Mayor Luke’s last visit to the Office of That’s Church?

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Setting: The Office of That’s Church in Dunkin’ Donuts in Market Square.

Mayor Luke Ravenstahl enters, spies the Secretary packing up her office into boxes.

“Her office” = donuts. “Boxes” = her mouth.

Mayor Luke: [sighs]

PittGirl: “Pick your shoulders up, Champ. There is a very very good chance this is the last time you’ll ever visit my office.”

Mayor: [eyes brighten] “Really?!”

PG: “Really! But before we hopefully say goodbye to the Office of That’s Church — the office of truth, of snark, of ‘telling it like it is no matter what,’ we need to discuss how INCREDIBLY, EPICALLY, MONSTROUSLY STUPID YOU ARE ON TWITTER.”

Luke: “I hate you.”

PG: “I bet you do! Have a seat.”

Luke: “Have we met?”

PG: “Fine. Stand.”

Luke: “I will.”

PG: “Do you know that I used to hate your politician-speak? That weird ‘myself and others like myself’ vernacular you used to spout like a robot? I used to call it Politicobot 2000 or something like that. I hated it. You took 30 words to say something that could have been communicated in five words. I thought if we stripped away that important-sounding facade, we’d find you normal. Dare I say, likable. A regular Pittsburgh guy just trying his best to do the job he was, in some ways, thrust into.  Are you seriously giggling because I just said ‘thrust?'”

Luke: “Shut up.”

PG: “I will not. So now your political aspirations have been snuffed out like a candle in the wind, Elton, and along with those aspirations went your Robot Politician Facade, and guess what was behind that facade? Guess. Go ahead. I’m telling you to guess. Say words.”

Luke: “What’s a fac–?”

PG: “BZZZZZ! Time’s up! What we have found behind the facade is what some suspected all along — a weird fratboy/meangirl hybrid with the grammar of a first grader and an addiction to useless hashtags.”

Luke: “Oh! Fratmeangirlboy!”

PG: [headdesk] “I hate you.”

Luke: “I bet you do!”

PG: “So you took to Twitter to publicly whine that a city police officer uses his off-duty time to ref NCAA basketball games and the media doesn’t care, but they bug you mercilessly about your schedule. You, in your holy righteous indignation, salivated as you thought you were about to make the media feel so so foolish. You linked to a schedule of his games and wrote. ‘Imagine if I was out of town this much!’ You hashtagged it with #justsayin — which, that alone is enough to make my bitchslapping hand feel kinda itchy, Luke. You manufactured this controversy mere DAYS after tweeting about how terrible it was that the media manufactures controversy. You also missed an important thing: that if city police officers are doing things you feel they shouldn’t on their off-time, YOU AS THE MAYOR SHOULD HANDLE THAT. THE FINAL BLAME FOR THAT SHOULD REST ON YOUR SHOULDERS. The irony of this is just about killing me, Lukey — like an anvil is going to fall on my head at any moment.”

Luke: [looks up hopefully]

PG: “What are you? Right at this moment. What are you?”

Luke: “A fratmeangirlboy!”

PG: “Lieutenant Scirotto is a police officer. YOU ARE THE MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY. This is beyond apples and oranges. This is bikes and pumpkins. The Pope and Kim Kardashian. POOP AND DIAMONDS. You’re trying to compare how much the media cares about a cop versus how much the media cares about the mayor. It’s LAUGHABLE. The media doesn’t really care where Lieutenant Scirotto is during his off time because he’s a police officer. However, the MAYOR OF A MAJOR METROPOLITAN CITY answers to we the people. His schedule should be public. He should show up. He should lead. He should be as transparent as air. He should work so hard he ages before our very eyes. He should not, at any point in time, giggle at the word thrust.”

Luke: [giggles]

PG: “I hate you.”

Luke: “I hate you to infinity no backsies.”

PG: [headdesk] [headdesk] [headdesk]

Luke: “Are we done?”

PG: “No. I’m going to need you to hand over any hashtags you have on your person.”

Luke: “Even #7yearsofsuccesses?!”

PG: “ESPECIALLY #7yearsofsuccesses.”

Luke: “Fine. But I’m keeping #noclue.”

PG: “Knock yourself out.”

Luke: “Now are we done?”

PG: “My God, I hope so.”

Luke: “Bye. #itsbeenreal.” [turns to walk away]

PG: [rises, runs, tackles Lukey to the ground and rips the hashtag from his hands]




  1. Tracie Magoc
    December 3, 2013 1:14 pm

    As always ~ keepin it real in the Burgh!!!

  2. Erin Smith
    December 9, 2013 4:35 pm

    Dying – this is spot on: a weird fratboy/meangirl hybrid with the grammar of a first grader and an addiction to useless hashtags