Category Archives: David Conrad

Random n’at

1. Last night at the Cirque Dreams show at Heinz Hall (more on that soon), I gave away my first Moo Minicard to reader Magnus Patris, who REQUESTED the jagoffs card.

And here I was going to hand him a self-united one.

His loss!

2. Two new lists about Pittsburgh!

My God, we’re going to have egos the size of Antarctica soon.

(h/t Jen)

3. But then we remember that Dance Moms is filmed here and our egos go PSSSSSSSSSSSSssssssshhhhhhhhhh.

That’s the sound of deflation. I’ve never typed it out before. There you go.

4. Love Benstonium’s video parodying the Clint Eastwood commercial:

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I can’t wait for their first Buccos video of the year!


5. Speaking of the Buccos of Suckitude!

I’ve featured this shirt before, but this is my husband’s favorite shirt in the world right now mostly because of how freaking soft it is. I think I’m going to hand these out on the bandwagon this year.


You can get one here at Fresh Factory!

6. Speaking of the Buccos some more!


Going to send that to Clint Hurdle.

(h/t Charles)

7. First ever craft beer week in Pittsburgh?!


8. My self-united husband, future NBC star, and future best friend David Conrad narrates UNDAUNTED: The Forgotten Giants of the Allegheny Observatory:

UNDAUNTED: The Forgotten Giants of the Allegheny Observatory Official Movie Trailer from Dan Handley on Vimeo.

(h/t Cari)

9. The Knitting Lady has been BUSY!

Taken January 6:

Hi, Mario. Will you marry me? Or maybe I can just hand you a self-united card if I ever see you again.

Taken Saturday in Buffalo:

Lucky girl!

I’ma hand all those boys a self-united card.

You too, Knitting Lady.

Readin’ and thievin’

Alternate title: Because Kleptomaniacs Read Too

Apparently all the petty thieves (not to be confused with the Sharply Dressed Penny Thief) get their books and fish from the Bethel Park Public Library where the following chain of events has happened since last fall when 15 Glofish were purchased for the library’s aquarium:

— One died.

— Five disappeared over Thanksgiving. And I do mean disappeared. Gone.

— One fish disappeared per week until Christmas when there was only one fish left. (Hmm. That math doesn’t add up. And I totally carried the one. [thoughtfully chews on pipe stem])

— A few weeks ago, the last fish disappeared, leaving the tank completely empty.

— Somewhere in there, the algae eater disappeared too.

And that’s not all!

McIntosh witnessed a patron emptying the contents of a commercial canister of sugar into a plastic sandwich bag. The library used to supply individual small cups of liquid coffee creamer, but patrons stole those.

Last summer, someone was found picking green bell peppers from the library’s outdoor garden.

And now there’s a new item being stolen: Styrofoam cups.

This is kind of hilarious.

As an unofficial member of CSI:Pittsburgh, I’m willing to bet my Sunglasses of Justice on the thieves being either our growing Pittsburgh Petty Criminals Posse

… or the elderly.

Those old people will steal ANYTHING that isn’t nailed down. Heck, my grandma used to have a purse full of Sweet ‘n Low and she could have coated three loaves of toast with the various jam packets in there.

I can’t wait to be old so I can steal anything I want and get away with it — just shoving random crap I want into my giant giant purse.

Watch your back, David Conrad.

(h/t Lisa K.)

Random n’at

1. Thank you so much for your donations! 18 hours and we’ve already reached our 25% goal.

One thing that I’ve recently come to understand is how childhood cancer can absolutely ravage a small body.

This post over here is a perfect illustration of that. See young Cole before he got cancer, and then see his photo a few months prior to his death just a few weeks ago, after a one year battle with leukemia.

My brain really has a problem processing that.

2.  Due to Kirby Wilson’s injuries and likely lengthy rehab from burns suffered when his home caught fire, it looks like he’ll not be moving to the OC position because the Steelers new offensive coordinator is Todd Haley.

[Note to editor: Insert something here that makes it sound like I know who the hell Todd Haley is.]

Shit. I’M the editor.

Okay, is this him?

3.  Alyssa Milano, Antonio Brown, and Joe Manganiello (step off!) at a Super Bowl party in Indianapolis:

(Getty Images)

If you stare at Antonio’s suit long enough, you will legit seize.

4.  A man bought a pigeon for $328,000.

No, I’m not just typing in random numbers and commas. That’s REALLY how much he paid.

The only way I’d pay that much money for a pigeon is if it was a Terminator pigeon programmed to annihilate every single one of his brethren on the planet. While pooping diamonds.

(h/t Becky and others whose emails I lost. I’ll give my editor a scolding about that. … SHIT.)

5. It appears the Occupy Pittsburgh protestors are indeed going quietly into that good night, as the camp is reportedly now deserted except for some tents whose owners are AWOL, and one random dude.

If you missed it last week, KDKA had an expose that showed that no one was really sleeping at Occupy Pittsburgh for some time now, except for a homeless guy.

Look, I don’t blame them. Camping for three days is awful. Camping for 100 days is homelessness. Also? RATS.

Some protesters have erected what they call “the ark” from a pile of wooden shipping pallets that were used to keep their tents off the ground. The purpose isn’t clear, but the only animals seen entering or leaving have been rats.

Oh, hell no. The only way I’d camp with rats is if the rats are Terminator rats who are programmed — you see where I’m going with this?

Here’s an AP photo of the Ark:

Hmm. I think they’re off by a couple cubits.

Those of you that know your Bible stories thought that joke was HILARIOUS. CUBITS!

Remind me to tell you my joke about a Pharisee and a Sadducee walking into a bar.

6.  My family and I have been emailing back and forth about the Hoodie Footie pajamas commercial.

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Marshmallow-y soft!

I actually have one sister who admits she would totally wear these abominations.

I won’t tell you which sister said it, but, Princess Aurora.


7. My first self-united husband and future best friend David Conrad has been signed onto a new pilot for NBC called “Beautiful People” naturally.

The sci-fi project, from Cougar Town writer Michael McDonald, is set in a future world in which humans co-exist with life-like androids, known as ‘Mechanicals’.  Conrad will play Jerry, an entrepreneur and genius who is an expert at designing and marketing the sophisticated Mechanical servants.

Sophisticated Mechanicals would be a kickass band name.

(h/t Cari)

8.  Found on Pinterest and I can’t for the life of me find the original source. You know you want to do this for your wedding guests! What a cute and classy way to help guests find their tables at a Pittsburgh wedding.

Just make sure you serve something with fries on top!

Random n’at

1. So I had a thought and I’m going to share it with you. Ready?

I was watching a boxing match on HBO this weekend and I wondered why other one-on-one sports don’t do the whole pre-bout hooplah that professional boxing does. For instance, wouldn’t it be awesome if there were player introductions in professional tennis matches? The announcer would be all, “In this court, playing out of Melbourne, Australia and weighing in at 185 pounds with a blistering serve of 142 miles per hour …” and the whole time this is going on, the player’s entourage, all wearing matching Evian shirts or Rolex shirts, are standing behind the player nodding very seriously into the camera while making the “we’re number one” finger point, maybe hoisting the player’s most recent trophy for all to see. Rubbing the player’s shoulders. Pumping him or her up.

Genius, yes?

2. I didn’t know this until reader Zachary pointed it out to me, but they remade Ice Castles in 2010?! I hope the ghost of Collen Dewhurst terrorized the shit out of those involved in this sacrilegious travesty.

3. If you haven’t seen this yet, Pittsburgh photographer Aaron Hobson has combed through, gosh, probably thousands and thousands of miles of Google Street View images and discovered that there is beauty to be found in the space between the boring grey cement.  Here’s just a snip of one, but you must click and see the rest.


(h/t Jennifer)

4. This doesn’t have anything to do with Pittsburgh but I’m sharing it because 1. reader Aubrey who sent it to me directed her email to Mrs. Self United Conrad-Lamanna-Sepulveda-Manganiello and 2. I really wish someone in Pittsburgh would do this because it is AWESOME and 3. I’m just going to say this — 1:08. 1:08. 1:08. ONE MINUTES AND EIGHT SECONDS IN IS WHEN THE CRAZY HAPPENS!

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5. Would Mrs. Conrad-Lamanna-Sepulveda-Manganiello-Montanez be too presumptuous of a personalized stationery?

6. [Adds “Mrs. Conrad-Lamanna-Sepulveda-Manganiello-Montanez stationery” to Christmas wish list]

7. If you’re in Eat n’ Park anytime soon, you’ll want to purchase a $2 raffle ticket to win a new Ford Focus (Hey, husband! Say “focus” for me!) with all proceeds going to the Caring for Kids Campaign which raises money for Children’s Hospital of Pittsburgh. SICK KIDS!

8. I love Pittsburgh Dad so much. Here’s the latest episode, a special Thanksgiving treat!

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True story, my father spent a good portion of his life in those glasses and has been known to tuck a sweater into jeans.

And the true belly laugh is the “get nice and bonkers and play a little game called ‘Which One of Us Can Break Something First.'”

Man, I rocked at that game when I was younger.

9. A little conversation with my mother:


Me: Hello.

Mom: Hey, honey! I’m thinking about the Christmas gifts for the kids and have you heard about this Cyber Day thing?

Me: Yep.

Mom: Okay. I’m on How do I do this?

Me: [headdesk]

Bunch of phone calls and minutes later


Me: Hello?

Mom: Okay, I can’t figure out how in the world I add something to my cart. You need to come over here.

Me: Mom, do you see that big yellow button that says “Add to Cart”?

Mom: Yes.

Me: Click it.

Mom: [silence] Oh! I did it!

Me: [headdesk]

Bunch of minutes and phone calls later


Me: Hello?

Mom: Can you come over here and complete this purchase for me?

Gotta love my Mom.

10. What They’re Really Thinking will be up later tonight, once I’ve digested the fact that Tyler Freaking Palko almost beat us.

Random n’at

(Photo from Philip G. Pavely/Trib)

1. Today, despite having not heard the song since it was popular mumble years ago, I got Cher’s “Just Like Jesse James” stuck in my head.

That’s messed up shit, as earworms go. I’d rather have Air Supply stuck in there.

Shit. Now I have Air Supply stuck in there.

2. My fourth self-united husband Joe Manganiello is in town this week as he visits his alma mater Mt. Lebanon High School to accept an award and also hosts a fundraiser for SICK KIDS. He spent some time yesterday visiting kids on the 9th floor of Children’s Hospital, the Oncology and “Frequent Fliers” floor, which you remember we outfitted this spring with gaming thanks to Make Room for Kids.

See. I don’t just pick hot self-united husbands. I pick kindred spirits. Bosom friends. Good neighbors.

Step off.

3. I’m attending the showing of Wicked Thursday night with my sister Princess Aurora of Wexfordhampsminstershire and I am dying to find out what all the fuss is about this show. My mother has been going on about it forever, it seems. Almost all of the shows are sold out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t snag a ticket now that the Cultural Trust has announced a $25 ticket lottery for Orchestra seats!

A day-of-performance lottery for a limited number of orchestra seats will be held daily for WICKED, which will be performing from Wednesday, September 7 through Sunday, October 2, at the Benedum Center.  Each day, 2½ hours prior to show time people who present themselves at the Theater Square Box Office, 655 Penn Avenue, downtown Pittsburgh will have their names placed in a lottery drum and then thirty minutes later, names will be drawn for a limited number of orchestra seats at $25 each, cash only.  This lottery is available only in-person at the box office, with a limit of two tickets per person.

Awesome and worth the shot.

4. The Sidney Crosby presser was exactly what we thought it would be. Sid feels better, up to 80-90%, but still no timetable for his return.

However, the good news is that his doctors are optimistic he will have a long career.

All we know for sure right now is this: Sid is in town and he is still super adorable.

Also, Sid’s doctor called Sid a Ferrari.

Should I be worried my doctor calls me a Winnebago?


5.  Local band 1-2-3, the duo behind the Work song and video that I love so much, have a show coming up this Sunday at Mr. Smalls!

I’ve never been to Mr. Smalls. Does that make me a bad Burgher?

6. One of the prizes for the Rachel Carson Homestead Raffle is pretty freaking awesome and involves my charter self-united husband:

City councilman Bill Peduto and actor David Conrad have agreed to donate their time as an amazing prize package in the Community Experiences Raffle. The two have agreed to team up on  September 24th, 2011, at 1:00pm  and act as personal chefs for one lucky winner and 10 of their closest friends. They will barbecue and socialize at the Homestead (food and beer provided by RCHA).

Details here!

7. Pittsburgh police are working hard to eradicate drug dealers from downtown via Operation: Stink Bug.

Man, I have said this before and I will say it again now. I would REALLY like to be the person who gets to name operations.

Operation: Hellfire Scourge Death Bomb

Operation: Incontinent Tarantula

Operation: Oozing Orifice

Operation: Son of McBeam

How awesome would it be to hear Ken Rice be all, “Pittsburgh police rounded up 23 suspected downtown drug dealers today via Operation: Teat of Goat …”

8. The Seattle Seahawks cut Jeff Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Reed who they signed after he was released by the team that wears the gold pants. I’m not good with names.

One writer with Seattle Weekly is sad about it:

The proximate cause of Reed’s dismissal was the fact that only three of his five kickoffs in the Seahawks’ preseason finale on Friday made it to the end zone. At 32, he’s getting on in years, especially considering that he’s lived many of those years to a remarkable degree of excess.

“Remarkable degree of excess.”

I like that. It makes all the drinking and whoring he did sound so refined.

I’m going to steal that.

  • “But officer! I wasn’t stalking Jeff Jimmerson; I was just observing him with a remarkable degree of excess.”
  • “I didn’t inhale a jar of Nutella; I simply partook of it to a remarkable degree of excess.”
  • “I didn’t murder the pigeon; I simply tased it to a remarkable degree of excess.”
  • “The Pirates are sucking to a remarkable degree of excess lately.”

9. Remarkable Degree of Excess would make a good band name.

So would Teat of Goat.