The Pirates are going to the playoffs. [thud]

If you’re one of those people who reads my stuff here but doesn’t click over to read my stuff at the magazine … WHY?

Do you think I don’t bring my snark over there? I do. The only thing I don’t bring over there is my foul mouth.

I wrote about the Pirates clinching a playoff spot.

Man.

The word clinching and the word Pirates and it’s not about them clinching a losing season.

As I was saying, I wrote about the clinch. I wrote about how I felt and how I acted and what it meant and what it means and I even did some amazing math using Roberto’s numbers and Neil Walker’s numbers to predict that Neil Walker is going to do something epic in October.

MATH DOESN’T LIE, YOU GUYS.

So if there’s anything I’ve ever written over at the magazine, this is the one I want you to go read, because I’ve been writing it in my head for two decades.

Here’s a snippet of a post I originally wrote for That’s Church, but decided to delete two swear words and share it with all of Pittsburgh via my blog at Pittsburgh Magazine:

I believed the curse. I did.

It took me about 17 years of futility, but I started to believe it. It went beyond poor management and the constant swapping of good working parts for cheap replacements in the ironic name of “rebuilding.” Something bigger was at work here, I told myself. It had to be.

So when my husband came to me a few weeks ago and said he had received the postseason ticket-order form and that he was getting ready to send our money in, I said, “Wait.”

Wait.

WAIT JUST ONE SECOND, YOU BEAUTIFUL MEXICAN SON OF A —

I put my hand on his shoulder and said quite seriously — and if I’m making this up, may a pigeon snuggle with me every night for the rest of my days — “If you send that money in, we won’t make the postseason. BUT! … ”

My eyes were wide and maniacal now.

“… If you DON’T send that money in, we’ll probably win the World Series!”

I arched my eyebrows and flashed a maniacal, toothy smile like Lady Elaine Fairchilde after botched botox. I had become more superstitious than Sidney Crosby at 8:07 on Aug. 7.

He looked at me like I had just asked him to adopt a gaggle of baby pigeons. (So fluffy, honey!)

And then he sent the money in.
 


I not only believed in the curse, but I also believed a savior would come to save us from it.

Please. Go read the rest. 

Read about how I feel about Mark Appel [patooie!] and whether or not the Bucs should have celebrated the way they did last night (spoiler alert: HELL YES).

And most importantly … go see the math.

MATH!

Now, let’s go, Bucs!

P.S. At some point this week, I’m going to mine my eight years of archives and pull up my favorite Pirates posts so we can relive all the drama. It will be legendary to revisit lines like this:

Apparently what happened, you guys, is that Nate McLouth started sucking upon his departure from the Pirates, which is unusual because when players leave the Pirates, they often start playing their Best Baseball Ever. “I’m HEALED!” That’s Satan.

Granted we got Charlie Morton in the McLouth trade, and depending on the month, that makes you either say, “Best trade ever!” or “God. Charlie Morton is a black hole of suck that is sucking more suck into its gaping abyss-like hole of suck.”

Hah. Man.

More soon. For now, go read.

Group hug. 





4 Comments

  1. Ginny's Dad
    September 24, 2013 9:48 pm

    I don’t know how far they will go in the playoffs, but this team has heart and character. This was evident by the way they bounced back after two late inning losses in the past week.

    Interesting story about Neil Walker’s father. You probably know this, but Clemente’s middle name is Walker. Maybe Neil will hit a Mazeroski-like homer in the 7th game of the World Series. Maz was also a 2nd baseman. Destiny?



  2. Jim
    September 25, 2013 8:50 am

    I’m one of them! I’m one of the no clicky people! BUT…I purposely didn’t read your snippet because I will now click the link and READ!!

    Historic reasons why I don’t click over and read (historic because THIS. ENDS. NOW.):

    1) I read a lot of blogs, and often feel just guilty enough about reading blogs all day at work that the line I draw in the sand is “don’t link to other stuff”. That makes me feel like I’m being a good employee when I move on to the next blog.

    2) Some of the blogs I read are monetized…and the links are crap. Like imagine this comment right now, and the word “crap” is underlined and i’m like…huh, I wonder what funny thing this is linked to and I’ll click it and it will take me to a Port-a-John rental company or something and I’m like, “Noooooooo!” So I usually don’t click them.

    3) Some of the blogs I read feel like in order to convey the PERFECT meaning of today’s post I must FIRST read the blog that was posted 6 months ago when he/she said…”this could happen” which led to TODAY’s post in which it happened, and for further reading about what this could mean, I should read THIS OTHER post which explains in exhaustive detail the potential impact of “this thing that could happen” (complete with a link back to the post about the thing possibly happening). It’s exhausting.

    So I see links and my brain just…skitters over them. But now I know.

    *clicks link*



  3. bluzdude
    September 25, 2013 10:20 am

    I’m still holding out hope that the Buccos can take the division. The tension involved with a one-game “win or go home” playoff will be off-the-charts. You know, for baseball. It’s routine with football, but one bad pitch, funky hop or incorrect call can foul a baseball game.



  4. Suzie-Q
    September 26, 2013 1:19 am

    Hate to be a buzz kill…but who in the heck has to clean up the mess in the locker room when these guys celebrate like this??? OK…on to the celebrating…GO BUCCOS!!! Love the blog and ALWAYS read your columns in Pittsburgh Magazine…..