Oh, #*&$.

This post is not sponsored. In any way. I support Pittsburghers. Amen.

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ohshit

“Oh, shit.”

Words you might say as you knock your coffee onto your laptop (or in my case, your Diet Pepsi onto your HTC Evo 4G suck it Apple I’ll never switch, while eating the best rueben ever at Nadine’s in the South Side end tangent). Or words you might say as you wait for your dog to do his business, but then you probably amend “…already” at the end. Or words you might say as you realize the All-Star Break is fast-approaching, but then you probably amend “…mother—–r” to that.

When you should NOT say “Oh, shit,” is when you are a six-year-old girl on vacation in Mexico with your family, standing in the shallow Gulf when a big (to you) wave approaches. You should not shout with all of your lung-power into your father’s ear with joyous glee, as he holds you firmly against the wave, “Oh, shit!”

Even in Mexico where the stores are filled with raunchy ceramic figurines depicting naked bums, bare boobs, and oral sex, the locals will give you a look if your child screams “Oh, shit!” This isn’t China where unknowing little whippersnappers run around with shirts that say “F–k you” on them. In Mexico, they’ll look at you and mutter very judge-ishly, “Terrible-o parentos con guacamole.” Or something close to that.

We don’t swear in front of our kids. In fact, my daughter whispered to me the other day after spying a Justin Bieber backpack in Marshall’s, “Can I say something that has a bad word in it?” I was curious, so I said, “Whisper it in my ear,” just in case she was about to shout “SHIT ASS HO MOTHERF—–R” right there in a crowded store. Instead she whispered, “[My brother] HATES Justin Bieber.”

Not making that up, Internet. I’m still not sure if she thought “hate” was the bad word or “Bieber” was.

How does a six-year-old learn to say, “Oh, shit?”

Her damn iPad, motherf—–r.

I removed YouTube when I saw her finding Minecraft videos with questionable language. I disabled in-app purchases even though she doesn’t have the password no matter how much she begs. I carefully checked every single app before installing them.

But! But! The iPad was like, “Eff you. We’re going to give this adorable little app called Faces iMake that has a bazillion five star reviews and that is made for preschoolers and we’re going to let it link out to YouTube where your kid will access related homemade Angry Birds and Minecraft videos full of bad words like ‘oh, shit.’ Suck it.”

I have a Pittsburgh point here.

Part of being best friends with Woy, who works (for now until he goes to Google in a few weeks) at Alphalab, is that I get to stop by and meet the local startup tech companies they’ve brought into the fold, and one local company is going to help me and parents all over the world control what our kids see and do on their iPads and iPods and iPhones, and eventually their Android devices.

AppCertain! Made right here in Pittsburgh by Pittsburghers, namely computer-genius Spencer Whitman.

They research the apps! They’ll tell you if in-app purchases are available! They’ll email you once a week and tell you what your kid downloaded, which games, what they’re rated, and more. They’ll soon be able to let you know if an innocuous app you purchased previously has now become, thanks to updates, malicious and violent (I’m looking at you, Kick the Buddy, who taught my baby girl what an AK-47 is. Bastards.).

If you’ve got kids and you don’t want them shouting “Oh, shit!” while swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, check out AppCertain.

And while you’re at it, check out all of the AlphaLab companies. (Pretty sure I’m going to see if local FutureDerm can do anything about my forehead wrinkles with SCIENCE and to see if Woo With Style can once and for all convince my husband that jeans, white socks, and black shoes is a no-no.)

Scroll down through all those local tech companies, and you’ll be amazed at the incredible ideas coming out of Pittsburgh.

Yes, Pittsburgh.

Suck it, Portland.





16 Comments

  1. Marcy
    July 2, 2013 11:31 am

    Ah, my (now 14 year old) daughter’s “Oh, Shit” moment came when she was three – her Happy Meal toy spun right off the table and hit the wall in a crowded McDonald’s and she, loudly,. proclaimed her displeasure with that event, much to the delight of the teenagers seated all around us. I don’t know whether to feel worse that she picked up my salty language so early or that I (back then) fed her Happy Meals.



  2. Beth
    July 2, 2013 11:36 am

    OH SHIT, look at that BEAUTIFUL water!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



  3. AngryMongo
    July 2, 2013 11:37 am

    My five year old is addicted to Minecraft and loves to watch videos on YouTube…

    oh, sh….



  4. mindybakes
    July 2, 2013 11:48 am

    My nephews, 13 & 12, have been playing this app that basically gives them a hundred different ways to murder this poor stuffed animal thing. Like with a blowtorch, moltov cocktails, AK-47, arrows, drowning, beating… The goal of the game is to do as much mortal damage as possible in the shortest amount of time.

    Granted, I am not a parent, but that just seems like an awful thing for them to play. I think it is twisted & I have been an avid Grand Theft Auto player for years. And I’m 36.

    I dont get it. And am quite thankful that I don’t have to monitor all that stuff for kids. High Five to the parents that do :)



    • Virginia
      July 2, 2013 11:50 am

      Mindy, THAT’s Kick the Buddy!

      It honestly started out as quite tame, then with each upgrade it got more and more violent. So mention it to their parents. They might not be aware of how violent it became.

      I had to delete it, it got so bad.



      • mindybakes
        July 2, 2013 11:56 am

        I did! Sister looked at me like I was nuts because it’s a cartoon. I told her I saw this episode of Law & Order & the kid didnt get off with the cartoon defense!

        I was stunned. Like the kind of stunned I was when my then 8-year old cousin ran up to me and said ‘Hey Mindy! I just killed a hooker and took all of her money!’ at a family gathering bc his dad bought him GTA Vice City without even LOOKING at what the game actually was. For the record I opened my mouth then, too, and the game was returned. Of course after he chewed out some poor clerk about letting him buy such a game for his kid. *shrug* I did my part!



  5. Sooska
    July 2, 2013 1:28 pm

    My daughter’s first [known] swear word was at about 15 months when she said “sonovabitch” in context while trying to put her magnetic refrigerator letters in a perfectly straight line. When she’d touch both ends at once the middle letter would pop out of lone, frustrating her inner tendency of OCD. She got the context right. How? We aren’t sure. She talked at 9 months – her 3rd word was “calculator” so while WE were REAL careful, most adults who didn’t think a baby could talk like a 6 YO at that age weren’t careful. at all. Oh shit…



  6. Pingback: Because … | That's Church

  7. bluzdude
    July 2, 2013 4:25 pm

    Once, my brother was on the phone with his wife and overheard this exchange between her and their 5-year old:

    Wife: Leave the door alone!
    4-Year old: Screw the door! (He then ran and hid under his bed.)

    I at least had to give him points for usage.



  8. Pensgirl
    July 3, 2013 1:14 am

    My old boss came into work one day and told us that the previous evening as he began turning into a parking space, a car pulled through from the other side and almost hit them, causing his then-3YO son to exclaim “F—ing people!” Neither my boss nor his wife tended to speak that way in the first place, let alone around their kid, so he was baffled as to where his son picked up the phrase. But he did confess “I don’t want him learning or using that language, but I’m kind of proud that at least he’s smart enough to use it correctly!”



  9. WI Mom
    July 3, 2013 12:36 pm

    Off topic- but is the bandwagon starting to inch of it’s hiding place yet? I wil be holding my breath until after the All Star game and we see what happens.



  10. Dave
    July 3, 2013 1:32 pm

    Jeans with white socks and black shoes is a no-no? I wear that every Friday at work.



  11. facie
    July 3, 2013 9:01 pm

    Bwah-ha-ha-ha! Thanks for the laugh.



  12. bucdaddy
    July 5, 2013 11:01 am

    Bucdaughter would roll her eyes.

    “Dad, I go to school. I know all the words.”

    When I was a boy, I casually called my sister a “little prick.” What was the big deal? I’d heard my grandfather say that.

    Is washing out mouths with soap still a thing, or would somebody call CPS on you now? Because soap tastes terrible, and I don’t think I’ve ever called anyone a prick since, little or otherwise (and if anyone wants to call me a prick, I hope they have the decency to at least call me a big prick).



  13. Minecraft Video
    July 5, 2013 7:02 pm

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