Category Archives: Evgeni Malkin

Random n’at

Swagr-ratios

1. First, a giant thank you to every single one of you who donated, tweeted, retweeted, Facebooked, or in any way helped with the Make Room for Kids fundraising effort this year.

The Amazon wish list is empty, which helped close the funding gap we were dealing with. The kids at The Children’s Home will get their computers and XBOXes and movies and games and printers and TVs, while the kids in the units we’ve already outfitted at Children’s Hospital will get the extra games they requested as well as the extra XBOX controllers.

Everyone will be happy!

Look for the install day post in late April and you’ll be able to see exactly what your donated dollars were spent on, and you’ll see the smiles they will bring to the sick kids.

2. The next mayor of Pittsburgh is not Bill Peduto or Michael Lamb … It’s Rebecca De Mornay.

Rebecca De Mornay and Nick Westrate have been cast as leads in NBC’s hourlong pilot Hatfields & McCoys, a take on the infamous feud set in present-day Pittsburgh. The startling death of the McCoy patriarch re-ignites the feud between the two legendary families, unleashing decades of resentment. De Mornay will play the central character of Mary Hatfield, the Mayor of Pittsburgh and matriarch of the powerful Hatfields, who basically run the city through their development company and political connections.

I like it.

Also, I’d like to volunteer my services to the writers to help them instill some true Pittsburgh flavor into the dialogue.

Mayor De Mornay: [slams hands on desk] If this gets out, things get ugly. Put a lid on it. I don’t need every yinzer from here to Aliquippa showing up and demanding we [finger quotes] “warsh the corruption out, n’at.” 

Email me, yo.

3. Pittsburgh Minecraft map.  There should be a Flyers skin for all the creepers.

I know way too much about Minecraft thanks to my kids.

4. This picture. Pittsburgh at dusk. MAN.

From wmellott on Reddit.

5. The Steelers have lost James Harrison, Mike Wallace, Willie Colon, Rashard Mendenhall.

They signed Matt Spaeth and William Gay, both former Steelers.

So basically our new strategy is “out with the old; in with the old.”

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6. Pittsburgh’s Miss Smiling Irish Eyes 2013 is deaf. 

7. The teenaged founder and CEO of local company Simple Sugars will appear on Shark Tank on March 29. Set your DVRs.

8. The Knitting Lady sent me this pic of Geno holding her sock.

DSC01873

 

His face confuses me so much. For instance, here he is so attractive. Other times, it’s like WHOA, UGLY STICK!

[ducks]

9. “A very important in-depth analysis of early-90s style, featuring Jaromir Swagr” is the best thing you’ll read today.

I especially appreciate the scientific analysis of the ratio of the torso region to the leg region while he is wearing mom-jeans.

(h/t J)

10. Amazing pictures of Pittsburgh’s skyline taken this winter by Matt Robinson.

Couldn’t pick my favorite if there was an angry pigeon to my eyeball.

(h/t my dad)

11. Chatham University is holding a FREE fun-filled family-friendly Spring carnival complete with egg hunts, Easter Bunny photos, raffles, Haitian snacks, and more! And any proceeds or donations made are going to Haitian Families First!

Carnival2013

See you there? I’ll be the one with the little girl who is begging the balloon artist to make her a pigeon.

Mommy will POP THE SHIT OUT OF THAT THING.

[awkward kung fu moves]

12. And let’s end this post with some of my favorite tweets from awesome Burghers:

I don’t understand how I am the only person who starred that tweet. COME ON.

Thai McBistro would also be a great rapper name.





Although we’ve come [clap] to the end of the road [clap]

The thing about that song is once you start it, you can’t stop.

‘Scuse me.

Still I can’t let go. It’s unnatural. You belong to me. I be–

Okay.  I’ll stop. But you’re totally singing it in your head now. Mwah-hahaha! I’m coining this the Boyz II Men virus. You’ve been infected. There is no cure.

This post is weird. I’m not drunk either. Just sad.

We’ve come to the end of the road for the Penguins 2011-2012 hockey season and we did it in one of the worst possible ways we could. To the Flyers. [patooie] [stabs the Hartnell voodoo doll in the crotch with a rusty shiv].

I have a lot of anger.

The only thing that would have been worse would be losing four games in a row to the Flyers [PATOOIE!].

So that’s my comfort. We scared them a little bit. We made them play two more games than they needed to. We wore them out a bit for their next opponent. We got in their heads for a moment in time.

And that is little comfort when they’re gloating in this fashion:

(h/t to Mikey for finding this)

Oh, the gut punch. It hurts.

Yesterday hurt. It was painful to watch. My father came over for dinner last night and as we chatted about the game I asked him if he watched it, as he believes he is a jinx and if he watches it, we’ll lose. Yes, my father, the minister who believes in the Bible and God and a higher power and predetermination is no different from any other Burgher who believes something as small as their eyeballs on the screen or their chosen seat on the couch will alter the outcome of a professional sporting event. It’s awesome.

He said, “No. After church I was on my way home from the hospital after visiting there and I heard the score was 4-1 and I shut the radio off. I knew it was over.”

I said, “It was painful to watch. And so frustrating. It was like trying to start a car with a dead battery. You keep trying and trying and turning that key and hoping and praying something would sputter to life, but then nothing happens. It’s dead. And you sit there and you cry and you sob and you shake your fist at the sky and WHY, GOD, WHY?! … WHY?!?!?! [blink] I need all the wine.”

I may have overreacted.

But isn’t that what YOU watched in this game? A team that kept turning the key — a team that wanted SO VERY BADLY for that engine to rev up so they could step on the gas and get going — and can we just stop for a second and talk about that? I think my least favorite phrase in all of sports other than “We’ll be back after these messages with Mike Milbury’s take on the game” is “they wanted it more.”

Ugh. Okay, yes. Maybe in a regular season baseball game or a regular season hockey game, one team might want the win more. Maybe they NEED the win more. But in the big games, the important games, EVERYONE wants it just as badly as the next guy. Hartnell doesn’t want to hoist the Stanley Cup this year more than Geno does. Wanting it has nothing to do with all the coaching, games, injuries, penalties, obstacles, calls, bounces, luck, practice, strategy, and mental toughness that goes into winning a championship. There are way too many factors — legitimate factors that create a championship team, that boiling it all down to “wanting” it is a disservice to our boys.

They wanted it, damn it. They wanted that car to start so badly so that they could run over the hated Flyers with it. They just couldn’t do it.

But let’s end the season on the bright side. The Pens made the playoffs. Um. They didn’t go out without a win. Um. Max Talbot and Letang (French for “Le Mmmrowr”) look like they made up. Um. We don’t have to watch Sid’s patchy beard grow in and transform him into a gross porn star. Uh. Jagr can kiss my fat ass. Uh –

Poop.

Also, there’s no way the Flyers are winning the cup or I’m switching religions if they do.

I’ll call it the Church of Nutella. I’ll need some deacons, if you’re interested.





America! Yeah!

I’m a patriotic girl. “The Star Spangled Banner” makes me tear up and “God Bless America” makes me blubber like a toddler whose ice cream fell off the cone.

I’m not saying I like to ride a lawnmower while shooting my rifle in the air or anything, I’m just saying I love America and I love the men and women who fight for America.

After my recent post showing the patch of the 171st ARW Steel City Airmen for the 2011 Wings Over Pittsburgh show, I received an email from reader Amy who wrote:

My dad is retired from the 171st Air Refueling Wing, you’ve probably driven past it a million times on the way to the airport.  They’re an in air refueling wing, which if you think about it is pretty amazing – they’re flying in the air, and still manage to lower the fuel boom to connect with a second plane, mid-air, to refuel mid flight.  I’m lucky if I don’t spill the gas on my car when I’m at Get Go. (Here are some photos of that happening in flight).

Anyhow, everyone out at the 171st are proud Pittsburgers.  I’ve had the luxury to spend a lot of time with those folks, and they’re all awesome.  You might like to see how their pride in Pittsburgh is shown through their patches and the nose art on the planes.

She shared these photos with me and you just have to see them, you guys.

First, the refueling taking place in air.

Other tanker refueling the A-10

I’m always astounded that anyone ever even thought to attempt such a thing. Way back when, had I been in a room when a military planner said, “How’s about we just find a way to fill ‘em up while they’re flying 500 miles an hour?” I’d have stood up and slammed my hands on the table and shouted, “WITCHCRAFT!”

That’s just my standard answer to things I don’t understand.

In the cockpit. You can see their badass patches here:

Cockpit

Even their headphones sport their Pittsburgh pride:

Boom operator

Stillers!

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On the nose art on the plane on the left, it looks like it’s got the Steelers and the Penguins on there, so I assume the lower one is the Buccos of Suckitude:

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Other Pittsburgh-flavored nose art as found on the 171st ARW website:

Kennywood themed!

Penguins!

Geno!

 

Sid!

Steelers themed!

Okay. I lied. I want to ride my dad’s lawnmower and shoot his BB gun into the air while waving a Terrible Towel and screaming, “USA! USA! USA!”

And my parents’ elderly neighbors will look out their windows and be all, “Crap. I think Sarah Palin moved in next door.”





Everyone hates the Penguins

Let’s recap the Penguins hate that has been unleashed in just one short week, shall we?

  • First we had the Flyers coach Peter Laviolette losing his shit during a game and then calling Dan Bylsma “gutless.”
  • Then Flyers assistant coach Craig Berube called Sid and Geno “the two dirtiest players on their hockey team.”
  • NBC hockey commentator Mike Milbury went on Philly radio and ripped on the Pens, calling our captain a goody-two-shoes punk, which, OXYMORON, and our coach a girl.
  • Then late last week, Rangers coach John Tortorella flipped out, referring to the Pens as “one of the most arrogant organizations in the league.”  He also said of Crosby and Geno, “They whine about this stuff all the time, and look what happens. They’ll whine about something else over there, won’t they, starting with their two (expletive) stars.”

This? IS AWESOME.

Also awesome? That the Pens aren’t taking the bait:

I vaguely have an idea of what he said,” Crosby said Friday, referring specifically to Tortorella’s comments. “I’m sure he’ll apologize today about it and everything will be forgotten.”

This is all very good news. So much hate being spewed at our team from so many different places means we’re getting under their skin at exactly the time we need to become the maddening itch they can’t scratch.

In all of these hilarious spats, it seems only the Penguins are holding to one very important truth:

Goals speak louder than words.





The hockey shit hit the hockey fan.

Do you guys ever wonder how much hate we would have for Sidney Crosby if he played for any other team in the NHL? I wonder that sometimes. I can’t fathom not loving him, so it’s hard for me to imagine hating him. But do you think we would be Sid-haters like everyone else if he wore, say, a Red Wings sweater?

Or would we grudgingly respect him?

If Mike Milbury, NBC’s hockey analyst, is any indicator, we would hate Sidney Crosby with scorching, burning hellfire. So much hellfire that we would risk our jobs just to get the chance to vent our spleens (no clue what that means) to say that which has been burning our brains and our tongues for so long, begging to be let out.

We would go on the air in Philadelphia and we would say atrocious things like this:

“Little goody two shoes (Crosby) goes into the corner and gives a shot to Schenn. Schenn was late to the party, he should have turned around and drilled him right away, but I guess better late than never. So you know, Crosby gets cross-checked, big whoop. He said after he came back from his 35th concussion, ‘I’m not going to do this anymore, I’m not going to get into this scrums, I’m going to stay away from that stuff.’ He couldn’t help himself because there’s a little punk in Crosby. He’s not the perfect gentleman. He’s not the sweet kid you see in interviews with his hat pulled down over his eyes.”

Question? Does anyone have anything bad to say about Sid OFF of the ice? Because all indications are that he IS a perfect gentleman and IS the sweet kid with his hat pulled down over his eyes. It seems to me that Mike Milbury is having trouble separating Sid the hockey player from Sid the human being.

I used to have that problem with Marian Hossa and then I tore his voodoo doll asunder at the crotch and everything was right in the world again.

So Milbury hates Sid. Fine. We Pens fans eat up that hate. We have it for lunch and dinner and twice for breakfast the next morning. Sid sucks. Sure. Whatever. Enjoy your hate like I enjoy my hate for the Flyers. Chew it good so it doesn’t choke you.

But there’s this:

I say screw him, hit him.

Oh boy. Now he have an NHL analyst going on the radio, making light of career-threatening concussions, and encouraging hits on a post-concussion recuperating player.

That’s putting the ass in classy. Can you imagine Cris Collinsworth doing an interview and being so stupid as to just lay into Ben or Troysus like that? Calling them punks and goody-two-shoes and encouraging other players to hit them hard upon their returns from concussions? I don’t like Cris Collinsworth, but I will admit that the man is not THAT stupid.

And don’t even get me started on Milbury’s ridiculous sexist caveman call for Bylsma to “take his skirt off” and get up and fight Laviolette. The reason Bylsma didn’t fight with his fists is because he’s an adult and he knows better, and the reason he didn’t take his skirt off is because … YOUR MOM, MIKE.

I don’t know. I couldn’t think of a snappy comeback, and YOUR MOM always works. Try it sometime.

“You’re ugly.”

“YOUR MOM.”

See?

Milbury has since issued an apology, which, fine. You’re sorry you were so stupid as to say the things you did, but let’s not kid ourselves that you don’t really feel all of those things you said because you can’t put the Nutella back in the jar after you’ve hoovered the whole thing. And here’s another problem … you’re supposed to be an impartial hockey analyst. How the hell are you ever going to be able to work another Penguins game without every single thing you say being turned this way and that way, examined closely to see if there’s a bias lurking behind the words? You’ve already showed us your cards, Mike, and you’ve got a four-of-a-kind of bias.

Which again, it’s fine. I think the Pens fans get used to the subtle and not-so-subtle bias by some analysts, but this is the first time one has gone on the radio for such a blatant airing of grievances.

Sid’s agent is calling for Milbury’s firing or suspension, but I don’t know that Milbury needs to be fired. They’re just words, albeit spoken from someone who should have known better than to let them ever hit the airwaves. I think the best revenge will not be him losing his job, but the Penguins going deep into the playoffs and maybe hoisting the Cup on the shoulders of Sidney, Geno, and Fleury.

Barring that sweet revenge, there’s always this …

YOUR MOM.