Let’s talk about sex, bay-bee.

More specifically, let’s talk about boobs.

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Breasts.

Let’s talk about bosoms, Anne Shirley.

But first, let’s talk about truths.

Cold hard facts that you cannot dispute no matter how loudly you scream from the mountaintop and thump your chest and sic your lawyer:

1. In the human race, there are two genders; there are males and there are females and they are different physically, particularly in their “sexual organs.” It is this difference in sexual organs that makes one choose M or F on every doctor form. Every hospital will choose M or F based on those sexual organs. Of course, there are those who later in life will use surgery to change from an M to an F or from an F to an M, but even then, always there will be an M or an F. There is no G. No P. No X.

M or F.

Pick one.

2. For both Ms and Fs, female breasts are “sexual organs” in our culture and if you don’t agree with that, then you’ve clearly never had good sex, you poor thing. Even if you’re a gay male who has never had sex with a woman, you know that female breasts are sexual. 

3. Hi, Dad!

4. Supply and demand is a time-proven economic truth. So is the law of diminishing marginal utility, as in the first sip of coffee is the most useful, most delicious when compared to the twentieth sip of coffee, which is more useful and delicious than the 50th sip.

5. Pigeons are the very spawn of Satan and when their Beelzebub 2.0 operating software gets a virus, bad shit happens.

Would you like to try to refute any of those facts? Have I written anything that is untrue?

Good.  Let’s continue.

So there’s this:

Pittsburgh officials are mulling the legality of a rally planned by a group that hopes to celebrate Women’s Equality Day by having women march topless alongside men in bikinis.

The organizers of GoTopless.org tell the Pittsburgh Tribune-Review they believe it’s unfair that women cannot be topless in public while men can.

Furthermore:

Some people might think this is a silly protest, but we need to start somewhere,” Newman said. “There is no equal right less important than the other. I’m not saying you should walk through the grocery store without your top on, but if it’s legal for men, it should be legal for women, too.”

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There is no equal right less important than the other?!

Does she actually believe that nonsense? Yes, Ms. Newman, the right to vote, the right to marry freely, and the right to equal pay are TEN BAZILLION TRILLION KAZILLION TIMES MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR RIGHT TO FLASH YOUR BOOBIES WHENEVER YOU FEEL LIKE IT.

Life is full of injustices and inequality in gender, race, religion, sexual preference, etc. and you choose to hang your hat on the BOOBIES FOR ALL hook?

Not the equal pay hook? Not the equality in marriage hook? But the BOOBIES FOR ALL HOOK?!

That’s like looking at a starving dog and going, “I’m going to talk to the police about this dog’s owner NOT BRUSHING HIS HAIR REGULARLY. Look at those knots.”

Here’s why women’s boobs should stay covered unless they are feeding a newborn or sunning themselves on a nudity-allowed beach:

1. Boobs are sexual. Our culture recognizes this.

A similar rally planned in Asheville, N.C. last August drew hundreds of people, instead of thousands expected by organizers, and only about a dozen women willing to go topless.

Why did 100 men show up to look at 24 boobs? Because boobs are sexual and sexual things should be covered because …

2. They are awesome and looking at boobs in the flesh all the time in our daily lives will erase some of their awesomeness. This is supply and demand. You cannot argue against the law of supply and demand. It’s in the Bible somewhere after the book of Nutellesis but before the book of Wineronomy.

3. Now of course the men joke, “Hey, now this is an equal right I can really get behind! Where can I get a ‘Free the Boobies’ shirt, bumper sticker, iPhone cover, and hi-res computer wallpaper?”

But men, you think boobs won’t eventually lose some of their awesomeness if they are regularly exposed and desexualized? Have you never heard of the law of diminishing marginal utility? The first look at boobs is a million times better than the millionth look at a boob.

More importantly, HAVE YOU NEVER OPENED A NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC MAGAZINE IN YOUR LIFE? There are tribes of men who look at boobs every day and go, “Meh. Whose turn is it to kill dinner and shrink the heads?”

4. I’m all for boobs in art and boobs in movies and boobs in sex (Hiya, Dad!) and boobs in sculpture and boobs on the ceiling of the Byham and BOOBS GLORIOUS BOOBS! — which is going on my gravestone — but fighting to make it legal to walk down Grant Street with your boobs hanging out just because it’s okay for men WHO DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE BOOBS (mostly) to do so, while women all over America make less in pay than their equal male counterparts?

STFD.

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29 Comments

  1. Sara
    August 19, 2013 3:16 pm

    Unrelated to actual post, but AJ Burnett FTW. I love him so much.



  2. Melissa
    August 19, 2013 3:21 pm

    Why do men have nipples?



    • bucdaddy
      August 20, 2013 1:20 pm

      You think you’re the only ones who like to have them twiddled and sucked?

      I don’t know why we have ’em but I’m glad we do.



  3. Laura
    August 19, 2013 3:29 pm

    As a woman I can honestly say I do not want to see other women’s boobs as I am walking around town. I got a pair of my own and I am perfectly content with seeing them when I change my clothes, take a shower, have sex, (Hi Ginny’s Dad!) and in the c fort of my own home. Plus my husband is proprietary about them. I married him, so they are for him to see not the dood down the block.

    Besides its bad enough seeing some women’s boobs with their ill fitting clothes and ill fitting bras on as it is.

    I say this is so UNimportant.



  4. Magnus Patris
    August 19, 2013 3:49 pm

    Did you ever notice that the people who want to walk around with no shirt on are the ones you totally DON’T want to see shirtless? That’s why as a fat guy; at the pool, the beach, cutting the grass, etc., I keep my shirt on. You’re welcome.



    • Eric Williams
      August 20, 2013 11:06 am

      I thank you for that, just as I’m sure other people are thankful my bleach-white flabbiness is hidden from the public unless I’m swimming.



    • SteelCityMagnolia
      August 20, 2013 11:27 am

      A.MEN.

      My theory is that the only people who want to parade nekkid boobs ’round town are the people who should NEVER parade ANYTHING nekkid ANYWHERE.



  5. red pen mama
    August 19, 2013 3:58 pm

    Seriously, I think there are some men we should require cover up.

    Also: please emphasize that boobies feeding babies are not, in fact, being sexual. They are being utilitarian, are, in fact, being what God invented them for. God did not invent boobs for selling beer or motorboating; He (or She) Invented them for feeding babies. And sex (hi, Ginny’s Dad!).



    • ErieSteelerFan
      August 19, 2013 4:11 pm

      While God may not have invented boobs for selling beer or motorboating, theories of evolution indicate that they were ‘invented’ for purposes other than breastfeeding.



      • red pen mama
        August 20, 2013 11:28 am

        Yeah, that’s where the “and sex” part comes in.



        • MattDC
          September 1, 2013 7:46 pm

          On behalf of all of us Ginney’s Dads out there, enough of this sex talk, young ladies. We don’t know where our wonderful grandchildren came from and we don’t want to think about it. So clean up your act or I’ll force the grandkids to watch multiple viewings of Miley Cyrus at the MVAs and tell them to ask mom about the foam finger.

          BTW, boobs may not have been invented to sell beer, but they seem to have been pretty successful in that enterprise.



    • Eric Williams
      August 20, 2013 11:02 am

      Perhaps a more nuanced way of putting it would be to say that the primary function of breasts is for the feeding of young, and their pleasurable attributes are secondary. That’s not to say that secondary functions are unimportant or irrelevant. Indeed, our evolutionary drive to ogle breasts is no doubt connected to a programmed desire to find healthy mates capable of producing healthy progeny.



      • red pen mama
        August 20, 2013 11:29 am

        Dude, you managed to make boobs sound kind of boring. ;)



        • Eric Williams
          August 20, 2013 11:33 am

          My mind is a battleground for animalistic urges and rational observation. I often find myself wondering what the appeals of various physical attributes are. I also wonder what other cultures find attractive that we would find bizarre or repulsive.

          Put another way, I often find myself unable to explain why boobs *shoudn’t* be boring. ;)



          • red pen mama
            August 20, 2013 1:53 pm

            “My mind is a battleground for animalistic urges and rational observation.” So, you’re human then. Good to know.

            ;-)



            • Eric Williams
              August 20, 2013 3:33 pm

              Seems to me an awful lot of people just give in to satisfying base instincts and live rather primitive and unreflective lives. Ever see the movie Idiocracy? ;)



  6. Ketchup is a veggie
    August 19, 2013 4:00 pm

    I don’t even want to see men without a shirt on. Unless you’re Hugh Jackman about to morph into Wolverine there is no reason for anyone to be walking around shirtless. Isn’t this why we spend so much time shopping? I spend way to much time obsessing about clothes to chuck them off to walk around without them on.



    • Twinmamateb
      August 19, 2013 4:26 pm

      Agreed! I think both sexes need to cover up- I never ever want to see any man except my husband without a shirt on. Skinny OR fat. Just ew. This goes for Facebook, in public, on twitter and instagram. Stop it.



  7. HongKongGrandma
    August 19, 2013 5:34 pm

    Supply and Demand: I am reminded of a friend who hit the Paris nightclub circuit in the 1960s and returning home said, “I’ve seen so many naked boobs that I’m not interested in a woman unless she has 3 of them.”



  8. Janelle
    August 19, 2013 6:54 pm

    Interestingly enough, Germany just added an option on birth certificates for a third gender: http://www.nydailynews.com/life-style/health/germany-gender-birth-certificates-article-1.1430859

    The main argument I’ve heard for this is that breasts were made sexual by society and aren’t inherently sexual, which kind of makes sense, but I still can’t fully get behind this. I mean, it’s not like anyone’s out there fighting for the right to wear assless chaps in public…that I know of.



    • Suzie-Q
      August 19, 2013 7:26 pm

      Anthropologically speaking……in many cultures breasts are simply for feeding babies….as the women in many of these cultures go “shirtless” as it is simply the norm. Of course, much of their clothing is also very different than what we wear.

      I can think of about a thousand other ways to argue for women’s equality…..I believe this is more about cultural perspectives than anything else…

      Just my two cents…..and keeping it safe since I know Ginny’s dad is reading this…LOL



  9. steelertom
    August 20, 2013 2:53 am

    What do breasts and toy trains have in common?

    Both are designed for children,……. however it’s usually men that end up playing with them…

    Did I make my point?
    I sincerely hope no one was offended by the above….
    I’m no liberal, I’m not a conservative either
    I’m a moderate and I agree with Ginny



  10. SupThere
    August 20, 2013 9:22 am

    The event page for it on Facebook should be renamed to SausageFest. Loads of men… probably a 30 to 1 ratio. Who would have guessed…..



  11. @DaveMinella
    August 20, 2013 9:36 am

    red pen mama totally wins the comment section by commenting about motorboating. And, I agree with Twinmamateb, Magnus Patris et al; we need to be encouraging less people to go shirtless, not more.



  12. Shaun
    August 20, 2013 9:43 am

    If this were March I’d say, “Erin Go Braless”!



  13. bucdaddy
    August 20, 2013 1:18 pm

    I have never, ever seen anyone shirtless in a grocery store. You kidding? There’s a frozen foods aisle there and it’s bad enough pushing the buggy through it in sandals.

    And restaurants. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone shirtless in a restaurant. There’s a reason they have the signs that say, “No shoes, no shirt, no service,” because, DUH, the sizzlin’ fajita platter.

    I like my nips, I treat them well and I intend to keep them.

    I’ll tell what I DO see: I live in a college town and in the winter it is not at all uncommon to see Fs toddling down the street as fast as they can in their hooker heels, wearing tiny little tops and skirts cut an inch below the hoo-ha, with their arms wrapped around themselves because they are freezing to death, while their Mfriends walk next to to them wearing parkas and ski hats.

    I bring this up to make the point that some Fs are F-ing idiots. Like the one in your post.



  14. Akirah
    August 20, 2013 2:27 pm

    A reply to your first five points…one that is unrelated to the rest of the post…

    My best friend recently shared with me language she feels best describes her gender. It was a little complicated, but it boils down to she does not identify as male or female. So though we may feel like it’s easy to pick a gender, I suppose for some, it’s not that easy or necessarily. I say this not to refute your 5 statements as facts, but just to offer another perspective…one that I realize is not incredibly relevant to your main point…but still exists, nonetheless.



  15. Bram R
    August 20, 2013 9:03 pm

    As soon as you got to the part about “diminishing marginal utility,” I thought to myself, “Aw, why is she so self-conscious about her boobs?” :p

    We could all do with de-stigmatizing our sexual organs and their attendant curves and lines, and in so doing make them a little more ordinary and boring. We’d probably live longer. And freedom of expression is pretty high up there among rights, relatively speaking, there shouldn’t be too much of a need to go any more specific. Boobs are impactful but they’re not quite “Fire in a crowded theater.”