Monthly Archives: July 2013

Stuff I wrote …

(“Not impressed”)

This summer has just been … madness.

I’m eagerly awaiting fall not only because you know how much fall and I are bosom friends, Anne Shirley, but also because then my life will slow down a bit. And I can breathe. And respond to Twitter replies. And stop opening my inbox only to go [retch] and then close it again.

Needless to say, I’m behind. If you’ve emailed me, I suck. If you’ve tweeted at me, I suck. If you’ve said to yourself, “She sucks,” I say to you, “That’s church.”

I’ve written lots of stuff over the summer at my other home, Pittsburgh Magazine, and wanted to be sure you knew about it in case you only visit me here.

1. UPMC banned smoking, on campus and OFF CAMPUS, for all of its employees, and of course the shit hit the fan. My take on it is over here.

Snippet:

And speaking of breaks, let’s not forget the animosity non-smokers often feel as they watch their colleagues take 20-minute smoke breaks four times per work day while the non-smokers are left behind to passive-aggressively stab away at keyboards thinking, “I wonder if the boss would mind if I took four Nutella breaks every damn day.”

Mmmmm, Nutella.

2. I am so effing tired of hearing the word “smoky” to describe Pittsburgh’s recent past, so I wrote a column about what Pittsburgh is NOT. We’re not smoky. We’re not Primanti’s. And three other things we most certainly aren’t.

Snippet:

This isn’t Snake Creek, Okla., where your best bets for diversion include the upending of snoozing bovines or climbing the town’s water tower even though your sheriff cousin expressly forbade you from doing so. Choose to open your eyes to the sporting, cultural and social options available daily. There’s nothing boring about Pittsburgh — except maybe the room at PPG where they watch the paint dry.

3. I love writing the back page for the annual City Guide because it gives me an excuse to spend hours and hours researching Pittsburgh. I came up with seven things I’m almost positive no one single Burgher, except maybe God and Rick Sebak, knew about our city. Let me know how many you knew, and don’t lie, Senor Fuego Pantalones.

>> Back when the Squirrel Hill Tunnels were young, all traffic was stopped as a safety precaution when a gasoline tanker approached. The tanker proceeded through the tunnel completely alone. This happened 1,100 times a month. And you think Parkway East traffic is bad today.

4. Senor Fuego Pantalones would be a super kickass band name. Or Mexican porn star name. Or Anthony Weiner online handle. Or …

5. This amazing building, the old Municipal Hall, used to stand where Saks Fifth Avenue is now, and inside were priceless artifacts that seem to have disappeared, including the first stone ever cut from Western PA onto which Henry Bouquet carved his name way back in the 1700s when the stone was used in the old Fort Pitt redoubt.

pghcityhall

Here’s my column on WHERE THE HELL ARE THOSE ARTIFACTS?!?!

The mystery of the bell seems to have been solved as indicated in this document found by @shadow on Twitter.

Onward to the others.

Someone check Lukey’s office.





Dickering around with a booty call

bootycall2

bootycall

Dear MLB.com, the next time you’re trying to come up with a clever play on words using “booty,” TRY MORE HARDER.

(h/t Michelle)

 





Dear Earth,

This is not “Steel City chic:”

2013-07-22 09.17.46

That’s “Yinzer-Ho Barbie.”

This is Steel City chic:

DailyDuds_July2_4_zps96107595

KTHXBAI.

(h/t @moxiebestos on Twitter)





OMG CODY SIMPSON SQUEEE

Before we head into the weekend, gotta tell you guys that if you don’t have anything to do tomorrow, you’re going to want to spend five bucks to attend the Great American Water Balloon Fight taking place at Highmark Stadium at Station Square.

Listen to this:

— Matt Cooke will be there. THE. COOKIE.

cookiematt

— Team Captains (you can join a team if you want to partake in the war):

captains

— You can choose to buy some water balloons to whip at the teams from the stands, meaning you get to inflict damage without getting wet yourself. That’s pretty badass.

— There will be concerts! Gypsy and His Band of GhostsRed Hands, and Young Fox, then at noon, the headliner will be Jimbo and the Soupbones.

— Jeff Jimerson is singing the National Anthem and spreading his awesomeness all over the place.

jeffjimerson

— Food vendors!

— Kids area full of fun!

— CODY SIMPSON WILL BE THERE. I HAVE NO IDEA WHO CODY SIMPSON IS BUT HE WILL BE THERE AND YOUR TWELVE-YEAR-OLD IS GOING TO FREAK BECAUSE HE IS SUPER FAMOUS APPARENTLY!

cody

I asked my 13-year-old niece to show me a picture of him on her iPhone and the picture she showed me was the most blingee-ed-out bedazzled animated sparkle unicorn exploding heart gif you’ve ever seen.

I guess he’s a big deal.

Anyway, all this is for Haiti. HAITI. Pittsburgh loves Haiti and we’ll always do anything we can for the people of Haiti.

This might be the most fun you’ll ever have helping people in need.

Just be careful if you choose to join the battle. I hear those mothers can HURT.

wut





Because …

… sharks make everything more badass.

Note: you’ll want to read this post first to understand what you’re looking at.

ohshit

 

Thanks to @mrdirby for this awesome Photoshop.