Random n’at

1. I don’t know what I miss more. Troy Polamalu or Penguins hockey.

If Troysus straps on ice skates, I’d probably shoot confetti out of my ears right before I fart a rainbow.

That’s sexy.

2. If you think the rest of the world looks at wedding cookie tables the same way we do here in Pittsburgh …

Pittsburgh is the original home of the cookie table and I have done some exhaustive, factisidual, truthy research to prove just that for my latest column in Pittsburgh Magazine.

P.S. If you’re from Youngstown, don’t click on that link.  If you do? “I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Besides, I can’t take people who live in Ohio seriously.

3. If you’re shopping the Yinzer Gift Guide, we have our first official sell-out and that is the Light of Life Grace Ornament from Wendell August Forge. If you’re still hoping for a WAF ornament, this “Skating at PPG” was the first runner up:

 

4. Speaking of Christmas shopping, you’ve got to check out the new Christkindlmarket in Market Square. Adorable huts filled with handmade treasures with an Eurpoean flair. Not only that, FREE pictures with Santa in Santa’s House! If you want to make a memory, take your kids or your loved one to ice skating at PPG, then walk over to the Christkindlmarket to shop, then take your purchases and head to one of the many restaurants in Market Square to eat and warm up while watching the Market Square light show. I like Las Velas, but that’s just because I’m sleeping with the owner.

I’m such a slut.

5. Only I would go from “MAKE A BEAUTIFUL CHRISTMAS MEMORY!” to “slut.”

[takes a bow]

6. Further proof Pittsburgh is the new Hollywood, the Jack Reacher US premiere, featuring the personal attendance of none other than Tom Cruise, will be held right here in Pittsburgh, with a red carpet, paparazzi and more.

You can’t buy tickets, so your only hope is to either win them somehow or to crash the party like Snoop Mayor Ravey Rave is probably going to do. He’ll be the one photobombing Tom while clutching an autograph book.

Related: There’s a new series filming here with Chloe Sevigny. 

7. I realize they were already printed and probably at great cost and that some where distributed before the incident, but if I was running the zoo, no WAY would I mail out a calendar featuring the dogs that just three weeks ago mauled a little boy to death. 

[lobs ball over the net]

You?

8. Local blog “My Very Last Nerve” has some advice for parenting a teenager and it is hilarious:

Are you the parent of a teen? If so, you can disregard this, because you already know and are probably drunk right now. But for those of you whose little angels haven’t reached the teen years (or really, the pre-teen years – because that’s when it starts), prepare yourself.

So – you have a teen. Congratulations – you are now stupid. You are the stupidest stupidhead that ever was stupid. It’s a miracle that you have managed to keep yourself alive for 40-smrthrgfrt years as stupid as you are. No really. Stupid.

In addition to you being stupid – your teen is smart. No just smart, but all-knowing. There is nothing – NOTHING – you can tell them that they don’t already know.  Make sure you lock the door on the way out: “I know, Mom.”  Don’t forget your homework: “I know, Mom.” Your hair’s on fire: “I KNOOOOOW, Mom.” Do not – I repeat – DO NOT try to tell them anything – they already know.

Go read the rest.

I need to remember this for when my son turns 13 and I become exceptionally stupid.

9. HAHAHAHAH! HAHAHAHAHAAH!

 

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

JAG RAG!

A RAG THAT JAGOFFS WAVE!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

(h/t Charles)

10.  Just looking at this picture is making me break out in a cold sweat. 

If you don’t understand, you can vacate my lawn.

11. A local woman has agreed to pay the adoption fees, and transportation for the dog will be provided if someone chooses to adopt four-year-old Trigger who has spent three years in a shelter. 

Poor doggie.  That’s his picture up top.

12.  Pet photography benefiting Animal Friends at a special discounted rate!

13. Local organization Global Links is seeking to donate 500 filled baby bags to maternity wards in third-world countries including Haiti. Read about what they need donated and how you can help!

14. AHIAPAHL!

That’s how we’re saying it from now on.

Ahiapahl.

YouTube Preview Image

This whole episode cracked me up.  ”A few of these and I’m not gonna care WHAT color day it is.”

15. Ahiapahl.





18 Comments

  1. Gina
    November 30, 2012 11:32 am

    Aww…thanks. Also – it will start before 13. Prepare yourself.



  2. Ginny's Mom
    November 30, 2012 11:45 am

    Oh how I love Pittsburgh Dad, he just puts a smile on my face.



  3. Kristina
    November 30, 2012 11:52 am

    Ahhh! reading about Trigger was on par with watching those damn Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercials. Too bad I already have a dog or else I’m not sure I could resist.
    I hope someone adopts the little guy.



  4. Sheila
    November 30, 2012 12:22 pm

    Re: Zoo – I think I would have just sent a letter to everyone that was supposed to get one & explain the situation & say “thank you for your support this year and we would love for you to continue to support us”. If someone wanted to call the zoo to get a copy anyway, then send it out but don’t mass mail without some explanation. Seems like such a no-brainer & way to get some good PR that they will need.

    Also, now that more details are out on the incident, I sincerly hope that all those that blamed the mom on facebook & twitter are hanging their heads in shame & have learned a lesson not to judge.

    Off soapbox



  5. Jim
    November 30, 2012 12:24 pm

    I can’t hear you! Great song by Pittsburgh’s own Donnie Iris!



  6. Katie
    November 30, 2012 12:38 pm

    Dude #13! I work there and am super excited to see you posting about it! Our baby bag program is awesome and so incredibly simple for the community to help with. Thanks SO MUCH for posting that because we really would love to send as many of these bags as we can!



  7. Jim W
    November 30, 2012 2:54 pm

    Yeah…I THINK that PR 101 teaches “Even if it costs a little extra to reprint the March page, go ahead and do it, if the feature mauled a two year old to death within the past three months”. There was absolutely NO PR upside to sending out ‘the remaining’ calendars. It would have actually been POSITIVE PR if they’d have sent out a note explaining that all the remaining calendars had been discarded, or wouldn’t be available until a replacement page was printed out of respect for the victim’s family…or in mourning…or solidarity…or…something.

    I have yet to go to Las Velas. We ALMOST went a few months ago, but I don’t think it was open for lunch. So we didn’t.

    The…Jag Rag?? Why not just print that on a sock? Who would buy that?



  8. jenny
    November 30, 2012 2:58 pm

    I think she is my new favorite read. Not that I don’t still love you, Jane. But seeing as how my 12 year old is apparently getting a headstart on the omnicient-teen jackassery, I SO needed that today.



  9. Janelle
    November 30, 2012 4:20 pm

    I never thought much about cookie tables until a friend got married. When I told my boyfriend we’d be attending her wedding, he yelled, “IS SHE GONNA HAVE A COOKIE TABLE!?” And that’s pretty much the only thing he talked about involving that wedding.

    So then we get there, he scopes out the cookie table with my cousin’s boyfriend, and the two of them fangirled so hard. At one point, my cousin’s boyfriend panicked when we said we hadn’t tried the thumbprints and sacrificed his in case they were all gone.



  10. Christina
    November 30, 2012 5:11 pm

    My god …. I give a lot to hear you all trying to say the beautiful German word “Christkindlmarkt” – That would be the one day I would be a the first language speaker and everybody else would struggle ;)))



  11. Vivian formerly NY Luvs Pits
    November 30, 2012 7:34 pm

    #9 Jag Rag???? OMG!!!! My sides hurt from laughing so hard.



  12. bluzdude
    December 1, 2012 11:20 am

    My family has always had the Cookie Table… I was shocked when I went to non-Western PA weddings and there wasn’t one.

    When I was at my cousin’s wedding in The Burgh a few years back, not only did she have an enormous Cookie Table, it was covered with a sheer veil-like netting, to keep people out of it until after dinner. (For very good reason, I might add.) Is that common?

    Oh, and “Jag Rag?” It totally fits…



  13. Butcher's Dog
    December 1, 2012 5:05 pm

    First off, no one takes anyone who lives in Ohio seriously. Not even most people who live in Ohio.
    Second, the only fitting parental remark to general adolescent smart-assed-ness is, “Gee, I wish I was (fill in appropriate age) again so I could know everything, too.” And then, you know, there’s always the thrill of rolling them out of bed by picking up one side of the matress when they’ve been called a zillion times. And finally, my personal favorite, the opportunity to embarass them in front of friends at every possible moment.



  14. Julie
    December 3, 2012 11:18 am

    I actually finally made it to Las Velas last week for lunch. I had the shrimp tacos and they were amazing!!



  15. jann
    December 3, 2012 9:07 pm

    Did anyone take the dog?




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