Sally Wiggin and the Pigeons

I’m sad about the Pens loss. So sad, in fact, that I ate for two straight hours after the final second ticked off the game clock. Half a jar of cookie butter. Cheese and crackers and processed meat slices. And then I eyed the cereal boxes. It wasn’t pretty. I woke up with a weird marriage of Cocoa Krispies and cracker dust in my hair.

YOLO.

So I’m going to ignore the loss and Bylsma’s likely departure (sob) and instead talk about pigeons. EFFING PIGEONS. MOTHERBLEEPING JERKASSWAD PIGEONS.

First, yesterday late morning in Market Square, it was a beautiful steamy sunny August day that happened to get lost and wind up in May all, “WHERE THE HELL AM I?! I think I took a wrong turn at July or something. I tried circling back but some yinzer told me to turn where Rax used to be.”

There I sat in the sun with Sally Wiggin, not far from a table full of beard-wearing Rangers. Sally and I were chatting about life while her cameraman set up for an interview, when a pigeon sauntered up to her, about a foot from her chair, probably wanting to tell her, “Hey, why are you hanging out with our Antichrist? Aren’t you better than that?”

Sally Wiggin spied the pigeon, and Sally Wiggin talked to the pigeon. She bent down and gave it baby talk.

And then she remembered who she was sitting with.

And  she looked up at me.

And I was all …

kanye-west-blank-stare

And then she was like …

oops

WE DON’T TALK IN BABY VOICES TO PIGEONS, SALLY WIGGIN!

I’m getting that on a shirt, a pillow, AND my gravestone.

Amen.

Also, this happened:

sallyme

What?

And while we’re talking about pigeons, here’s the closing line of this hilarious letter to the editor at the Post-Gazette yesterday:

Perhaps the first place we can stop “feeding the pigeons” is with ourselves.

I will pay you the sum of ONE MILLION DOLLARS if you can explain what that means.

I think she was going for a “Be the change you want to see in the world” type of thing, but instead veered toward a “There are a lot of weeds in the garden of my mind” thing.

I hope Anna Smith of the North Side emails me so that I can email her back a link to the story of how PIGEON POOP BROUGHT DOWN THE BRIDGE IN MINNEAPOLIS.

Get at me.

P.S. Cocoa Krispie Hangover would be a great band name.

 

 

13 comments on this post.
  1. Suz:

    If we were going to lose the series, at least we lost to the Rangers. Their players are hawt, especially Lundqvst.

  2. PA Girl in VA:

    What is this “cookie butter” of which you speak??? And who’s the other guy in the pic (I recognize Lundqvist)?

  3. Kristina:

    Neither are Lundqvist. The guy on the left is Martin St. Louis, and the one on the right looks like Brad Richards.

  4. jann:

    I have to tell you how hard it was not to shout out “Letang sex hair” every time they showed him on the screen. I live with in a house of men and they just wouldn’t get it. My sons would surely cringe to hear mom talk that way!

  5. Tim Lesher:

    There are a lot of weeds in the garden of my mind.

    I am shamelessly stealing the bejeezus out of this phrase.

  6. Kacie:

    I have seen cookie butter at Trader Joe’s.

    ALSO lolololol @where Rax used to be. All of that.

  7. PA Girl in VA:

    Funny how hard it is sometimes to name some athletes when they don’t have their uniforms on! I should have guessed St. Louis by his stature.

  8. Greg:

    I don’t expect you to agree with me on this, but I think “Sally Wiggin and the Pigeons” is a great band name, too. :)

  9. Suzie-Q:

    I just love this!! I can see Sally Wiggin in all her kindness saying ….kitchee, kitchee, coo, little pigeon” and Ginny’s blood pressure rising!! Thanks for the great entertainment….always!!!

  10. Monty:

    St. Louis dresses like a Mailboxes, Etc. dayshift manager.

  11. bucdaddy:

    Is that you next to Sally in that photo?

    Jesus, you’re a beautiful woman.

    Especially with my beer goggles on.

  12. bucdaddy:

    You’re still pretty awesome with them off, too.

    When you keep posting pix like that, you sort of undermine your own case for portraying yourself as schlumpy. That “I’m so fat, I’m so dumpy” shtick, I ain’t buying it anymore.

  13. Anthony of T&A:

    Rax used to be where the Wine & Spirits store is on Liberty Avenue next to Fifth Avenue Place which used to be the Jenkins Arcade…and two doors down from Grit & Grace, which used to be Kappel’s Jewelers.