Category Archives: Daniel Sepulveda

What They’re Really Thinking: Fresh Hell Edition

RUN, PIGGY! RUNNNNNN!

You there. With the face.

Are you blaming Shaun Suisham? Have you said to yourself something like “stupid Shaun Swissmiss?”

Have you put any substantial weight for that loss on Shaun Suisham’s up-until-last-night-perfect shoulders?

(And now I’ve said that in my head with an English accent and went straight to my Princess Bride happy place where Westly is all, “… will echo in your pehr-fehct eee-ahs.”)

Did you say, “Man, bet Jeff Reed would’ve nailed that?”

Well, you stop it. Right now, you stop it.

The only thing Jeff Reed would have nailed yesterday would have been the slut with Jeff’s face tramp-stamped on her lower back, which would have gone along nicely with the picture of boobs Jeff probably has tramp-stamped on his.

1. If however, after the blocked punt that eventually led to a Titan touchdown you said, “Man. Bet Daniel Sepulveda never would have let that happen,” then to you I say, “That’s freaking church.”

First, it wouldn’t have been blocked.

Second, if by some power of Satan and a legion of pigeons it was blocked, Daniel would have DESTROYED the Titan who attempted to retrieve it, grabbed the ball from the ground, and wailed that mother to the end zone 98-yards away where Mike Wallace was, by some football miracle, standing there wide open, and that touchdown, that one right there and ONLY that one right there? Would have been worth 13 points.

What?

YOU shut up.

2. I need to calm down. Let’s look at something beautiful.

Soothe me, Ed.

3. Ike Taylor enrages me sometimes. Like, real rage. Like choke a bitch rage.

First, when he successfully defends a pass near the end zone, why does he then get in the Titan’s face and knock helmets with him? Does he realize this is not MMA? That he’s not going in for the lights-out, Chuck Lidell punch?

I don’t care what that Titan said about “yo mama” or “yo sister” or hell, even Myron Cope. You shut up and get back to your team and stop taking the stupid, stupid penalties, you sack of –

I need to calm down again. Hang on.

All better. Thanks, Ed.

Probably I shouldn’t call Ike Taylor a sack of shit.

WHOOPS!

4. The big story of this game, other than the fact that we lost to the Titans (PUKE!), is the injuries. Everyone got injured yesterday.

Maurkice on the first play. Rashard who knows when. And down they went like toy soldiers being trampled upon by a T-Rex. It got so bad at one point that Ed Hochuli invoked the pee-wee football rules for borrowing players:

5. The Duke of Fug had a pretty good game, with over 300-yards passing, a beautiful long bomb to the waiting hands of Mike Wallace who suddenly remembered he could catch long balls, and the surpassing of Terry Bradshaw for the most yards thrown by a Steelers quarterback over the course of their time with the team.

But all of that of course overshadowed by the fact that we lost. To the Titans. By a field goal.

PUKE.

6. We interrupt this WTRT to say, “This is what football in hell looks like.”

7. With all of our running backs out, Baron Batch got his chance to shine, finally. And he didn’t disappoint.

Do you know how much it takes for me to unfollow a Steeler on Twitter? But being a jerk to pretty much everyone that dares disagree with you and then telling an overweight fan to start working out will pretty much do it.

8. We interrupt this WTRT for an angry bird.

9. So we lost a lot of players, our defense shit the bed like a diaperless newborn, Coach Haley wants to make love to the bubble screen, and the Steelers are faced with a Shaun Suisam 54-yard field goal attempt to win the game. He nailed a 52-yarder earlier in the game.

But 52 yards is less than 54 yards.

Suisham lines up.

I freak out a little and quickly look at a photo of Ed Hochuli to calm me down:

Steeler Nation tenses:

And he misses it. STRAIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE. Could not have been straighter. But just a bit short.

And there’s less than a minute on the clock and that’s all the time Tennessee needs to destroy our defense, march down the field and line THEIR kicker up for a 40-yard field goal.

40 is less than 54.

By a lot.

He kicks.

All of Steeler Nation invokes juju and spells and evil eyes and eyes of newts (newti?) and they pray to all of their gods and …

 

Sigh. We’re 2-3 now and no amount of gazing at Ed Hochuli is going to make that feel any better.

Our defense is injured and miserable.

Our offensive line is just decimated.

Ike Taylor is a giant sack of turds.

And we’ve just completed the EASY part of our schedule.

The line for flinging yourself from the Rachel Carson bridge forms here.





What They’re Really Thinking: Mini-camp Edition

While we’ve all been wrapped up in the glory of the Pittsburgh Pirates — That’s right. The GLORY of the Pittsburgh Pirates, although if you believe any of these analysts, this is an early-season fluke that will wind up with us anywhere from fourth place to the seventh circle of baseball hell where demon-scavengers feed on our carcass. I choose to believe that all those so-called baseball experts can bite me and the ghost of Roberto Clemente. (Also, Tabata’s throw to second in the 9th to nail the Indian trying for a double? I wonder if that’s how Roberto threw.)

While we’ve been wrapped up in baseball, the Steelers, minus Mike Wallace who is holding out, have been holding mini-camp where some things are the same and some things are not.

Casey Hampton continues to host zip codes in his belly button while hunting down his ever-missing fluffernutters.

Meanwhile, there’s a new punter wearing Daniel’s number 9 and he has wisely chosen to shield us from his non-Sepulvedian face lest the ladies of Steeler Nation lose their collective shit.

That bubble better never pop, sir.

Ben, forever missing his TLA B.A., is having trouble understanding his new coach Todd Haley who might as well be Charlie Brown’s mom:

Even worse? Haley introduced Benny to his new offensive line which now includes a little person, a dog, and a Mexican Lucha Libre.

Neither Charlie nor Ben seem too happy with Haley’s methods right now:

I can’t wait for the first time Haley and Ben go at it on the sidelines.

[gasp!]

CAN I BE SLAP BET COMMISSIONER?!

P.S. I intentionally left this picture out because DOUBLE YOU TEE EFF, JAMES HARRISON?!?





My hug wish list

This is not satire. This is not a fake news story. This is not The Onion. This is REAL:

Pittsburgh, the World’s Most Huggable City

The City of Pittsburgh has  been voted the most liveable (sic) city, the top ten Best in the World for tourism among many awards  and now PositivelyPittsburghLiveMagzine.com (sic) and Pittsburgh City Council have teamed up to prove that Pittsburgh is the Most Loveable, Most Huggable City!  Using the model of the international phenomenon of the “Free Hug Campaign” PPLMag.com plans to create a spectacular event on September 6, 2012 with preview events leading up to it.   The goal is to create an event that brings attention and prominence to “Pittsburgh’s best asset, the friendliness of its citizens.”

What’s Happening When and Where!

  • February 14th Proclamation declaring September 6th as Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Day.  There will also be a group hug with City Council Members.
  • Hug Ambassador Events are open auditions to be huggers at the Hug-A-Thon Events of September 6th.
  • Hug Ambassador Auditions will be held in the City Council Districts of Darlene Harris, William Peduto, and Theresa Smith.
  • Hug Auditions scheduled during the months of March, May, July and August
  • Hug Ambassador Categories will include, but aren’t limited to: Best Granny Hugger, Best EMS Hugger, Best Sports Hugger, Best Entertainment and Media Hugger
The Hug Ambassador Event Winners will be determined by Facebook contributions and donations raised at the event for four area charities.  Hug Auditions are scheduled during the months of March, May, July and August.  These will be preview events to the September 6,  Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh™
September 6, 2012 Outdoor Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Event and Gala

  • The outdoor event will be held in five locations in downtown Pittsburgh.  These Hug locations are the City County Building, Market Square, Katz Plaza, underneath Macy’s Clock, and the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown.
  • Times to get a “free” hug and make your optional donations:  2:30 PM to 5:30 PM at these locations
  • There will be signage and entertainment to draw attention to the Huggers.
  • The hugs will be free.  Donations will be accepted and the donations will benefit four local charities.
  • The Presenting Sponsor is Wyndham Grand Downtown and the first official Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Gala will be held in the Wyndham Grand Ballroom. Celebrity Hug Stations will be set up around the room.  Celebrities will include local sports figures, media personalities, and entertainers. Local musical and variety entertainment has been engaged for both the lobby of the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown and the ballroom from 5:30 PM to 8:30 PM.

“I am proud to be a part of this great campaign and to show how much Pittsburgh cares about its local charities.  Pittsburgh is hands-down the World’s Most Lovable City!” Bill Peduto.

Thoughts:

1. I can find the minutes to the meeting, but I cannot find any pictures of the February 14th City Council group hug session! THIS IS A FIRST-WORLD TRAVESTY! What if there is a picture of Lukey hugging Bill Peduto?!

2. I’m happy it’s for charity because otherwise this would be the most ridiculous thing since Gus the Groundhog’s birth.

3. How does one judge a hug audition? Too much squeeze? Limp squeeze? Too much breast pressure? Not enough breast pressure? Too handsy? Not handsy enough? Too much butt grabbage? Would it be like American Idol auditions? “I’ve had five-week old lettuce firmer than your hugs.” Would it be like Dirty Dancing with Johnny? “Look at your arms — Spaghetti arms. You gotta hold your frame.”

4. I miss Patrick Swayze.

5. This event is BurghBaby‘s worst nightmare. That girl HATES hugs.

6. My celebrity wish list for hugs … David Conrad, Mike Wallace, Randy Baumann, Jim Krenn, Daniel Sepulveda, AJ Burnett, Wendy Bell, Sally Wiggin, Matt Lamanna, Mike Tomlin, DAN BYLSMA, DAN BYLSMA, DAN BYLSMA, Sexhair, Sexgoal, Gina Cerilli, Elena LaQuatra, Patrick Jordan, Mario, Fort McKenry, Troysus and DAN BYLSMA.

What? Tell me you don’t believe Dan Bylsma would give the best hugs ever.

We won’t know until we try. To grab his butt.

(h/t Summer)





Random n’at

1. So I had a thought and I’m going to share it with you. Ready?

I was watching a boxing match on HBO this weekend and I wondered why other one-on-one sports don’t do the whole pre-bout hooplah that professional boxing does. For instance, wouldn’t it be awesome if there were player introductions in professional tennis matches? The announcer would be all, “In this court, playing out of Melbourne, Australia and weighing in at 185 pounds with a blistering serve of 142 miles per hour …” and the whole time this is going on, the player’s entourage, all wearing matching Evian shirts or Rolex shirts, are standing behind the player nodding very seriously into the camera while making the “we’re number one” finger point, maybe hoisting the player’s most recent trophy for all to see. Rubbing the player’s shoulders. Pumping him or her up.

Genius, yes?

2. I didn’t know this until reader Zachary pointed it out to me, but they remade Ice Castles in 2010?! I hope the ghost of Collen Dewhurst terrorized the shit out of those involved in this sacrilegious travesty.

3. If you haven’t seen this yet, Pittsburgh photographer Aaron Hobson has combed through, gosh, probably thousands and thousands of miles of Google Street View images and discovered that there is beauty to be found in the space between the boring grey cement.  Here’s just a snip of one, but you must click and see the rest.

Stunning.

(h/t Jennifer)

4. This doesn’t have anything to do with Pittsburgh but I’m sharing it because 1. reader Aubrey who sent it to me directed her email to Mrs. Self United Conrad-Lamanna-Sepulveda-Manganiello and 2. I really wish someone in Pittsburgh would do this because it is AWESOME and 3. I’m just going to say this — 1:08. 1:08. 1:08. ONE MINUTES AND EIGHT SECONDS IN IS WHEN THE CRAZY HAPPENS!

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5. Would Mrs. Conrad-Lamanna-Sepulveda-Manganiello-Montanez be too presumptuous of a personalized stationery?

6. [Adds "Mrs. Conrad-Lamanna-Sepulveda-Manganiello-Montanez stationery" to Christmas wish list]

7. If you’re in Eat n’ Park anytime soon, you’ll want to purchase a $2 raffle ticket to win a new Ford Focus (Hey, husband! Say “focus” for me!) with all proceeds going to the Caring for Kids Campaign which raises money for Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh. SICK KIDS!

8. I love Pittsburgh Dad so much. Here’s the latest episode, a special Thanksgiving treat!

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True story, my father spent a good portion of his life in those glasses and has been known to tuck a sweater into jeans.

And the true belly laugh is the “get nice and bonkers and play a little game called ‘Which One of Us Can Break Something First.’”

Man, I rocked at that game when I was younger.

9. A little conversation with my mother:

My phone: RING RING, BITCH.

Me: Hello.

Mom: Hey, honey! I’m thinking about the Christmas gifts for the kids and have you heard about this Cyber Day thing?

Me: Yep.

Mom: Okay. I’m on Amazon.com. How do I do this?

Me: [headdesk]

Bunch of phone calls and minutes later

My phone: RING RING, BITCH. IT’S YOUR MOTHER AGAIN LOL.

Me: Hello?

Mom: Okay, I can’t figure out how in the world I add something to my cart. You need to come over here.

Me: Mom, do you see that big yellow button that says “Add to Cart”?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Click it.

Mom: [silence] Oh! I did it!

Me: [headdesk]

Bunch of minutes and phone calls later

My phone: LOLOLOLOLOL!

Me: Hello?

Mom: Can you come over here and complete this purchase for me?

Gotta love my Mom.

10. What They’re Really Thinking will be up later tonight, once I’ve digested the fact that Tyler Freaking Palko almost beat us.





What They’re Really Thinking: NSFW? Edition

Yes, Pittsburgh. I attended yesterday’s game, the first game I’ve gone to in a while on account of I’m a baby about being cold. I’m already cold in general as I’m one of those people who is most comfortable when it’s a hazy, hot, humid 99 degrees outside, so sitting outside in the freezing Pittsburgh winter for four hours isn’t really my idea of fun.

I prefer to sit on my couch with my family around me where I can jump up and down and swear and high-five my father and then apologize for the swearing and then swear some more.

But the opportunity to be in the same stadium as Tom Brady and to evil eye him until I got a migraine? To hex him with words I learned in MacBeth? To stab the huevos of his voodoo doll while I have mine eyes upon him? WORTH THE SHIVERS. My hate for Tom Brady and Bill Belichick is beyond biblical. They’d need to add an amendment after Revelations to cover this kind of hate.

I bundled up and I marched to Heinz Field, stopped briefly at the tailgate where the Mexicans, including my husband, were warm with tequila (TEQUILA! Let’s do a shot every time I write “tequila.” TEQUILA!), met Janelle Hall for a hot minute (She is super fine. Holy moly. Gorgeous. I told her so. Then I told her to step off Daniel Sepulveda. Just in case.) and headed into the stadium to get to work on Tom Brady as my pre-stated goal was to have him growing a nipple on his forehead by the fourth quarter.

When asked about my promise at the pregame presser, Tom was his usual douchy self:

They tried to ask Bill Belichick about it, but he was mum:

Let’s talk football and satisfying wins!

1. Heath Miller had a ridiculously monster first quarter, with what seemed like five catches in the first drive alone. Heath over the middle. Heath over the middle. Heath over the middle. Again and again. He is Chewbacca; hear him ARRRRRRAAA.

2. The entire first quarter and much of the second quarter was just beautiful football and it felt so good to be out in front of the hated Patriots early. And they are HATED. I have never heard so many insults thrown at one person as were thrown at Bill Belichick throughout the entire game.

I tweeted this yesterday, but there was a man sitting behind me and he looked like your dad. Gray hair. Early 60s. Wedding ring. Not even a HINT of yinzer in him. Looked like a business man wearing dockers and a jacket. Very distinguished. At one point when Belichick was arguing a call, screaming on the sidelines at the ref, this man stood up and yelled at the top of his completely sober lungs: “Belichick! You son of a bitch! You’re a piece of shit! I hate you, ya cheating mother*@^#er!”

And I laughed. And I wanted to hug that dad.

And that’s how it went the whole game. Constant trash talking toward Belichick:

And I know what the Pats fans will say. “Stay classy, Pittsburgh.”

You know what’s not classy? Cheating.

Bazinga.

3. I did love watching Troysus on two particular tackles. The one of Wes Welker when Troysus knocked him into 2012, to which the dad behind me screamed, “YOU STAY DOWN! YOU STAY DOWN, WELKER!”

And the tackle where he rode Gronkowski like he was comin’ ’round the mountain.

Clearly my hex was working.

4. The thing I could not hex was the Patriots’ O-line because other than the few times we got to him, Tom Brady was rarely hurried and at one point, he just stood as still as a statue in the pocket, waiting for a receiver to get open. He almost always had all day to throw the ball. That pissed me off so bad. I hexed harder.

5. The Duke of Fug and the Earl of Gross had a stellar game, didn’t buckle under pressure other than that pesky interception that made me all “SON OF A BITCH,” and generally just controlled a great portion of the game and the clock.  He is doing his best to make me not hate him.

Because if we lost to the Patriots at a game I attended due to a Benny interception? They’d have to amend the Bible AFTER the Tom Brady Book of Hate.

Oh, wait! I forgot about that one 3rd and 3, I think it was, pass to GOD KNOWS WHO IN THE ENDZONE. Maybe Casper? Maybe a fan in the stands? Giving the Patriots the ball and a small glimmer of hope to win the game.

That made me throw up in my mouth a little bit. Luckily it was hot chocolate.

6. Hines who?

[ducks]

Nine receivers had catches and Antonio Brown was all over the place. So, really, Hines who?

[ducks] [pops up and throws rotten eggs]

7. I did not get to see Daniel Sepulveda punt until the very very last seconds of the game. Yay for the Steelers that they didn’t need him. But BOO FREAKING HOO FOR ME.

8. Suisham is making me all nervous anymore, you guys. First with the wonky kickand then I knew he was going to miss the 42-yarder.

I said it to my husband. “He is going to miss this.”

My husband said, “There’s no wind. He’s got this.”

I said, “He’s going to miss it. I can’t watch.” I covered my eyes.

He said, “Oh. He missed it.”

I said, “Scream ‘focus, Suisham’ for me.”

It’s a miracle my real husband puts up with me.

Also, if we lost this game by three points or less, they would have had to just write a new bible all about hate, rage, smiting, and forehead nipples.

9. The last few minutes of the game, when it looked like we would win, but that there was still a chance Tom could pull a victory out with one nice long pass, I was shivering and it wasn’t because I was cold. It was stress. Pure stress and the exertion of hexing. All of my muscles were tight and aching. My stomach was roiling at the prospect, however small, of leaving the stadium with a loss and no nipple on Tom Brady’s forehead.

Then Brett Keisel performed a miracle and Troysus saw the miracle and he punched that miracle into the endzone.  Ziggy Hood ran down the miracle, scooped it into his arms, and SAFE-TYYYYYYYYYY!

CHAOS IN THE STADIUM! The dad behind me was screaming “YES, YES, YES, YOU MOTHERF*#@ERS!”

I was jumping up and down and hugging my real husband for joy. Not just joy that we won. But joy that it was the hated Patriots we beat. The demons were slayed. Good killed evil. And most importantly, the hex worked.

You’re welcome.

Also, YOU TRY TO PUT A NIPPLE ON A FOREHEAD IN MS PAINT!

This was the best game I could have chosen to attend and I’m so so glad I did.

However, next week is going to be just as much a battle. We have the Ravens (spits) and we’re facing them without Woodley and possibly without Hines or James Harrison or Farrior and more.

I wonder if I can get a foot to grow out of Ray Lewis’ butt.

TEQUILA, TEQUILA, TEQUILA!






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