(Photo credit: Michael Henninger of the Post-Gazette)
Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.
Mayor Luke: [walks in. Sees me sitting there. Turns to leave.]
Me: WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO?
Mayor Luke: I —
Me: Did you seriously, after I strongly advised against it, go back to Facebook to leave another comment on a Post-Gazette article? Again sounding like a whining 14-year-old? Again not using proper spelling, punctuation, or grammar?
Me: And did you use the word haters?!
Me: And did you put the word haters inside of unnecessary quotation marks?
Me: Did you actually graduate college?
Me: Is proofreading your kryptonite?
Me: Are you really this out of f–ks?
Me: Did you never learn the difference between its and it’s?
Me: Do you not realize that when reporters ask you if you’re bankrolling anti-Peduto commercials and you don’t respond to them, that when you are finally confirmed as the funder, you don’t get to self-righteously claim that you never tried to hide anything? WHEN YOU ARE THE MAYOR, NOT ANSWERING REPORTERS IS HIDING SOMETHING, STINKBRAIN.
Me: You are still the mayor, you understand that?
Me: You’re still collecting a paycheck, are you not?
Me: THEN YOU HAVE TO WORK. You have to show up. You have to be visible. You, Mayor Luke, HAVE. TO. BE. MAYOR UNTIL THERE IS A NEW MAYOR. You don’t get to say, “I quit, but not like quit quit, because I love my paycheck. So just … you do you and I’ll do me. Holla.”
Me: No. There is no but. YOU HAVE TO BE THE MAYOR. You still have to answer reporters’ questions. You are still accountable.
Me: You do realize, do you not, that you are, at this point in time, political poison? Hemlock. Publicly backing Wagner is not going to help Wagner. It’s going to make people say to themselves, “Do I really want a mayor who Luke Ravenstahl supports?” You should have stayed out of it, if you really want Wagner to win. You should have stayed off Facebook, but you didn’t. And you’ve buried six feet deep any semblance of maturity you ever had.
Me: I know. You deleted it. But Luke, like stupidity, the Internet is forever.
Me: FOR. EVER.
Me: You messed up. Stay off of Facebook. Go to work. Be our mayor. Work on UPMC. Back Wagner quietly lest you poison him. And again, please, I can’t say this enough: stay off of Facebook. Don’t “like.” Don’t “share.” And don’t, for the love of God, “poke.” Take the high road. Act older than 14. Don’t call the P-G a “rag.” Don’t ask them how they publish their paper with a “straight face.” When you’re no longer the mayor, go nuts. Go total batshit Amanda Bynes bonkers. But for now, just be the mayor.
Me: You know I’m right. Or you wouldn’t have deleted it.
Luke: I’m leaving.
Me: There’s the door.
Luke: [walks away]
Me: Oh, and Luke?
Luke: [turns] What?
Me: ELLIPSES ARE NOT PERIODS.
Luke: [storms off]
Me: Don’t be a hater, baby! That’s just church!