This post is not sponsored. In any way. I support Pittsburghers. Amen.
Words you might say as you knock your coffee onto your laptop (or in my case, your Diet Pepsi onto your HTC Evo 4G suck it Apple I’ll never switch, while eating the best rueben ever at Nadine’s in the South Side end tangent). Or words you might say as you wait for your dog to do his business, but then you probably amend “…already” at the end. Or words you might say as you realize the All-Star Break is fast-approaching, but then you probably amend “…mother—–r” to that.
When you should NOT say “Oh, shit,” is when you are a six-year-old girl on vacation in Mexico with your family, standing in the shallow Gulf when a big (to you) wave approaches. You should not shout with all of your lung-power into your father’s ear with joyous glee, as he holds you firmly against the wave, “Oh, shit!”
Even in Mexico where the stores are filled with raunchy ceramic figurines depicting naked bums, bare boobs, and oral sex, the locals will give you a look if your child screams “Oh, shit!” This isn’t China where unknowing little whippersnappers run around with shirts that say “F–k you” on them. In Mexico, they’ll look at you and mutter very judge-ishly, “Terrible-o parentos con guacamole.” Or something close to that.
We don’t swear in front of our kids. In fact, my daughter whispered to me the other day after spying a Justin Bieber backpack in Marshall’s, “Can I say something that has a bad word in it?” I was curious, so I said, “Whisper it in my ear,” just in case she was about to shout “SHIT ASS HO MOTHERF—–R” right there in a crowded store. Instead she whispered, “[My brother] HATES Justin Bieber.”
Not making that up, Internet. I’m still not sure if she thought “hate” was the bad word or “Bieber” was.
How does a six-year-old learn to say, “Oh, shit?”
Her damn iPad, motherf—–r.
I removed YouTube when I saw her finding Minecraft videos with questionable language. I disabled in-app purchases even though she doesn’t have the password no matter how much she begs. I carefully checked every single app before installing them.
But! But! The iPad was like, “Eff you. We’re going to give this adorable little app called Faces iMake that has a bazillion five star reviews and that is made for preschoolers and we’re going to let it link out to YouTube where your kid will access related homemade Angry Birds and Minecraft videos full of bad words like ‘oh, shit.’ Suck it.”
I have a Pittsburgh point here.
Part of being best friends with Woy, who works (for now until he goes to Google in a few weeks) at Alphalab, is that I get to stop by and meet the local startup tech companies they’ve brought into the fold, and one local company is going to help me and parents all over the world control what our kids see and do on their iPads and iPods and iPhones, and eventually their Android devices.
They research the apps! They’ll tell you if in-app purchases are available! They’ll email you once a week and tell you what your kid downloaded, which games, what they’re rated, and more. They’ll soon be able to let you know if an innocuous app you purchased previously has now become, thanks to updates, malicious and violent (I’m looking at you, Kick the Buddy, who taught my baby girl what an AK-47 is. Bastards.).
If you’ve got kids and you don’t want them shouting “Oh, shit!” while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, check out AppCertain.
And while you’re at it, check out all of the AlphaLab companies. (Pretty sure I’m going to see if local FutureDerm can do anything about my forehead wrinkles with SCIENCE and to see if Woo With Style can once and for all convince my husband that jeans, white socks, and black shoes is a no-no.)
Scroll down through all those local tech companies, and you’ll be amazed at the incredible ideas coming out of Pittsburgh.
Suck it, Portland.