Alcohol in grocery stores will KILL. YOUR. CHILDREN.

Does the anti-liquor privatization lobby make you want to punch faces like it makes me want to punch faces?

Then you’re in for a real treat because have you seen this commercial?

YouTube Preview Image

Head over here to see me destroy the “lying with statistics” that this commercial brazenly commits.

Snippet:

“So . . . *attempt at a confused look* . . .  politicians want booze sold in stores where kids and teens go . . .?”

Wait. Wait just a minute. Are we supposed to leave our kids and teens in our cars when we go into the state liquor stores?! Crap. I’ve been just walking in to buy wine with my kids in tow. I let them look at the wine bottles. I am so embarrassed by this incredible parenting fail. Next time I’ll leave them in the car. Don’t worry. I’ll crack the window a bit because God forbid a child be in the presence of retail-ready alcohol containers. They could just grab one off the shelf and guzzle it down before you can say “Yo Gabba Gabba.” 

It is so ridiculous and almost embarrassing for the union.

Have a read. 

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Remember when Huffington Post named Prantl’s Burnt Almond Torte “the greatest cake America has ever made?”

Well my family put that to the test recently by pitting Prantl’s versus Oakmont Bakery’s burnt almond torte cake.

A snippet:

Partygoers crowded around the person taking the test. We watched in absolute silence. We waited breathlessly for each decision as if Maury Povich was about to read paternity results. “When it comes to this cake . . . OAKMONT IS YOUR CHOICE!” *wild cheering and incredulous weeping*

Soon, it was tied. Siblings divided. Marriages splintering before our very eyes. We were so desperate for a winner that we attempted to have a 9-month-old baby cast a vote, but she just inhaled both pieces of cake and burped. What good are you, baby? We’re trying to do science here.

We were eyeing the dog as a possible voter, when we realized there was one cousin who hadn’t yet taken the test. This was it. The tie-breaker. For truth. For science. For cake.

He tasted. Chewed. Swallowed. Tasted. Chewed. Swallowed. Silence.

JUST TELL US ALREADY, MAURY! 

Go see who won! It might surprise you. 

Happy Memorial Day!

I’m turning 40 next week!

[CRIES ALL THE BITTER TEARS!]





11 Comments

  1. Mike Frazer
    May 23, 2014 9:28 am

    Don’t feel bad about turning 40. I hear that 40 is the new 39.5! (There, I just bought you six months of excuses to not act 40, whatever “acting 40″ looks like. I’ll never know — I turn 34 in a few months, and from there I plan on lying about my age until I look like a mummified raisin’s great-great-grandfather’s prize possession: a much-older mummified raisin.)



  2. A Marx
    May 23, 2014 9:45 am

    Ginny – I love you truly, but let’s be honest… Prantl’s is not what it was under the former ownership. Not in terms of service and not in terms of quality. Yes, they’ve done a great job expanding the business downtown and marketing it more, but the old Prantl’s didn’t need marketing. It was just consistently excellent. No longer.



  3. Jim
    May 23, 2014 12:48 pm

    “It only takes a little greed to kill a child”

    I’m curious EXACTLY how much greed it takes to kill a child. Is the amount supportable by data? I know that in the chemical biz they have something called the LD50 which measures how poisonous something is. Essentially…L(ethal) D(ose) 50 (% of population killed) measures what dosage in X grams/ kg body weight is required to kill 50% of a test population of rats. (more or less). And I’m just wondering…I was considering asking for a raise at work, but I don’t want to put my children in mortal peril. Is there an amount I should ask for that would not put my children at risk?



  4. bluzdude
    May 23, 2014 2:18 pm

    “It only works if you’re gullible enough to believe it,” Just like most every other political ad any more. Thank you for tearing down this misleading ad. Would that everyone take such a peek behind the curtains…



  5. G-Man
    May 23, 2014 2:35 pm

    I moved from Pittsburgh to Richmond Virginia area more than 40 years ago. All these years we’ve had state operated ABC stores for wine and liquor while allowing beer and wine sales at convenience stores, grocery stores, drug stores, etc. The population has not decreased. So the kids here must not be dying in front of stores selling beer and wine. Just sayin’.



  6. Jane
    May 24, 2014 6:49 pm

    Hi, Ginny, I live in California, they sell liquor, both hard liquor like whiskey, beer, wine etc in
    grocery stories, Rite aid, gas stations. Doesn’t kill anymore children than adults. All stores card
    customers, even old ladies like me



  7. Suzie-Q
    May 24, 2014 7:48 pm

    Wow…the more I drink the funnier that commercial gets… (Just kidding). The commercial is ridiculous….just tell us the truth…the union is concerned about all of the state workers soon to be unemployed when the State Stores are privatized. And those of us that purchase wine and liquor will be able to purchase our items at a more convenient location.

    Oh and trust me….don’t let the over 40 hype psych you out….the years just keep getting better and better!!



  8. Dave M
    May 25, 2014 8:55 am

    Please don’t cry over 40…or 50, or 60, and so on. The alternative is more worrisome. Just make sure that each year is heaped on you with great experiences and friendships…and laugh lines and smile wrinkles. Thumb your nose at those aging gods.

    Now on this alcohol thing. Maryland allows beer, wine and liquor to be sold in retail outlets. It doesn’t have state stores. No more deaths (or alcoholics) here than in PA, and certainly no epidemic of child drunks and fatalities. They police it like the dickens and publish the establishments in the paper that violate by selling to young folks. The state shouldn’t be in the retail business.



  9. Kevin Fogarty
    May 26, 2014 10:51 am

    What a pathetic attempt to “USE” children to further an agenda. Pennsylvania is in the stone ages as to how they sell alcohol. Whenever friends come in from out of state the entire sale system is met with mockery.



  10. bucdaddy
    May 26, 2014 10:59 pm

    I can’t often point to examples where West Virginia bitch-slaps Pennsylvania all, “Don’t be so 19th century, ya rubes,” but here ya go.



  11. bucdaddy
    May 26, 2014 11:01 pm

    Also, if 40 looks like you, then 40 looks pretty damn fine.

    Take it from ‘daddy, who just turned 57 and never looked better.




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