Category Archives: Downtown happenings
Let’s see. We have the Enthusiastic Rogue Tree Pruner, the Petunia Desperado, and the Sharply Dressed Penny Thief wreaking their havoc on Gotham.
Today, a new villain was discovered. This one the most fearsome. The most threatening. The most … roll-y.
Police in Pittsburgh are looking for a man in a wheelchair who robbed a person near the city’s Greyhound station. According to police reports, a man told them he was robbed early Tuesday morning in the 1000 block of Liberty Avenue. The victim told police that a man in a wheelchair, who had only one leg, accosted him and claimed to have a gun, though the victim said he never saw it. The robber then fled the scene.
1. The GIANT COJONES of this bandit to even think he could ever pull off a robbery with one leg, no visible weapon, while seated in a wheelchair … AND THEN TO SUCCEED. We should bronze his balls and put them in the Smithsonian.
2. On a scale of “Hella!” to “Crawl in a hole and die,” how embarrassed would you be to have to tell the cops you were robbed by a one-legged man in a wheelchair who showed no visible weapon before taking your wallet and then casually rolling away?
3. If wheelchairs had license plates, this case could be solved so fast, but since they don’t, I guess we’ll have to hope the police can narrow down the list of suspects to ALL THE PEOPLE IN PITTSBURGH WITH ONE LEG.
4. Honestly, if a one-legged man in a wheelchair came up to me and told me he was robbing me, I’d probably have looked at him, looked at his leg, looked at him again, and then said either, “Am I having a stroke?” or “Am I on Candid Camera?”
5. Someone call Batman. Maybe next time the One-Legged Wheelchair Bandit strikes, he can, I don’t know, grab the push-handles when the perp tries to roll away.
[swishes cape and runs off in dramatic fashion]
PITTSBURGH — The Pittsburgh bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious package, which turned out to be a box of bread.The package was found at the intersection of Smallman and 21st streets in the city’s Strip District.
The box looked suspicious, which is why police brought in the bomb squad.
Now, there are many ways the WPXI writer could have closed out this story.
- “No injuries were reported.”
- “No one was injured in the process.”
- “There were no injuries.”
Let’s see how the WPXI writer CHOSE to end the story:
The bread did not cause any injuries.
The bread did not cause any injuries!
1. It would be hard for bread to inflict injury, on account of how soft and fluffy it is.
2. I bet the WPXI writer held back a giggle as he or she hit “Publish” on that one.
3. This is one of those times I’d like to have been in on the conversation between the dispatcher and the bomb squad.
Dispatcher: Yeah, we’ve got a 1-9-3 in progress. Smallman and 21st. Suspicious package.
Bomb Squad: Is it ravioli?
Bomb Squad: Another pasta?
Dispatcher: It is not pasta of any sort.
Bomb Squad: We’re enroute. How large is the suspicious package? Would you say it’s bigger than a bread box?
Dispatcher: It is a bread box.
Bomb Squad: FML.
- September 7, 2011
- filed under City Council, David Conrad, Downtown happenings, Famous Burghers, Hot Burghers, Ken Rice, Make Room for Kids, Penguins, Sidney Crosby
- 26 comments
1. Today, despite having not heard the song since it was popular mumble years ago, I got Cher’s “Just Like Jesse James” stuck in my head.
That’s messed up shit, as earworms go. I’d rather have Air Supply stuck in there.
Shit. Now I have Air Supply stuck in there.
2. My fourth self-united husband Joe Manganiello is in town this week as he visits his alma mater Mt. Lebanon High School to accept an award and also hosts a fundraiser for SICK KIDS. He spent some time yesterday visiting kids on the 9th floor of Children’s Hospital, the Oncology and “Frequent Fliers” floor, which you remember we outfitted this spring with gaming thanks to Make Room for Kids.
See. I don’t just pick hot self-united husbands. I pick kindred spirits. Bosom friends. Good neighbors.
3. I’m attending the showing of Wicked Thursday night with my sister Princess Aurora of Wexfordhampsminstershire and I am dying to find out what all the fuss is about this show. My mother has been going on about it forever, it seems. Almost all of the shows are sold out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t snag a ticket now that the Cultural Trust has announced a $25 ticket lottery for Orchestra seats!
A day-of-performance lottery for a limited number of orchestra seats will be held daily for WICKED, which will be performing from Wednesday, September 7 through Sunday, October 2, at the Benedum Center. Each day, 2½ hours prior to show time people who present themselves at the Theater Square Box Office, 655 Penn Avenue, downtown Pittsburgh will have their names placed in a lottery drum and then thirty minutes later, names will be drawn for a limited number of orchestra seats at $25 each, cash only. This lottery is available only in-person at the box office, with a limit of two tickets per person.
Awesome and worth the shot.
4. The Sidney Crosby presser was exactly what we thought it would be. Sid feels better, up to 80-90%, but still no timetable for his return.
However, the good news is that his doctors are optimistic he will have a long career.
All we know for sure right now is this: Sid is in town and he is still super adorable.
Also, Sid’s doctor called Sid a Ferrari.
Should I be worried my doctor calls me a Winnebago?
I’ve never been to Mr. Smalls. Does that make me a bad Burgher?
6. One of the prizes for the Rachel Carson Homestead Raffle is pretty freaking awesome and involves my charter self-united husband:
City councilman Bill Peduto and actor David Conrad have agreed to donate their time as an amazing prize package in the Community Experiences Raffle. The two have agreed to team up on September 24th, 2011, at 1:00pm and act as personal chefs for one lucky winner and 10 of their closest friends. They will barbecue and socialize at the Homestead (food and beer provided by RCHA).
7. Pittsburgh police are working hard to eradicate drug dealers from downtown via Operation: Stink Bug.
Man, I have said this before and I will say it again now. I would REALLY like to be the person who gets to name operations.
Operation: Hellfire Scourge Death Bomb
Operation: Incontinent Tarantula
Operation: Oozing Orifice
Operation: Son of McBeam
How awesome would it be to hear Ken Rice be all, “Pittsburgh police rounded up 23 suspected downtown drug dealers today via Operation: Teat of Goat …”
8. The Seattle Seahawks cut Jeff Skippy Skeeve Foul Dwarf Reed who they signed after he was released by the team that wears the gold pants. I’m not good with names.
The proximate cause of Reed’s dismissal was the fact that only three of his five kickoffs in the Seahawks’ preseason finale on Friday made it to the end zone. At 32, he’s getting on in years, especially considering that he’s lived many of those years to a remarkable degree of excess.
“Remarkable degree of excess.”
I like that. It makes all the drinking and whoring he did sound so refined.
I’m going to steal that.
- “But officer! I wasn’t stalking Jeff Jimmerson; I was just observing him with a remarkable degree of excess.”
- “I didn’t inhale a jar of Nutella; I simply partook of it to a remarkable degree of excess.”
- “I didn’t murder the pigeon; I simply tased it to a remarkable degree of excess.”
- “The Pirates are sucking to a remarkable degree of excess lately.”
9. Remarkable Degree of Excess would make a good band name.
So would Teat of Goat.
Internet, on a scale of one to impossible, how hard would it be for me to steal this Gotham Times newspaper dispenser for my home office?
I’m asking for a friend.
Also, does anyone have a dolly I can borrow? And a batmask? And a cape?
For a friend.
When you hear on the news that someone dressed as Batman stole the Gotham Times newspaper dispenser and drove off in a momdorkmobile, it totally wasn’t me.
It was probably that Petunia Desperado.
That bitch has balls.
[swishes cape and runs off in dramatic fashion]
- August 10, 2011
- filed under Downtown happenings, Mayor Ravenstahl, Weather, Yarone Zober
- 11 comments
You guys, please don’t send me mean emails or stab my boobies with your PittGirl voodoo doll (I’m looking at you, Dread Lord Zober), but …
I’m ready for fall.
I’m loving this coolish spell. Loving the breeze.
I can’t wear shorts, you see, because I’m on Plavix for this stupid blood clot in my neck and Plavix means if an inchworm crawls a little too enthusiastically upon your flesh, you will bruise. My legs look like Heinz Field after Bane got done with it; therefore, I can’t wear flesh-baring clothing or total strangers with concerned expressions will hand me domestic abuse pamphlets.
So this cool weather is perfect. I’m ready to pull out my scarves and do-me boots and walk through the brisk downtown breeze while sipping a pumpkin spice latte.
Do you hate me?
Anyway, thanks to Batman, it snowed today in the block near the William Penn.
(Pic courtesy of my cousin)
Here’s another from @CarlZappa on twitter:
And here’s the best thing you’ll read all day:
I had a joke but I lost it. Something The Foggy Goggle something something juice box something tramp stamp.
It was hilarious.