Can we talk about ridiculousness for a bit?
Can we just sit here and marvel at something ridiculous?
Let’s talk about the Post-Gazette, one of America’s great newspapers.
Do I want to talk about their ridiculous and attention-begging use of unnecessary gifs on their Twitter account as of late?
No. But it’s pretty ridiculous.
Do I want to talk about this Ask Natalie column in which a mother-of-the-groom wrote Natalie to tell her how aghast she was that a few of her son’s friends didn’t bring gifts to the wedding and how she CALLED THEM ON THE PHONE TO ASK WHERE THEIR GIFTS WERE, and how Natalie’s response was not to read this woman the riot act, but to not even mention the uncouthness of calling, and to instead tell the woman to not invite those people to the next son’s wedding and also to PUT THE GIFT REGISTRY INFORMATION ON THE ACTUAL WEDDING INVITATION WHICH WOULD MAKE EMILY POST LOSE ALL OF HER GENTLEWOMANLY SHIT AND WHY ARE THERE STILL ADVICE COLUMNS IN 2016 WHEN A SIMPLE INTERNET SEARCH WILL TELL YOU WHAT A HUGE YINZER JAGOFF YOU WERE TO CALL THESE POOR WEDDING GUESTS WHO MIGHT ACTUALLY BE LITERALLY POOR?!
No. But it’s pretty pretty damnity damned ridiculous and also, I would be the best advice columnist to ever live.
[long-winded question about a life problem]
“STOP WHINING. GOD. LITERALLY NO ONE CARES.”
Let’s instead talk about … this.
What? Is this.
I mean … what is this?
I mean … WHAT THE FLIPPITY FLIP IS HAPPENING IS THIS REAL LIFE WHAT IS THIS HOLD ME CLOSER TONY DANZA.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills. Let me walk you through this ridiculousness, friends, because it has been a long time since I morphed into Super Snarks-a-lot Girl just because something was so ridiculous I couldn’t ignore it.
1. This is an “advertorial” (You won’t know it’s an advertorial unless you look near the top where it is indicated. Otherwise, it just seems like a normal regular Post-Gazette column.) in which a Pittsburgh writer, Sydney Carver, (who I’m sure is a lovely human but if you’re going to write something this ridiculous, I have to snark on it), is going to walk us through the proper way to throw a Pittsburgh-Perfect Dinner Party.
I know what you’re thinking. That’s easy. Make a tray of lasagna with some garlic bread and a salad and throw a bottle of red wine on the table. Boom. Dinner. Party.
Oh, no. How mistaken you are, you low-class lasagna-serving mortal who probably serves wine in juice glasses and serves dinner on the “fancy” paper Chinet.
2. If you’re going to throw a proper Pittsburgh-perfect dinner party, you need to spend a day shopping and if you’re going to do that, you better dress well!
I am headed out to prep for my own dinner party, so I’ll take you along to illustrate how I prepare. First thing’s first: When running all over Pittsburgh, comfort is key. I opt for dark-wash skinny jeans, a cashmere cable knit sweater, Chanel flats, and a Barbour jacket. I always make sure to bring some extra canvas L.L. Bean totes so that everything makes it home in one piece!
She wants you to shop in a cashmere cable knit sweater, $600 Chanel flats and a Barbour jacket. Got it? Don’t do what I do which is show up at the grocery store looking like an actual whale recently spit me out onto shore where a flock of seagulls landed on my head and had a dance party. And don’t you dare use the store’s bags. And you better not show up with some Target or Walmart-branded reusable totes. No, you better get those L.L. Bean totes or GTFOH.
Or rather, she recommends this bag:
Yeah, you are to lug that shiz around with you as you hit all the shops in your fancy cashmere clothes. And since when the actual hell are skinny jeans comfortable? They are the opposite of comfortable. They are the most uncomfortable pants you can buy.
2. Moving on! You’re dressed in your most expensive outfit and carrying a luggage-sized tote. Time to shop for our Pittsburgh dinner party!
The first thing you do, according to this column, THE FIRST THING YOU DO, losers, is you go…
Are you ready?
Wait for it.
I didn’t just misspell champagne (I’ll never misspell that word thanks to Patch from Days of Our Lives who pronounced is CHAM-PAG-NEE).
One of the easiest ways to escalate your space as well as add some dim, romantic lighting to any room is by opting for a gorgeous chandelier, and Cardello has many different options for all different tastes and budgets. I opt for a classic crystal chandelier that is sure to set the tone for the night: romantic elegance!
The first thing you must do if you wish to throw a Pittsburgh-perfect dinner party is you have to buy yourself a new chandelier because if you don’t have new, expensive dining room lighting and instead just serve your slop under some $200 Home Depot-bought five-light fixture, you are a terrible dinner party hostess who doesn’t care about the romantic and aesthetically pleasing warm light that will erase the wrinkles from the faces of your guests.
So, you go buy a new chandelier. Got it? This is the one she bought, so you should too:
It will only cost you $1,560.
Then AFTER you have bought a new chandelier and have loaded that sucker in your car, you can head to your next stop for the Pittsburgh-perfect dinner party …
2. You need to stop and get some diptyque figuier candles!
As I make my way from the North Shore to Shadyside … I arrive at Toadflax in Shadyside where I pick up several diptyque figuier candles. Scent is one of the easiest ways to change a person’s mood, so if you light the same scent every time your guests are in your home, they’ll remember it as your signature scent! I also spot some great accents for my blue-and-white-themed tablescape that I grab before I check out.
I don’t even know what diptyque or figuier means. Do you? Why don’t we? We suck, that’s why. We don’t use candles for our dinner parties, or if we do, we probably bought them at Target or Dollar General.
As for “signature scent.” Guests in my home know that as “Lemon Pledge with hint of Doggy Breath.”
Guys, I Googled it. These candles START at $60 each and run up to $90. FOR A CANDLE.
HAHAHAHAHA. NINETY DOLLARS FOR SOMETHING I’M GOING TO LIGHT ON FIRE?! How about I just throw a hundred-dollar bill in the fireplace and my signature scent can be “CRAZY PILLS AFLAME”?
After you’ve gotten your dippy candles (that’s what I’m calling ’em now), you must …
3. GET A NEW PAIR OF SHOES!
Now we’re talking. I love any excuse to buy new shoes … except …
Next up on my list is to snag a new pair of shoes! … I eye a gorgeous pair of Jimmy Choo’s and know that I’ve found the one. A classic, neutral heel will be sure to elongate my legs and pair well with any dress I decide to wear.
JIMMY. CHOOS. To wear with the dress you’ll wear at your dinner party at your house?
Ell. Oh. Ell.
My dinner party attire? Clean jeans, a sweater I snagged at Marshalls, and socks. If you think I’m stomping around my own house serving my guests romantically lit food underneath a new chandelier while wearing 700-dollar stiletto heels and a damned dress, you are smoking some special-sauced crack.
So you’ve got a car full of chandelier, dippy candles, and Jimmy Choos. You’ve only spent $3,000 so far. Next up.
4. Prantl’s for some burnt almond torte.
I have no complaints. This is for sure a perfect suggestion.
Throw that cake in your car and pray the giant chandelier doesn’t smush it because this is the first thing you’ve bought that is actually worth the money you’ve spent on it.
Then head to …
5. Buy some fresh flowers!
Not a terrible idea. Easy to grab a few fresh bouquets from Trader Joes, right?
I plan to place the floral arrangement in blue-and-white Chinoiserie ginger jars of varying sizes down the middle of the table. Usually when choosing a color scheme, I pick one or two colors and then an accent color; in this case, my primary colors are blue and white with gold as an accent.
WHAT THE FRESH HELL ARE CHINOISERIE GINGER JARS? IS SHE JUST MAKING SHIT UP NOW?
Okay, I Googled it. They are like $250 each!
Anyway, toss in your car the flowers she recommends you buy, along with the additional fresh blooms to place in your bathrooms, as she recommends, and then …
6. You got to go rent some fancy china!
The Kingston setting pairs nicely with a gold beaded charger, and I complete my table setting with the Schott Zwiesel Pure stemware glassware collection. The juxtaposition of the classic china against the more modern stemware is fantastic and adds dimension to the table.
I know what most of those words mean by themselves, but put together in this paragraph, I’m lost.
“Adds dimension to the table”?
I just Googled that to see if that’s a real thing and IT IS TOTALLY NOT. She is Barney Stinson-ing us into believing we can add “dimension” to our table setting by using “juxtaposition” of classic and modern tableware and stemware.
If a friend walked in my house, looked at my set table and said, “Wow, this juxtaposition really adds dimension to your tablescape,” that person would no longer be my friend because GTFOH and someone open a beer for me gawd.
7. Time to buy a dress!
I stroll down the street to No. 14 Boutique, which may be the chicest boutique in Pittsburgh. After previewing a few of the amazing pieces that they have in stock on Snapchat (No_14lville), I knew they would have the perfect hostess dress for me!
Yes! Head to a pricey boutique to find the perfect dress to wear with your 700-dollar shoes to host a dinner party for a few friends at your home where they’ll pee and poop while inhaling the scent of fresh flowers, eat while inhaling your signature scent wafting from 90-dollar candles, be surrounded by blooms in 300-dollar ginger jars, be served by you in your Jimmy Choos while wearing your new pricey fancy party dress after you’ve changed out of your pricey fancy party-shopping clothes, and dine on your fancy rented china on a dimensional tablescape of juxtapositions under your new fifteen-hundred-dollar chandelier that you bought just because you were throwing a “Pittsburgh-perfect” dinner party.
“Honey, I’m going to get started on cooking dinner for our friends. Can you go hang the new $1,500 chandelier I bought so I can set the table?” is a thing I would say that would 100% appear on the divorce papers my husband would file against me before the fresh blooms sucked in a millimeter of Chinoiserie ginger jarred water.
8. Finally …
Finally, our adventure has ended … is there time for a quick nap before the guests arrive?
DIDN’T BUY ANY DAMN FOOD FOR DINNER.
Maybe the 90-dollar dippy candles are vegan?
Did you smile at this ridiculousness? You know who could use a smile? The kids at Children’s Hospital. I’ve put up this year’s Make Room for Kids Amazon Wish List of the games and movies the kids in previously installed units need. These are for the cancer kids, transplant kids, heart kids, etc. We want to give them updated games and movies, so please pitch in and buy them one! All items will be shipped directly from Amazon to the Mario Lemieux Foundation in preparation for Make Room for Kids install in April. Thank you and group hug!