Wanted: Your hilarious wedding stories

So I’m sitting here trying to think of the funniest thing I ever saw happen at a wedding that I didn’t see on America’s Funniest Home Videos, and I’m at a loss.

I never saw the groom split his pants.

A best man never passed out at the altar.

A priest never accidentally said “shit ass ho.”

No “speak now or forever hold your peace” chaos brought on by a drunk ex.

No mother-of-the-bride taking too many muscle relaxers and basically rolling down the aisle like a wheel of cheese.

The weirdest thing I can remember happening at any wedding I attended was the bride who walked down the aisle to Seal’s “Kiss From a Rose” and I was like, “WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW?!”

I’m working on my column for this year’s Pittsburgh Magazine Weddings issue and I want to share some of Pittsburgh’s funniest wedding moments with the readers.

Email me your funniest wedding story or rehearsal story or reception story or ring bearer puking on the pillow story and I’ll share the best in my column which will appear on the back inside page of the issue for PittGirl’s Last Laugh.

You can email your story along with your name and town to virginia@thatschurch.com.

Also, what does a kiss from a rose on the grey even mean? I AM SERIOUSLY ASKING YOU THIS QUESTION, YOU GUYS.





18 Comments

  1. Michelle B
    September 30, 2013 9:57 pm

    Does my husband running off the altar when my Dad and I were about 3/4 of the way down the church aisle count as insane? The pastor joked with him about passing out right before the wedding, thereby sending him into an anxiety-spiral that led to him THINKING he was going to pass out at that crucial moment. I looked at the pastor with wild panic, and he held up his hands in a reassuring way. Though looking back, I don’t think he had any idea whether my husband was just anxious or heading to the border at that point. The pastor joked that he wasn’t feeling well to the attendees, and the string quartet struck up an impromptu tune to fill the awful silence. My MIL ran out, got him some water, and he came back…eventually and we did get married. Though he did have to sit down during the readings. Also, it poured the whole day and the DJ we hired didn’t show up to the reception, denied we’d booked him for that day, but eventually came after my Dad barked at him that he had a cancelled check to prove we’d booked him and threatening bodily harm if he didn’t show in 30 minutes or less.
    We just celebrated our 10-year anniversary.



  2. Sarah
    September 30, 2013 9:57 pm

    Um, I always thought it was “rose on the grave.” Which makes perfect sense at a wedding.



  3. Eileen D'Amico
    September 30, 2013 10:32 pm

    I think my brother and sister in laws story could be right up there. Seems the parish festival got raided the previous evening because there were BIG TIME poker games going on behind a curtain in the school cafeteria. The priest was arrested along with a host of others which made him delayed in getting to the church on time for their wedding!!!!



  4. Sheila
    September 30, 2013 11:43 pm

    I’m with Sarah- thinking it was kissed by a rose on the grave. Neither make sense!



  5. Eileen
    October 1, 2013 8:34 am

    Ha@ John, you got that right!! One of Father O’s infamous poker games!!!!



  6. Jessica
    October 1, 2013 2:39 pm

    We were getting into the car to go to the reception after our ceremony on the North Side when we were approached by a woman who asked us if we went to the church.
    “Yep,” we said.
    “Oh, I go here too!” she exclaimed. “I love the Lord. Do you have any change you could spare?”
    As I was wearing, you know, MY WEDDING DRESS, I had no place to put any “change.” As my husband rummaged around in the pockets of his rental tux, she continued subtly:
    “I just love the Lord. I love him! He gives me tens and twenties.”
    My husband came up empty handed because he hadn’t brought any money with him to spend at the wedding, and the woman stomped away.

    I mean, wtf? Who does this?



  7. NamesHaveBeenChangedToProtectTheInnocent(Me)
    October 1, 2013 4:14 pm

    My husband and his best man had a motorcycle accident the morning of our wedding; a groomsman’s apartment caught fire; another of the groomsmen fell carrying a keg into the reception hall and had to have stitches above his eye; my future MIL was late (she wasn’t fond of me). Then at the top of the aisle, my father told me we could abandon the ceremony and just have the party. I should have listened to ALL of those cosmic signs. 7 years later we were divorced.



  8. Janelle
    October 1, 2013 5:29 pm

    At a friend’s wedding last fall, my cousin’s boyfriend photobombed the dance floor multiple times by dancing to “Gangnam Style.” It resulted in the funniest dance-floor photos I have ever seen.



  9. Trish
    October 1, 2013 6:12 pm

    It’s been almost thirty years and this still makes me laugh. My brother was getting married to a girl from a pretty rich family. Put it this way–her gown alone was about eight thousand dollars … in 1984 money. My two sisters and I were among the bridesmaids; OUR gowns were about five hundred dollars each (my dad was PISSED, also they were ugly fuchsia satin). Three hundred guests, massive reception at a snooty country club, you get the idea. Everyone in my family, other than my brother obviously, hated the bride. She was a bridezilla before the term was invented and just a complete bi*ch. I could fill pages with all the crap she pulled that day. So we’re at the reception, indulging in the only thing that made this travesty bearable–the open bar. I was a week away from my eighteenth birthday but I was getting served like a boss. Even my dad, who rarely drank, was ‘faced. A bunch of my dad’s side was at a table, and one of my uncles said “I don’t give this six months.” My father said “nah, they’ve been together a couple of years, maybe she’ll settle down once they have a kid.” My uncle said “BS, I’ll bet you five bucks right now they don’t last six months.” Another uncle said “I’ll put in five and give it a year.” Next thing we knew both sides of our family were throwing in money and placing bets on how long the marriage would last, to the point where one of my cousins appointed herself bookie and was writing all the bets down. She placed the money, which was about $220 (we have a big family) in a savings account … and we waited, with the agreement that if the marriage lasted longer than five years we’d donate the money somewhere. It lasted fourteen months, and my mother’s oldest sister won the pool. She gloated about it until the day she died, no kidding. My brother went on to marry a much nicer woman and has two daughters. We found out later that my aunt gave him the money she won because Bridezilla thoroughly cleaned him out during the divorce.



  10. Mimi
    October 2, 2013 2:58 pm

    1992. I was 17 years old and a bridesmaid in my cousin’s wedding. I was the youngest in my family by many years and had never been a bridesmaid before, so I was doing my best to approach this role with a maturity beyond my years. The dress was OK as far as bridesmaids’ dresses go, which is saying a lot since it’s pretty much a rite of passage to have at least one “hideous bridesmaid dress” story.* Deep purple color, polyester blend, tea length, dyed-to-match shoes, etc. Anyway, apparently the dress made me look rather buxom, though up to that point nobody—and I mean nobody—had ever considered me “buxom.” Except my mother, of course, who thought my boobs looked HUGE and was unafraid of saying so every time I had a damn dress fitting. I’m not sure what she thought pointing it out would accomplish, but whatever, she has no filter. Cut to the night of the rehearsal dinner, when I’m sitting at a table with my parents. Across from us is one of the other bridesmaids and her husband, whom I had never met before and seemed nice enough. Mom was on her second glass of white zin and was feeling a little chatty. Somehow the subject of the dresses came up, and my mother decided to tell this poor man across from us, whom we just met for the first time, how HUGE my boobs are, adding, “Take a look as she walks down the aisle tomorrow!” Which, in Pittsburghese, is translated as “Take a look as she wocks dahn the ile tamarrah!” Naturally I died a silent death, and the next day, I walked down the aisle using my bouquet as a boob shield.

    *My sister’s wedding, the following year, graced us bridesmaids with a salmon-colored SUIT. Salmon! A suit! “So you can wear it again!” My god.



  11. Cheryl
    October 3, 2013 2:09 pm

    I was invited to a wedding which occurred on the Gateway Clipper. Nice ceremony, but several times throughout the reception they played the Theme from Gilligan’s Island. This seemed to hint that the wedding was shipwrecked from the start!!!! And it was — the couple stayed together for the honeymoon and one week afterward they separated. It was a nasty divorce and took several years before a Judge granted the decree.



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  13. john altdorfer
    October 14, 2013 11:16 am

    Just before the reception was about to end, the bride and groom got into a fight, with punches being thrown.

    The scene got so bad, cops had to be called in.

    The day after, instead of going on a honeymoon, the newlyweds went looking for lawyers to get a divorce.



  14. April Rickard
    October 14, 2013 1:49 pm

    My now husband had an incident during the cake cutting. He was so nervous from being announced during the reception! We then went immediately to the cake for the cutting. He grabbed the knife out of my hand too quick and as he went to cut he cut his own finger!

    We had a white cake and little drops of blood were on the cake and then our table cloth! The only Band-Aid we had available was a worker that had kids. So the groom wore an Elmo Band-Aid the rest of the wedding…



  15. Anne Laskowski
    October 14, 2013 2:26 pm

    It was an extremely hot August Saturday in 1979. This was a wedding that was arranged in less than 3 weeks. My cousin was brought down the aisle by her father who was dressed in a sport jacket, grey pants black shoes and white socks. The bride was beautiful in her gown and we would soon know just how beautiful the gown was. The officiating priest was very old and very Neanderthal in his thinking even for 1979, he spent way to much time on how the wife is supposed to submit to the husband in all things, at about 20 minutes into this speech my sister who was the “maid of honor” ran to the bathroom with morning sickness, 40 minutes into the speech the bride fainted and it was the most beautiful graceful fall ever with all that white taffeta, lace, and silk billowing around her breaking her fall. The priest at this point decided to speed up the process, and no joke it became like the wedding in The Princess Bride. The mother of the bride sat on the groom side because she was mad at the bride choosing my sister instead of her sister for maid of honor, the grandmother of the bride kept waving to the MOTB to move to the proper section of the pews. One of the Aunts of the Bride cornered her in the bathroom at the reception and told her it was a disgrace that she didn’t choose her own sister maid of honor. All in all it was pretty bad needless to say the marriage only lasted about a year.