Oh, I’ll never forget that post where I blew the bandwagon up back in 2010.
On this the eve of the Pirates’ first postseason game in 20 years, I went through my Buccos posts from 2006 to 2012 (not 2009, as my blog was shuttered for most of that year) and found for each year a snippet representing my feelings at the beginning of the season versus my feelings at later in the season. It’s an interesting look at one fan’s fluctuating and oftentimes tense relationship with the Pittsburgh Pirates.
April 11, 2006: “PittGirl reviews Opening Day 2006”
Maybe the Pirates would do a little better if they weren’t so damn scared of the ball.
July 12, 2006: “Dear Bud Selig”
How can we expect different results if the Pirates keep doing things the same way? This town could be a baseball town. Know how I know? Because of the lump that rose in my throat and lots of Burghers’ throats when the cheers rose up for Jason Bay and Freddy Sanchez during player introductions last night. We want to cheer for the Pirates. We want to be proud of them. Yesterday, we finally got a little taste of what it’s like to be proud of the Pirates. We liked it. We loved it. We want more of it. Let that put you, Kevin, and all those Nuttings on notice that we’ve had damn enough of this shittastic management. We’ve had it up to here with all the commitment and desperation and determination. We want some freaking results.
February 21, 2007: “What they’re really thinking: Spring training edition”
The Pirates are in Florida for spring training, hoping that this is the year they turn this team around … any way they can, including embracing Eastern philosophies.
July 25, 2007: “Losers”
The only way the Pirates will see first place any time soon is if they are there to clean First Place’s house or maybe mow its lawn. And even then, First Place would be like, “Please don’t make eye contact with me or speak directly to me unless I speak to you first, you loser.”
February 21, 2008: “Random n’at”
While we sit here trying to unfreeze our snots, the Pirates are down there in Florida … hopefully working their asses off. Burghers, looking at this picture of Freddy Sanchez at camp. I don’t know. It does something to me. It’s making me look forward to baseball season. Like maybe this will be the year? Is it too much to hope? They can’t lose forever can they?
September 15, 2008: “A Light in the suck”
This damn-giving. It is a beautiful thing on Dougie and for that I shall apologize to him for turning my back on him and the team and I will promise him that from now on, I will once again place myself in front of my television so that I can witness those few small moments of shining awesome that we’re fortunate to find hiding within the giant mass of sucking suck.
March 13, 2010: “The mumble-mumble pep talk of the year”
This is me, walking up and down the line, looking each of you in the eye and saying, “Who gives a crap what the editor of a golf magazine thinks about you? Golf isn’t even a sport. I mean, John Daly played professional golf as a 400-lb alcoholic. Your mother plays golf. Your grandmother plays golf. Let’s see them connect with a ninety-mile-an-hour four-seam fastball. And who gives a parrot cloaca about some computer?! Eff the computers! Eff the scientist who forgot to plug ‘playing with heart’ into his ‘algorithm.’ Eff the haters. Eff the pessimists. Eff the statistics. Eff the laws of probability. Eff the management and their shitty profit-driven decision-making. Because this is the year. This is the year you win despite playing for the worst management in all of professional sports and possibly amateur sports and possibly circle-time at the daycare. Screw it all. This is the year you play like you mean it. Play like you want to win. Play like you know a thing or two about hitting and throwing a ball. When that ball comes to you, you slow that ball down in your mind, you look that ball in the eye and you say, ‘Eff you, ball,’ and you hit it square in the nose. Win so they can’t laugh at you anymore. Win for the fans. Win for the kids. Win so I can send that Golf Magazine editor a nasty email. Win so you can kick that ‘algorithm’ right in the junk. Just win. Because I swear to God, if I lose this bet, I will not only make each and every one of you pox-riddled scallywags walk the plank, but I will personally push you overboard and let The Kraken have you for supper.
August 25, 2010: “Click. Click. KABOOM!”
For now, I’m just going to sit and watch the pretty fire, and drink what’s left of the margaritas until I’m too drunk to care about 18 years of losing. Burn, baby, burn.
February 28, 2011: “Destroying the Manatees”
I’m not saying “THIS IS THE YEAR!” because I promised you I wouldn’t do that no matter how rosy my Cult of Personality glasses make everything seem. I looked at a pile of dog poop the other day and it looked like a chocolate doughnut. These glasses are of the strongest rose-colored prescription money can buy.
I must let you know that the Pittsburgh Pirates spent a sunny Florida day bitchslapping the Manatees stupid.
September 14, 2011: “Tuck and Roll”
March 5, 2012: “This is important”
But things are changing. The tides are turning. This stinking, putrid, battle-maimed ship of scurvy and suck is afloat and heading in the vicinity of the right direction, as in if the “right direction” is east, we are heading south south east, which is better than west.
ANYWAY, my point, as always … THIS IS THE YEAR!
October 5, 2012: “Oh the Humanity!”
Me? The resident “everything else” blogger who built and piloted the Pirates bandwagon this year? Well, I just want to type a lot of profanity and then when I run out, I want to invent new, more expressive forms of profanity. I want to punch things and then kick them where they fall. All of my attempted heartfelt, nod-worthy and Amen-pulling sentences get interrupted with keyboard smashes. “The Pirates, for the first time in two decades, came so close to a winning season they jksdfj welkfjaf;lkjawe;flk awef;lkwejfj–“
As the unofficial builder, recruiter and driver of the bandwagon, I’m sad and I’m going to be sad and really really angry until about February. Then the weather is going to shift and by early March a warm rain is going to sweep away 2012 and I’m going to really wake up to 2013 and the possibilities it can bring to the Pittsburgh Pirates because I’m a sick individual. I’m going to build a new bandwagon and recruit like never before and I’m going to go to opening day and say, “This is the year!” and I’m going to believe it in my sick heart.
But for now, if you’re still on my bandwagon, I can’t say this adamantly enough: Tuck and roll, because this sucker is about to burn like the fires of hell before meeting the bottom of the Mon.
I bet that’s a pretty good representation of your relationship with the team too.
Hope. Despair. Hope! Despair! HOPE! EFF YOU, PIRATES! EFF YOU TO HELL!
Those days are gone. Tomorrow we put our butts in the seats, and I don’t care if we lose by a score of 20-1 … we stay in our seats and when that game is over, we stand up and we applaud those men for giving us more than what we’ve been wishing for for 20 years. They weren’t content with a winning season; they took us to the postseason, and then they brought the postseason home to us.
Tomorrow we go to bed loving the Pittsburgh Pirates. No matter what.
Let’s go, Bucs.