Act 12. Scene 5.

roflbot

 (Photo credit: Michael Henninger of the Post-Gazette)

Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.

Mayor Luke: [walks in. Sees me sitting there. Turns to leave.]

Me: WHAT. IN. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. DO?

Mayor Luke: I —

Me: Did you seriously, after I strongly advised against it, go back to Facebook to leave another comment on a Post-Gazette article? Again sounding like a whining 14-year-old? Again not using proper spelling, punctuation, or grammar?

Luke: I–

Me: And did you use the word haters?!

Luke: I–

Me: And did you put the word haters inside of unnecessary quotation marks?

Luke: But–

Me: Did you actually graduate college?

Luke: You–

Me: Is proofreading your kryptonite?

Luke: I–

Me: Are you really this out of f–ks?

Luke: You–

Me: Did you never learn the difference between its and it’s?

Luke: I–

Me: Do you not realize that when reporters ask you if you’re bankrolling anti-Peduto commercials and you don’t respond to them, that when you are finally confirmed as the funder, you don’t get to self-righteously claim that you never tried to hide anything? WHEN YOU ARE THE MAYOR, NOT ANSWERING REPORTERS IS HIDING SOMETHING, STINKBRAIN.

Luke: But–

Me: You are still the mayor, you understand that?

Luke: I–

Me: You’re still collecting a paycheck, are you not?

Luke: Well–

Me: THEN YOU HAVE TO WORK. You have to show up. You have to be visible. You, Mayor Luke, HAVE. TO. BE. MAYOR UNTIL THERE IS A NEW MAYOR. You don’t get to say, “I quit, but not like quit quit, because I love my paycheck. So just … you do you and I’ll do me. Holla.”

Luke: But–

Me: No. There is no but. YOU HAVE TO BE THE MAYOR. You still have to answer reporters’ questions. You are still accountable.

Luke: You–

Me: You do realize, do you not, that you are, at this point in time, political poison? Hemlock. Publicly backing Wagner is not going to help Wagner. It’s going to make people say to themselves, “Do I really want a mayor who Luke Ravenstahl supports?” You should have stayed out of it, if you really want Wagner to win.  You should have stayed off Facebook, but you didn’t. And you’ve buried six feet deep any semblance of maturity you ever had.

Luke: I–

Me: I know. You deleted it. But Luke, like stupidity, the Internet is forever.

Luke: But–

Me: FOR. EVER.

Luke: I–

Me: You messed up. Stay off of Facebook. Go to work. Be our mayor. Work on UPMC. Back Wagner quietly lest you poison him. And again, please, I can’t say this enough: stay off of Facebook. Don’t “like.” Don’t “share.” And don’t, for the love of God, “poke.” Take the high road. Act older than 14. Don’t call the P-G a “rag.” Don’t ask them how they publish their paper with a “straight face.” When you’re no longer the mayor, go nuts. Go total batshit Amanda Bynes bonkers. But for now, just be the mayor.

Luke: You–

Me: You know I’m right. Or you wouldn’t have deleted it.

Luke: I’m leaving.

Me: There’s the door.

Luke: [walks away]

Me: Oh, and Luke?

Luke: [turns] What?

Me: ELLIPSES ARE NOT PERIODS.

Luke: [storms off]

Me: Don’t be a hater, baby! That’s just church!

Fin.





22 Comments

  1. Marcos
    May 1, 2013 9:33 am

    I laughed the entire way…Thanks!!



  2. SteelCityMagnolia
    May 1, 2013 9:35 am

    I saw the story on the news last night that he is the one bankrolling the anti-Peduto spots. I was hoping you’d see it and comment on it, and once again, Ginny, you don’t disappoint!!!

    If he did anything, he succeeded in making himself look extremely petty and childish. If he wants to have a say in who’s mayor now since he dropped out of the race, he can do the same as the rest of us and VOTE for who he thinks the best candidate is. Yep, he really sh!t the nest this time.



  3. Katie
    May 1, 2013 9:42 am

    Whoa, did that really happen? That’s awesome!



  4. Libertarian
    May 1, 2013 9:43 am

    Yawn…resign already.



  5. Scott
    May 1, 2013 9:50 am

    Yawn…..

    Frankly, I found the story today on Bishop Zubik actually thinking him or anyone in the Catholic church has the right to judge, criticize and demand sanctions against someone’s behavior a far more offensive and newsworthy story than this. And, oh yeah…the Pens begin their playoff run tonight!

    Move. On.



  6. Magnus Patris
    May 1, 2013 9:51 am

    I can picture him getting a jelly donut and a chocolate milk; with a little bit of powdered sugar on his upper lip.

    Also, I can see him saying, “I’m BatMayor!”*

    *(c) 2013



  7. Cheryl
    May 1, 2013 9:56 am

    That is the smarmiest photo of Mayor Skippy I have ever seen –makes my skin crawl…



  8. cathy
    May 1, 2013 9:56 am

    Love it! Hard not to vote for Peduto after this… Unless you want the same old – same old in Pittsburgh Politics….



  9. Mollie
    May 1, 2013 10:03 am

    When I saw this on the P-G yesterday, I thought someone was punking the mayor. Surely he wouldn’t rant like this in the comments section of the online newspaper! Alas, it linked back to his personal Facebook page, where I could see that he has done this before.

    Embarassing. For him, and for us.



  10. Jim W
    May 1, 2013 10:16 am

    wait…what did Amanda Bynes do?



  11. tepperway
    May 1, 2013 10:59 am

    it’s okay luke! pull your pullups up! ride this out! man up hommiee, the world is yours!
    call snoop up, ask him to give you a few lines! fo shizzle my nizzle, works well in front of the
    reporters.



  12. Dave
    May 1, 2013 11:18 am

    [standing ovation]

    You reached into my mind and wrote every thought I had after reading that – except you made it funny. Thanks



  13. bluzdude
    May 1, 2013 2:04 pm

    Pittsburgh politics is so entertaining!



  14. Julia
    May 1, 2013 2:09 pm

    There’s only one response I can think of to Ravenstahl’s latest rant:

    SLOW.CLAP.

    Srsly.



  15. Marian Koral
    May 1, 2013 2:37 pm

    Is graduating college like riding someone to work?



  16. Sam's Dog
    May 1, 2013 10:52 pm

    Sh!t The Nest would be a great band name. And oh, how much I wish I could vote in the mayoral election. Or is it amoral?



  17. bucdaddy
    May 2, 2013 1:46 am

    Mayor Porky, judging from the photo.



  18. Miss Britt
    May 2, 2013 10:04 am

    I have to say, Pittsburgh politics have been the biggest surprise since moving here. Reminds me of old Chicago (that I hear about but was much to young to understand.)

    Also, this definitely makes me want to vote for Peduto, and I know nothing about him. (I’m not saying I WILL based on that, just that you’re absolutely right: it’s tempting.)



  19. btezra
    May 2, 2013 12:43 pm

    When will Steelerstahl stop embarrassing this great city we all call home?



  20. Dr Kevlar
    May 2, 2013 8:24 pm

    How surprised/shocked/astounded can we be with the actions of someone who intentionally hired Kevin Quigley to be his Chief of Staff when he was a city councilman and then actually put him in charge of things at the DPW?

    The same mayor whose spokesperson (Ms Doven) had all of the tact of a trained Attack Marmot?

    The same mayor who no one seems to know where he is or what he is doing because, you know, that stuff is all private.