In which I read 197 ridiculous comments about deer so you don’t have to.

First, I’m very angry with myself.

I went back to read my last post about the flu virus where I was talking about how you simultaneously fear and want to French-kiss death, and I didn’t say, “Like if Ryan Gosling was portraying Hannibal Lecter.”

For shame. Flu virus just sucked the good writing out of me for a while.

Moving on, let’s talk about all those bonkers people in Mt. Lebanon who are still collectively losing their elite elitist shit over the deer cull AKA OPERATION BAMBI EXECUTION.

Not only did someone spray urine on the deer bait, but the residents are also sitting at their computer keyboards just …

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LOSING THEIR SHIT.

The Post Gazette published an article that the first deer had been culled, and yes, Mt. Lebanon residents on both sides of the issue went BALLISTIC in the comments. I mean, by their nature, comment sections are train wrecks. Add animal-killing to the mix and glory glory hallelujah happens. And if you think these people won’t find a way to work abortion or the holocaust into the comments, you are very very wrong (I’m not posting the holocaust stuff because no).

Here’s Beth, who warns your next life might find you ruled by pigs.

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Here’s Francis, realizing the next logical step is to CULL THE HUMAN HERD.

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Donna needs to take the scotch tape off of her caps lock key.

Capture3Francis fed the deer and then indicated they were frolicking. And then Mike is all, “TELL ME HOW THEY FROLIC, DAMN IT, FRANCIS.”

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Dan is sick. SICK.Capture5

Sandy is up on the grassy knoll calling out the MONEY HUNGRY KILLERS. (If Money Hungry Killers isn’t a goth rock band name, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.) And then Donna shows up again all THE KARMA BOOMERANG IS GOING TO KILL ALL OF THESE PEOPLE AND THEIR CHILDREN.

Donna might need to get a grip. Capture6

Here’s Pitts Burgh thinking about throwing dead dear in the Elite Elitist Gardeners’ gardens.

Hey! Tulips are living things too!Capture7

Mike ironically gets the mic drop. Derp. Capture8

TEAR YOUR HOUSES DAHN!Capture9

Abortion. Of course. Capture10

Oh, God. Now Todd has gone and done it.

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Oh, Alan.

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P.S. Ryan Gosling wants you to donate $5 to sick children. He told me so in my fever dream.





One last push and NEW GIVEAWAYS

I’ve spent the last eight days fighting through the fog of the flu virus, and let me tell you, that virus is a huge jerkface. You’re scared you’re dying, and at the exact same time you’re afraid you WON’T die, because at some point, death stops being something to be afraid of and starts being something you would kiss with tongue.

On the fifth day of The Death and Dying Sickness, the doctor walked into the exam room to see me after hearing my symptoms from the nurse and said, “I’m not even going to ask if you got the flu shot because I know the answer.”

Mean.

I’m mostly better and that means one last push to raise this final $2,500 for Make Room for Kids at the Mario Lemieux Foundation so we can outfit the dialysis and infusion units at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh with gaming, and take care of four new cancer unit rooms as well. We’ll also be updating and doing maintenance on every unit we’ve already outfitted in the last five years of the program. Transplant, cancer, frequent flyers, and more. Since I got the flu, some new giveaways have come in!

Let’s have a look.

–NEW! This Sidney Crosby autographed jersey complete with certificate of authenticity:

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–NEW! The Pirates came through and sent me an entire box of goodies, enough to split between two winners. I’ll probably run out and buy two cool Pirates bags to put the stuff in. There are bobbleheads, hats, shirts, ice cream bowls, sock monkeys and more!

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– NEW! Captain Bill Wichrowski’s (from Deadliest Catch) people reached out to me to offer me some stuff to give away. They’re sending it from his store in Florida today, and as soon as I get it, I’ll post a picture. The Captain is also a graduate of my alma mater, Norwin.

– Dave DiCello did as promised and donated his profits for a week to the fund, coming in at $1,000! One huge chunk of the pie, from one single person’s good heart. What an awesome Burgher. Still up for grabs is this donated 24 x 36 metal print.

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Pirates Home Opener tickets. Two tickets in section 116, Row Z, seats 1/2 for the Pirates Home Opener, the best most hopeful day of baseball prior to any ball played in October. Here’s your view:

 

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– The Penguins Foundation/Mario Lemieux Foundation Charity Gift Bag:

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With four fantastic bobbleheads, a Rick Tocchet-autographed puck and lots of other cool items. — The Penguins gave me a prize-pack to give away that includes …

  • Two lower-level tickets to the April 1 Pens/Flyers game at the CONSOL (Section 120 Row S)
  • A Kris Letang game-used hockey stick
  • An autographed Hornqvist jersey
  • And a Sidney Crosby-autographed 8 x 10 photo

So many great things you can win just by commenting or donating! Go here to comment to win, or if sick children move your heart and you want to help us give them a bit of distraction from their fears, pains, and treatments, then click on that Donate button up there and send that Karma Boomerang out into the world full of goodness and love.

May it return to you quickly.

Group hug!





Wouldst sir or madam desire some lower-level Pens/Flyers tickets?

We are buzzing along here quite nicely, raising funds for Make Room for Kids so that we can give some much-needed gaming to sick children in the dialysis, infusion, and cancer units at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh, as well as to update the gaming we’ve already provided for a bunch of other units at the hospital.

As I write this, we’re only $1,250 from the halfway mark.

As I promised you, MORE GIVEAWAYS …

Let’s recap what we already have to give away to celebrate this phase of Make Room For Kids! YOU DO NOT HAVE TO DONATE TO WIN. Anyone who donates via the “Donate” button under the thermometer on the left side there is automatically entered to win, and anyone who comments on the original post here is also entered to win, so make sure you comment with a real email address that I can reach you at should you win. However, I sure would appreciate any amount you could throw in the pot to help the sick kids. 

Pirates Home Opener tickets

Let me repeat that — PIRATES HOME OPENER TICKETS.

And now I can tell you where those tickets are: section 116, Row Z, seats 1/2

Which puts you right here about:

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You almost can’t handle it. But there’s more!

The Penguins Foundation/Mario Lemieux Foundation Charity Gift Bag that I bought with my own money because I love you all very much and I want you to have these things:

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Yes, that’s a Bortuzzo-autographed puck. Bortuzzo who was just traded away today. Let’s call it a collector’s item. Also four fantastic bobbleheads, a Rick Tocchet-autographed puck and lots of other cool items.

But wait! There’s more!

– The Penguins are giving me a prize-pack to give away that includes …

  • Two lower-level tickets to the April 1 Pens/Flyers game at the CONSOL (Section 120 Row S)
  • A Kris Letang game-used hockey stick
  • An autographed Hornqvist jersey
  • And a Sidney Crosby-autographed 8 x 10 photo

And that’s not all!

– This INSANE 24 x 36 metal print from Pittsburgh photographer Dave DiCello. Look at it. You can own it!

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But wait! There’s more!

– And finally, I’m still waiting to hear back from the Pirates. I think they’re hiding from me. I will be relentless and hopefully succeed in getting a gift bag from them too.

There’s also one other option for giving! Until Friday of this week, the incredibly generous Dave DiCello is donating 100% of his photography profits to Make Room For Kids. Go here to purchase some gifts for yourself or your loved ones and know that you’re also helping sick kids at the same time.

Or go here to comment.

Or click on that Donate button up there and spread some goodwill and positive karma.

Group hug for sick kids.





UPPITY. HEARTLESS. WENCH.

Well, it’s a good day when it starts out with me being called awesome names like UPPITY HEARTLESS WENCH, which I believe is Shakespeare, no?

Forsooth.

Yeah, I pissed off a bunch of people again. This time because I wrote a slightly humorous piece in support of the Mt. Lebanon deer cull plan because I don’t see what’s so awful about trying to control the population of deer and offering the meat up to the food banks.

I mean, these protestors DO know where their steaks come from, right? And their chicken? I mean, IT’S GOT THE WORD CHICKEN RIGHT IN IT. It’s an animal. That was killed.

Bawk.

Anyway, their general reaction to my piece was this:

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If you want to get pissed off at me and call me names too, then go read what I wrote about the overreaction of some residents, one who called the cull “cruel fascism” perpetrated by “elite elitist people.”

A snippet:

Mt. Lebanon in particular is being overrun by deer, with increasing encounters and accidents, so the community’s leaders decided to do something about it. They are implementing a plan to reduce the local deer population. Because they don’t want to call it “OPERATION BAMBI EXECUTION,” they’ve simply called it a “deer cull.” Sounds lovely and not at all bloody and deathy. 

Guys, look. I know I joke, but I am not an animal hater. I am a pigeon hater and a cat TOLERATOR. I don’t kill animals for sport and I honestly never could. That’s just me.  If you’re a hunter, fine. You do you. Meat is delicious.

But I understand the damage deer can do, especially if their population isn’t controlled in residential and highly populous areas, and if we can control the deer population and provide the meat to local food banks, I see that as a win-win.

I’m just being logical — or an UPPITY HEARTLESS WENCH.

Which is my new rapper name.

Go read and leave me nasty comments. I can take it.

Oh, and donate to sick kids! Please? PLEASE?! PLEASSEEEEEEE?!

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Make Room for Kids 2015 and a HOME OPENER GIVEAWAY

A doctor utters the word dialysis to an adult, and the trepidation sets in.

Hours upon hours sitting in a chair getting treatment for a life-threatening illness. Four hours or more at a time. Up to three days a week.

Oh, you have a life you need to live? That’s too bad. This is your new life for a while.

Say the word dialysis to a child, and they don’t know.

At first.

But soon, they’ll know, just like cancer kids learn to say the name of their 24-letter cancer type.

Sit still in this chair for HOURS ON END. With a NEEDLE IN YOUR BODY.

Want to see what it’s like? I found this video. Try not to cry at this bubbly little girl who very matter-of-factly tells you what it’s like …

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How would you like to tell your little child they have to experience that? For weeks, months, or maybe years?

I can’t fathom it. I had trouble informing my son there was a chance he would need a scoliosis back brace (he didn’t). I had trouble informing my little girl she might need to wear hearing aids one day (probably not).

Telling them they would undergo dialysis treatments? Nope. Then actually watching them go THROUGH IT? Nope nope nope.

Well, Burghers, this year with Make Room for Kids, we are going to show the dialysis patients at Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh some love. And like the billboard on Route 30 says, we are going to use love to turn them from patients, back into children.

We are going to give them lots of entertainment options to take their minds off of treatment while they are sitting in the dialysis chairs at CHP. We’re going to give them gaming, movies, and more. They will not be bored or focusing on their treatment. They will be distracted, smiling, forgetting.

We’re also going to be taking care of the nearby infusion unit, where, again, children must remain still while undergoing HOURS-LONG TREATMENTS. They need tablets, games, and more.

And we aren’t going to stop there. We are going to do some needed maintenance on other units we’ve already outfitted. Replace some broken XBOXs. Give them new games and controllers. We’ll be paying special attention to the epilepsy unit and we will be outfitting four additional patient rooms in the cancer unit.

Our goal is also to take care of those we’ve already taken care of. Keep their games and movies fresh.

It’s ambitious.

And I need your help. Microsoft’s regional employees, along with a corporate match, are doing their part to donate a good chunk of funds, but you and I? We have to take care of the other chunk.

A $10,000 chunk. Every penny will go directly to the Mario Lemieux Foundation and we’ll use it to buy what we need for our April installation at the hospital.

But I’m going to reward you. You don’t need to see a dorky picture of me; you’ve seen me at my worst.

But perhaps you might want to win …

– The Penguins Charity Gift bag I bought WITH MY OWN COLD HARD CASH. It should be arriving any day and I’ll let you know all the good stuff I get in it. It will all be yours.

– I’m begging the Pirates for a gift bag as well. I will have news on that shortly.

– The grand prize. One lucky winner will get TWO TICKETS TO THE PIRATES HOME OPENER WUT. I’m serious. The Home Opener. SQUEEEEEE.

Do you have to donate to win? No. Because that would run afoul of lottery laws. You can simply comment on this post to win, but if you have one single extra dollar to donate in love to these sick children, please use the donate button up there on the left under the thermometer. All donors to the drive are automatically entered into the drawing for the three prizes, and their email addresses will be combined with those who simply comment below to win, into one big prize-eligible pool.

I will award the prizes the MOMENT we hit $10,000.

Please help me help these kids and come April, you’re going to be so happy you did.

Group hug!