 54 yards.

Suisham lines up.

I freak out a little and quickly look at a photo of Ed Hochuli to calm me down:

Steeler Nation tenses:

And he misses it. STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Could not have been straighter. But just a bit short.

And there’s less than a minute on the clock and that’s all the time Tennessee needs to destroy our defense, march down the field and line THEIR kicker up for a 40-yard field goal.

40 is less than 54.

By a lot.

He kicks.

All of Steeler Nation invokes juju and spells and evil eyes and eyes of newts (newti?) and they pray to all of their gods and …

 

Sigh. We’re 2-3 now and no amount of gazing at Ed Hochuli is going to make that feel any better.

Our defense is injured and miserable.

Our offensive line is just decimated.

Ike Taylor is a giant sack of turds.

And we’ve just completed the EASY part of our schedule.

The line for flinging yourself from the Rachel Carson bridge forms here.





18 Comments

  1. Nice Hair Dan
    October 12, 2012 11:25 am

    Hey…Sean Lee from the Cowboys called…”you bitches passed up on ME !?!?!??!”…bwahahahahhaaaaaa

    Stillers…LMAO



  2. PeteMan
    October 12, 2012 11:36 am

    I agree with you. Nothing but love for Suisham for nailing a 52-yarder. I blame the anemic offense for not getting him any closer than 54 yards away WHEN THE GAME WAS ON THE LINE.



  3. ClumberKim
    October 12, 2012 11:41 am

    I love Ed. And his pink whistle.



  4. Dawn
    October 12, 2012 11:44 am

    All WTRT should include this many pictures of Ed. And after reading the Sports Illustrated article about him, I now want to see him in a fancy lawyer suit……



  5. Brittania
    October 12, 2012 11:44 am

    Thanks for calling out B.Batch. I wanted to like him so much, but he is a giant douche on Twitter!! I couldn’t believe that I had to unfollow a Steeler…



  6. Washpa
    October 12, 2012 11:48 am

    Definition of ‘Swaggin’ has now become: Grab the receiver and hold on for dear life.



  7. Youngstown Norm fka Pa-pop
    October 12, 2012 11:53 am

    While you have “echoes” of Westley in your head, I’m hearing Bill Cowher say, “We’re not a very good football team right now.”



  8. Inkognegro
    October 12, 2012 11:58 am

    I enjoyed the post. Steelergurl lured me over here.

    Nighttime Road games, Thursday Night Road games in particular are despicable things to behold.

    This team IS what it is…Not good enough to win on the road when it isn’t fully armed. EVERY road game will be a struggle this year. EVERY.SINGLE.ONE.

    I was praying to ease out of this place with a W. that prayer wasn’t answered. another Road Night game beckons. This one can’t get away.



  9. facie
    October 12, 2012 12:09 pm

    The diehard fan in me kept pulling for the Steelers and hoping they could eek out a win until the bitter, painful end. But a little part of me thought they played so awfully that it would almost be wrong if the Titans did not take that gift-wrapped win and keep it, Steeler injuries aside.

    That is disappointing about BB. I read his blog for awhile when you first mentioned it last year, but forgot about it. Guess I may not be missing much.

    But thanks for the Ed Hochuli pics. And I kind of DO feel better now thanks to that. The little things, you know.



  10. Butcher's Dog
    October 12, 2012 12:43 pm

    Well, Baron missed the hole on the run that lost enough yards for Suisham to come up short. That was one of the few insightful observations made by a color commentator in the history of forever. And why don’t the coaches get some heat for trying to kick a 54-yarder in the first place? You’re tied, punt the damn thing into the end zone and try to play something resembling defense. I thought they were lucky to hit the 52-yarder; going two yards deeper was just messin’ with the karma gods.

    As I explained to a friend who watched the game at my house because he couldn’t get it on our Time Warner Cable system (I have Direct TV), we just saw Ike Taylor get really old right before our very eyes.



  11. Vivian
    October 12, 2012 1:18 pm

    Crying :’-(



  12. steelertom
    October 12, 2012 3:03 pm

    I thought Mendenhall was the douche on twitter? what has B Batch said on twitter? I don’t do twitter can someone enlighten me?



    • jann
      October 16, 2012 5:15 pm

      I echo that steerlertom. Thought he was an upstanding young man with a tough life. I don’t follow anyone either, so what’s the scoop?



  13. bluzdude
    October 12, 2012 5:52 pm

    Can you imagine the awesomeness that would be Ed Hochuli working the courtroom?

    Counselor Ed: So I put to you that THIS MAN [does first down signal} grabbed the defendant like THIS [gives holding signal]…”

    Jury Foreman: Excuse me, but we vote ‘guilty’ right now…



  14. bucdaddy
    October 13, 2012 11:33 am

    Steelers Nation.