What They’re Really Thinking: Burst Bubble Edition

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What a steaming pile of maggot-covered dog poop sitting on a giant mountain of worm-riddled elephant feces.

That is to say … PEE. EWE.

Don’t think I’ll be writing a WTRT for every Steelers game this season, but how could I not write one about the worst Steelers game in recent memory?

Injuries, stupid coaching decisions (have we come up with the new “Fire Bruce Arians” yet for Haley? Let’s get on that.), and just plain forgetting the basics of the game of football was the “Steelers Way” yesterday afternoon.

And with the score sitting at 2-0 for a good portion of the game, and then the Steelers being held to those two dismal points right up until late in the game. Two points.

Two.

It was an awful game to watch.

Let’s talk shitty football.

1. Pregame. Football’s back in town. Everyone is feeling good. Pittsburghers are preparing their food spreads and checking their Steelers-heavy fantasy teams. Dan Rooney is optimistic. So is the lady photobombing him.

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She is ready! She is personifying Steeler Nation Enthusiasm and Optimism! She would photobomb the President if given the chance! Thumbs up!

Even Jesus is there! What could go wrong with Jesus on hand?

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We are excited and hopeful and on top of the world!

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2. And then the game started and what’s this?

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We are freaking out. The Steelers are back. The Steel Curtain is back. The dismal preseason record really DID mean nothing.

Terrible Towels are being whipped into such a frenzy, Scott Harbaugh takes to the air with a breaking report:

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3.  And then…

And then…

And then…

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4.First, injuries.

We lost Hernandez-BFF Pouncey for the season because DeCastro took him out.

DeCastro is a Steeler.

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We lost Foote for the season.

We lost Stevens-Howling for the season.

Sean Suisham pulled a hammy in pregame warmups.

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5. After scoring those two points, the Steelers forgot how to football.

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6. Redman?

Redman fumbled the ball 300 times, and got so confused he even tried basketball with it.

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7. Coaching? Now, you know here in Pittsburgh we love our coaches when they’re winning and we hate their faces and their guts and their mothers when they’re losing, but I’m going to go ahead and go on the record that yesterday’s coaching was a giant EFF MINUS.

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(source)

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That’s right. Mike Tomlin called a timeout with two seconds to go until the two-minute warning.

Stunned

Try for a thousand years and you’ll never wrap your head around it.

8.  Troysus was decent and he did that Superman/Jesus thing where he times the snap count perfectly and unleashes hell.

And … and … I’ve already run out of good things to say.

9. Even the fans forgot how to be fans.

This lady was so out of it by the time the Steelers finally got a touchdown that she was TWIRLING HER WATER BOTTLE.

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Watch the video here and see her at the :17 second mark.

SHE’S TWIRLING IT, YOU GUYS.

The STEELERS BROKE THE FANS.

10. It sucked and there’s a really good chance this whole season is going to suck now that our team is depleted with injuries and the guys who are left … kinda suck. And the coaches suck.

Suck.

God help us next week when we play the Bengals and James Harrison.

He is going to hand us our ass with a big fat “f–k you” stapled to it.

Let us pray.

11. Meanwhile, over at PNC Park …

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(Matt Freed/P-G source)

[headdesk]





23 Comments

  1. bucdaddy
    September 9, 2013 11:44 am

    Funny as always.

    Two things:

    1) There was another team on the field. Maybe that team is pretty good?

    2) It won’t kill Steelers fans if the team sucks for a while. I’m a Pirates fan and I’m proof.



  2. MattDC
    September 9, 2013 11:45 am

    And here I was thinking the only good thing in your review was avoiding mention of the pathetic Pirates’ weekend. Then I got to the end.

    Thank God the Pens weren’t playing yesterday.



  3. jann
    September 9, 2013 12:12 pm

    Oh Thank you Thank you for this!!
    You are the bright spot in all this mess. I am sitting at my desk eating lunch so I can have a little piece and quiet. When I saw you had posted this I let out a little giggle to myself and knew I was in for a real treat. I won’t even need dessert now!

    Thank you!
    p.s. The Golden Girls bubble burst was my favorite part!



  4. Leslie in Dayton
    September 9, 2013 12:38 pm

    Thank you for posting a WTRT! I was really hoping you would. :)
    Love the Skippy Skeeve photo.



  5. LeeInIrwin
    September 9, 2013 12:55 pm

    Is that Dr. Bailey (Grey’s Anatomy) doing the photo bombing? The Steelers could have used one of her no nonsense get-your-shit-together tirades…..



    • LeeInIrwin
      September 9, 2013 12:57 pm

      BTW, thanks for the always funny WTRT. I think this is one of the fastest postings you have done- you must have really been fired up!



  6. Johnk
    September 9, 2013 1:20 pm

    We will be rebuilding for a long time.



  7. Pensgirl
    September 9, 2013 2:18 pm

    Ginny, the problem with a WTRT like this is it’s so damn good it makes me kind of like it when we lose in the most disastrous of ways. I DON’T WANT TO LIKE LOSING, WOMAN.

    As far as the “game” goes, all I can say is when Redman fumbled the first time I swtiched my TV over to Redzone, and at no time when they aired it there did I think about switching back. Sometimes you just know. (Even that safety…I mean, it’s awfully generous to talk about it as the STEELERS scoring. We simply benefitted from Titanian ineptitude*.)

    *”Titanian ineptitude” copyright Pensgirl, 2013.



  8. Butcher's Dog
    September 9, 2013 2:28 pm

    The timeout with two seconds before the warning meant another play, and they had to score twice to tie. What happened after that was pathetic, of course, but the timeout made good sense to me.

    Of course, I had watched the Bucs all weekend, too, so anything might have made sense at that point.

    Hockey season starts soon, folks. Hold on!



    • Ted
      September 9, 2013 5:07 pm

      Thank goodness, I wasn’t the only one. I thought I was taking crazy pills when I read that part of the critique.



  9. Gutshot
    September 9, 2013 2:43 pm

    Maybe Bubby Brister is available?



  10. Cathy
    September 9, 2013 3:53 pm

    THANK YOU!!! This totally made my day and I’d LOVE to see WTRT more often…oh please!!!! I gotz bribes!!



  11. Ginny's Dad
    September 9, 2013 6:29 pm

    I am changing my prediction of an 8-8 record. I now see 5-11 in our future, but don’t ask me to name the 5 teams we are going to beat. I don’t know if we can even beat the Browns. I now think that Tomlin’s Super Bowl victory was a fluke. Do you think Tony Dungy would come out of retirement to coach his old team?



  12. LisaB
    September 9, 2013 8:41 pm

    I really, Really, REALLY hope I’m wrong here…
    but I think the Brownies are going to wipe the field with us this year.
    Now please excuse me while I go beat myself up like Dobby the house-elf, for talking smack on my team.



  13. Vivian
    September 10, 2013 2:13 pm

    I have no words. I actually got a headache while watching that game. :’-(