RUN, PIGGY! RUNNNNNN!
You there. With the face.
Are you blaming Shaun Suisham? Have you said to yourself something like “stupid Shaun Swissmiss?”
Have you put any substantial weight for that loss on Shaun Suisham’s up-until-last-night-perfect shoulders?
(And now I’ve said that in my head with an English accent and went straight to my Princess Bride happy place where Westly is all, “… will echo in your pehr-fehct eee-ahs.”)
Did you say, “Man, bet Jeff Reed would’ve nailed that?”
Well, you stop it. Right now, you stop it.
The only thing Jeff Reed would have nailed yesterday would have been the slut with Jeff’s face tramp-stamped on her lower back, which would have gone along nicely with the picture of boobs Jeff probably has tramp-stamped on his.
1. If however, after the blocked punt that eventually led to a Titan touchdown you said, “Man. Bet Daniel Sepulveda never would have let that happen,” then to you I say, “That’s freaking church.”
First, it wouldn’t have been blocked.
Second, if by some power of Satan and a legion of pigeons it was blocked, Daniel would have DESTROYED the Titan who attempted to retrieve it, grabbed the ball from the ground, and wailed that mother to the end zone 98-yards away where Mike Wallace was, by some football miracle, standing there wide open, and that touchdown, that one right there and ONLY that one right there? Would have been worth 13 points.
YOU shut up.
2. I need to calm down. Let’s look at something beautiful.
Soothe me, Ed.
3. Ike Taylor enrages me sometimes. Like, real rage. Like choke a bitch rage.
First, when he successfully defends a pass near the end zone, why does he then get in the Titan’s face and knock helmets with him? Does he realize this is not MMA? That he’s not going in for the lights-out, Chuck Lidell punch?
I don’t care what that Titan said about “yo mama” or “yo sister” or hell, even Myron Cope. You shut up and get back to your team and stop taking the stupid, stupid penalties, you sack of —
I need to calm down again. Hang on.
All better. Thanks, Ed.
Probably I shouldn’t call Ike Taylor a sack of shit.
4. The big story of this game, other than the fact that we lost to the Titans (PUKE!), is the injuries. Everyone got injured yesterday.
Maurkice on the first play. Rashard who knows when. And down they went like toy soldiers being trampled upon by a T-Rex. It got so bad at one point that Ed Hochuli invoked the pee-wee football rules for borrowing players:
5. The Duke of Fug had a pretty good game, with over 300-yards passing, a beautiful long bomb to the waiting hands of Mike Wallace who suddenly remembered he could catch long balls, and the surpassing of Terry Bradshaw for the most yards thrown by a Steelers quarterback over the course of their time with the team.
But all of that of course overshadowed by the fact that we lost. To the Titans. By a field goal.
6. We interrupt this WTRT to say, “This is what football in hell looks like.”
7. With all of our running backs out, Baron Batch got his chance to shine, finally. And he didn’t disappoint.
Do you know how much it takes for me to unfollow a Steeler on Twitter? But being a jerk to pretty much everyone that dares disagree with you and then telling an overweight fan to start working out will pretty much do it.
8. We interrupt this WTRT for an angry bird.
9. So we lost a lot of players, our defense shit the bed like a diaperless newborn, Coach Haley wants to make love to the bubble screen, and the Steelers are faced with a Shaun Suisam 54-yard field goal attempt to win the game. He nailed a 52-yarder earlier in the game.
But 52 yards is less than 54 yards.
Suisham lines up.
I freak out a little and quickly look at a photo of Ed Hochuli to calm me down:
Steeler Nation tenses:
And he misses it. STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Could not have been straighter. But just a bit short.
And there’s less than a minute on the clock and that’s all the time Tennessee needs to destroy our defense, march down the field and line THEIR kicker up for a 40-yard field goal.
40 is less than 54.
By a lot.
All of Steeler Nation invokes juju and spells and evil eyes and eyes of newts (newti?) and they pray to all of their gods and …
Sigh. We’re 2-3 now and no amount of gazing at Ed Hochuli is going to make that feel any better.
Our defense is injured and miserable.
Our offensive line is just decimated.
Ike Taylor is a giant sack of turds.
And we’ve just completed the EASY part of our schedule.
The line for flinging yourself from the Rachel Carson bridge forms here.