What They’re Really Thinking: Hipster/Gif Edition

I began watching this game at Las Velas where the kids and I were dining with my husband’s family.

At half-time, I headed home with my kiddos and listened to the third quarter while driving.

Then I watched the fourth quarter in my living room while my daughter built her Minecraft kingdom and my son studied William Penn.

Did you know after William Penn’s death, one of his sons, Thomas, who was the leader of the colony called Pennsylvania, claimed to have in his possession a treaty between his father and a Lenape Indian chief — a treaty that stated William Penn could claim for his colony any land he wanted that was “as far as a man could go in a day and a half” to the west of the Delaware River. But while William was alive, they never did the “walk” to see how much land that was. So Thomas and the Indians cheerfully arranged for the walk. Thomas sent out three colonial walkers — who immediately took off sprinting, allowing them to take from the Lenape tribe 66 miles of land instead of the expected 30 at most.

The colonists were just total Quaker bitchez, weren’t they?

Where the hell were we?

Oh. Football. Let’s talk football. And Charlie Batch. And collective footballgasms that probably registered a solid 1.5 on the Richter Scale.

1. First, before the game even started, my hate juices started flowing. Hate started as a simmer and then began bubbling and bubbling until by the time the game started and I was one margarita buzzed, I could have easily punched right into Ray Lewis’ chest cavity and pulled out his still beating heart and then shoved it into his stupid jaw-unhinged screaming face.

Football makes me violent. Ray Lewis makes me SUPER violent.  We’ve discussed this.

Biblical hate. Hellfire hate.

And I know, Dad, that the Bible says you shouldn’t hate people, but I’m pretty sure even Jesus looks at the Ravens and is all, “BUT THEY’RE SO ANNOYYYYYYYYINNNNNNGGGGG! [/whine]”

Also, my Facebook avatar photo is easily 10 years old. I should probably update that. My gray hairs are all, “YA THINK?!”

2. There are six constants in life: death, taxes, change, Nutella, Shaun Suisham, and Heath Miller.

Everything else? In flux! Chaotic! Never still! Always in turmoil!

Troysus is hurt. Then he got better for five minutes and then he was hurt. Now he’s better. Ben got hurt so badly that if he even burped wrong his rib bone would puncture his aorta. Byron got hurt.  AB got hurt. Charlie’s 100-years-old and he’s in. Rashard is out. Wallace is demoted. Baron Batch who?

But Shaun Suisham is money [knocks violently on wood] and Heath Miller is our rock. Unchanging. Unfailing. (We’ll pretend Heath’s fumble during last week’s Game of Pigeon-Infested Hell didn’t happen. [waves hand] These are not the droids you’re looking for.) Edit: Heath didn’t fumble last week? Why did I think he did? The week before maybe? Either way, these are NOT THE DROIDS YOUR LOOKING FOR.

So when the going gets tough in the remaining games of the season, they are the lighthouses on the hill we’ll look to.

This has been Deep Thoughts, with Virginia Montanez who is Two Margaritas Buzzed.

3. Unfortunately, there’s one other constant: 

Steely McBeam will never die.

That’s a Steely McBeam “study buddy,” or as I call him, “Hipster McBeam.” I think you’re supposed to violently rip his head off … ironically.

4. This is pretty much how the third quarter went because I had to listen to it in the car on DVE and with my hearing, it sounds like this, “SHHHHHHHHHHH Brown SHHHHHHHHHHHHHH 18 SHHHHHHHH fumble.”

Me: “What happened?”

My son in the back seat: “There was a fumble.”

Me: “Who recovered it?!?”

Son: “Ummmmmm. Ben … Roethlisberger?”

Me: “ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING?!?!”

Poor kid. It’s a lot of pressure to be the ears for your deaf mom while sportscasters are talking a million miles an hour.

Can you imagine if Myron Cope was still alive?

Me: “WHAT DID HE SAY?!?!”

Son:[sobbing] I … HAVE … NO … IDEA.”

5. Ryan Clark made an amazing interception and we barely had time to tweet our jubilation because two plays later, the Ravens intercepted that shit right back and then BOOM BOOM touchdown Ravens. It’s 13-3 and Burghers all over America are horrified and desperately looking for something to puke into.

6. Last week I asked my brother-in-law Muchacho if he thought Troysus would ever play football again. He said no.

I asked my sister. She said no.

I asked my dad. He said no.

In my gut, I felt “no.”

And Troysus was like, “Bitch, please.”

He wasn’t a huge factor in the game, but he was A factor.

7. Charlie Batch. Is old. I’m seven months older than Charlie Batch and I’m telling you … he is old. And slow. And old. And toeing the line of decrepitude. My god. That’s a word. Go me.

But despite that age and that decrepitudity (survey saaaays! Not a word), he fought hard during this game. Charlie wanted this win. You could see it in everything he was doing and shouting and gesturing during the fourth quarter especially. He was frantic and determined and fighting for every yard. He even mouthed off to the refs a bit!

Not only that, but when Dwyer ran for a touchdown in the third to tie the game up, it was CHARLIE BATCH who threw the block that allowed him to score. 104-year-old Charlie Batch ran behind Dwyer like a spring chicken on meth and threw a block and all of Steeler Nation is like …

 

IS THIS REAL LIFE?!

8. As we were nearing our house, the Ravens scored a touchdown and I slapped my hand on my car radio power button a little harder than necessary and the car was filled with my angry silence.

Daughter: “Why did you turn the Steelers off, Mom?”

My son: “Because they suck.”

9. Fourth quarter, we’re down by 7 when Charlie, poor Charlie, throws an interception.

But then something miraculous happens. A Christmas miracle.

James Harrison showed up for the first time since what seems like 1975.

He forces a fumble and two minutes later, Heath scores, but he doesn’t just score. He turns into the love child of Elasta-girl and Gumby and stretches his arms just far enough to tap the pylon, probably tearing every muscle in his arm pit in the process.

We freak.

The game is all tied up with less than 7 minutes on the clock.

10. The defense does its job and gets the ball back for Charlie and it’s now Charlie’s job is to give Shaun Suisham a chance to win the game in the final seconds. A roughing the passer penalty on the Ravens really really helps him out.

But he needs to get a bit closer to give Suisham a sure thing. We’re looking at a 42-yarder if he doesn’t.

Dwyer. 1 yard.

[inhale] [exhale]

Dwyer. Minus 1 yard.

[inhale exhale inhale exhale]

Dwyer. No gain.

 

Up comes Shaun “Sure Thing” Suisham to kick.

Tomlin gives him a look:

Here we go.

Half of us remain calm in our belief of Shaun Suisham.

Half of us can’t watch, and run to semi-hide.

And half of us who can’t do math are staring and then looking away and then staring and then looking away and then grabbing our dogs (not a euphemism) and hugging them like a yipping security blanket. We think about sucking our thumbs (also not a euphemism).

Three seconds on the clock. Game is tied. 42 yards looks like a thousand miles.

He lines up.

The ball is snapped.

He kicks.

It’s good! Time expires!

Steeler Nation loses its almighty collective shit!

Charlie Batch loses his shit too and falls sobbing into the arms of Ben Roethlisberger for a good long cry.

(via SB Nation)

 It’s beautiful. And emotional. And we’re all a bit teary-eyed and some of us are just flat-out ugly crying:

There  there, Dawson. We all want to hug Charlie Batch too because he wanted this win and he got it for us. And it wasn’t just a win. It was a win over the Ravens. It might be the biggest win; it might be the last win of his life.

Charlie has a message for everyone who didn’t believe he could do it:

Shut up. I love the bee uniforms.

So we won. A big game. An important game. And that goes a long way to help us forget last week’s debacle against the Browns.

Everyone is forgiven.

Except Mike Wallace.

[shrug]

11.. Finally, this goes without saying, but Total Quaker Bitchez would be a great band name.





35 Comments

  1. jann
    December 3, 2012 8:50 pm

    I am SO happy for Charlie Batch (and all of us, too!)



  2. matt
    December 3, 2012 8:54 pm

    Heath Miller didn’t fumble in the Cleveland game.



  3. unsatisfied
    December 3, 2012 9:02 pm

    btw, I’m back, bitches.



  4. dweber77
    December 3, 2012 9:23 pm

    Do you want to love Charlie even more Virginia? This is from his FB page.

    “Well guys, I’m tired & I lost my hind leg strength. I put up a good fight, but now I must rest and watch over my dad. Thank you everyone for all the love & prayers during this time. Ruv Roo all- Roxie. #CancerSUCKS”



  5. AngryMongo
    December 3, 2012 9:38 pm

    Charlie made me sob when I saw him hugging and crying. You could tell it was part exhaustion, part elation, and part “I miss my Roxie”.

    And… is Charlie the new Hines to kick around like an old dog? lol.

    And… you daughter plays Minecraft? Too cool.



  6. ClumberKim
    December 3, 2012 9:41 pm

    Charlie brings to life the old adage, “It’s not the age. It’s the mileage.” Nine starts in eleven years isn’t a lot of mileage. And his dog died of cancer last week. I’m not surprised he was emotional.



  7. WI Mom
    December 4, 2012 6:24 am

    Ginny- are you sure you weren’t hiding somewhere in my house that last quarter, because I swear I reacted the exact same way as you described. Turned the station when he threw that intercetion, hid my eyes on that last kick, everything. This win was a thing to behold!!



  8. Cole
    December 4, 2012 8:52 am

    Best. Post. Ever.



  9. Korie
    December 4, 2012 9:11 am

    I laughed so hard I cried.
    And yet, I also really felt the tension. Which is awesome cause I’m a burgher living in Belgium, so I’ve only seen the Steelers play twice in 5 years cause England decided to start broadcasting the Superbowl on a channel our digital cable broadcasts here.

    British announcers suck.
    Seriously, they had Rod Woodson guest announcing and I was calling stuff and explaining things to my Belgian husband that the British announcers were totally screwing up. Me and Rod though? Totally in sync.



    • Christina
      December 6, 2012 3:33 am

      Korie,

      You do not need to live with English announcers and a lack of Steelers games. You can click on my name and email me and I will get back to you how I handle this.

      Greetings from Germany

      C



  10. Scott
    December 4, 2012 9:45 am

    True story…I spent two hours stringing 1500 lights on our 10 foot Christmas tree while watching the game. Finished about 5 seconds before Squeeze’em lined up for the game winner. He nails it….and before the ball returned to the ground, every light on the tree went dark. If it were not for the miracle win and resulting euphoria, I think I would have thrown that f’ing tree right through the living room window.

    Also, GIFs are funny.



  11. bucdaddy
    December 4, 2012 11:15 am

    Steelers Nation.

    Unless you mean just one.



    • Virginia
      December 4, 2012 2:51 pm

      So when a person is hiking in the woods and turns to their hiking partner to remind them to be aware, do they say, “Be careful. We’re in bears country,” or would they say “bear country” and if they do say “bear country” does that mean they need to be on the lookout for the sole bear on the whole mountain?

      I rest my case.



      • bucdaddy
        December 4, 2012 2:54 pm

        If you think the plural isn’t important, what do they call the Nation at Duquesne?

        Game. Set. Match. Beer.



        • bucdaddy
          December 4, 2012 2:58 pm

          And: What would you call the Nations for the St. Louis baseball team and the Arizona NFL team?

          Nope, that would be Stanford.

          Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooal!



          • Virginia
            December 4, 2012 3:01 pm

            You’re giving me sports examples. I want real world examples such as the one I just gave you to explain to me why it must be plural in Steeler Nation, because that was your argument — that I’m referring to “one Steeler.”

            I’m waiting.



            • bucdaddy
              December 4, 2012 3:26 pm

              Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to ignore your real-world comment, I thought I was replying to the original comment.

              NOW I’m going to ignore your real-world comment because a) you seem free to ignore my Duquesne and Cardinal/Cardinals examples* and b) bears don’t apply** because their collective name is not trademarked.

              The nickname of the team is not Steeler, it is Steelers. I’m pretty sure you know this. An individual player for the Steelers would be a Steeler, but collectively, they are Steelers. Fans of the team are fans of the Steelers, not of the Steeler (unless they only like one); therefore they form Steelers Nation.

              Your way is isolationist, focusing on the individual; my way is inclusive, focusing on the team.

              Try applying your way to all the teams and see how dumb it starts to sound.

              Saint Nation? That’s like a church in my MiL’s town (St. [Ig]natius).

              Giant Nation? Are there Medium-Sized and Small nations too? Grande and Vente nations?

              How about Pat Nation? Who’s she? (Oh, but you’re going to say, “It must be PATRIOT Nation, because you can’t just shorten the nickname of the team to whatever you feel li … oops.”)

              Game. Over.

              *–One more: Down here, to claim your devotion to Mountaineer Nation is to proclaim your devotion to the WVU mascot. I guess that’s possible, but if you’re a fan of the teams that go by MountaineerS, then you belong to MountaineerS Nation.

              **–Except when you’re in Chicago, then you’re in Bears Country. So I guess it did apply after all.

              Pleasure debating you, ma’am. Come back and try again.



              • Butcher's Dog
                December 4, 2012 9:16 pm

                Ooooooooohhhhhh! Grammar and syntax bitchery!! You two really know how to warm an old English Teacher’s heart!



      • Observacious
        December 5, 2012 5:25 pm

        Since I live in Chicago I can assure you it is “Bears Country” plural. The term “Bear Country” is never used since the common way to warn people about a single Bear is to use the phrase “Urlacher Country.”

        The NFL flag makers also agree with you. Not a singular team nickname on this page: http://football-proshop.com/nfl-country-flags-c-696_698.html



  12. Nancy
    December 4, 2012 12:42 pm

    I was at the game. I think Charlie heard me screaming (eh, I’d like to think that since I have no voice). We needed you Ginny to tell the Ravens fans where to go. They sure as heck told me where to go…..



  13. sillywalter
    December 4, 2012 3:09 pm

    Your gifs are fantastic! I’m not convinced you haven’t spent time on ONTD.

    Also,

    In Heathus name we pray. Amen.



    • Virginia
      December 4, 2012 3:11 pm

      I should probably have put up there that most of the gifs are from Pleated Jeans. :)



  14. Vivian formerly NYLuvsPitts
    December 4, 2012 7:52 pm

    Awesome.



  15. Nancy Franson
    December 5, 2012 9:10 am

    It’s like you were in my head while I was watching the game.

    Troysus with hair descending, indeed. Yeah. He made a difference. Just being there.



  16. bucdaddy
    December 5, 2012 11:21 am

    Hey BDawgie, how did you get your “Reply” button not to work like that? I wanted to warn you to stand back so you done get hurt by syllable shrapnel.



  17. bucdaddy
    December 5, 2012 11:21 am

    Hey BDawgie, how did you get your “Reply” button not to work like that? I wanted to warn you to stand back so you don’t get hurt by syllable shrapnel.



    • Suzie-Q
      December 5, 2012 8:52 pm

      hmmmm plural response bucdaddy????



    • Butcher's Dog
      December 5, 2012 9:45 pm

      Well, yeah, there’s the plural response thing. I attribute that to the “fast finger” gene, the one that lets us click multiple times before the brain kicks in and says “Whoa, fast finger!” But beyond that, what’s wrong with my “reply” button? I hit it as soon as I read the thread. Been busy, ‘n ‘at, and didn’t get in on the start of the commentary. Also, real English Teachers (yeah, Teachers is capitalized here correctly) don’t stand back from syllable shrapnel. They embrace it. Some run towards the explosion while others run away from it.



  18. Julie
    December 5, 2012 4:37 pm

    GInny its your best work yet!!! Off to share on Facebook!!



  19. Observacious
    December 5, 2012 5:15 pm

    I thought the most beautiful image connected to this game was Charlie in the arms of Ben, but you improved on that by including the Carlton dance.




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