When 96.1′s resident hottie Tall Cathy informed me that Skippy Skeeve (as I called him many a time) AKA former Steelers badboy Jeff Reed, had joined Twitter, I grabbed a chair and some popcorn.
This oughta be good.
I was so so right, because somehow, some way, somewhere over the rainbow, Jeff Reed is managing to break all the Twitter rules and still come out on top.
That’s not a euphemism.
And speaking of euphemisms, Jeff Reed calls that an “SAT word.”
Let’s review the rules Jeff is breaking.
1. Use proper punctuation
Jeff Reed only believes in four punctuation marks — the ellipses, the triple question mark, and the triple exclamation point. And very occasionally, he’ll whip out a comma. That’s not a euphemism.
Jeff Reed does not believe in periods.
He sees a period and he Sheetz-Paper-Towel-Dispenses that bullshit all the way to Ohio.
I called him on his excessive exclamatory punctuation:
Dumbfounded = me:
Jeff Reed, 1: Punctuation rules, 0!!!…???
2. Don’t feed the trolls
I have a pretty epic Twitter troll who believes in his heart of hearts that I, a Pittsburgh-born girl of Syrian descent, am an illegal Mexican immigrant. That my husband, a naturalized US citizen who has never once set toenail in the United States without a proper Visa or Green Card, is an illegal immigrant. He loves to tweet to people who follow me about how I am a “wetback Messican.”
Here’s a sampling of hate from one of his many Twitter accounts he has used to bash me:
My Twitter followers have been very very good about not responding in any way to this troll, because the rule is DON’T FEED THE TROLLS AND THEY’LL GO AWAY.
Jeff Reed fed the troll, whose latest account has already been suspended, but the gist of his tweets to me and Jeff Reed were INSULT INSULT YOU BOTH SUCK. SHE’S AN ILLEGAL WETBACK AND YOU’RE A WASHED UP LOSER ASSHOLE MOTHERF–:
What can the troll say to that?
The troll is still sitting at his keyboard all, “By the beard of Zeus and my tiny penis, I have no clue how to respond to this!!!…???”
Jeff Reed: 1, Troll: 0
3. If your glory days are behind you, pretend like you don’t care.
Jeff Reed wants back in the NFL, and he’s not afraid to admit it.
4. If you’re a celebrity, don’t be too accessible to fans.
Jeff Reed says EFF THAT and he rips the rule off the wall like a misbehaving paper towel dispenser.
He responds to every single tweet.
His schedule is more public than Luke Ravenstahl’s, not that that’s saying much.
He walks into Ross Park Mall and just begs you to find him:
His shirt? “Congratulations! You’re not illiterate.”
Fans, 1: Privacy, 0
Also, I have no clue what batorches are.
Maybe it’s a euphemism.