Monthly Archives: February 2013

Here we go!


Do we take for granted that when we walk in the door, our children and our nieces and nephews will be able to run to us in greeting? They’ll hear the key turn and our toddlers will toddle and our babies will crawl. Our children will bounce toward us on sure legs and say excited, mostly comprehensible things to us. There is no frustration or sadness on our part or on their part. There is just joy. Do you take that for granted? I know I took it for granted until I visited The Children’s Home — the next beneficiary of the Make Room for Kids fundraising efforts.

Make Room for Kids’ goal has always been to bring smiles and distractions to Pittsburgh’s sickest kids — those fighting the hardest, longest, most grueling fights. The Mario Lemieux Foundation has worked hard to identify just who those kids are that most need what it is we offer via Make Room for Kids. For over three years now, we’ve provided hospitalized children with countless games, over 100 XBOXes, dozens of iPads, laptops, printers, TVs, movies and more — all designed to make their journey a little less stressful. A smile wedged here and there between the fears and tears.  And unless you yourself have fought the same battle, you have no idea what the children are going through. None.

The Children’s Home of Pittsburgh has treated more than 15,000 children and their families since 1893. They have a pediatric speciality hospital, a family center where families of sick children can stay together  and live while they undergo treatment in their hospital.  They have Child’s Way, a day care for very medically fragile children who attend every day while their parents go to work and school.  The Children’s Home also has an adoption program, and more.

Right now, there are 24 families sharing 2 laptops. That won’t do.

Right now, there is a VCR with a CRT television for the children to watch movies on. That won’t do.

Right now, there is one Wii for all the patients to share. That won’t do.

Right now, there are children fighting cancer, children waiting for or adjusting to new organs, children with tumors or damaged hearts, children with new prosthetics, children with all manner of illnesses being cared for in The Children’s Home while their care and treatments are taught to their parents in a home-like setting which is a critical step toward going home.

Right now, families with children with special needs rely on Child’s Way, a daycare inside the home that cares for over 50 children. It was in Child’s Way, as we listened to the staff explain to us their needs, that it became difficult for me to see what I was seeing. So many beautiful children with so many hard battles in front of them for the entire rest of their lives. Legs that don’t work. Mouths that don’t speak. Brains that faltered somewhere, but left in their wake some beautiful minds.

It was in that room that a boy of about nine dragged himself across the floor to greet us. His legs useless to him, but his arms strong and determined. In his own way, he voiced his approval that we were there and gave us each a smile that you couldn’t help but return. The center was filled with children just like him. Wonderful spirits there to learn and grow despite the hand life dealt them. We want to give them some technology that will help them in that learning and growing.

As the fundraising campaign goes on, I’ll talk to you more and more about the specific help The Children’s Home is offering to our city’s sick kids, many of whom are also patients at Children’s Hospital. I’ll talk to you about the kinds of treatments they receive. I’ll talk to you about the fact that the Children’s Home has children’s hospice — Two words that should just never appear next to each other.  And I’ll do my best to convince you to throw a few dollars in the pot so that come April, we can see some beautiful smiles when we descend on the home with trunks full of technology.

We’re looking to raise $6,500 right now. The wonderful employees of the local Microsoft office have already donated enough from their paychecks to fund every XBOX we need, and some Surface tablets too! That leaves us with purchasing all of the games, TVs, computers, movies and more.  In addition, we’ll use any extra funds to perform maintenance on the units we’ve already outfitted over the past three years, and to provide them with new games as well.

Again, I’ll keep updating you as we move forward and I suspect this fundraising campaign will take a bit longer this year due to the fact that I haven’t been posting here as often as I used to, and that results in a lower readership.

But I promise your money is going right where we say it is, and I promise you that we’ve found the kids who need these distractions the most.

The donate button is live and as usual, all funds go directly to the Mario Lemieux Foundation. Please support it if you can!

Group hug!

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“And he saw the boob and his eyes did rot out of his skull.”

This is a boob.

Mt. Lebanon library says partially nude woman in photo exhibit breaks rules   Pittsburgh Post Gazette

Look at it.

It’s a boob.

It has a nipple.

Because it is a boob.

It serves to permit the female human to provide natural sustenance to her baby.

It was a gift from God. Or an accident, depending on your view.

It is a boob.

You might have one or two.

Your wife might.


It is a boob.

Unless you are an administrator at the Mt. Lebanon Public Library, where this particular boob hangs, because then it’s not a boob; it’s a porn-adjacent image that will turn the minds of our young children to filth — rotting, stinking, gutter-dwelling filth.

“She said the problem with the photo of the breast was that it was across from [Mellon] middle school,” he said, “and the kids coming in after school come into the library and might joke about the picture.”

They might … joke about it?

Dear God, no.

Young boys and girls might see this painted boob and … giggle?!

The terrorists have won. Where is our God?

Dear Mt. Lebanon Public Library et al:

Before I launch into this, please be reminded that I am a pilgrim. The daughter of a minister. My children, at my choosing, are sheltered. My son does not walk in the door to find his copy of Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition waiting for him. My daughter thinks that the worst word you can ever utter is stupid; a close second is dumb. If she hears you say the word hate, she will audibly gasp at your nerve. My TV is password protected. Get it? Me = pilgrim.

That said, this pilgrim is telling you to GET A GRIP.

It’s a bare breast. It’s actually not even a REAL bare breast. It is a photograph of a painted breast. The breast is not being fondled. The breast is not being suckled by a man. The breast is not being touched by the hand of God reaching down from the clouds to give it a sacrilegious tweak.

It is just a breast. The breast abides.

I hate to be the one to tell you this, but, brace yourself. [Inhale] there are boobs all over the ceiling of the Byham.

Byham Theater

Shall we shun our children from the culture and arts they could experience within the theater for fear they may look at them? Stare at them? GIGGLE AT THEM!?!

I took my son to the Byham. He was eight and he saw those boobs and as they caught his eye and realization dawned in his little ecstatic brain, he made a face that said, “BOOBS! OH EM GEE! THERE ARE BOOBS IN HERE. Be cool. Be cool.” It was awesome and hysterical and at no point in time did I consider telling the Byham to get those dirty, mind-putrefying, innocence-polluting images off of their walls.

We live in a world where 30-year-old men still giggle at the word “duty.” OF COURSE THE KIDS ARE GOING TO GIGGLE AT THE BOOB! It’s a boob! In the library! It’s the next best thing to that National Geographic edition your mom threw away on account of all the bellybutton-grazing boobs.

Hell, I’m a girl and I still remember seeing those brown boobs with my sisters all, “OH EM GEE. IT’S A BOOB! IN THE MAGAZINE! SEVERAL SAGGY BOOBS! Look how saggy they are. Tee-hee. Here comes mom! Flip to the page with the volcanoes. Hey, Mom! We’re just sitting here looking at volcanoes. No boobies for us to see here! Just volcanoes and shit.”

I managed to turn out okay, and I promise you this … your Mt. Lebanon children will still be the wonderful, promise-filled, Whitney Houston-beloved future of America, even if they see a painted boob prior to turning 18.

And now, so you realize how ridiculous you are, here are some tweets for you to read on this very subject:











Amen and [BEWBS!]

You’re the next Annoying Burghers and your crowns are in the mail, and by “crowns” I mean me, standing on your doorstep, flashing my pilgrim boobs.

Somewhere, Benjamin Franklin is saying to himself, “Pilgrim Boobs would make a great band name.”

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Note: Yes, I’m posting more lately. Because I’m very soon going to be asking you to donate money to sick kids. I feel I at least owe you a few chuckles so that you’ll donate to give some sick kids a few smiles.


What the Pittsburgh Airport has on display:


What the Philadelphia Airport has on display:


We win; Philly couldn’t lose any harder.

Also, suck it, Portland.


(h/t Mark)

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Back in 2011 the URA released an April Fool’s edition of their e-newsletter featuring this:

Today the City of Pittsburgh in conjunction with the URA, Allegheny County and the Port Authority announced plans to construct a zip line that will run from the Duquesne Incline in Mt. Washington to the North Shore.

To which I responded:


Best idea ever. Get on that, someone of import.

Guess what?

The half-mile proposed zip line would cross the Ohio River at 50 mph and with a 400 foot vertical drop. Young will use the grant funds to bring a national zip line company to Pittsburgh to conduct a feasability study.

Young says the project has verbal arrangements with property owners at the proposed take-off and landing sites.  A landing platform would be constructed at the North Shore location with enough height to prevent interference with river traffic.

Are you kidding me? Zipping over the Ohio River from Mt. Washington and landing on the North Shore at speeds approaching Turnpike-mph?

If you don’t wear a Batman cape the first time you do it, I don’t even know who you are anymore.

A Spiderman suit will also be acceptable.

[swishes cape and runs off in dramatic fashion]

[runs back in dramatic fashion]

Also … suck it, Portland.

[swishes cape and runs off again in dramatic fashion]

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Random n’at

1.  It’s cold. I’m cold. I’m ready for spring. And the only thing keeping me warm is the Nick and Jess kiss on New Girl.


2. You will never ever ever convince me that the person who invented this knitting craft isn’t sick in the head. SO SICK IN THE HEAD.

(h/t Samantha. Can I call you Sam?)

3. Cat lovers are voting for Lukey, but dog lovers are voting for Peduto.

Go read the 11 other interesting facts about this year’s mayor race and to see the new rapper names I’ve got for Lukey.

Straight G. Lukey Cube is my fave.

4. Remember that screed I wrote called “Fed up” about rude Burghers? Go read the story of how one woman in a car in Homewood restored my faith in the kindess of our people. 

A snippet:

I heard a voice call out. “Excuse me, miss!”

I turned toward the road, and there was the young lady. In her car. Leaning out her window. I resisted the urge to hit the pavement in case I was about to experience a drive-by from a woman who yells “Excuse me, miss!” before shooting her victims.

She fired 10 words.

Go read the rest. 

5. From the A.V. Club comes the best Mister Rogers post ever. “Is Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood the Greatest TV Show Ever?” is worth a read.

And this video they feature of Mister Rogers remaining unflappable in the face of Joan Rivers’ snark is worth a look.

YouTube Preview Image

He was Jesus.

(h/t Jonathan)

6. Speaking of Mister Rogers, last night while doing the dishes, I had TBS on the kitchen TV when Family Guy came on, a show I’ve never seen (I LOVED IT!). This was the opening scene in which Stewie dreams of destroying The Neighborhood of Make Believe. It’s terrible but I couldn’t help laughing at Lady Elaine’s body thwapping around her carousel and also … “Meow meow skin graft meow meow!”


Sorry Mister Rogers.

7. Governor Corbett has introduced a plan to privatize the liquor sales in Pennsylvania. His goal is to get the state out of the liquor sales business. And to trust us people to buy our alcohol out from under their Big Brother eye without becoming a commonwealth of alcoholics who only have ambitions as they relate to the procurement of the devil’s juice.  To join the other states in the union who long ago realized what a ridiculous waste of money and manpower it is to remain committed to this outdated bastion of prohibition.

Anyway, if this goes through? This is what I’ll do the first time I see wine at Target …


8. If you’re a musician who would like to do a nice thing for a local boy battling cancer, then perhaps you’ll write a song for Aidan too?

Check it out and make this boy’s day. 

9. A Youngstown native wrote a piece claiming my “menacingly stabby” article about Pittsburgh’s ownership of the wedding cookie table just isn’t true. 


10. In about one week I will be launching the fundraising effort for the next phase of Make Room for Kids on behalf of the Mario Lemieux Foundation. Would you be there for me and the sick kids of Pittsburgh, please?

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