Lukey has one last visit to the Office of That’s Church

 

Setting: Present day at the Office of That’s Church inside of the Market Square Dunkin’ Donuts.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl walks in, sees the Secretary of the Office of That’s Church sitting with a steaming pumpkin coffee on her table and a look of epic doom on her face. Turns to leave.

PittGirl: “Don’t. Even. Think. About. It.”

Luke: [droops his shoulders and sighs]

PittGirl: “Have a seat, Hizzoner.”

Luke: [turns to face her] “Not if you’re going to call me –”

PG: “HAVE. A. SEAT … HIZZONER.”

Luke: [reluctantly takes a chair] “Can I order a –”

PG: “Have you lost your damn mind?”

Luke: “I–”

PG: “You know, I sit here and ask myself, ‘When did The Office of That’s Church just become you sitting there stuttering like a kid caught looking at the naughty pages of a National Geographic and me sitting here asking you if you have LOST YOUR DAMN MIND?’ When did that happen, do you know?”

Luke: “You’re–”

PG: “Let me just talk myself through this. Okay? Can you help me talk myself through this?”

Luke: “I–”

PG: “Did you, or did you not, use the city’s official webpage, not your own personal website, but the city’s OFFICIAL site, to begin a TWO AND A HALF MONTH LONG series of posts in which you will tell the people of Pittsburgh in great detail all the the things you believe you have accomplished in the last seven years?”

Luke: “It’s–”

PG: “And did you write that you feel since there is so much negative attention focused on you right now, it is ‘my responsibility to remind people just how much we’ve achieved?’ You FINALLY start worrying about responsibility and THAT’S what you think your responsibility as mayor is? Patting yourself on the back?!”

Luke: “You’ve –”

PG: “And did you actually use Twitter to create an official hashtag for this recounting of your successes over the last seven years? And is that hashtag ‘#sevenyearsofsuccesses?'”

Luke: “It kinda–”

PG: “Tell me your Twitter account was hacked.Tell me. Go ahead. Tell me your password was something easy to guess like ‘PEDUTOSUCKS’ or ‘TIGERWOODS4LYFE’ and it was hacked. Go on. Say those words to me. Say, ‘I was hacked.’ Please.”

Luke: “I wasn’t–”

PG: “Because if you weren’t hacked, and you are actually willfully and knowingly and deliberately and intentionally and all the words that mean those very things …  launching this desperate legacy-grasping initiative on this the very day your police chief and highest deputy testified in front of a grand jury investigating your questionable political and financial ethics, I am going to have to believe that you have the mental maturity of Caillou and the mental capacity of a urinal cake.”

Luke: “Now, that’s a bit–”

PG: “You can’t GIVE a legacy after the fact. Do you get that? You can only LEAVE one. It’s like trying to go back and change your footprints in the sand. You can’t! You already left them. So no matter how much you trumpet your successes over the next two point five months, no matter how much you try to feed us the positives in the hopes we’ll appreciate them, it won’t affect the legacy you have already left. There is no amount of bullet points that will negate, erase, or diminish the areas you’ve left us wanting. In fact, by publicly using city resources and staff to trumpet your successes, you’re only drawing our attention to your shortcomings. We’re not going to replace those shortcomings with your successes. We’re going to look at them side by side, because we have the mental capacity to do that.  WE are not the urinal cakes in this scenario.”

Luke: “I wish you’d stop saying–”

PG: “URINAL CAKE URINAL CAKE URINAL CAKE.”

Luke: [stands to leave] “Are you quite done?”

PG: “Done!? I haven’t even been put in the oven yet! The oven isn’t even preheated yet! THE OVEN HASN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET!”

Luke: “You’re out of –”

PG: “Luke, before you walk out of this office this one last time, allow me to say, if as you near the end of your political career you feel the negative is shining so brightly that it has completely hidden the positive and has motivated you to begin a self-serving, self-applauding, self-backslapping look at your tenure, you’ve got to ask yourself, is the blinding negative a PR issue or is it a ‘me issue?’ If you’re honest, you’re going to see it’s a YOU issue and you’re going to realize no amount of shouting about the positives is going to in any way impact the legacy you’ve already left in your wake. You look stunned. Blink twice if you understood what I just said.”

Luke: “I’m leaving.” [walks toward door]

PG: “Fine. But one last thing.”

Luke: [turns] “What?”

PG: “URINAL CAKE!”

Luke: [storms out]





14 Comments

  1. AngryMongo
    October 16, 2013 3:14 pm

    I think Caillou is way more mature.



  2. lisa p
    October 16, 2013 3:21 pm

    Oh Luke, what will we do to amuse ourselves!! PG, you rock!



  3. Marcos
    October 16, 2013 3:50 pm

    This was quite entertaining to read.



  4. la Reina
    October 16, 2013 3:54 pm

    #smackupsidethelukeyhead



  5. Dan
    October 16, 2013 4:50 pm

    Outstanding !!



  6. Dougie Fresh
    October 16, 2013 5:28 pm

    Where do Twitter handles go to die? #Ex-MayorLukey



  7. bucdaddy
    October 17, 2013 1:37 am

    This is why you should never put anyone under the age of 56* in charge of anything important.

    –57 in May.



  8. bucdaddy
    October 17, 2013 1:38 am

    Also, maybe he meant “Seven years of excesses”?



  9. Dr Kevlar
    October 17, 2013 7:19 am

    As we near the end of the Ravenstahl Era, I begin to wonder where some of these folks will end up when they (as Chuck Noll would say) get on with their lives?

    Will Yarone Zober become a social Media Consultant? Will Kevin Quigley found a non-profit dedicated to paving streets outside of the City Limits? Most importantly, What Will Luke Do (WWLD)?

    The mind boggles at the possibilities…



    • bucdaddy
      October 17, 2013 11:57 am

      My favorite Emperor Chazz line fits here. It was spoken of Sydney “Fumbles” Thornton:: “(Insert name here) has many problems, and they are great.”



      • Dr Kevlar
        October 17, 2013 9:02 pm

        A Master from a bygone era. Once, one could not imagine a coach on the sideline without a suit/tie on. Today’s NFL does not allow coaches to wear them!

        Can’t wait to see what kind of job Luke lands should there not be any inconvenient trials going on when the Glorious March of Progress ends.



  10. Julia
    October 18, 2013 2:50 pm

    I still wonder if he was drunk when he said that.

    Actually, it’s probably closer to the truth that he’s about to get indicted and just wants to remind people how awesome he thinks he is before he goes to jail.



  11. red pen mama
    October 22, 2013 2:34 pm

    Well done, Pitt Girl. Very well done. *applause*