Last night. My daughter’s bedroom.
Her: I got this from my teacher’s library. Can you read it to me?
Me, aloud: Uh. Sure.
Me, internally: SON OF A MOTHERLESS HAIRLESS FATHERLESS LEGLESS ASSHOLE GOAT.
Three minutes later.
Me: The end. So as you can see, the moral of the story is that pigeons shouldn’t drive buses because they are the very incarnation of evil.
Me: Night night. [kisses her on her head and turns her light out]
Her: I wish I had a pet pigeon.
Hey. Are you an animal lover who gave birth to a half-Mexican girl in December of 2006?
I think I might have your daughter.
Because this one ain’t mine.