“And he saw the boob and his eyes did rot out of his skull.”

This is a boob.

Mt. Lebanon library says partially nude woman in photo exhibit breaks rules   Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Look at it.

It’s a boob.

It has a nipple.

Because it is a boob.

It serves to permit the female human to provide natural sustenance to her baby.

It was a gift from God. Or an accident, depending on your view.

It is a boob.

You might have one or two.

Your wife might.

YO’ MAMA SURE DID.

It is a boob.

Unless you are an administrator at the Mt. Lebanon Public Library, where this particular boob hangs, because then it’s not a boob; it’s a porn-adjacent image that will turn the minds of our young children to filth — rotting, stinking, gutter-dwelling filth.

“She said the problem with the photo of the breast was that it was across from [Mellon] middle school,” he said, “and the kids coming in after school come into the library and might joke about the picture.”

They might … joke about it?

Dear God, no.

Young boys and girls might see this painted boob and … giggle?!

The terrorists have won. Where is our God?

Dear Mt. Lebanon Public Library et al:

Before I launch into this, please be reminded that I am a pilgrim. The daughter of a minister. My children, at my choosing, are sheltered. My son does not walk in the door to find his copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition waiting for him. My daughter thinks that the worst word you can ever utter is stupid; a close second is dumb. If she hears you say the word hate, she will audibly gasp at your nerve. My TV is password protected. Get it? Me = pilgrim.

That said, this pilgrim is telling you to GET A GRIP.

It’s a bare breast. It’s actually not even a REAL bare breast. It is a photograph of a painted breast. The breast is not being fondled. The breast is not being suckled by a man. The breast is not being touched by the hand of God reaching down from the clouds to give it a sacrilegious tweak.

It is just a breast. The breast abides.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, brace yourself. [Inhale] there are boobs all over the ceiling of the Byham.

Byham Theater

Shall we shun our children from the culture and arts they could experience within the theater for fear they may look at them? Stare at them? GIGGLE AT THEM!?!

I took my son to the Byham. He was eight and he saw those boobs and as they caught his eye and realization dawned in his little ecstatic brain, he made a face that said, “BOOBS! OH EM GEE! THERE ARE BOOBS IN HERE. Be cool. Be cool.” It was awesome and hysterical and at no point in time did I consider telling the Byham to get those dirty, mind-putrefying, innocence-polluting images off of their walls.

We live in a world where 30-year-old men still giggle at the word “duty.” OF COURSE THE KIDS ARE GOING TO GIGGLE AT THE BOOB! It’s a boob! In the library! It’s the next best thing to that National Geographic edition your mom threw away on account of all the bellybutton-grazing boobs.

Hell, I’m a girl and I still remember seeing those brown boobs with my sisters all, “OH EM GEE. IT’S A BOOB! IN THE MAGAZINE! SEVERAL SAGGY BOOBS! Look how saggy they are. Tee-hee. Here comes mom! Flip to the page with the volcanoes. Hey, Mom! We’re just sitting here looking at volcanoes. No boobies for us to see here! Just volcanoes and shit.”

I managed to turn out okay, and I promise you this … your Mt. Lebanon children will still be the wonderful, promise-filled, Whitney Houston-beloved future of America, even if they see a painted boob prior to turning 18.

And now, so you realize how ridiculous you are, here are some tweets for you to read on this very subject:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Amen and [BEWBS!]

You’re the next Annoying Burghers and your crowns are in the mail, and by “crowns” I mean me, standing on your doorstep, flashing my pilgrim boobs.

Somewhere, Benjamin Franklin is saying to himself, “Pilgrim Boobs would make a great band name.”





22 Comments

  1. hello haha narf
    February 7, 2013 5:06 pm

    when there is a protest in mt. lebanon, i am showing up. topless.
    ( * )( * )



  2. Allison
    February 7, 2013 5:30 pm

    Wonder if Mt. Lebanon carries the Fifty Shades of Grey books?



    • red pen mama
      February 8, 2013 9:19 am

      That’s exactly what I thought of, too. That and someone might make a joke about boobs. For goodness sake, people, I was talking about my droopy nipples with my 6-year-old this morning. We were giggling.

      This is the most ridiculous thing. When the director of the library gets back, I hope she is reasonable enough to apologize for the flap and let everyone go on about their days.

      Also: James Foreman was brilliant on Twitter yesterday.



  3. gunnlino
    February 7, 2013 5:40 pm

    Ban all boobs , boobs are the cause of all depravity in the USA , we need a national data base of all persons who have boobs . Maybe even background checks of those who want boobs . All persons with a boob card will have to register at their local library .



  4. Natty
    February 7, 2013 5:46 pm

    These kind of posts are exactly why I love you! Boobalicious Awesomeness



  5. Margie
    February 7, 2013 5:49 pm

    I remember that Nat Geo, that was the highlight of every fifth grader for years. Snicker Snicker
    ( * ) ( * )



  6. mindybakes
    February 7, 2013 5:57 pm

    Great. Now my fragile little mind has been terminally warped by artistic images of BEWBS. WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME?!?!?!

    Oh yeah…thats right…nothing.

    I have NO doubt all of the kids at Melons Junior High have seen a boob before. Well unless they live under a rock and watch no TV or use computers. I kind of hope the director gets back from her trip and bitch slaps the jackasses that started this crap. They definitely deserve it.



  7. Monty
    February 7, 2013 7:08 pm

    I have to admit that a bare breast in a library makes for an odd juggstaposition.



  8. Suzie-Q
    February 7, 2013 7:54 pm

    Library Administrator gets the booby prize…..



  9. KGC
    February 7, 2013 8:39 pm

    I thought you might have been talking about ‘Lil Lukey and Zober when I saw ‘boobs’.



  10. Pa-pop
    February 7, 2013 9:12 pm

    Surely, can’t some sort of compromise be worked out? You know, a little tit for tat?



  11. Monty
    February 7, 2013 10:04 pm

    Ok, now we’re just milking this.



  12. KGC
    February 8, 2013 9:18 am

    I’d forgotten how much I miss the Byham,,, Thanks for the mammaries.



  13. Observacious
    February 8, 2013 10:56 am

    One of my favorite examples of boobie censorship is the documentary “Babies.” It’s a film the first year of life of babies around the world. The MPAA made the film PG because there are boobies. The movie is about the lives of babies!



  14. Laura
    February 8, 2013 11:08 am

    Jeezy Creezy! It’s just a breast!
    By middle school I had been wearing a real bra (not training) for 2 years.

    If they are so worried about children seeing breasts, then all the female staff should be binding their chests to as flat a profile as possible so they show no hint of BREASTS!

    And of course my comment is absurd because this Library is being absurd.

    And breasts have been around THOUSANDS of years before books so get over yourself!

    I bet Johan Gutenberg liked boobs.



  15. bucdaddy
    February 8, 2013 11:54 am

    So … if I annoy you enough, you’ll flash me?



  16. Pingback: Random Thoughts: The Boobs in Public Places Edition « Red Pen Mama

  17. Michele
    February 8, 2013 1:11 pm

    My work computer blocked this post as pornography. I had to read it on my phone. I guess it was all the BOOBS!



  18. Sooska
    February 9, 2013 4:59 pm

    Right out of college I worked for National Geographic’s Member Relations department ( because they didn’t like to call it customer or subscription services. They were too good for that.) True Story: someone wrote in (I saw the letter) and predictably complained about the ubiquitous nude “natives,” like this: “If God would have wanted us to be naked we would have been born that way.” NOT kidding. Totally true.



  19. bucdaddy
    February 10, 2013 1:27 am

    So you say you like boobsalot?
    Yes, I like boobsalot
    Boobsalot boobsalot
    You gotta like boobsalot
    Say you wear your jockalot?
    Yes, I wear my jockalot
    Jockalot jockalot
    You gotta wear your jockalot …



  20. Lisa P
    February 20, 2013 11:21 am

    Man I missed you!! lol love this