Category Archives: Evgeni Malkin

UPDATED: Our Penguins are better than your whatever

This is not a post about the playing, which, HOT LIKE HELLFIRE (This goal is absolutely Mario-esque. Chills!), but this is a post about the players, which, HOT LIKE HELLFIRE.

Hiya, Sexhair and Sexgoal. Do you want a self-united card?

The first part of this Montreal Gazette article is about how awesome former Penguin Hal Gill is, which is cool in its own right, but the SECOND half of this article is about our Penguins being our Penguins, that is to say, above and beyond reproach:

And Saturday night and Sunday morning they saw a few of the Pittsburgh Penguins, who followed the Habs into the same hotel for a Sunday matinee against the Sabres.

“Would you believe that (Penguins head coach) Dan Bylsma took more interest in us and where we were from and what we were doing in Buffalo than anyone else?” Merson wrote. “A really nice guy.”

Merson bought a Penguins jersey in Buffalo as a gift for his 7-year-old son, William, a few players stopping to sign it.

“The best one was from Pascal Dupuis,” he said. “I had given my Sharpie (marker) to a kid who was waiting at the players’ bus and I went to get my car.

“Then I saw Pascal in front of the hotel and asked him to sign the jersey, but all I had was an ink pen. I ran back to the bus to get my Sharpie, but by the time I returned, Pascal had gone into the lobby and found one to use.

“Seeing (some players) walk past kids like they don’t exist, then seeing someone like Pascal who makes the effort for the fans, really puts things into perspective.”

Talk about a warm and fuzzy feeling.

Also, speaking of the Pens, The Knitting Lady used enough yard to run a strand down 17 football fields and knitted this 11-foot scarf for Iceburgh and presented it to him at a recent game!

(from @PensKnittngLady on Twitter)

Rock it to the fullest, Iceburgh!

UPDATE: Check out the scarf for Little Iceburgh too! THE CUTE!

(h/t Matt P.)

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My hug wish list

This is not satire. This is not a fake news story. This is not The Onion. This is REAL:

Pittsburgh, the World’s Most Huggable City

The City of Pittsburgh has  been voted the most liveable (sic) city, the top ten Best in the World for tourism among many awards  and now (sic) and Pittsburgh City Council have teamed up to prove that Pittsburgh is the Most Loveable, Most Huggable City!  Using the model of the international phenomenon of the “Free Hug Campaign” plans to create a spectacular event on September 6, 2012 with preview events leading up to it.   The goal is to create an event that brings attention and prominence to “Pittsburgh’s best asset, the friendliness of its citizens.”

What’s Happening When and Where!

  • February 14th Proclamation declaring September 6th as Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Day.  There will also be a group hug with City Council Members.
  • Hug Ambassador Events are open auditions to be huggers at the Hug-A-Thon Events of September 6th.
  • Hug Ambassador Auditions will be held in the City Council Districts of Darlene Harris, William Peduto, and Theresa Smith.
  • Hug Auditions scheduled during the months of March, May, July and August
  • Hug Ambassador Categories will include, but aren’t limited to: Best Granny Hugger, Best EMS Hugger, Best Sports Hugger, Best Entertainment and Media Hugger
The Hug Ambassador Event Winners will be determined by Facebook contributions and donations raised at the event for four area charities.  Hug Auditions are scheduled during the months of March, May, July and August.  These will be preview events to the September 6,  Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh™
September 6, 2012 Outdoor Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Event and Gala

  • The outdoor event will be held in five locations in downtown Pittsburgh.  These Hug locations are the City County Building, Market Square, Katz Plaza, underneath Macy’s Clock, and the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown.
  • Times to get a “free” hug and make your optional donations:  2:30 PM to 5:30 PM at these locations
  • There will be signage and entertainment to draw attention to the Huggers.
  • The hugs will be free.  Donations will be accepted and the donations will benefit four local charities.
  • The Presenting Sponsor is Wyndham Grand Downtown and the first official Hug-A-Thon Pittsburgh Gala will be held in the Wyndham Grand Ballroom. Celebrity Hug Stations will be set up around the room.  Celebrities will include local sports figures, media personalities, and entertainers. Local musical and variety entertainment has been engaged for both the lobby of the Wyndham Grand Pittsburgh Downtown and the ballroom from 5:30 PM to 8:30 PM.

“I am proud to be a part of this great campaign and to show how much Pittsburgh cares about its local charities.  Pittsburgh is hands-down the World’s Most Lovable City!” Bill Peduto.


1. I can find the minutes to the meeting, but I cannot find any pictures of the February 14th City Council group hug session! THIS IS A FIRST-WORLD TRAVESTY! What if there is a picture of Lukey hugging Bill Peduto?!

2. I’m happy it’s for charity because otherwise this would be the most ridiculous thing since Gus the Groundhog’s birth.

3. How does one judge a hug audition? Too much squeeze? Limp squeeze? Too much breast pressure? Not enough breast pressure? Too handsy? Not handsy enough? Too much butt grabbage? Would it be like American Idol auditions? “I’ve had five-week old lettuce firmer than your hugs.” Would it be like Dirty Dancing with Johnny? “Look at your arms — Spaghetti arms. You gotta hold your frame.”

4. I miss Patrick Swayze.

5. This event is BurghBaby‘s worst nightmare. That girl HATES hugs.

6. My celebrity wish list for hugs … David Conrad, Mike Wallace, Randy Baumann, Jim Krenn, Daniel Sepulveda, AJ Burnett, Wendy Bell, Sally Wiggin, Matt Lamanna, Mike Tomlin, DAN BYLSMA, DAN BYLSMA, DAN BYLSMA, Sexhair, Sexgoal, Gina Cerilli, Elena LaQuatra, Patrick Jordan, Mario, Fort McKenry, Troysus and DAN BYLSMA.

What? Tell me you don’t believe Dan Bylsma would give the best hugs ever.

We won’t know until we try. To grab his butt.

(h/t Summer)

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Random n’at

1. Do you need humbled?* Are you feeling young and vibrant and full of joie de vivre (literally, “joy the vivre”)? Is there a spring in your step you’d like to see turned into a painful limp?

Have I got the thing for you!

Spend an hour sled riding and snowboarding with a bunch of whippersnappers. Slam your hip into the hard snow over and over again to score the bone for the eventual break you’ll have when you’re in your 70s. Hear people say, “You only stop wrong on a snowboard one time, and then you will never make that mistake again,” and then go and stop wrong on a snowboard over and over and over again, showing those motherbleepers that you’re the exception to that rule.

Eat a few cupfuls of hard snow. Feel the snow find its way into the back of your pants. Feel your armpit muscle get painfully overextended. Learn that, yes, an armpit has a muscle in it and that muscle can be overextended.

Wake up the next morning and curse those damn whippersnappers and their absolutely disgusting, mocking youth. Find ice and a cupful of Advil. Ice the bruise on your hip.


Act now, and we’ll double the offer!

2. How was YOUR weekend?

3.  Whitney Houston died and I’m so bummed about it. I always wanted her to get herself together and make a comeback. Someone on Twitter put it perfectly though, that we’re not really mourning her, but we’re mourning our past. So true. The memories I have associated with her are probably what makes me the saddest.

And SHUT UP! One of those memories was of my junior prom date!

The circle of life, internet.

4. Using those tiny bottles of Heinz Ketchup (which you can order customized here!) as wedding favors/place cards really got me thinking about what other ways Pittsburghers (current and ex-pat) have managed to sneak a little or even a lot of the Burgh into their weddings. I asked on Twitter and now I’m asking here. Send me your pictures and a little bit of background info on how you represented our city at your wedding or reception. I’ve got some amazing pictures so far and I can’t wait to see more.

Then I’ll share them all with you on!

5. Well this explains why Gary Busey ever agreed to be the spokesperson for Century III Kia (Lebanon Church Road, Pittsburgh! Minutes from the mall!). He’s flat broke:

67-year-old Busey filed for Chapter 7 bankruptcy in California yesterday. Busey checked the box showing he has less than $50,000 in assets … and somewhere between $500,000 and $1,000,000 in various debts.


Time is cruel, she writes as she ices her bruised hip.

Oh well. Let’s just watch these again for the thrill of it:

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If David Hasselhoff starts shilling for Berger and Green [KABLOOEY!], then we’ll know the Mayans were right.

6. Wendell August Forge expanded the Civic Arena line of goods to include bookmarks, trays, wine toppers, paper weights and more! The money clip would be just the perfect Father’s Day gift for a Pens fan. Wow.

6. Speedy the Cuddly Shoot-Eater, but I’d rather be Slowpoke the Sinning Ben Affleck.

What’s yours?

7. So I’ve heard a rumor that the Disposable Income Kid, who gives away a chunk of money each month, is a lifelong Pittsburgher, and that makes sense because Burghers are generous folks. Plus Burghers are funny, and the D.I.K. is funny.

So why not save your money or invest it?
Um, are you seriously trying to talk me out of giving you money?

Well, no, but there’s no way this can be real.
I assure you it is.

Why should I believe you?
Who says you should? In fact, don’t. Last I heard, there are tens of billions of other websites out there, and I’ve been told that some of them even have naked people on them. Maybe you should visit one of those sites instead. I’m sure they’re giving money away too.

What’s in this for you?
A pony.

Come on, seriously, there has to be something in it for you. Otherwise, it doesn’t make sense.
I’ll give you that one, Brainy Smurf. Nothing about this makes sense. However, there’s just something about giving money away that appeals to me. So either believe me or get lost. I mean, feel free to NOT take my money.

Cool idea. Got my eye on this one now.

8.  Who knew? October 8 is National Fluffernutter Day!

I bet that’s Casey Hampton’s Christmas.

(h/t Hoosierburgher)

9.  If it’s bothering you that we’re so close to $12,000 that we can smell its sweet perfume, then feel free to donate to Make Room for Kids. I’ll be taking the donate button down soon so this is your chance to hop on board the MAKE IT RAIN IN CHILDREN’S HOSPITAL AND AGH train.

We have fun on here. I just saw a monkey holding a margarita riding a dog riding a horse all, “GAMES FOR EVERY CHILD!”

10. If I had a nickle for every time I have ever read or heard, “Evgeni Malkin is no Sidney Crosby,” I’d have enough nickles to probably get us up to $12,000. Sexgoal is on fire, almost earning an empty-net hat trick yesterday, and looking like a real contender to take home some hefty merchandise come awards time.

Evgeni Malkin is no Sidney Crosby because he is Evgeni Malkin, and that’s better than good enough.

*Upon reread, I realize that should have “to be” in there, but I’m not changing it. Suck it.

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Random n’at

1. I just read all of my Post-Gazettes from last Wednesday to yesterday, so this post is going to be BIZZONKERS!

You’ve been warned.

2. Yesterday at church I learned about Mephibosheth and I tell you this so you understand that Mephibosheth would make a kickass Amish rock band name. First single — “I don’t need no electricity, ’cause baby you light my fire.”

3. Bizzonkers is the new cray-cray.

[throws signs]

4. This past weekend, Joe Paterno died on Twitter and then he died in real life 18 hours later.

It’s true — I will never ever ever understand what it’s like to be a Penn Stater, and I’ll never understand that kind of devotion to a football coach, and I’ll never understand why Sandusky wasn’t stopped a decade sooner, but I understand loss, so I’ll just say my condolences to those who love him.

5. Geno is beast. Beast. Sexy beast. He gets hotter with every goal he scores and every game he saves and if he wins three more games for us I am going to go all [BEWBS] like never before and nickname him Sexgoal.

Also, Mikey and BigBob found this sweet shirt:

It is score.

6.Well, it is official. Jimmy Krenn is out at DVE and Scott Paulsen is back in a partial fashion.

Hopefully this leads to exciting things for Jim.

7. Snow, ice, rain, sun, warmth, snot-freezing cold. We’ve had it all in the space of three days and this Zits cartoon really got it right.

Next time a storm is rolling in, I dare Demetrius Ivory or Scott Harbaugh to be all, “Well, prepare to get a giant painful wedgie courtesy of Mother Nature this weekend.”

8. I love trivia. Trivial Pursuit is kinda my bitch and I used to love playing trivia at Bud Murphy’s in Connellsville. If you love trivia, put a team of co-workers together and have your company enroll you in the Greater Pittsburgh Literacy Council Trivia Bowl! 

Show your smarts for a good cause!

9. A PAT driver left his seat at the wheel and assaulted a rider for apparently no reason while the bus was in motion, lied about it, got busted by surveillance video, and has remained on the job since that January 8 incident,  while the Port Authority plans a hearing to determine if disciplinary action is warranted.

Hey, one of you go punch one of your customer’s lights out, get it on video, lie about it and let me know if you still have your job in two weeks. KTHXBAI.

10. February 10 and 11 is the second annual Chachi Plays for Kids marathon during which Anthony “Chachi” Walker will play video games at the Toonseum for 24 straight hours to benefit the Toonseum and the Father Ryan Arts Center.  Chachi picks a new charity each year and raised money for Make Room for Kids last year. This year I’m honored Anthony asked me to take the first slot at 7:00 p.m. on February 10 for a rematch of Mario Kart.

If Trivial Pursuit is my bitch, Mario Kart is my super-bitch sisterwife.  Chachi is going to be spending an hour slipping on my banana peels. That’s not a euphemism.

You can donate here!

11. Mayor Lukey’s Tim Tebow jersey, autographed by Mayor Lukey — NOT TIM TEBOW, sold for $1,400 on eBay.

I have a suspicion the Dread Lord Zober won it and is either using it as a Lukey voodoo doll all STAB DIE STAB, or is holding it to his face every chance he gets to breathe in the sweet sweet smell of his hizzoner master. Either or.

12. Finally, the Pittsburgh Google office was named one of the 15 coolest offices in technology by Business Insider. I had toured Google’s old site, which was mind blowing (HELLO, FREAKING DESSERT FREAKING BAR FREAKING), so I need to go right now and bug some Google peeps about a tour of this new site.


(h/t James, who pointed out that they missed the fact that the catwalk pays homage to the Smithfield Street Bridge.)

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Random n’at

1. Yesterday at Pens Fan’s house. A conversation.

Me: “Mom, I really like this new color you’ve got going with your hair. The dark against the light highlights is my favorite hair of yours ever.”

Pens Fan: “Oh, yeah! I didn’t even notice. I really like it.”

Me: “Are you going to let your bangs grow down like the Kardashian mom so you don’t have to get your roots done so often?”

Mom: “Yeah. I’m letting them grow a bit.”

Pens Fan: “We’ll call you Kris and we’ll all change our names to K names.”

Me: “Kginny.”

Pens Fan: “Ktammy. Kdad.”

Me: “Kfunny!”

2. A woman gave birth on the airport flyer and lucked out when a retired radiologist happened to be on board.

Wait, what does a retired radiologist know ’bout birthin’ no babies?

3. David Highfield looks like the love child of David Cook and Barney Stinson.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I kinda love his look.

4. The bad news is that Sid is still experiencing symptoms and is seeing a specialist this week. The good news is that Kris LeSexhair could be back this week from his concussion.

Do we need to start a “timetable for his return” drinking game, you guys? We’ll probably pickle our livers if we do.

5. You know how you’re watching an action movie and the actor, maybe the hero or the villain, will grab a hatchet and say in his deepest, most menacing voice, “This is war. The war … is on!”?


“Mr. Pellegrino left, came back a short while later and said to him, ‘I’m going to report you.’

“And the victim said, ‘I didn’t do anything.’

“And at that time, Mr. Pellegrino pulled out a hatchet and said, ‘This is war, the war is on.’

Quite surprisingly, it didn’t happen in Fayette County.

Of course if it happened in Fayette County, Mr. Pellegrino would have been brandishing a goat when he said it.

6. Yahoo! takes a look at the 2012 Pirates and comes up with some suggested hashtags for when we talk about them on Twitter:

#freeagentoverpays, #nutrisystempedro, #sloppy, #cutchagonistes, #atleastourballparkisbeautiful, #happy20th, #hope, #2014getherenow

I don’t know. Pedro seems more like a Weight Watchers kinda guy to me.

But the rest of that is just spot on.

Let’s hope the hopey changey thing works!


7. Occupy Pittsburgh has moved on from Target’s part-time hiring practices and moved on from bus-rider rights and has now set their sights on racially motivated police brutality.

What’s that saying? You can do a lot of things poorly, or one thing well?


8. The Kraken has a rap video and it is the most hilarious, godawful thing you’ve ever seen a douchebag douche.

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Of course, if that had been OUR Russian doing this, we’d be all, “Geno? You want I should have your babies?”


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