Do you know that I am a big giant socially awkward dork? Do you? Do you need me to count the ways?
Perhaps the time I gave David Conrad a ride in my filthy momdorkmobile?
The time I met Mario Lemieux and talked for three minutes straight without inhaling once and then possibly proposed marriage to him like a hopelessly romantic Tourette’s sufferer?
The time this Saturday when I walked around the Children’s Home Shake Your Booties event at Heinz Field for twenty minutes with my blouse awkwardly tucked into my Spanx?
The time I walked around downtown all day with a size sticker strip stuck to the back of my new jeans?
The time I met Sean Casey and he said, “You have leaves in your hair.”
The time I accepted an award from Light of Life with Kennywood wide open?
I am dork. Hear me snort when I laugh.
I’ve got another one to add to the list.
Last night was the Zoo’s first ever Fashion for the Wild event, a fundraiser and fashion show and I was fortunate enough to be invited to check it out. Kiya Tomlin was there showing off her designs. She’s gorgeous. Really.
I got to meet some animals. This is Mr. Cuddlemuffins, as I named him.
This is Sir Back-The-F–k-Up:
Snakes. What was God thinking?
Also there were hosts Sally Wiggin and David Conrad, my BFFs:
There was also fashion, not modeled just by professional models, but also regular women with interesting stories.
When my sister and I arrived, we were asked if we were guests or models (we said models, of course) and we felt very flattered that we were asked that. We must look super hot and thin, we thought. Then the fashion show started and we understood. Regular Pittsburgh women.
I took my sister Pens Fan as my plus one because she’s a big David Conrad fan and wanted to meet him.
Then Dork struck. (That’s the title of my future autobiography, yes?)
A bit later my sister and I were walking up the circular walkway that winds up to the top floor of the aquarium while David happened to be walking down it. We met in the middle to chat at which point I stepped my new skinny heel into a floor grate and got stuck. Not just a little. REALLY stuck. Wedged.
I yelped, “Oh, my God. I’m stuck!”
I tried to yank my shoe out but the entire grate started coming out of the floor. Not even joking. I started to tip over as the totality of my weight was now balancing on a one centimeter-thick heel and I have that inner ear thing that gives me a shit sense of balance.
David was forced to prop me up while my sister reached down and helped me OUT OF MY SHOE at which time she forcibly yanked it out of the grate and handed it to me.
[takes a bow]
For my next trick …
Only me, guys. Only. Me.
I bought some cool stuff too! Check out my new coasters featuring three sports stadiums no longer around:
And I grabbed this too. Would you believe it mentions the Penguins and the Steelers but not the Pirates? I’m kind of aghast.
At my sister’s insistence, I took a photo with David. But before we took the picture, I said, “You know for as many times as we’ve met, there does not exist a photo of the two of us together and I feel like we should keep it that way.”
He agreed, so we mostly did:
Honestly, I’m just thankful there’s no Target price-tag hanging down my back.
You should check it out next year. I hope to be there. I’ll be the curly-haired girl wearing WEDGE SHOES.