Somewhere, Shaun Suisham still sits on a sideline bench with a stunned expression on his face and the devil in his leg.
Somewhere, the Steelers defense is still looking for Terrell Pryor. They can’t find him. They also suck at Where’s Waldo, Where in the World is Carmen Sandiego, and Where’s My Water.
Somewhere, Mike Tomlin is a bit worried about job security. Just a little. A skoosh.
Somewhere, Zoltan Mesko is packing a bag and then punting pigeons in anger as hard as he can. The pigeons are landing about three feet away.
Somewhere, Todd Haley is thinking “I should’a went with a bubble screen.”
Somewhere, Steely McBeam is asking, “Am I still a thing?”
What a game.
What a piece of football puke.
And do you know how to make a piece of football puke even more putrescent? You watch it with your diehard Oakland Raiders-loving brother-in-law and the 11-year-old son he managed to raise as a Raiders fan despite my sister Pens Fan’s best efforts to instill Steelers love in him.
You remember Muchacho, yes? The first and only person in the history of the world to catch a foul ball?
Calm down, Muchacho. Calm. Down.
Let’s talk football. Wretched, wretched football.
1. We arrived at my sister’s house at 4:08 p.m., walked into the living room carrying our contribution to the potluck, and Muchacho was freaking out because Terrell Pryor had just run something like 482 yards to score a touchdown while the Steelers defense was busy picking lint from their bellybutton holes. Either that or he engaged his cloak of invisibility.
This is basically what happened, in goat form:
On the first play of the first possession. Breaking a record for a QB touchdown rush.
The Raiders are leading by 7 points only five seconds into the game. Steeler Nation reacts accordingly:
2. Then we blinked and it was 21-3.
21-3. To the Raiders. The NFL’s bastard child. The black sheep. The poop on the NFL’s shoe. The 1992-2012 Pittsburgh Pirates of the NFL.
Beating the vaunted Steelers 21-3.
Steeler Nation reacts accordingly.
Did I just use a Tom Brady “F–k you bitches” gif to represent Steelers fans? I did.
Come at me, bro.
3. Up next, my father’s impression of Zoltan Mesko’s punting:
4. After managing only two takeaways since 1972, the Steelers had THREE yesterday.
Too bad they counted for ZERO POINTS.
5.What running game?
6. What offensive line?
7. The Steelers broke a long time ago, but they had one good working part and that was Shaun Suisham. Our rock. Our solid foundation. The man who would miss no kick. The man who could find the center of the uprights in a sharknado raging in the middle of an anaconda-cane.
It was his 47-yarder that brought the score to 14-3 earlier in the game.
So at 21-3 with the Steelers on a drive that chewed like nine minutes off of the third quarter clock, Suisham is called upon to kick the ball 34 yards after the offense failed to record a TD (shocker!).
34 yards. Easy as pie, for our rock. Our anchor. Our–
And it’s wide. Steeler Nation reacts accordingly:
I wasn’t mad. I mean, there was so much blame to go around; I couldn’t put it all on him.
I wanted to hug Suishy. Tell him it was okay.
But then later in the game, another short field goal attempt. This one he’ll make. Because he’s our rock. Our foundation. Our one good-
And he missed it.
And I wasn’t mad. We were down by two touchdowns. Six points won’t make a difference.
SIX POINTS WILL NEVER MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN THIS GAME!
I wanted to hug him even harder now. Poor guy. He’s so cute. And sad. Let me hug your sad away my Suishy.
And the Karma Boomerang makes a U-turn because guess what?
Here’s how I felt about Suishmiss by the end of the game when those six points would have meant everything:
This is also how I felt about my brother-in-law by the end of the game. I wanted to throw all the punches and I came very very close to slapping his phone out of his hands as he was posting celebratory messages on Facebook.
8. The fourth quarter is when the Steelers showed up, coming so close to tying the game up, which wouldn’t have been necessary had Suisham made those damn easy field goals.
But with no timeouts left, and Tomlin arguably wasting one with 1:48 on the clock, it was too little too late as Suisham sends an onside kick directly into the hands of the Raiders and time runs out before Benny can get any sort of final play off.
Steelers lose. Raiders win. Steelers’ chances of making the playoffs are smaller than Luke Ravenstahl’s brain.
Steeler Nation reacts accordingly:
That’s right. 100% out of shits to give at this point.
And next week we play Tom Brady.
Expect a score of ALL OF THE POINTS to NONE OF THEM.
Our only hope for any joy to come out of that game is if someone accidentally telestrates a penis coming out of Tom Brady’s butt.