More specifically, let’s talk about boobs.
Let’s talk about bosoms, Anne Shirley.
But first, let’s talk about truths.
Cold hard facts that you cannot dispute no matter how loudly you scream from the mountaintop and thump your chest and sic your lawyer:
1. In the human race, there are two genders; there are males and there are females and they are different physically, particularly in their “sexual organs.” It is this difference in sexual organs that makes one choose M or F on every doctor form. Every hospital will choose M or F based on those sexual organs. Of course, there are those who later in life will use surgery to change from an M to an F or from an F to an M, but even then, always there will be an M or an F. There is no G. No P. No X.
M or F.
2. For both Ms and Fs, female breasts are “sexual organs” in our culture and if you don’t agree with that, then you’ve clearly never had good sex, you poor thing. Even if you’re a gay male who has never had sex with a woman, you know that female breasts are sexual.
3. Hi, Dad!
4. Supply and demand is a time-proven economic truth. So is the law of diminishing marginal utility, as in the first sip of coffee is the most useful, most delicious when compared to the twentieth sip of coffee, which is more useful and delicious than the 50th sip.
5. Pigeons are the very spawn of Satan and when their Beelzebub 2.0 operating software gets a virus, bad shit happens.
Would you like to try to refute any of those facts? Have I written anything that is untrue?
Good. Let’s continue.
So there’s this:
Pittsburgh officials are mulling the legality of a rally planned by a group that hopes to celebrate Women’s Equality Day by having women march topless alongside men in bikinis.
The organizers of GoTopless.org tell the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review they believe it’s unfair that women cannot be topless in public while men can.
“Some people might think this is a silly protest, but we need to start somewhere,” Newman said. “There is no equal right less important than the other. I’m not saying you should walk through the grocery store without your top on, but if it’s legal for men, it should be legal for women, too.”
There is no equal right less important than the other?!
Does she actually believe that nonsense? Yes, Ms. Newman, the right to vote, the right to marry freely, and the right to equal pay are TEN BAZILLION TRILLION KAZILLION TIMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR RIGHT TO FLASH YOUR BOOBIES WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.
Life is full of injustices and inequality in gender, race, religion, sexual preference, etc. and you choose to hang your hat on the BOOBIES FOR ALL hook?
Not the equal pay hook? Not the equality in marriage hook? But the BOOBIES FOR ALL HOOK?!
That’s like looking at a starving dog and going, “I’m going to talk to the police about this dog’s owner NOT BRUSHING HIS HAIR REGULARLY. Look at those knots.”
Here’s why women’s boobs should stay covered unless they are feeding a newborn or sunning themselves on a nudity-allowed beach:
1. Boobs are sexual. Our culture recognizes this.
A similar rally planned in Asheville, N.C. last August drew hundreds of people, instead of thousands expected by organizers, and only about a dozen women willing to go topless.
Why did 100 men show up to look at 24 boobs? Because boobs are sexual and sexual things should be covered because …
2. They are awesome and looking at boobs in the flesh all the time in our daily lives will erase some of their awesomeness. This is supply and demand. You cannot argue against the law of supply and demand. It’s in the Bible somewhere after the book of Nutellesis but before the book of Wineronomy.
3. Now of course the men joke, “Hey, now this is an equal right I can really get behind! Where can I get a ‘Free the Boobies’ shirt, bumper sticker, iPhone cover, and hi-res computer wallpaper?”
But men, you think boobs won’t eventually lose some of their awesomeness if they are regularly exposed and desexualized? Have you never heard of the law of diminishing marginal utility? The first look at boobs is a million times better than the millionth look at a boob.
More importantly, HAVE YOU NEVER OPENED A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE IN YOUR LIFE? There are tribes of men who look at boobs every day and go, “Meh. Whose turn is it to kill dinner and shrink the heads?”
4. I’m all for boobs in art and boobs in movies and boobs in sex (Hiya, Dad!) and boobs in sculpture and boobs on the ceiling of the Byham and BOOBS GLORIOUS BOOBS! — which is going on my gravestone — but fighting to make it legal to walk down Grant Street with your boobs hanging out just because it’s okay for men WHO DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE BOOBS (mostly) to do so, while women all over America make less in pay than their equal male counterparts?